I have been awakened

Church this morning really opened my eyes to something. I am so incredibly stuck in the past, I am blinded to the possibilities of today. I care about yesterday but I cannot let it change my tomorrow. I need to make decisions today based on today and not on my past. I need to look forward to my future and my eternity with my Father :)

Saying this, I'm going to try with all my soul to accept my past. I've been through things that most people will never go through but I can't use that as a crutch or an excuse. I need to use it as strength, for it was all a part of God's plan for me and my soul's plan for myself. I want to start fresh in my confidence and thoughts with God helping me. I can't change the past, I have the ability to shape who I am NOW.

I looked back on my past today and I realized that it was heartbreaking. If I had been my parents or close friends, I would have truly been heartbroken watching what I was going through. I thought back today on how I used to feel about situations and how I used to act. I imagined myself through the eyes of an onlooker and felt overwhelmed with sadness. I'm not trying to make this sound like pity or sympathy if that's how it seems. I just simply am coming to realization that I was truly in a bad place and I had no room for God. Now that I have accepted Him into my life to help and guide me, I can see that although I am not completely happy yet, I am so much better off than I was back then.

I look at people differently. I no longer judge them as I pass by them or listen to them as they speak. I think of them all as my brothers or sisters and look for the positives. I really listen to what people have to say now and I really try to be the best friend that I can be. I help people without receiving help first, even without receiving help in return. I give advice, I offer myself to always be there, and I mean it. I'm here, for anyone who needs anything. Being down the road that I have, I understand feeling scared and most of all, alone. I don't want another person feeling that way if I can help it. God put me through whatever it was for a reason and I'm going to accept it.

Without even realizing it, I've been helping more around my house, getting along with both of my parents better, and doing things without being asked twice. I'm loving the person that I am becoming with God. There are days I don't want to get up and go to school; I want to stay in bed forever and talk to Him. I looked back on times that I prayed for things and when I thought hard enough, I realized that they were all answered in one way or another. Significant things in my life, came from my Father when they were asked for.

I'm going to go ahead and provide an example. Larry Trotta. When I was in sixth grade, I prayed hard for a year to God. I asked Him to bring somebody into my life to always be there for me. I asked God for a best friend that was preferably a boy (mainly because I wanted someone in the opposite sex to be able to confide in). I must have said this prayer every week for months on end. When Larry first entered my life, I had no idea this was my answer from God. Now, I firmly believe it is. He came into my life at the time that my Grandmother discovered she had cancer and he was there for me through all of the pain, the treatment, and her passing away. For three years now, he has truly been the best friend that I could ask for, which is exactly what I wished God would give me.

You could say it was just a coincidence, but I believe there are very few of those. Larry and I have a connection, a bond that we don't share with anybody else. I leaned heavily on him for so long that it's hard now with him being so busy with college and I miss him dearly.

Before I go off on this further, I hope this is a sufficient example :) God answers us and only asks for our belief and love in return. I believe that if I continue in the path that I am headed, I will be happier than ever before. Thank you, God, for absolutely everything.

God Bless and I love you all †

I'm fighting a headache

which is most likely from lack of sleep. I didn't go to school today. Why? Because I didn't fall asleep until 5:30am. Why? Because I was talking to you all night; literally all night. I took Melatonin, I went out on the couch, I played soothing music, I watched TV, I read, you followed me everywhere and I could not for the life of me fall asleep until early hours. My mother didn't even try to wake me up. The time went by so fast, I didn't even realize how late it was until I said goodnight to you. Then a wave of exhaustion hit me and I glanced at the clock to see 5:24am.

Mom came home at one point to try to wake me up and as she was talking to me, I could barely keep my eyes open. About 30 minutes after she left, I was starting to feel nauseous, like I usually do if I don't eat breakfast. So, I was heading into the kitchen when the nausea really kicked up. You know when that happens, your tongue feels heavy, you swallow hard, and your mouth just pools with saliva. Yeah, that feeling. I had to stand over the sink in fear that any movement towards the bathroom would result in a mess. I was finally able to slowly edge towards my bathroom and then I felt my throat tightening up and my gag reflex going into full throttle. Almost threw up everywhere! But did not. I was able to hold it in, thank God, I hate throwing up.

I guess this just means I need to really get all the sleep I can tonight. I would have gone to bed earlier but I'm texting Colin and all :) So tonight, I'll talk to you again, but only briefly. I'm sure you understand.

I'm still dreading school tomorrow. I got panicked about it last night and almost made a really bad decision. But I didn't. God's helping me, I can feel it. I think I came to find some acceptance within myself today, too. I'm proud of that.

I love you guiz <3