Ne me quitte pas, mon cher

I tried to focus on my heart. I tried to make sure that I wouldn't hurt anyone. I pulled myself away from the one person I was hurting the most and it became a mess. I didn't do it to make them mad... I didn't do it to be vicious. I did it because I wasn't in the right state of mind and I knew I was going to end up regretting something. I didn't do it for me, I did it for them. Now, we barely talk. When we do, it's one-sided. I try to make conversation, try to keep optimistic. I don't think they even know what to say to me anymore. It's all jokes.

I'm sorry if you're mad at me. I wish you could understand why I did what I did. I tried to warn you beforehand that my life was going to change. I feel like instead of standing ground and supporting me, you got angry and blamed the medication. I'm sorry if you feel like I became something horrible. The way we are now, is not what I wanted. If something happened to you and that was that, I would be devastated that our relationship was the way it was. I'm sorry that I hurt you, it was never my intention. We might have argued a lot and I might have been upset about things you did but, this isn't how I wanted it to turn out.

There was one thing in life that I thought I wanted more than anything. One thing that I constantly prayed for, tried to make happen every single day. And now that it's starting to, I'm not sure how I feel about it. It wasn't what I thought it would be. I think I got so used to wishing for it that once it finally came to me, I didn't know what to do. I love it but I don't. I want more of it, but I want to push away from it.

I miss the presence of my best friend, knowing he was there. I miss seeing him every day and I wish I saw him more. Any frustration, I could just talk to him about between classes as we walked together. I hope you know, I'm still here for you 110%. I'll still do anything for you and I love you. Please don't get discouraged by the fact that I'm not there right now. You still mean just as much to me and I can't wait to see you again.

I know that I'm capable of incredible things. I know that I have the intelligence and the heart to do anything that I want to do. I just don't know if what I want to do is considered acceptable. But I should say, to hell with what they think. Maybe my dreams don't have to be of education and work and money and material things. Maybe they used to be, but now maybe they're of finding beautiful things, living to the fullest I possibly can, and doing what people are scared to do. I think what scares me the most is knowing that I have the mind to be incredibly successful. It's like, I KNOW that, but my heart is saying, "Go have fun. See the world. You can do anything you want to do, it's your own version of successful." I think I would be happier in a small house in the mountains, waking up to the joy of what God has blessed me with, walking in the fresh air and enjoying nature all day than in a huge house with nice cars, big televisions, and expensive furniture.

What I think is successful? Ending each day knowing that I did what I wanted to do. I took risks, I dove straight for the happiness of my heart, followed what my soul was telling me. It's like waking up in the morning and thinking, "I'd really love to go to Europe." and then pulling on your work clothes and trudging off into morning traffic. I want to get up, pack a suitcase, and just go.

Maybe that's going to be my biggest challenge in life. Knowing that I should probably get an education, go to college, and get a big fancy job. Knowing that but instead doing something else. Take the time each day to watch sun come up, throw paint on the floor and jump around in it just for the pure childish joy of it. Or sleep all day, be up all night dancing around to music, cooking strange food, and laughing.

I feel like I'm wasting my time right now. Each day, I get up and do nothing. I'm going to fix this though. I only have to follow what I believe is right for me. It doesn't matter what other people think, if this is what I want, I'm going for it. And it is.

You're not trying, (I swear I'm trying)

I was on auto-pilot the entire day, I swear. Except for Art Club, I lost the whole morning and afternoon. I felt like a robot, it was horrible. I was falling asleep standing up, while walking. It sucked. I need to get more sleep, I guess.

Everyone else seemed to have shitty days today :( it's lame, I feel like Monday just really sucked. It was like BLAH to the max.

Hooly sent me a link to an UnderOATH acoustic cover and it's giving me chills <3

I feel like some people in my life are all wrong. Aside from a select few, I can't tell who I want to be closer to, who I need to give up on, and who I want to just stay neutral with.

You're uninviting, unrewarding.

I want a fire right now, like a big fireplace right next to my bed. With a giant, comfy rug, candles, pencils, and paper. I would love to just sit in front of a fire and write for hours.

There are so many things that I want to say but they keep slipping from my mind. I feel like my mind is all scrambled today.

I wish people were more loving. I wish we all hugged more, smiled at each other more, gave each other a nice text once a day. I feel like affection is missing, as if it has almost completely disappeared from the air that we're breathing. I don't like it. It makes me feel cold, and a bit lonely.

I feel like I'm slipping also. I'm not right in the head right now. I'm thinking things I shouldn't be thinking. Wanting things I shouldn't be wanting. Dreaming of things I shouldn't be dreaming. I'm just all wrong. Completely wrong.

Thought of the Day:
I think it's okay to cry now.

Bend me, Break me, Any way you need me.

I'm doing better. Yes, it's taking time, but... I think I'm getting there. Things seem easier at the moment and work isn't nearly as bad as it used to be. I only pray that I can stay here.

So come on get higher, loosen my lips.

I'm looking for something to do tomorrow after school because Colin is working until late. So if anyone wants to haaaang, holla at me ;D

I really, really want to go to a college that has a great creative writing program. I still don't know what I want to do in life career-wise, but I know that I have to write, I must write. I love it so much, sometimes I don't even realize how much I do it :) it just makes me so happy.

Oh, I realized something today. I realized it when I saw Grace outside at car line :p but it seems (to me at least) that all of us little Blogspot kids are like, connected in a way. It's like, yeah we pass each other in the halls, and yeah some of us talk, but it isn't until we're safe in our little world of spreading words and feelings like viruses that we get to know each other. We can speak not one word to each other during the day, not even look at each other, but once we see that new blog post, it's exciting :) maybe that's just me. But I saw Grace outside after school and I just noticed it. It's not like either of us communicated but I just got this feeling. I like it though. We all get to know the deeper meaning to one another.

Like I said though, maybe that's just me :)

By the way, Daniel, if you read this, your hugs are the best parts of the day most of the times. You are seriously my favorite hugger :D I'm not kidding <3 your hugs make me feel loved, important, and you really hug me back. I'm such a hugger too, aha, so I love your hugs and I just want you to know that :) they make my day.

I think I'm going to go write now <3 I love you all so very much :)

Leave some love back? ;D

Oh and by the way,


:D

One year today (:

I'm happy. I am very happy. Today is January 27, 2009 and it has officially been one full year that Colin and I have been together :D <3

On another note, I have a cold sore that hurts bad right nao.

Okay.

I keep getting the urge to write so I think I'm going to finish up Colin's letter and then I'm going to work on a closure thing. POSSIBLY. I don't know about it yet. I think in order to do such a thing, you need to accept the closure. Meh, I don't know. I need to think about it some more. Unfortunately, I keep getting on here late at night, so I don't have any time to do a big blog D: but I will by sometime this weekend! I really feel like I need to, and I want to.

For now though, I'm going to lather my cold sore with Abreva and text my love <3

Goodnight !

You've never seen a face so unfamiliar

I don't really like thinking "What if..."

It seems like now with every situation that arises, I imagine it as if certain things never happened in my past. What if things went a different way? How would I react if I was in that place instead of my current one? It's a difficult thing to think about, really. I wish I could let go of the past. Sometimes I feel like I hold onto it so much that it's keeping future possibilities out. I'm still not sure about something and I wish that I could just have the answer handed to me. I'm having a hard time right now. I mean, really, life is doing good. I'm trying to try harder in school and I have great friends, but something isn't right mentally/emotionally. I'm not quite there yet, if that makes sense.

I'm seeing people differently. I have a hard time seeing them for their looks or personality. I've realized I'm really thinking hard about people, thinking of them as a soul instead of this body they're working in. I keep thinking of all of us as just souls that are learning. We've made so many mistakes, but that's our purpose.

I find it hard to grasp that part of our purpose is to make mistakes, to get hurt. It's hard to think that things that I have been through are all a destined part of my creation.

I'll have a gigantic blog tomorrow because it's a big day. For now, I'm annoyed with a cold sore, I feel like I can't get my thoughts out correctly, and it's too dark in the living room.

Goodnight.

I was just trying to make a sammich

I had a really good afternoon. I went to the Art Club meeting and it should be a lot of fun. Next, I had a blast with Shar, Hooly, and Kelsey making fun of things on Hooly's iPod Touch, lmao. Then, I went to Curves with Shar and her mommy. Then Subway! Now I'm home and full and I have a ton of homework. Blah. I'm excited about tomorrow though :) tomorrow should be good, realllll good.

I feel kind of sick though. It's really warm in this house.

So tonight, I'm going to finish my homework and then I have some writing to do ;D I wish I could move, I hate where I live right now. Oh well, all in due time, I suppose.

Goodbye for now <3

You hold me down

I hate how you make me second guess every aspect of my life.
I hate missing you.
I hate feeling like you aren't here.
I hate that I make myself look back and it hurts me.
I hate how I can't get you out of my mind.
I hate how you make me feel like a horrible person.
I hate how I still feel like nothing without you.
I hate feeling like you have no idea how I'm holding up.
I hate the gut feeling that things will never be the same.
I hate how I can still be miserable over you.
I hate how you make me feel.
I hate that you aren't here.
I hate how you confuse me.
I hate how I can't talk to you about any of this.

I don't know what to do about any of it. If I had any doubts whatsoever before, they're gone now, and that makes me feel sick.

You made me cry today.

Actually, I don't know if it was really you. Maybe the memories, maybe it was my fault for looking back.

I miss you.

Am I alone in this?

I think it's sad what people have become. It really disappoints me to see how people treat each other nowadays. Is it so bad that when we are hurt or confused, we reach for comfort? I for one, know that when you go through a serious situation, you want help. Sure, you might not just slap it down there for everyone to understand, but is it so bad to say you're having problems? I think it's sad that so many people just sit there and are hypocritical, saying that no one cares about your issues, blah blah. I am sick and tired of hearing that. I know way too many people who have been distressed and posted something to the public. A blog does that, a status does that, a bulletin does that.

So why do I hear so many people saying 'nobody cares about your problems.'

How SAD is that? NOBODY CARES ABOUT YOUR PROBLEMS. Who wants to hear that? Society is pathetic. We're supposed to care for one another, love one another, be there for one another. If all you do is complain, and then get all snotty because someone else complains? Think twice, that's wrong. I'm disappointed in people.

It shouldn't matter if it's a stupid problem, a big problem, a silly break up, a death, a fight, an illness, ANYTHING. If someone has a problem, they should be able to share it without being criticized.

So, I don't care what anyone says. If you are dealing with something, anything at all. Whether you stubbed your toe or your best friend just died, I say you can share it. You might not be able to talk to people who are thickheaded and ignorant, but you sure can talk to me. I'm here for anyone, every single one of you.

What society is today is pathetic. We need help, serious help. Or we'll have to pay the consequence.

God Bless.

Day 5: Raspberry

Luscious, ripe Oregon raspberries add a deliciously tangy, fruity flavor to an already outstanding China Black tea blend. Rich and deep flavored brewed traditionally and outstanding as an iced tea.

Morning:: I woke up around 10-11. My bed was actually comfy last night since I got one of those tempurpedic mattress toppers. I woke up happier since I talked to Colin on the phone last night. Brandon was still asleep when I got up so I snuck out to the living room to play the PlayStation3 :D but I got stuck quick and had to wake him up to help me with a game :/ it's called Mirror's Edge. It's cool but makes me dizzy xD My Aunt and Grandpa are going to come over around 1 so we can say goodbye to my Aunt. She leaves for Michigan today :/

Afternoon: My Aunt was really sad to go. Complete opposite of me, she wishes she could stay in the heat. She doesn't want to go back home to Michigan where it's cold and snowing. What a weird person xD I would kill to be in the snow. I pretty much just played video games all day. My mom and Brandon went to Walmart and GameStop to try to exchange/get wii and PlayStation3 games. GameStop was RIDICULOUS. They had to be way over their limit of people xD it was gross and scary. We ended up getting Little Big Planet for ps3, a Pokemon game for Wii, some family game for Wii, Mario Kart for Wii, and 2 more controllers for the Wii. It was a decent afternoon.

Night: That family game we got for the Wii was great xD Watching my mother try to play the Wii is hilarious. Absolutely hilarious. My brother and I keep arguing on whether or not we should play Little Big Planet or what. I'm talking to Colin on the phone though, so I don't really care about anything else. I think I'll sleep in the living room tonight. I love you <3

Day 4: Ginger Peach

The light flavor of this famous oriental spice enhances the smooth, rich taste of fresh southern peaches and combines with a blend of China Black teas to create a most appealing tea.

Morning: My Aunt and grandpa left so late that I didn't actually lie down until around 2am. Then I didn't fall asleep until around 4:30, I think. Either way, Brandon woke me up with a "GET UP FOR PRESENTS, AH-LEEEEE!" xD I think it was 9:30. It was a great morning though. My Aunt and Grandpa came over, we all had a ton of gifts that we loved. Breakfast was yummy too <3 every major holiday, Mom makes Cinnamon Rolls ! They are the absolute shiz. Oh and we got a ps3 and a wii. I knew about the ps3, but no one knew about the wii, my Dad decided to surprise Mom with it ;D

Afternoon: Christmas is pretty much good, I just really miss Colin. We ate dinner here as a family, and then we're going over to the neighbor's house for a mini Christmas party. I'm kinda bleh about it because it's always all boring and adult-ish. However, our new neighbors are supposed to be going and they have two kids, 16 and 6 year old boys. So maybe that can keep Brandon and I busy.

Night: Stupid neighbor's kids never showed up. So it really was a boring, adult party. I love my Aunt xD she's never met anyone over there before. So she walks in with her Tequila Rose, pours everyone shots, sits down at a table full of people, and starts chatting away, aha. I played the Wii a little bit since the neighbor's own one. It was funny watching all of the adults attempting to play :P My mom and I got really bored though after about an hour and walked home. I was really happy that Colin called me for the first time since he's beeng gone. Although he said he would call EVERY night. Oh well. I'm going to sleep in my room tonight. I love you.

Day 3: Earl Grey

The finest China Black teas are blended and infused with the oil of Bergamot, a pear-shaped citrus from the Mediterranean. Named after Earl Charles Grey, who was presented with the tea while he was a diplomat in China in the early 1800's.

Morning: I slept on the couch again last night. Being in my room just feels too weird. I only step foot in there to get dressed, then I'm gone. I don't think I fell asleep until around 4am, either. I woke up in a pretty good mood, though, so that's a plus.

Afternoon: I've done absolutely nothing except sit around and watch TV or get on the computer. There's nothing to do. On a second note, I really despise Florida. It's Christmas Eve and it's warm. I hate that. I HATE it. I'm really moody now, my happy mood deteriorated. I fell asleep in my parents' bed because it has one of those tempurpedic mattress tops. Taking long naps in the afternoon screw me up. So now I'm even more moody. I took a shower, though. Now, I guess my aunt and grandpa are coming over. I feel like I'm on the verge of tears. I hate Christmas in Florida. It doesn't even feel like Christmas. I'm not excited. I'm not happy. I feel gross and blah. I hate PMS, too. I hate that Colin is in North Dakota and not here, with me. I hate North Dakota.

Night: I definitely felt better once my Aunt and grandpa got here. I forgot how fun my Aunt could be. She let me have shots of tequila rose :) And keeps showing me pictures of her new puppy and making fun of my dad, haha. We watched Jeff Dunham's Christmas Special again. It was about my family's 6th time seeing it xD but she had never seen it, so we watched it. It's still funny no matter how many times you've seen it. I'm kind of full from eating so much food xD All of those little food trays can really fill you up. Especially my Aunt's devilled eggs, YUM <33 I still wish Colin was here though, I miss him a lot. I can't believe tomorrow's Christmas. I wanted to get my permit over break but Dad said I can't get it until I finish virtual school :( So I guess I'll try to work hard on that tomorrow. I realllllly want to get my permit before school starts up again. My birthday is in October, I don't want to turn 16 and have to wait too long. Two months won't kill me but I don't want to go any longer than that. I'm going to sleep in the living room again tonight. My room feels empty and weird without you. I love you.

Day 2: Apricot

The essence of ripe and juicy apricots is blended with the highest quality China Black Keemun tea. Enjoy this tea brewed traditionally or pour over ice for a wonderfully refreshing treat.

Morning: Sleeping on the couch kinda of sucked but only because Brandon was so freaking loud on XBOX Live and kept waking me up. It's so much cooler out in the living room than in my room. I guess that's because of the two fans and all. Plus, my bedroom door is always shut. I'm better today. A lot better. I let Zena inside, which I'm not supposed to do, but Brandon's the only one home and he's 11 and sleeping. What can he do? :) Right now my lovely cat is lying on the dining room table, probably getting her calico fur alllll over it. I heart Zena :D

Afternoon: I was really happy when Nitty suggested I hang out with Sheri and him today. This was fun :) Nitty picked me up and we went to Applebee's. That was definitely interesting with Braelyn and Trace and Taylor there too xD I LOL'd so hard to Braelyn sometimes. "Those old people aren't Negroes. Why aren't they Negroes?" Ahaa. Quesadillas are good with A1 sauce too. After Applebee's, we went to Best Buy and saw Larry there. Then we went to see Austin's new house, yay! I like his old one better :P We made amazing miis though, lmao. I have the best video evar on my camera now. Then Sheri's mama picked Sheri and me up and took us to see Dustin. Greaaaaat 15 minutes of my life I'll never get back. Dustin wouldn't even get naked for us. Come onnnn. :P Then I went to Sheri's and got my Christmas gifts [eeeeeh :D] Then she went to Pauly's to meet her frand and my daddy took me home.

Night: I don't really feel like going to bed for awhile. I'm content fixing up my Myspace and searching for graphics. I got some new music today, it's keeping me happy. I'm glad I had a better day today. Although, I really do feel awkward and lonely without you. It's strange, I can't explain it. I can't wait for you to get back. I love you.



flickr photo for Tuesday, December 23, 2008

Day 1: Cinnamon Plum

The rich and aromatic flavor of China Black Teas harmonize with the equally rich flavor of plums that have just a hint of spice added to create a treat for your palate.

Morning: The house is freezing cold and empty. Half of my bed is lying on the floor from too much tossing and turning. My eyes burn and my throat is dry. I finally shut my bedroom windows and turned up the heat. I'm glad I have this hoodie. I think I have plans for later today. Probably going to work out with Mom then go shopping a bit. Who knows, though. I miss you already.

Afternoon: All I could do was lie around and watch movies. First it was The Cat in the Hat, with Michael Meyers. Brandon woke up and joined me to watch it so I cheered up a little, not being so alone. I forgot how funny that movie could be. Next it was The Happening. I had already seen it but Brandon hadn't. I decided at this point, I could go over and see my Aunt. So I got dressed and straightened my hair and everything and walked over and turns out that my grandpa and her went out for a little. It was cold today, too :( so walking back home was like ugh. Mom came home as we were watching Transformers and took us to Walgreens for some stuff, then Subway. Now I'm home and it's cold. The house feels empty and weird even though Mom, Dad, and Brandon are all in the kitchen. I think I'm going to fix my computer tomorrow. I miss you a lot.

Night: I hurt my arm really bad and got a throbbing headache. My pillow is now soaked from melting ice. I'm going to sleep out in the living room. It's cooler out there and my room feels empty and weird. I helped Mom finish decorating the Christmas tree. I think tomorrow my Aunt is coming over. I wish you were here. I love you.


flickr photo for Monday, December 22, 2008.

Hello; Good Evening,

I love You <3

My faith in God is growing stronger and stronger everyday. I read the bible every chance I get and absorb in all of the words. I'm reading books and doing research and I find my love for Him is unbreakable. I know He's listening to me and is always here for me when I need Him. He is my Savior and my light and I will continue to follow in His name :D

On another note:


I'm so excited :D TEAM EDWARD <3333

I get angry thinking of Jacob xD ugh. NO ME GUSTA JACOB, NO. ME. GUSTA. You know, I actually used to like Jacob until the end of New Moon. From then on, ESPECIALLY IN ECLIPSE, I hated him. Reading Breaking Dawn with him was unbearable. Lost my liking for him altogether.

<3

Let's talk okay?

Best Weekend Ever :)

On Friday, Sheri, Colin, Nitty, Hooly, Carolina, and I went to Fresh Market and annoyed the customers whilst talking to Hosef. We bought garlic and herb bread and left for SUBWAY FRIDAY! We havent gathered there in about 3 weeks so our people were like "AHHHHH YOU'RE BACK!!!" It was great (: We def entertained the customers there, lawl lawl. Then Nitty and Holly were like "We were grounded!" and the manager said she'd write us a note xD so she put:

To the parents of Ally, Sheri, Austin, Julian, and Colin.

This is the manager of Subway and I would like to ask if any groundings occur in your children, please don't make them groundings from Subway! I very much enjoy these teenagers and seeing them every Friday is important to me. Any questions, call this number.

Mandi.

It was something along those lines but it was awesome and we were like HAI THANKS! After Subway, we called our parents and stuff and went to HOOLY and CAROLINA'S house to stay the night :D

Amazing. Things we did:
Ball Smacking
Wii Sports
Cookie Dough Eating
Too Much Laughing
Cockroach Hunting
Blockbuster at like 9 or 10
El Orfanato
A good bit of SCREAMING
Running from Hooly's farts
Scrabble
Walking
Sitting backwards in the car
Playing with Piralou
You Would
Huddling Together - basically cause of TOMAS
Looking at old yearbooks
Sheri, Nitty, and Hooly slept in Hooly's bed
Colin and I slept in the guest room

SATURDAY!
Baked the remaining dough
Ate the cookies
Made miis
Played wii
Lazed around
Nitty and Sheri left
Colin showered
Don't Mess with the Zohan - stupid
Colin and I left to get changed
Met Hooly and Carolina and their madre at Denny's
Went to Florida Mall
SEPHORA
Crepe Market, omyum
Met some of their family
Went back home


:D And I have to say that I love Colin Shaw very, very much <3333

I left my charger in his car, my extra battery in Hooly's madre's car, and my school stuff in Carolina's trunk.

xD

whoops.

Anywhore, best weekend ever, I love them all, definitely my best friends.

<3 COMMMMMMMENT

It is so hard to let you go

and I regret every second of taking you for granted. I regret complaining and wishing things were different. I regret crying over you and being angry because of you. I regret telling people about you. I regret wishing bad things upon you. I even regret talking to you sometimes because I feel it would be easier if I never had. I haven't tried talking to you in awhile and I don't know how you're doing, but I hope well. I'm sure you're happy, I so dearly hope that's true. I hope that you think about me a lot and that you're wishing good things for me. I hope that you're being taken care of and you are loved. I hope that you know if I could go back and change what happened, I would do it in a heartbeat. I hope you understand that I was scared and unsure of where I was going in life.

I would do anything to become close to you, as close as I am to you in my dreams, which you are constantly in. I wake up each morning missing you more and more and wishing you were still by my side so to speak. I feel empty without you and so very alone. Sometimes I share these thoughts with people who knew about you. They typically tell me the same thing and that's to let go or move on or tell me that there will be others like you. But they're wrong, they are so incredibly wrong. I'll never let go. My pain will heal when it's ready to heal and neither they nor I have control over that. The other thing they're wrong about is that there will never be anyone like you again. Others will come around but nobody like you. I will forever have to keep you in my heart as I see you. I miss you, I miss you so much and nobody can understand quite honestly the extent of that. Please think of me. I'm striving so hard to make you proud but I'm getting nothing back. Are you proud of me? I'm working on it.. I really am. It's not so easy when I'm so caught up in the fact that you're not here. It seems to hit me as fresh news every single time I open my eyes.

People don't get the fact that things would have turned out fine, had I not messed up. Or did I mess up? What happened that you left me? Either way, I have faith in knowing that life would have been incredible with you still here. There would have been hard times, as always, but with the amount of passion I have for you, and the amount of care God has for the both of us, we would have been just fine.. life would have been just fine.

You changed my life forever and I won't ever, ever forget you. I know we can't ever go back.. but I wish we could. Please hope for happiness for me and I hope the same for you. I'm sorry if I let you down. I love you with every particle of my being, more than I could ever love anyone.. <3

Tonight I want to be taken away

I hate feeling so right one moment...putting so much faith into the next step, knowing it's the most perfect thing to do. Then the next, it's like you're worried, upset that you're going to do the wrong thing. And I hate that my mind is pulling me one way so far while my heart seems so unsure. I'm going day by day feeling more and more insecure but trying so hard to let go of it and just let things happen. I feel like I'm working incredibly hard to be better, make good choices, and just listen. Right now I feel like I'm being tested and I know it's a part of life but I wish it wasn't right NOW. I guess there's no choice on that though. I'm emotionally and physically exhausted and school is the last place I want to be. I can't concentrate on any of it except ART which is my favorite right now because painting seems most peaceful, even if it is ugly abstract stuff, I feel like I have control over it. I don't like that automatically, I'm feeling sorry for myself, but at the same time, I feel the need to just let myself be aware of it. So then, I suppose, it's not self pity.

Also, I'm not so sure letting go of the past is always a good thing? I don't know. I guess eventually I could start to think of it less and less...but I don't ever want to forget. I thought I found some hope for awhile and I held onto it for dear, dear life. Now I feel as maybe it's running from me..I hope not, I really do. Maybe I just need to keep my focus on it.

I miss Colin.
I miss you.
I miss you, too.
I need You.
I love you, you, you, and You.

I feel like crying, goodnight

My Weekend

On Friday, Carolina, Hooly, Nitty, Allie, and I went to Subway for Subway Friday :) and our people were there as always. We learned that if Nitty had an identical twin that was sent to the future while Nitty was frozen, that twin would marry the one employee there, hence the reason her son looks like a Nitty spawn. Afterward, Colin joined us and we all went to Carolina and Hooly's house, game room FTW. Nitty broke his belt and Hooly farted. Then, Buffalo Beat Cafe, which was pretty good. THEN, Colin and I drove Nitty home while Nitty sat in the back telling scary stories about his neighborhood and making Colin drive past the haunted house, WHICH freaked me out, especially after Colin randomly slammed on his brakes, looked out my window, and screamed. Thanks babe, I think I peed a little.

On Saturday, I woke up at 1pm and lazed around until Colin came over, and we played video games until 6, when we made reservations at Carrabbas. Then we got all dressed up in our homecoming stuff - since we didn't get to go to it - and went out :) My dad paid for it all too, so that was really nice. We got home and we thought about going to see City of Ember at the Oldmill Playhouse, but we were too full and found better things to do ;) He spent the night that night and we slept on the couch's pull-out bed, yay!

Today, after yummy pancakes made from my mommy, Colin took me to his house and we chilled. His mommy makes amazing hot artichoke spinach dip i think it's called? either way, OM NOM. Then we went to my house and he ate dinner here :p while I drank MILK and then we cuddled and talked and had a moment. Then he went home and now I'm doing this.

FIN.

we missed you tonight <3

comment!

I wish that I

was looking into your eyes. I can't get through a day without having some sort of breakdown anymore. You're infecting my thoughts and I can't differentiate them from good or bad. I want to hold you, kiss you, and hear you talk. Words can't express the amount of pain I feel, knowing I'm not feeling your presence right now. I find myself wanting to tiptoe into your room, just to check up on you, see if you're sleeping okay. If not, I'd hold you until you could keep your perfect eyes shut for the night. I want to clean up after any mess you make and sing your tears away. I want to see you smile, at me, and feel on top of the world, knowing I caused it. I'd give up absolutely anything to have just a day to not leave your side, do everything with you, and do anything you want to do...but even I know a day wouldn't be enough. I want months, years, a lifetime. I talk, even though you're so far away that my words won't reach you. I cry, even though you aren't there to make me feel better. Most of all, I hurt, knowing I won't get the chance to do any of these things. Even so, you make my heart beat and you keep my lungs breathing even when I don't want to. One day, I will hold you, and until then, you will always be in my mind.

I love you and I miss you.