Ne me quitte pas, mon cher

I tried to focus on my heart. I tried to make sure that I wouldn't hurt anyone. I pulled myself away from the one person I was hurting the most and it became a mess. I didn't do it to make them mad... I didn't do it to be vicious. I did it because I wasn't in the right state of mind and I knew I was going to end up regretting something. I didn't do it for me, I did it for them. Now, we barely talk. When we do, it's one-sided. I try to make conversation, try to keep optimistic. I don't think they even know what to say to me anymore. It's all jokes.

I'm sorry if you're mad at me. I wish you could understand why I did what I did. I tried to warn you beforehand that my life was going to change. I feel like instead of standing ground and supporting me, you got angry and blamed the medication. I'm sorry if you feel like I became something horrible. The way we are now, is not what I wanted. If something happened to you and that was that, I would be devastated that our relationship was the way it was. I'm sorry that I hurt you, it was never my intention. We might have argued a lot and I might have been upset about things you did but, this isn't how I wanted it to turn out.

There was one thing in life that I thought I wanted more than anything. One thing that I constantly prayed for, tried to make happen every single day. And now that it's starting to, I'm not sure how I feel about it. It wasn't what I thought it would be. I think I got so used to wishing for it that once it finally came to me, I didn't know what to do. I love it but I don't. I want more of it, but I want to push away from it.

I miss the presence of my best friend, knowing he was there. I miss seeing him every day and I wish I saw him more. Any frustration, I could just talk to him about between classes as we walked together. I hope you know, I'm still here for you 110%. I'll still do anything for you and I love you. Please don't get discouraged by the fact that I'm not there right now. You still mean just as much to me and I can't wait to see you again.

I know that I'm capable of incredible things. I know that I have the intelligence and the heart to do anything that I want to do. I just don't know if what I want to do is considered acceptable. But I should say, to hell with what they think. Maybe my dreams don't have to be of education and work and money and material things. Maybe they used to be, but now maybe they're of finding beautiful things, living to the fullest I possibly can, and doing what people are scared to do. I think what scares me the most is knowing that I have the mind to be incredibly successful. It's like, I KNOW that, but my heart is saying, "Go have fun. See the world. You can do anything you want to do, it's your own version of successful." I think I would be happier in a small house in the mountains, waking up to the joy of what God has blessed me with, walking in the fresh air and enjoying nature all day than in a huge house with nice cars, big televisions, and expensive furniture.

What I think is successful? Ending each day knowing that I did what I wanted to do. I took risks, I dove straight for the happiness of my heart, followed what my soul was telling me. It's like waking up in the morning and thinking, "I'd really love to go to Europe." and then pulling on your work clothes and trudging off into morning traffic. I want to get up, pack a suitcase, and just go.

Maybe that's going to be my biggest challenge in life. Knowing that I should probably get an education, go to college, and get a big fancy job. Knowing that but instead doing something else. Take the time each day to watch sun come up, throw paint on the floor and jump around in it just for the pure childish joy of it. Or sleep all day, be up all night dancing around to music, cooking strange food, and laughing.

I feel like I'm wasting my time right now. Each day, I get up and do nothing. I'm going to fix this though. I only have to follow what I believe is right for me. It doesn't matter what other people think, if this is what I want, I'm going for it. And it is.

Concepts of reality

I am so tired of people. I don't understand why everyone is changing. I miss hanging out with Arrie and Treva and Sheri and Nitty. I feel like they're the only people who know how it goes. Everyone else is like 'blah blah I was nice now I'm mean and I hate everyone'. Seriously ?

I don't know. I miss long , deep conversations with people. I miss feeling like people were normal and actually acted like they had hearts.

I try to care for every single human being. Whether they piss me off or I don't even know them. I try my hardest to care about them and love them. Why does it seem everyone is the opposite ? Hate everyone unless they like you or something. It's like everyone is just stuck in this little bubble of ignorance.

What's wrong with this place ? I swear. As soon as I can run...

I tried so hard and got so far

but in the end , it doesn't even matter. I had to fall , to lose it all , but in the end , it doesn't even matter.

( You should listen to this while reading because I listened to it while typing )

Why do I seem to have such a hard time accepting that things are just the way they are ? There can be absolutely no going back , no sense in wishing things had played out differently. People say that there is always time to fix things , it's never too late , but sometimes it just doesn't happen that way. You work and work and work and try as hard as you can to push things back into place and though the pieces may cooperate for a moment , you soon find it won't fit together the way it used to. It's not the same , everything has shifted and you will never again have this perfect little picture that you knew.

It's not fair that certain events just ripple through everything and create such unsettling results. Relationships that once meant the world to you and seemed so strong , crumble , just like that , with no warning. Sometimes I feel like I'm the only one who cares , like I'm the only one who isn't making excuses , like I'm the only one who really remembers.

I feel sick , watching everything around me. I will never understand how people seem to just forget things , or how they are able to at least put up that act. I remember everything , but people seem so confused when I bring things up from the past. It's like , how could you forget ? How can I say something in reference of it to you , and you just reply with "What?" How on Earth do you FORGET or even ACT like it ?

I hate feeling like everybody just moves and I'm standing here with my arms up , like what the heck is going on ? I HATE feeling like I'm fighting so hard for nothing. Why should I try then ? Because I believed the promises ? Because I don't want to forget ? Because I'm stupid ?

I don't even know anymore and I'm tired of that stupid feeling. I wish I could just understand what people wanted.

Tell me , what do you want from me ? Really.

This is about so many things. I feel so tense with emotions , I'm so about to just explode and I can't tell if it will be in anger or sadness. I think people expect too much from me.

I hate how you act so oblivious or like I'm stupid. How you tell me to quit being dumb because that's not how you taught me. You really don't realize how much that bothers me , do you ? You want to know what you've taught me ? Really ?

Can't anybody see how HARD I'm trying ?! It would be so easy to just lie in bed all day and do absolutely nothing. NOTHING. It would be easy to forget about everybody and everything and just sleep forever. But I don't because I want things to WORK , I want people to go back to how they were , I want everything to just be GOOD.

You tell me I need to forget , I need to get over it , I need to not think about it , I need to accept it , I need to use it for my advantage. I NEED YOU TO SHUT UP. Nobody knows , nobody understands , and I don't want anyone to. But the jokes , the talk , when I'm sitting RIGHT THERE. You could at least be careful with what you say.

Half of the people tell me I'm so strong for what I've been through , that they wouldn't have been able to do it if they had been in my shoes. Then when I have any sort of breakdown , I just get from people that it's in the past and I need to not think about it. Not think about it. Sure. I'll get right on that.

My past up to this point HAS made me incredibly strong and will continue to. When I'm ready. Not when you think I'm ready , not when you're sick of hearing it. When I'm ready.

I'd like to add that I'm sorry when I act immature , stubborn , or bitchy. I don't mean to bother you.

fuckimissher.

Bend me, Break me, Any way you need me.

I'm doing better. Yes, it's taking time, but... I think I'm getting there. Things seem easier at the moment and work isn't nearly as bad as it used to be. I only pray that I can stay here.

So come on get higher, loosen my lips.

I'm looking for something to do tomorrow after school because Colin is working until late. So if anyone wants to haaaang, holla at me ;D

I really, really want to go to a college that has a great creative writing program. I still don't know what I want to do in life career-wise, but I know that I have to write, I must write. I love it so much, sometimes I don't even realize how much I do it :) it just makes me so happy.

Oh, I realized something today. I realized it when I saw Grace outside at car line :p but it seems (to me at least) that all of us little Blogspot kids are like, connected in a way. It's like, yeah we pass each other in the halls, and yeah some of us talk, but it isn't until we're safe in our little world of spreading words and feelings like viruses that we get to know each other. We can speak not one word to each other during the day, not even look at each other, but once we see that new blog post, it's exciting :) maybe that's just me. But I saw Grace outside after school and I just noticed it. It's not like either of us communicated but I just got this feeling. I like it though. We all get to know the deeper meaning to one another.

Like I said though, maybe that's just me :)

By the way, Daniel, if you read this, your hugs are the best parts of the day most of the times. You are seriously my favorite hugger :D I'm not kidding <3 your hugs make me feel loved, important, and you really hug me back. I'm such a hugger too, aha, so I love your hugs and I just want you to know that :) they make my day.

I think I'm going to go write now <3 I love you all so very much :)

Leave some love back? ;D

Oh and by the way,


:D

Blast-off in 3, 2...

So I've had a big case of yummy bronchitis and fever since Monday. I guess I'm finally going back to school tomorrow, yay. It's okay though, because I miss SharClar.

That stupid goal I've been working towards went down the drain since I've been sick, so I should probably focus more on that this weekend and stuff. I would really love to be able to just put all my strength and motivation into something and stick with it. Funny thing is, that works for almost anything besides school, which is where I need it most. Whoop de doo.

I'm confused about some people in my life and where I stand between all of them: how I see them and how they see me.

I'm at a point where I don't really recognize who I am, either. I'm in such a change.

I got news a few days ago that really crushed me, which makes me feel insane because it's what most people would jump for joy for. My life is about to take even more transformation and I'm not so sure I'm ready for it. I guess I don't have a choice though. I think I'm disappointed because it was all this build up for one thing, all of this self-preperation for a new lifestlye only to be told, "Just kidding."

Gee. Thanks.

I don't have much more to say except that I miss you and I'm glad I talked to you today. You make me smile. And yes, this is one of those times I told you about.

Goodnight <3

I belong in a horror movie

I am hallucinating.

I remember a story my dad told me once. He was my age and he was watching TV with his sister or something when he glanced out the window and saw, hanging down from the roof, a witch's hand. Just like one straight out of The Wizard of Oz. He looked away and looked back to see that it was still there. He didn't panic though, because he knew it wasn't real. He went and told his mom and she looked out the window and didn't see anything and they knew he was having a hallucination.

I am hallucinating.

I've been home since around 9:30ish and my mind has been playing tricks on me the entire time. It got so bad, I backed myself into a corner of a room and stared wide-eyed, observing every corner of the house that I could get my eyes on.

To me, that beats any other fear. You know, if you're sitting in your house and someone breaks in, that's scary. But if you're sitting in your house and every time you turn your head, you swear you see the outline of a figure, or you hear faint noises, and you KNOW they aren't there? That's scarier. The mind is terrifying, it's conniving. It's amazing.

I think I want to study psychology.

I have to pee.

I feel fat because I've been eating a lot since I got home :(

<333

Every 'noise' makes me jump.

Thought of the Day:
You don't even care, do you?

So wrong, so right

I'm disappointed in myself. I'm not strong, I only pretend to be, or try to be. When it comes to certain things, I just melt before them, I'm weak to them. I need to try better tomorrow because I ruined my chances today.

I have aches today and I feel like my reading Fight Club is influencing my life a bit right now. I worry that people won't really like me if I were to be 100% honest with who I am. One thing that I do know is I think people should let other people do what they want and not try to stop them unless it's SERIOUS. You're not always going to agree with or like what people do, but if that's the way they live, let them live it. Sure, you might be against it or not understand it but *shrug* sometimes there's nothing you can do about it.


"Somebody turn the lights on, somebody tell me what's wrong. I'd be lying if I told you losing you was something I could handle."


Short blog right now, most likely. I'm in an extremely good mood but I'm also not feeling very sane at the moment.

Did I mention I'm disappointed in myself?

<3

Oh I'm begging you, please

I don't enjoy being forced to question everything about myself. I swear, I keep thinking that I'm satisfied with who I am, or at least am getting there, and then something happens that makes me feel stupid or faulted. I don't like feeling that way. I'm not sure where to turn right now. I feel conflicted, confused, and hurt. The hardest thing is even though I feel like I'm being pushed and pulled emotionally, I feel an overwhelming desire to be honest. To come clean.

I don't think I ever can.

Maybe some things are better kept secrets, no matter how much your blood boils or you lose sleep over it. I feel like I need to be cleansed, rid of the guilt. It's not like it was extreme, but still. I wish I could just be honest and say it. At the same time though, why do I want to? This is something that I've kept to myself for a long time, why now do I feel so guilty?

I don't feel guilty at the same time though. I'm not ashamed of what happened, nor do I feel sin for it. I just feel guilty for not being open with it. I can't be though.

I HATE FEELING SO TORN D:<

"So a pain grows inside and a fear comes alive like you'll never be free"

Safetysuit is one of the only things keeping me sane at the moment.

I hate not knowing what to do. I'm starting to feel like a bad person :/ I think I just need God right now.

I wish I felt that familiar safety and comfort that I used to feel. I'm starting to feel weak now, torn down from so many different things.

I don't know what I want.