Hello, Dear

Friday's concert at HOB was pretty dang good :) We the Kings and The Academy Is... were all right, seeing as I don't like them too much. Fall Out Boy, however, was amazing. For my first concert ever, I was really satisfied :D Except until Colin and Julian decided to join a mosh pit xD

Afterward, we went to the Virgin store and Nitty bought a Fight Club poster :p I wanted to get something Hello Kitty but I was too tired xD I definitely fell asleep on the ride home, leaning on Colin. Pretty sure Hooly fell asleep leaning on me too, haha.

Saturday was a lame day, I slept most of it and ended up making my mom mad :/ but church made up for it. I really admire the pastor there. He has a brain tumor and as he's up there talking to us, he tells us he has double vision and how "currently there are about 3,000 of you out there." yet he still smiles and put all of his heart into his work. God definitely has him.

I'm really moody right now, more so than usual. Isn't PMS great? Ugh. My back hurts from putting up the Christmas tree and for some reason I feel like I ate way too much food today. Weird. I want to hurry on to Curves.

I'm both excited and sad about this being the last week of school before Christmas Break. I'm excited because, duh, no school and Christmas. I'm sad though because Colin will be gone the entire break, in North Dakota, and I don't know what I'm going to do. I hate, HATE being without him D: I can barely stand it when he goes home at night. Going from Sunday to Wednesday seems torturous enough.

I've been thinking about my future a lot lately and praying about it a lot. So here's to You, God. I need Your guidance. I want to understand these feelings and desires. Why have they not gone away and why is this something I want so bad? Why would I be willing to give up everything I had for it? It doesn't make any sense but it's consuming me and distracting me and causing problems for me. I'd really love Your help, please.

I hate homework. I hate school. I hate warm weather in winter. I hate food. I hate my messy room. I hate my remote. I hate my computer. I hate my procrastination. I hate the smell of my brother's room. I hate infections. I hate fat. I hate my hair. I hate PMS. I hate headaches. I hate frustration. I hate not understanding. I hate hating.

I have been awakened

Church this morning really opened my eyes to something. I am so incredibly stuck in the past, I am blinded to the possibilities of today. I care about yesterday but I cannot let it change my tomorrow. I need to make decisions today based on today and not on my past. I need to look forward to my future and my eternity with my Father :)

Saying this, I'm going to try with all my soul to accept my past. I've been through things that most people will never go through but I can't use that as a crutch or an excuse. I need to use it as strength, for it was all a part of God's plan for me and my soul's plan for myself. I want to start fresh in my confidence and thoughts with God helping me. I can't change the past, I have the ability to shape who I am NOW.

I looked back on my past today and I realized that it was heartbreaking. If I had been my parents or close friends, I would have truly been heartbroken watching what I was going through. I thought back today on how I used to feel about situations and how I used to act. I imagined myself through the eyes of an onlooker and felt overwhelmed with sadness. I'm not trying to make this sound like pity or sympathy if that's how it seems. I just simply am coming to realization that I was truly in a bad place and I had no room for God. Now that I have accepted Him into my life to help and guide me, I can see that although I am not completely happy yet, I am so much better off than I was back then.

I look at people differently. I no longer judge them as I pass by them or listen to them as they speak. I think of them all as my brothers or sisters and look for the positives. I really listen to what people have to say now and I really try to be the best friend that I can be. I help people without receiving help first, even without receiving help in return. I give advice, I offer myself to always be there, and I mean it. I'm here, for anyone who needs anything. Being down the road that I have, I understand feeling scared and most of all, alone. I don't want another person feeling that way if I can help it. God put me through whatever it was for a reason and I'm going to accept it.

Without even realizing it, I've been helping more around my house, getting along with both of my parents better, and doing things without being asked twice. I'm loving the person that I am becoming with God. There are days I don't want to get up and go to school; I want to stay in bed forever and talk to Him. I looked back on times that I prayed for things and when I thought hard enough, I realized that they were all answered in one way or another. Significant things in my life, came from my Father when they were asked for.

I'm going to go ahead and provide an example. Larry Trotta. When I was in sixth grade, I prayed hard for a year to God. I asked Him to bring somebody into my life to always be there for me. I asked God for a best friend that was preferably a boy (mainly because I wanted someone in the opposite sex to be able to confide in). I must have said this prayer every week for months on end. When Larry first entered my life, I had no idea this was my answer from God. Now, I firmly believe it is. He came into my life at the time that my Grandmother discovered she had cancer and he was there for me through all of the pain, the treatment, and her passing away. For three years now, he has truly been the best friend that I could ask for, which is exactly what I wished God would give me.

You could say it was just a coincidence, but I believe there are very few of those. Larry and I have a connection, a bond that we don't share with anybody else. I leaned heavily on him for so long that it's hard now with him being so busy with college and I miss him dearly.

Before I go off on this further, I hope this is a sufficient example :) God answers us and only asks for our belief and love in return. I believe that if I continue in the path that I am headed, I will be happier than ever before. Thank you, God, for absolutely everything.

God Bless and I love you all †

You shouldn't play with fire, Allyson

Well, I'm finally losing weight. That really makes me happy. It's not like I was heavy or anything, but the stress of summer and the beginning of school made me eat. I hate that habit: eating when stressed or bored. Curves three times a week is really helping and I'm getting a bit more self confidence. I want to have a toned stomach and lose a bit of flab in my thighs/arms. Soon :)

I really miss church, I need to go back. Not just want to, but need to. I'm constantly talking to God, all throughout my day. It keeps me calm and collected.

Hopefully this weekend I'll have the time to get caught up on some school work. I still really don't care about school, but I suppose it's a must...

I really want to hang out with friends more. I always have Colin :) But I want to have fun with friends,like the time Shar, Nitty, Colin and I stayed at Hooly's :D Or the paint war, or just a bunch of us going to the movies or something. 8th and 9th grade was full of that, it seems we don't do anything anymore. Maybe that will change when we can all drive? I don't know, let's just make plans!

I kind of want to change up my image. I need new clothes, I want my hair dyed more, and I need to get new makeup. I wish I could decorate my room differently, but I don't know when we're moving so...

God Bless <3

I'm fighting a headache

which is most likely from lack of sleep. I didn't go to school today. Why? Because I didn't fall asleep until 5:30am. Why? Because I was talking to you all night; literally all night. I took Melatonin, I went out on the couch, I played soothing music, I watched TV, I read, you followed me everywhere and I could not for the life of me fall asleep until early hours. My mother didn't even try to wake me up. The time went by so fast, I didn't even realize how late it was until I said goodnight to you. Then a wave of exhaustion hit me and I glanced at the clock to see 5:24am.

Mom came home at one point to try to wake me up and as she was talking to me, I could barely keep my eyes open. About 30 minutes after she left, I was starting to feel nauseous, like I usually do if I don't eat breakfast. So, I was heading into the kitchen when the nausea really kicked up. You know when that happens, your tongue feels heavy, you swallow hard, and your mouth just pools with saliva. Yeah, that feeling. I had to stand over the sink in fear that any movement towards the bathroom would result in a mess. I was finally able to slowly edge towards my bathroom and then I felt my throat tightening up and my gag reflex going into full throttle. Almost threw up everywhere! But did not. I was able to hold it in, thank God, I hate throwing up.

I guess this just means I need to really get all the sleep I can tonight. I would have gone to bed earlier but I'm texting Colin and all :) So tonight, I'll talk to you again, but only briefly. I'm sure you understand.

I'm still dreading school tomorrow. I got panicked about it last night and almost made a really bad decision. But I didn't. God's helping me, I can feel it. I think I came to find some acceptance within myself today, too. I'm proud of that.

I love you guiz <3

Hello; Good Evening,

I love You <3

My faith in God is growing stronger and stronger everyday. I read the bible every chance I get and absorb in all of the words. I'm reading books and doing research and I find my love for Him is unbreakable. I know He's listening to me and is always here for me when I need Him. He is my Savior and my light and I will continue to follow in His name :D

On another note:


I'm so excited :D TEAM EDWARD <3333

I get angry thinking of Jacob xD ugh. NO ME GUSTA JACOB, NO. ME. GUSTA. You know, I actually used to like Jacob until the end of New Moon. From then on, ESPECIALLY IN ECLIPSE, I hated him. Reading Breaking Dawn with him was unbearable. Lost my liking for him altogether.

<3

Let's talk okay?

You have no idea.

Today was slightly lame because I was sick and didn't wake up until around noon. I think I missed a science test too. Lame. Tomorrow is the fall fest, yay? I'm not sure, it was pretty boring last year if I remember correctly. So, since I was home alone all day, I had a lot of time to think and I realized that I'm trying really hard and I think I'm pushing myself too far, I'm expecting too much from myself. In reality, I need to slow down, calm down, and take time to think things out. It's not fair the way that I'm treating myself right now and how I'm constantly in stress, whether I show it or not. I have to remember what my therapist (yes, I saw a therapist, k) told me last year, "It's time for you to put aside making other people happy right now... YOU can't be any help to them if you don't have faith in the decisions your making. Put yourself first. Tell them you need time and if they care about you, they'll understand. You need help, and that comes first in these cases."

Right now, I need to go with that advice. I have too many conflicts going on in my mind right now and I'm not able to put all my heart into taking one step before another. So I guess I need to take things slow and make sure I'm doing the right things. I vow to stop sulking over the people who are tearing me apart right now.

I love you. I love you a lot. I want you to know that no matter what people tell you, it doesn't compare to how I see you and that should mean something to you. You're a wonderful person and an AMAZING best friend of mine. Try to think of good times and pray, like I told you to do last night. I swear it will help.

I miss you. I shouldn't, but I do. I don't know, should I? I'm praying about it. I'm not sure whether I should pursue you or just let for the cards to fall where they will. Either way, you're one of the things holding me back. I love you though.

I want us to become a lot closer again, like we did last year. You truly are an incredible, irreplacable person and you make me smile every single day. Plus, you and I come up with the best jokes and you're honestly someone that would kill me to lose.

Thanks to you, I'm continuing to put my faith into God more and more and I already am feeling better about myself how I live everyday. I noticed my attitude has been more positive and I've been smiling a lot more, on the inside too. I still can't thank you enough, although we both know it was no coincidence.

I think you're being overdramatic and I feel bad for you. I've already felt a wall break down. You were someone holding me back, but I've decided it's okay for me to just keep going how I am and I'll be okay. I've gone through too much pain for you to make me feel bad now. I love you, though.

GOD BLESS x

Lovelies;

Hey! :D Jesus le gusta :p Okay so I woke up feeling very sick and negative and immediately, I asked God to give me the strength to get through the day and I made it just fine :) People were annoying today, but I was able to just smile and move on and that felt great. After school, I went out and bought a bible so I'm proud of myself for that :D I also bought a brand spankin' new journal for English II, the extra credit thing. YAY! Journaling at home for extra credit? That's heaven. I'm pretty sure I'm getting my new phone soon, except I saw a new one I might want :P So now I'm comparing them; The Instinct and Blackberry Curve. Uh ohhhh. I missed Nitty today cause he's a retard and stayed home :( Business is no fun without him. Hmph. I'm still so sick, after I got home from Barnes and Noble, I fell asleep and slept for about 2 hours xD I'm still tired. On the bright side! I wrote a poem today in English that I really like :)

I think I'm going to stop missing you. I think you pushed me to the point where I'd rather not talk to you than feel the hurt. I tried talking to you and getting myself back into your life but I guess you can't push these things. I don't think I'm overreacting, I know I'm not. I love you and you decided to push me away for whatever reason. I guess all I can do is remain friendly, but I'm going to stop trying to getting to you because it's just hurting me too badly, it really is, more than you know.

let's comment x

HEY!

God loves you :D Today was icky, cause I didn't feel good again. I kept feeling nauseous and my tummah was hurtin. After school, Colin came over, but I was asleeeeepin when he got here :) I got my rings back though, the ones I left at Bean's! We pretty much just hung out and stuffs, I missed him. GO PEPTO BISMOL! Mmm, yummy pink stuff. I am in love with this journal Nitty and I are sharing, it's gorgeous and I love what it says inside;

Within the furthest reaches of the heart

Lie those desires whos name on dares not speak. So seductive, so intoxicating, so indulgent,

our most private passions burn at the

molten core of our being, luring us to the

very heights of ecstasy and depths of despair.

Through the ages, the words of impassioned

lovers have transformed a virginal sheet of

paper into a sanctuary for a restless heart.

Each of the pages in this journal awaits

the expression of your own desires-

unedited, undiluted, unhibited.

Abandon yourself.

If you dare.

Amazing, right?! I can't wait to write in it :)

I love youuu <33

Today, I had

the curse of low self-esteem, so that was a tad lame. I had an orthodontist appointment in the morning and told him how badly my jaw has been bothering me so YIPEE I'm in one of those lame-o retainers that stick to the roof of your mouth like a suckerfish, yummmmmmeeee. It's really hurting my teeth :( YAY FOR ADVIL! I look like an absolute dork, now. I hate talking too xD I can feel my teachers looking at me like 'HAHAHAHAHA' and I'm all frowney face, meanies. I feel like I belong in that song, All I Want for Christmas is My Two Front Teeth.

xxDD

My tummah has been hurting me badly lately and I'm angry at it because of that. So we're fighting. I ate a whole sleeve of Saltines, om nom nom. SEAAAAKING! So, I want to do some thanking!

Thank you, Nitty for being here for me no matter what, I love how we became really close and you cheer me up everyday. I feel comfortable telling you most everything and I've felt closer to you than anyone recently. I LOVE YOUU :D

Thank you, Hattie for talking to me recently :) I have a feeling God brought you into my life for a special reason and I appreciate you being there more than you could imagine, with how rough life has been for me :D So thank you, thank you <3>

Thank you, Sheri for forgiving me and letting what happened blow over. I'm so glad we're friends, even though we may not get along a lot of the time. I feel better knowing I'm not the only one who was having those thoughts, and I want to thank you for sticking with me even though I hurt you. I love you, Shurr <333>

Thank you, God for helping me to see the light when I was so lost. Thank you for putting amazing people in my life and for keeping me safe everyday. Thank you for each day you give me and thank you for keeping me sane these days. I thank you for everything <3

I love you all, God bless!

off x

I think I'm

getting sick :( I got home today and immediately changed into shorts and a tank top and fell asleep. I didn't wake up until 7:30 xD It was nice though. Ah, I'm started to feel like I'm getting reconnected with God and I'm loving it, it makes me feel so much better. I know He's helping me right now. Homework is frustrating me, but only because I can't get the stupid gestures for Art II right >:/ Making me a tad upset. This weekend, I want to have plans! I never do anymore. So, seriously, let's talk about that, keep me busy ;D

I can't stop listening to Christian music now, and it's all making me cry. I'm really sensitive right now, have been for the past week. Things are getting to me easier, but this...this is in a good way.

Let's comment this, okay?

i love you all <3