Just say what you want to say

I'm mad at life. School sucks, missing school sucks, medications suck, therapy sucks, doctors suck.

I'm not myself, haven't been in a few months. I don't write anymore, don't read anymore, don't do anything I enjoy. I've lost myself in a medicated abyss and I've become anti-social, irritated, pissed off at the world.

I wish I could for once get a doctor that at least pretended to actually care about me.

We walk along the crowded streets

You know those moments where things feel great and everyday feels exciting or fresh ? Then out of nowhere you feel like everything and everyone is a stranger and you don't understand what happened to you , why you feel the way you do. I can barely form the words in my own mind , my feelings are unreadable. I guess the easiest way to sum it up is to say that I simply don't understand. I'm tired of the constant ups and downs. I feel this constant weight of stress on me throughout the entire day.

Oh and my anxiety is ruining my life , completely. It started out with small things , not wanting to go into crowded places or be home alone. Now I'm terrified of my own home (with my entire family in it) , getting into cars , falling asleep , stupid things like that. I feel sick constantly. My heart beats so fast and I get so shaky that sometimes I swear I'll throw up on the spot. I'm trying so hard to get it under control but it's hard. One of my favorite things in the world used to be going on long car rides with friends and just talking and listening to music. I can barely leave my front porch now and the thought of getting in a car and going somewhere makes me feel ill. Even hearing people TALK about going somewhere makes my heart race.

Now more than ever , I really want to just run away. Though that contradicts horribly with my anxiety. I would never be able to leave. I'm not excited for anything anymore. School , people , my future. I feel so tired and weak , like I can barely take a step toward anything good anyway. I'm wasting every single day with mindless nothings. I don't even write anymore , my mind keeps locking up and straying into blank visions.

I want to take a stand and change myself , make things the way that I want them to be. I just don't know if I have the motivation yet.

You never catch on

I need to change things. I keep telling myself that I will. I expect myself to wake up one day and just make it all better. I'm not getting anywhere , I'm stuck walking in complete circles. I'm slowly falling back into habits I had long forgotten. I already feel disgustingly overwhelmed at the thought of school starting in two weeks or so. I still need to read The Scarlet Letter and do whatever that stupid chart is. I still have to fix things and make it better for myself. Each day , my mind goes deeper into life contemplation and I'm never satisfied with the way that my thoughts turn. It's easy to act like everything's fine , but there's moments where I just want to scream and now is one.

I'm so sick of this , I want to throw up.

You'll never see me again

I'm frustrated. I feel like so many of my friends are changing and acting weird in the most annoying ways possible. Everyone's changing everyone else and I feel like I'm sitting here , having no clue what has gotten into people.

There has never been a moment in my life where I wished for a rewind button so much. I know everything happens for a reason and people are in each others lives for reasons , but I hate it SO much. I just wish I could go back , take these people , and shake sense into them , not let them do this.

And they think their change is fine because they think they're fine but really , they're annoying and disgusting and just being stupid. They think they're the cream of the crop , but they don't understand how other people view them. But you know , they don't even care. They lost all care for how people view them.

Yeah that's fine. Go ahead.

What is wrong with everyone ?




I miss Arrie.

You.

I know you'll see this and you'll probably roll your eyes or laugh at it. But I need you to actually listen to me. I refuse to believe that you really mean everything you say to me lately. You're not yourself, you're different, I don't care what you say. Maybe you haven't changed with everything, but you have certainly changed with me and I want to know WHY. I want to know why you randomly shut me out, gave me a bs reason for it, said you'd fix things, and still have yet to make me feel any better about any of it. Everytime we talk, all you do is laugh with those stupid 'lols' every five seconds, it's like our conversations simply amuse you. You have to know somewhere in that mind of yours that what you're doing isn't fair at all. You act so different towards me, I can't stand it. And no matter how much I tell myself that there's nothing I can do about it, I can't help but feel frustrated.

It's not fair that you leave me with no real answer and saying that I just needed to be independent is bull and you and I both know it. I want a real conversation with you. Do you have any idea how sad it makes me that when I feel like breaking down, my first thought to go to is you, and then I stop myself because you're so different, I don't even want to tell you my problems anymore? Your advice is different. Your thoughts are different. I don't understand who you're trying to act like this for or why you are doing it.

So, as much as you lol at me and ignore me, I believe that in some small, unaffected part of your brain, you realize that what you're doing to me is wrong and that you need to FIX it. I'm not sitting here complaining that you aren't here for me for every little reason. It just really SUCKS to me that I feel I can't even be myself around you anymore. I don't care what you're going through or what I am going through, you PROMISED me that we would always have each others backs and right now, you don't. When you avoided me, I continued to give you support that you didn't really need apparently. Even when I'm at my lowest and you haven't talked to me in weeks, I text you and give you encouragement or try to help you in someway.

You're not giving me anything back and I'm really, really sick of it. I'm tired of saying that I'm simply sad over it because it's at the point now where I feel you're being really selfish. You can obviously make room for some people in your life, damn it, make room for me. Me, of all the people that you choose to shut out. Knock some sense into yourself.

Let me hear you screaming just for me

I want answers, is that really so horrible? I'm tired of constantly questioning and begging to hear words instead of silent waves of emotion and urges that I can't control.

Whose dreams are these that flood my mind, because they surely don't belong to me. I've had a taste but my soul yearns for the entire meal, handed to me on a plate of certainty with a smile that says yes, everything will in fact be just fine. I no longer belong to myself and all I hear are strange voices constantly caressing my thoughts, forcing my lips open in a dance of this language I have never once heard from a body so young. The amount of times you have seen the sun set should not amount to your ability to embrace love and feelings, to harness belief into your own hands and bring a garden through the cement.

I'm tired and my throat hurts :/