Baby loves to dance in the dark

- Thank you for what you did on Sunday, it meant a lot to me.

- I wish I could push myself around that bend of being 'okay'. It's like I'm right on the edge and if I can just give it a littttle more effort, I'll be 'good'.

- The good thing is that it's almost June, and June means summer, and summer means <3

- I can't get rid of these headaches. They occur every single day, all throughout the day. All MRIs and CT scans were clear and my vision is fine, so... we're still trying to figure this one out. They get so bad though, that I just have to curl up in bed with absolutely no lights or sound and just try to sleep through them. In turn, I have no energy and am wasting almost the entire day. Great !

- I haven't thought about you in a long time, until last night. I wonder how you're doing. I think about the last time we saw each other. I can't help but feel angry at you... I don't think that's wrong though, because you weren't very... great the last time we were hanging out. I'm still sorry if I caused you problems though. I wish I could have believed you when you said we would be fixed now because...we obviously aren't. I don't think we've talked in two months. What did we do ?

- I spent all day yesterday cleaning the apartment for my mom, to surprise her. I know she's been stressed out and whenever my dad drops my brother off after school, he ends up lecturing her later about how the house isn't as clean as she promised it would be, or something like that. So I thought I'd take the liberty to clean it for her. After all, when my parents separated, I promised that I would help her here and I haven't been keeping that promise too well. I'll need to do more. It was hard work but definitely worth it to see the look on her face when she came home. I think I received about 20 hugs and 'thank yous' within an hour.

- I wish I had the energy to write and blog more, but the truth is being on the computer has been wearing me out and I don't have the desire to really talk to anyone... I miss you guys, though. I do.

I love you all <3

Your written words are explosives

I'm so glad we're so "fixed" now. Everything is so "back to normal". Isn't it great ? I don't know why we lied to ourselves. Why I lied to myself. I screwed up by asking for it, I guess. Still. I don't think you can blame me for being mad at you for the last time we saw each other. Since, you know, we talk sooo much now.

I'm failing so bad. I'm never going to get out of school. I keep getting withdrawn from my classes because I'm not doing enough. I wish I could just PAUSE everything until I was ready. I'm not okay yet. My parents divorcing, me moving, not seeing my dad much anymore, it's ridiculously hard on me. School isn't the first thing on my mind.

It makes me feel sick sometimes that you aren't here. I'd do anything. I see people together and I want to cry. You've done so much for me and I can't even give you a hug to thank you for it all. I hope soon we'll get what we want. I love you.

From your lips a precipice

Blah blah blah, nag nag nag. I'm really honestly so sick of putting my all out for people and getting nothing back. It's not even that I get nothing back, it's that I get taken advantage of as a reward. Uhm, thanks? You make me never want to do another thing for you ever again. Of course I will though, because I can't say no. I can never say no. I'm too freaking nice to everyone. Spend all of my energy on putting others before me. I used to do it because it felt nice, to make others happy. Then ohhhh, people get used to it, "Oh just ask Ally, she'll do it. She always does." Yeah, thank you for letting me be your doormat, it's what I've always wanted. You know you can keep coming back and taking what you want and I'll never say no.

I don't even remember the last time I heard a thank you from 90% of these people.

I'm stressing. I have to have my room completely packed up by this Saturday to move. My bed, my desk, my dressers, all of the furniture, my closet completely cleaned out. This sucks. Yeah, I'm excited to be moving, but the reason that we're moving makes me sad. To be honest, I'm happy that my parents are separating. Maybe 'happy' isn't the right word, but it's a big breath of relief. No more screaming and fighting constantly. I miss when home was a warm place to be, when it was a place I felt I could go to relax. Now I never want to be here. This isn't a home.

Hopefully things will change. I love them both to death. I think we'll all be better off with them splitting. I hope. I just fear for my dad's loneliness.

It's weird how on medication, it can feel impossible to cry from sadness. Happy tears come and go, but from emotions such as frustration or anger, it seems totally impossible. For months, I couldn't get it to happen. You know those times where you feel like you're on the verge of tears and you know that if you just have a good, big cry, you'll feel soooo much better? I had that for like a month, couldn't cry no matter how hard I tried. I read/looked at sad things, forced sad memories into my mind. NOTHING could get that cruel emotion out of me. Finally, this past weekend, it happened, in the quietest of ways. My biggest regret is that I wasn't alone, where I could totally let it out in that sobbing mess of a way I had hoped. Silent tears worked, I guess.

My mood has been crazy all day. It won't make up it's mind. I need to clean. I can't think. I don't want to be in this stupid town.

Goodnight.

She isn't nervous

Ten. There were ten pretzel sticks lying on the desk in front of her. She counted them again to make sure. Ten and a half if you counted the poor excuse of a pretzel at the end of the row. She frowned and ate that one first. It was stale, lacking the salt that the others had been bathed in. She looked at the remaining ten and immediately felt bad, having ended the existence of the one that was apart from the rest. So quick to glance at it with disgust and rid of it. How poor of her. All of the others tasted the same. They were rich and crisp, one after another. Boring.

She would light candles in the night and sit cross-legged in front of a mirror, staring emotionless at her reflection. In one pale hand, she’d hold the silver tube of blood-red lipstick, some unknown brand’s name splashed across the face in font she didn’t care about. In one slow but fluid motion, she set the wax to her lips and covered every inch of her frown with this screaming color. She didn’t stop, though. For three minutes straight, she continued to circle her mouth with the lipstick, unsure of her reason for doing so. She took note that her lips weren’t full enough, and decided to push the makeup up further. After ten seconds of staring in the mirror, she robotically reached for a tissue, for the line between lip and skin was comedically obvious. She wiped off most everything but left the tint of what had been. She knew it would be gone in the morning, but knowing that it was there now was somehow comforting.

I'm not entirely sure of the meaning of these. I got to go to Barnes&Noble today (whoo!) and I was so exited to be surrounding by all of the words, the colors, the emotions. I haven't felt so at peace in a while. I got this book called The Bird Room and just finished it about forty minutes ago. It was really good and the author had one of those fantastic ways with writing that you'll never forget. Sort of like Ellen Hopkins. Plus, it took place in the UK, so they included the words such as rubbish, bloke, and lad. For some reason, post-read, I immediately sat down at my computer and spit that ^ out.

I'm very happy and unhappy at the same time in life right now. I have a very amazing person in my life but I feel that I lost people in the process. I'm not happy about that, nothing seems to make me feel better about it. It's one of those times where you realize that you really need to be able to live for yourself, when it comes down to it. Rely on whom you want to rely on but in the end, you don't know how long they'll be there, no matter what you tell each other or yourselves.

The important part is, I'm being treated wonderfully and I'm being taken care of. I'm discovering a respect for myself that I had long lost. Thanks to you:
Thanks for everything, dear. I love you.

You never do what you're told

I'm having another one of those self-hate days, which hasn't happened in awhile. I spent an hour cleaning and blasting music as loud as I could to try to drown out my thoughts. I feel like I screwed up something and I'm really hoping I didn't.

I don't have much to say today. My parents splitting is taking a huge toll on me. I love that they're both open with me but I sometimes wish they didn't tell me the things that were going on. I hate it when my mother calls me and tells me I need to do something a certain way or my dad will have more fuel against her, or when my dad sits there and goes on and on about how my mother is a horrible parent, yadda yadda. Then they wonder why I spend the day in my room.

i miss you <3

Ne me quitte pas, mon cher

I tried to focus on my heart. I tried to make sure that I wouldn't hurt anyone. I pulled myself away from the one person I was hurting the most and it became a mess. I didn't do it to make them mad... I didn't do it to be vicious. I did it because I wasn't in the right state of mind and I knew I was going to end up regretting something. I didn't do it for me, I did it for them. Now, we barely talk. When we do, it's one-sided. I try to make conversation, try to keep optimistic. I don't think they even know what to say to me anymore. It's all jokes.

I'm sorry if you're mad at me. I wish you could understand why I did what I did. I tried to warn you beforehand that my life was going to change. I feel like instead of standing ground and supporting me, you got angry and blamed the medication. I'm sorry if you feel like I became something horrible. The way we are now, is not what I wanted. If something happened to you and that was that, I would be devastated that our relationship was the way it was. I'm sorry that I hurt you, it was never my intention. We might have argued a lot and I might have been upset about things you did but, this isn't how I wanted it to turn out.

There was one thing in life that I thought I wanted more than anything. One thing that I constantly prayed for, tried to make happen every single day. And now that it's starting to, I'm not sure how I feel about it. It wasn't what I thought it would be. I think I got so used to wishing for it that once it finally came to me, I didn't know what to do. I love it but I don't. I want more of it, but I want to push away from it.

I miss the presence of my best friend, knowing he was there. I miss seeing him every day and I wish I saw him more. Any frustration, I could just talk to him about between classes as we walked together. I hope you know, I'm still here for you 110%. I'll still do anything for you and I love you. Please don't get discouraged by the fact that I'm not there right now. You still mean just as much to me and I can't wait to see you again.

I know that I'm capable of incredible things. I know that I have the intelligence and the heart to do anything that I want to do. I just don't know if what I want to do is considered acceptable. But I should say, to hell with what they think. Maybe my dreams don't have to be of education and work and money and material things. Maybe they used to be, but now maybe they're of finding beautiful things, living to the fullest I possibly can, and doing what people are scared to do. I think what scares me the most is knowing that I have the mind to be incredibly successful. It's like, I KNOW that, but my heart is saying, "Go have fun. See the world. You can do anything you want to do, it's your own version of successful." I think I would be happier in a small house in the mountains, waking up to the joy of what God has blessed me with, walking in the fresh air and enjoying nature all day than in a huge house with nice cars, big televisions, and expensive furniture.

What I think is successful? Ending each day knowing that I did what I wanted to do. I took risks, I dove straight for the happiness of my heart, followed what my soul was telling me. It's like waking up in the morning and thinking, "I'd really love to go to Europe." and then pulling on your work clothes and trudging off into morning traffic. I want to get up, pack a suitcase, and just go.

Maybe that's going to be my biggest challenge in life. Knowing that I should probably get an education, go to college, and get a big fancy job. Knowing that but instead doing something else. Take the time each day to watch sun come up, throw paint on the floor and jump around in it just for the pure childish joy of it. Or sleep all day, be up all night dancing around to music, cooking strange food, and laughing.

I feel like I'm wasting my time right now. Each day, I get up and do nothing. I'm going to fix this though. I only have to follow what I believe is right for me. It doesn't matter what other people think, if this is what I want, I'm going for it. And it is.

We're all okay

I miss Allie more than I imagined I would. And I feel really horrible right now. More alone than I've felt in a long time. Thank you, for doing that to me.

I will see clearly and breathe in warmth. I will relax in knowing that whatever has happened thus far is all a part of a plan. To help me learn and grown, to break me down and build me into something better. It hurts, a lot, but it will be worth it in the end, when I know what I know and feel what I feel.

There can be nothing better than that.

In all the right places

How many times do we hold our breath? We close our eyes, we sleep, we depart. Our souls are free of restriction. We sing, we dance, the universe available in our hands. We kiss the sky, breathe in the warmth of knowing all is well, we're going in the right direction, and we're constantly surrounded with love.

Our bodies are heavy with fear, pain, loss, anger, but our hearts stand through it all, constantly keeping us connected no matter how distant we are.

I love you <3

Just say what you want to say

I'm mad at life. School sucks, missing school sucks, medications suck, therapy sucks, doctors suck.

I'm not myself, haven't been in a few months. I don't write anymore, don't read anymore, don't do anything I enjoy. I've lost myself in a medicated abyss and I've become anti-social, irritated, pissed off at the world.

I wish I could for once get a doctor that at least pretended to actually care about me.

Hold tight the night's air and breathe again

So school isn't that bad , so far. I just feel like I never see anyone ? Like at today's class meeting , it was the first time I saw about 80% of our class. Seriously , anyone else getting this ? I feel like I only ever see Nitty :P

I absolutely love my academy though , Health Sciences class is really interesting and probably my favorite class :D plus , the scrubs are so comfy.

So that anxiety thing... I finally went to the doctor for it and he recommended I get counseling. I have an appointment for that now , whoohoo. I got all my blood work done , too. Oh , I also had my first ever panic attack in school yesterday , that was fun.

>:(

I have to try so hard this year because I'm really close to being on the 'kick out' list of the school. I just want to erase the past two years so bad.

I still feel like people are weird right now. Oh well.

Nittywood and Grace's birthdays tomorrow ?! HOOOORAYYYY :D Lucky to have a birthday on FRIDAY. I think mine's on a Wednesday this year :P

<33333 I love you guys.

P.S. I miss you. Talk to me. Please.

Concepts of reality

I am so tired of people. I don't understand why everyone is changing. I miss hanging out with Arrie and Treva and Sheri and Nitty. I feel like they're the only people who know how it goes. Everyone else is like 'blah blah I was nice now I'm mean and I hate everyone'. Seriously ?

I don't know. I miss long , deep conversations with people. I miss feeling like people were normal and actually acted like they had hearts.

I try to care for every single human being. Whether they piss me off or I don't even know them. I try my hardest to care about them and love them. Why does it seem everyone is the opposite ? Hate everyone unless they like you or something. It's like everyone is just stuck in this little bubble of ignorance.

What's wrong with this place ? I swear. As soon as I can run...

We walk along the crowded streets

You know those moments where things feel great and everyday feels exciting or fresh ? Then out of nowhere you feel like everything and everyone is a stranger and you don't understand what happened to you , why you feel the way you do. I can barely form the words in my own mind , my feelings are unreadable. I guess the easiest way to sum it up is to say that I simply don't understand. I'm tired of the constant ups and downs. I feel this constant weight of stress on me throughout the entire day.

Oh and my anxiety is ruining my life , completely. It started out with small things , not wanting to go into crowded places or be home alone. Now I'm terrified of my own home (with my entire family in it) , getting into cars , falling asleep , stupid things like that. I feel sick constantly. My heart beats so fast and I get so shaky that sometimes I swear I'll throw up on the spot. I'm trying so hard to get it under control but it's hard. One of my favorite things in the world used to be going on long car rides with friends and just talking and listening to music. I can barely leave my front porch now and the thought of getting in a car and going somewhere makes me feel ill. Even hearing people TALK about going somewhere makes my heart race.

Now more than ever , I really want to just run away. Though that contradicts horribly with my anxiety. I would never be able to leave. I'm not excited for anything anymore. School , people , my future. I feel so tired and weak , like I can barely take a step toward anything good anyway. I'm wasting every single day with mindless nothings. I don't even write anymore , my mind keeps locking up and straying into blank visions.

I want to take a stand and change myself , make things the way that I want them to be. I just don't know if I have the motivation yet.

You never catch on

I need to change things. I keep telling myself that I will. I expect myself to wake up one day and just make it all better. I'm not getting anywhere , I'm stuck walking in complete circles. I'm slowly falling back into habits I had long forgotten. I already feel disgustingly overwhelmed at the thought of school starting in two weeks or so. I still need to read The Scarlet Letter and do whatever that stupid chart is. I still have to fix things and make it better for myself. Each day , my mind goes deeper into life contemplation and I'm never satisfied with the way that my thoughts turn. It's easy to act like everything's fine , but there's moments where I just want to scream and now is one.

I'm so sick of this , I want to throw up.

Hey hey hey

I'm feeling a bit better today. I went and worked out for a good forty minutes and then got Subway with my mom and brother and yeah , it's been good. My computer's in my dad's shop and has been since Friday because my video card went bad so he had to order a new one , I've been sneaking on the living room one when I get the chance :P

I really , really want to hang out with people ! I hope Arrie gets her license Thursday so we can haaaang and I want to hang out with Nitty as soon as possible.

I think I'm doing better , but I just don't know.

I feel like writing letters. I think you all should give me your address so I can write you a letter and we can go back and forth :D

YAY

<3 love you.

And I knew that you meant it

The past four days , I've felt so ugh. I have bad eye pain and headaches around my eyes and stuff. I'm dizzy , watching TV and being on the computer a lot makes me feel nauseous. My headaches last the entire day and are light sensitive. I'm barely hungry but stomach isn't holding anything down anyway :( and I'm all sweaty then cold and shakey and racing heart and I just don't feel good at all. I want to sleep until I feel better.

That is all.

For every 99 times you look me in the eye

I started out perfectly fine last night. I was happy , I had music blasting , I was doing surveys on Myspace , watching great shows on TV. Heck , I was even playing WoW. I couldn't have been any better. Things led to me trying to make someone feel better and feeling bad for them and before I knew it I was in the midst of one of the biggest breakdowns of my life thus far. Talk about pulling out hair , rocking back and forth , sweating , shaking madness. For two hours I paced my room , curled up in a ball , rolled around my bed , cried my eyes out , screamed into pillows , and ripped apart magazines and papers that may or may not have been important.

I try so hard to push things into the back of my mind , to keep up with this 'happy' because it's just so easy to make people believe that you're okay. "How are you ?" they ask , and it doesn't matter if you don't answer with a "Great !" or "Good". You can make do with an "I'm all right." and they won't press. It's just so much cleaner to leave it at that , no emotional mess to clean up or worry that you'll scare them away or accidentally let them get too close.

I try , believe me , I even convince myself at times that I'm perfectly fine , I am as happy and carefree as I seem. Sometimes I manage to forget that it's mainly an act. Then nights like last night happen and I realize that I'm so far from okay. I can't say "I'm all right." I don't reach that standard , not yet. Sure meltdowns can happen sometimes and it doesn't mean anything's wrong , but the thoughts that ran through my head and the things I had to do to keep myself calm are ridiculous and not in any means above the line of "okay".

There I was , stuck in this ramble of spitting out quiet complaints just as quickly as they popped into my mind. I wanted to scream as loud as I could , break things , but no , I had to be so quiet because it was four in the morning and fits are unacceptable at such a time. All of the fragile things in my room seemed to be begging me to lift them and throw them , shatter them. I had to go sit out in the living room so I wouldn't destroy anything , save the papers and magazines that I managed to get my hands on.

This morning I woke up and realized that things MUST change , they absolutely have to. It's not fair that I have forgotten about myself completely. I barely even take care of myself anymore. I feel I have to tiptoe around everyone as to not upset them. It can't be that anymore , it HAS to be about myself , it isn't fair that I'm constantly pushed aside or not taken seriously or just ignored. I can't deal with it anymore. And people seem to think that because I'm "happy" I don't have anything bothering me. Why does everyone assume that I'm just FINE , I'm grand , I'm doing amazing ?

You know , I'm just a really good liar apparently. So I guess I shouldn't blame anyone. I don't care how long ago something happened , how miniscule it was , who it involved , it doesn't matter , if I feel like I still need to focus on it and grieve over it , then I will. It isn't anyone else's job to say how I react to things and how long I take to accept them. The next time you wonder why I'm acting like a bitch or I'm not talking or something , take a minute to remember just exactly what I've been through.

I'm going to stop here because I'm getting mad and I'll just regret writing further. Goodnight.

And all at once we say goodnight

I don't understand why people are so quick to attack their so called friends. It doesn't even anger me , it just makes me sad. I just don't get why people can't leave each other alone and let the other people do what they want. Who cares if someone wants to dance all day or read all day or play video games all day or sleep all day ? What is the purpose in being so inconsiderate and mean :(

We got another kitten today , she's a dark grey/brown/black tabby that is 10 weeks old and we named her Chleo. She's super cuddly but she's had diarrhea all day :(

I'm sososo excited for the 2 hour finale of Harper's Island tonight ! AHHHHH. Austin and I are going to text each other the whole time and I can't wait.
<3

From the depths of all belonging

I really need to start standing up to you. My goodness.

I feel like I'm wasting my entire summer by doing nothing. I want to be with people and do things and have FUN. I can't believe it's already July :(

I had a chain of really bad dreams this morning and it brought back memories and pain, made my day emotional , though I believe I hid it very well from people.

Random fact , thanks to Allie , I am way addicted to Caramel Steamers from Starbucks and if you ever happened to randomly buy me one because you love me so much , I would be so , so forever grateful <3

My thoughts are too scrambled today :O I love you.

He said each day’s a gift and not a given right

I feel like I really need to break free and do my own thing for awhile. I'm being really hard on myself at the moment and I think I need to just stop everything and focus on really making myself happy. It's been months that I've constantly put myself down and blamed myself for things , let people control me and push my guard down. I've neglected myself for too long and it's not fair.

That's all I have to say today.

<3

Jeronimo !

I can't believe I actually started playing WoW :P nuts. So lately I've been outtawhackawhack ! Like , with sleep. I'm up until the sun comes up or a little later , I fall asleep , I either wake up at like 8 or 9 , or 4pm XP I don't mind it too much , but mama doesn't appreciate it , lawl.

My brother is like 10 times worse though ! He'll stay up until 7 , sleep until 5 , stay up until 6 , sleep until 4 , and believe me , he is IMPOSSIBLE to wake up.

:) so Nittywood was supposed to come over today but he didn't :( I reallllly want to hang out with people. I wish I had a car. Or a license. Or a permit xD

I'll work on that.

Charlie Sheen makes me lol.

You know what I love ? 7:20am voicemails <3 srsly , the mega shiz.

Ah man , I'm tired XP

Nothing else is really going on right now , just day after day of getting up late , being lazy , playing videogames , and that's about it :) but yes , let's make plans for something.

HOOLY ARE YOU UNGROUDED , YET ?! YOU BETTER BE.

<3