Moments with you are my life's best

I don't know what to do with myself. I don't know what I want from myself or anyone else. I'm sick of my thoughts, feelings, emotions, everything. I'm tired of hearing people tell me that I'm not trying hard enough or I'm too lazy or I can't rely on other people my entire life. I hate that I listen to them. I hate how I'm at the point where giving up seems so easy. I hate how no matter what I say, someone finds a way to make it sound stupid.

I don't think I've ever been so unsure of myself. Usually I have that little voice in my head that says I'm doing okay, to just keep pushing on. I don' t have that anymore. I do things, say things, without realizing that I'm doing or saying them. I'm irritating my father and am constantly lectured by him.

I feel like a zombie at school. Like it's such a waste of time and I should be on doing more important things. I don't want to think about grades or college or what I'm going to do with my life. I can't concentrate on getting a job or money. I hate how those things are always the topics of conversations, every time I talk to someone. I'll share an idea of something I want to do in life and all I ever get back is, "Yeah, if you have the money to do that."

I don't think that way. I can't think that way. I just know I want to do something and I will do it. I confuse myself so horribly because I'm so against the way the world works.

And I hate when people tell me I need to just accept things that have happened and get back to work. That might be the way you work, but it's not the way that everyone works, especially me. I'll move on when I'm ready to move on. And people say that everyone goes through bad stuff and struggles with life but you can't use it as a crutch. I never ask for sympathy from people because of all the things that I've been through. All I'd like is a BREAK from everything. Yes, I'm able to function and no, I'm not dying, but that doesn't mean that each day I'm able to just forget things and live normally. I really, really just want a break from the world right now, but I'm afraid the only 'break' that I'll get is more meds and more therapy and I'd really rather not.

You know when you get this overwhelming feeling:

I have that constantly. I just don't know where the 'home' is that I'm looking for.



By the way, I still miss you.

Until the day I die, I'll spill my heart for you

Finally going back to school tomorrow :P I've been out the entire week with bronchitis, it's pretty much lame. I swear, one of the worst feelings in the world is not being able to breathe through a throat full of mucus xD

Anyway o.O

I've been playing Pokemon Platinum all week and I have to say that it seriously owns. It's actually quite different from Diamond and Pearl, more so than I expected, so that's good. I wasn't one of the people worried that it was going to be a deja vu of Ruby/Emerald/Sapphire, but I know a lot of people were saying that. So, ha :P

Other than that, my week has been boring. Except on Wednesday, Lucy drove over here (in a car 8,000 times too big for her :P) and we hung out for a bit, so it was really cool :) we caught up on a lot of stuff and just had fun. And we swear, the air around us like farted AXE. It was amazing. Although I did feel like the lamest kid alive for not being at the ADTR, TDWP, SEA, Emarosa concert :(

I can't even imagine the make up work I'm going to have D:

Oh, and am I the only one who gets pissed off when their parents schedule a teacher/guidance meeting without telling/asking you?!

>:|

My dad, today, was like:

"How are your grades?"
"Okay, I guess."
"Really? Cause I talked to your guidance counselor..."
"...uh-huh."
"Yeah. She says you're not doing too well in history."
*stares*
"So I made a meeting with her, it's tomorrow."
"Thanks."
"Yeah. You're going to miss lunch though, so I'll bring you Subway."
"Great."
"Good" *smiles* "I'll be back later." *leaves*

Ugh.

And, I HATE not doing things on Fridays, and so I always get upset when Colin dearest has to work on those days. He's not working tomorrow. He's going to Busch Gardens >:| so I'm home with the family. Ay yi yi. I haven't seem him since last Saturday :O

I really have no central point to this blog, I just feel guilty for like abandoning BlogSpot for awhile xD save my short post yesterday. Bad night xD

I just sneezed, bless me.

I'm strange, goodnight ;D

<3

But somewhere we went wrong, we were once so strong

Surprise, surprise, I'm sick. Seriously, my immune system SUCKS. All of my surgeries last year left me with practically nothing left to prevent sickness xD

So I missed school today and am sad because now I can't go to the A Day to Remember, The Devil Wears Prada, Emarosa, and Sky Eats Airplane concert on Wednesday :(

But oh well. Ugh, I can't breathe out muh nooozzze.

:O I'm watching a show where this toddler boy can't stop self-harming himself because of this syndrome he has. Like, he bit his bottom lip off and started trying to bite his tongue off, so his parents had to get all of his teeth removed. Then he started banging his head off of his highchair and floor. Isn't that sad :( Once they discovered what he had, they gave him meds, and he's apparently better now, but he has a ton of scar tissue around his mouth.

Anyway, that was random. I've been watching a lot of the Discovery Health channel since I've been sick xD I'm so paranoid, I shouldn't watch these shows, aha.

I haven't been feeling too... bloggy lately. I know that probably sounds retarded or something xD but like, I haven't been wanting to put the effort into Blogspot. Tumblr either. It's like, blehh. Maybe I'm slightly anti-social. Meh.

I love <33

Darling you know I'll love you till the end of time

Is it incredibly crazy to say that even though I'm surrounded by really great friends, I still feel so incredibly alone? I feel as if I'm so torn between things in my life. This vs. that, him vs. her, today vs. yesterday. It's like I can never get to a happy medium in my life, not even more a little bit.

One day, I'm satisfied with how things are going. Then the next, I want to scream and cry and rip my hair out. It's like I can't ever win.

I wish I wasn't so afraid to be honest with people about how I really feel.

I'm worried about something right now, and I'm praying really hard that things aren't how I suspect they are. If so, I will feel really let down. Hurt.

No, you know what. I'm not going to let this get worse. I'm going to fix it, because I probably made it happen in the first place. I won't let things get out of hand. It was a promise, as I was constantly reminded, and I have to keep my end of the promise. I'm going to fix things, as hard as I have to try.

Life is my creation, is my best friend

I really need to get ahold of the positive things in my life. I'm getting sick of everything being negative. I want to be nicer to people, make more friends, work harder at school (as much as I would really love to give up there).

(:

I'm kind of hyper right now, I can't stand still long enough to type up a big blog (even though it is... 12:04am xD)

But heyyyy,
TUMBLR ;D

ME
LUCY
NITTY

If Austin joined, YOU CAN TOO ;D

<33

I love.

So here's to another better year

I recently discovered TUMBLR and fell in love. Kristina and I have one nowz, and you all should make one too. It's like Twitter + scrap booking in a way. It's like the ultimate blogging. Just check ours out so you can see "for example".

Mine
Kris'

;D
It's super addicting.

On another note, today was okay, except my stomach was hurting all day and by the time school was over, the pain had spread up into my chest and shoulders. It was weird. Time for homework though <3

So go check out tumblr.

Oh, and we should text, yeah?
352.551.3606
(:
Srsly, I looooove text buddies.

<3

Well, I would walk 500 miles and I would walk 500 more

just to be the man
who walked a thousand miles
to fall down at your door.

Stay positive.
Things are fine.
You are fine.
It's not as bad as you think.
You're really only one small speck in the scheme of things.
Shake yourself awake and get real.
This is life and you can't change it.

I constantly have to tell myself this.

Random Facts:
- I feel annoying for posting more than one blog a day. Things should be more like tumblr.
- I have such high expectations for my future but I never work hard for them.


Oh, now I'm going to have a rant:

I'm really fucking sick of my mother constantly nagging on me when she walks into my room. She wears that stupid ass little sad grin and says in the stupidest voice, "When are we going to turn this around?" referring to the mess my room is. It's my room, you don't have to sleep in it, so leave me alone. Srsly. It's not like there's fucking spoiled food all over the floor. And there is plenty of floor to see. I just have some clothes by my dresser and a few bottles of Diet Coke and water and energy drinks, sooooo what?

Oh and what I hate the most is, "How much homework do you have?"
"How much homework is done?"
"Are you working on homework?"
"Is your homework going to take you much longer?"
"How long will it take you?"
"I can't wait up all night for you to finish your homework."

YOUDON'THAVETOWAITUP. I have a decent amount. None is done yet. No, I'm not working on it. Yes it will take me a bit longer since I have yet to start. I don't give a fuck how long it takes. And GO TO BED.

Is it apparent that I am super anti-school?
And clean rooms?

You know,
I guess I'm just lazy. I'm lazy. I hate the things in my life but I'm too fucking lazy to change them. That's just how it is. I get enough grief about it from my own boyfriend, so, dear Mom, please -- and I mean this with all the love and affection I can muster -- shutthefuckup.

>:|

This is the only thing to make my evening better:

I'm desperate to know how you are

I hope you're deep asleep.

Today was okay. It was decent. FCAT seemed hard to me and that made me panic because this stuff is supposed to come easily to me. I'm not supposed to skip 3 or 4 problems to go back to at the end. I'm supposed to be able to think about it for a little, then get an answer. I felt like I was guessing on so much and when everyone around me said they thought it was easy, I began to feel like an epic pile of crap.

It was wicked hot all day too xD but I couldn't take off my hoodie because I was wearing a Transformers shirt (:P) instead of a school one. Stupid teachers for wanting to take their stupid classes outside in the stupid Florida March weather. Even during the FCAT, though, I could feel my skin getting all itchy and clammy from sweat, my sleeves pulled up as high as they would go. I kept looking around (inconspicuously) and everyone else seemed to be fine. Nao, I'm in the living room and have every fan in the house on high :)

So I was skimming through a book today that I just got from the library. I'm going to return it because it's weird, but the style of writing made me want to write, so I think I'm going to do that right after this: just write until I can't any longer <3

Let's talk,


Random Facts:
- I am in love with Publix brand peach tea. I take it to school in coffee cups. So in the mornings, I'm never drinking coffee, it's secretly just peach tea from Publix ;D
- I am an insanely, irrationally jealous person.

Heregoesnothin

I took a nap :D !

I haven't taken a nap after school in awhile. It always recharges me and helps me to concentrate on school better. I was reading this book today in Spanish and the chapter I was on was called 'Too Drunk to Fuck' and it was written all big-like at the top of the page and I was scared Sra. Hubbard was going to walk by xD

Haaa, I'm actually in a really good mood right now, for no reason, really. I NEED TO GET MY PERMIT, DAWOPGMROGMEWOG. I'm so behind on that :p

I asked my mom last night if I could get a monroe and she said, after thought, "I'll think about it." and for my mother, that's about a 75% yes, and she's an awesome mom :p so I'M REALLY HOPING, YEW GUIZ.

:)

Lala. I don't have much to say today except that I currently miss two people.

I think some confessions are due:

- I'm actually starting to feel bad for disliking you so much.
- Strawberry Ice Cream.
- I get irritated easily when talking to you now for some reason
- I see you as abusive and it annoys me
- I love hanging out with you, even if it's only in school
- I never would have imagined we would have turned out so alike, but I love it because I feel we can relate in ways.
- For some reason, I trusted you immediately.
- You're neutral to me.
- I'm not going to comment on you this time because I don't know what to say anymore. I thought we were making progress but I feel like I just annoy you so I'm backing off. Talk to me when you're ready to.
- You're so pretty :D
- I wish I saw you more often.


<3

Talk to me, guys.

Bend me, Break me, Any way you need me.

I'm doing better. Yes, it's taking time, but... I think I'm getting there. Things seem easier at the moment and work isn't nearly as bad as it used to be. I only pray that I can stay here.

So come on get higher, loosen my lips.

I'm looking for something to do tomorrow after school because Colin is working until late. So if anyone wants to haaaang, holla at me ;D

I really, really want to go to a college that has a great creative writing program. I still don't know what I want to do in life career-wise, but I know that I have to write, I must write. I love it so much, sometimes I don't even realize how much I do it :) it just makes me so happy.

Oh, I realized something today. I realized it when I saw Grace outside at car line :p but it seems (to me at least) that all of us little Blogspot kids are like, connected in a way. It's like, yeah we pass each other in the halls, and yeah some of us talk, but it isn't until we're safe in our little world of spreading words and feelings like viruses that we get to know each other. We can speak not one word to each other during the day, not even look at each other, but once we see that new blog post, it's exciting :) maybe that's just me. But I saw Grace outside after school and I just noticed it. It's not like either of us communicated but I just got this feeling. I like it though. We all get to know the deeper meaning to one another.

Like I said though, maybe that's just me :)

By the way, Daniel, if you read this, your hugs are the best parts of the day most of the times. You are seriously my favorite hugger :D I'm not kidding <3 your hugs make me feel loved, important, and you really hug me back. I'm such a hugger too, aha, so I love your hugs and I just want you to know that :) they make my day.

I think I'm going to go write now <3 I love you all so very much :)

Leave some love back? ;D

Oh and by the way,


:D

Girl, you so fiiiine

Well I WAS proud of myself until like 5pm :/

I tried really hard and got through the toughest parts only to give in at the end. Just as yesterday, I am deeply disappointed in myself. I must, must keep the strength to do this. I just have to.

I'm not sure how my weekend is going to go. I got to spend the afternoon with Colin and he just left, but I don't know if I get to see him tomorrow, since he has to do this catering thing. So let's make some plans or something !

I'm not so sure what to write now because I'm freaking tired and my eyes are burning for some reason.

I love you guys, though.

OH ! I got my A Day to Remember CD today :D I love it <3

Goodnight
x

All the violent, sweet, perfect words that you said

I've decided that I love the fact that more and more people are swarming into this little pond of Blogspot. I used to be terrified of people; I was scared that they would look at me and be able to figure me out. As of right now, I am bursting with excitement. I can barely contain it behind my ribs and I am almost aching, trying to type out these thoughts as fast as I can, before they leave me.

I'm excited to share my mind with people, to pour out my soul to anyone who gives a damn. I don't want to be shy and keep things to myself. I'm ready to write what I want, to no longer be held back with the fear that I will scare people with my thoughts, my wishes, my everyday hopes.

Although, since I'm probably going to have more people following my jumbled rants, I would like to say something: I have a past. I have done things I am not proud of and I have lived through situations that permanently haunt my thoughts. I am not an optimistic thinker, unless I am trying to help other people. I am not a fan of myself and I can be rather cruel. I do not like to openly bash people so I rarely will name the subjects of my rants. I have a rather dark mind, so be prepared for shocking things.

:D

Now that that's over with... Writing is starting to come easier to me again. I was struggling for awhile and that always puts me in a funk. I hate feeling restricted from letting all of my words out. Sometimes, I think that I get so stressed out that I physically can't release it. I'm unable to unleash my pains. Since writing has been my comfort for years, I function better when I'm able to do it and become satisfied with the work. For example, last night's blog about the bruises. I loved that, I was happy with that. As for other recent works: eh, not so much. I'm just glad that it's getting better.

I feel like I'm repeating myself. I think I'm typing too fast. I got too excited by all the new people :P

Okay, so after I got out of the shower tonight, I had a thought. I'm craving misery, self-chaos, and maybe pain. I'm going to be honest, it crossed my mind to skip food altogether tomorrow. Then, I remembered how I always get sick if I don't eat breakfast. Seriously, I'm a breakfast nut; if I don't eat it, I get nauseaus and feel all lethargic. Next, I craved that. I wanted that discomfort. It's like ever since I discovered some bruises that I had yesterday, I've been wanting it. I think that's okay though. I've been doing really good for a long time, keeping my thoughts on happy things and I have actually been rather optimistic lately. I think we're allowed the occasional thought of a masochist here and there, right?

You spin my head right round, right round, when you go down, when you go down down.

Flo Rida makes me happy.

Just like last night, I would like to say that my homework is complete, but it is not. I haven't even started actually. I've been too busy trying to perfect my hair. That's another thing! I've been really wanting to branch out on my look lately. I want to put more color in my hair, I would kill for a monroe piercing, and I'm fascinated with the thought of stretching my ears. The second two, my mommy isn't too happy with xD oh well, I'm trying to convince her.

"I am locked deep within my mind in the way that I turn left and right, unsure of which way to go. So many branches, so many directions that I can start down, all different outcomes. I can choose to cling desperately to these old homemade films that replay behind my eyes over and over, over and over, over and over. I can continue to walk through every single day, step after laborous step, breath after laborous breath. I can twist my tongue in ways that form hate to fall from my breath, like tiny bombs ready for attack. But who would love me if I became blind and spineless? What human would reach out for something so unsteady when they themselves are on the tips of their toes and at the edge? I sure wouldn't trust me with myself."

Oh, and I kind of hate the fact that I am so certain about something that it makes me sick.

I miss you.



I love you all <3 leave comments

x

To Write Love on Her Arms

I feel disconnected today, as if I'm watching the world from the other side of a fuzzy TV screen. I discovered that I find much comfort in the TWLOHA blogs. I added them on myspace because I say I'm for the organization, but I never really did anything. I ignored all of the bulletins, like I do most companies or organizations that add me. However, last night I hit a low. I got stuck in a dark point that I haven't been in for a long time. It scared me to be so out of control again. Immediately, I was flooded with flashbacks of emotions and physical feelings. Once you remember these things, it's easy to want to go back. It seems so much easier to give in, like an iron hand is dragging you into the shadows. The day is hot but the shadow is a place for you to cool down and be comfortable. You find yourself in a struggle to embrace comfort or fight to be in warmth again, where you know you should be.

I saw that TWLOHA had posted a new blog asking people to answer two simple questions. The questions were:
1) What was your highlight of 2008?
2) What are your hopes for 2009?

I read through most of the responses already there and found that this place felt safe and it felt comfortable. I replied to a lot of the people who had posted and then put a post myself. I felt that by reading all of these people's thoughts, I felt less alone and less upset. I realized that TWLOHA truly wants the best for people. I'm not the only one who felt this either, several people said in their posts that they were thankful for TWLOHA. Some said that blog was the only place they felt safe. I realized it's the same for me. I was out of control and revisiting old habits. I immediately felt relief after I posted my reply to this blog and then continued to read through and comment on other answers.

I felt disconnected today, as if I was watching the world from the other side of a fuzzy TV screen. However, I feel connected at the same time, to the people who are in this great big hug of TWLOHA. I didn't feel alone today. I felt great comfort knowing that I wasn't the only one going through rough moments. It's no surprise after the past I've had either, I think I'm allowed to have a few slips. It's just so amazing to know that TWLOHA is there and the people involved are all willing to surrounding each other with love.

I'm sitting here, watching my brother, his friend, and my dad play a card game. They're extremely loud. My mother is behind me, on the couch, watching a soap opera. I can hear the mumbled voices of the people on the TV. However, I barely hear them, I'm barely here. I'm lost in thinking of the people out there who share my hopes, aspirations, fears, and problems. I feel a love for them and I feel a love from them, in the way that we are the same.

I suggest watching this. Jared Leto is my hero, his voice is beautiful and sends chills down my spine. His acoustic work is amazing.