Oh I'm begging you, please

I don't enjoy being forced to question everything about myself. I swear, I keep thinking that I'm satisfied with who I am, or at least am getting there, and then something happens that makes me feel stupid or faulted. I don't like feeling that way. I'm not sure where to turn right now. I feel conflicted, confused, and hurt. The hardest thing is even though I feel like I'm being pushed and pulled emotionally, I feel an overwhelming desire to be honest. To come clean.

I don't think I ever can.

Maybe some things are better kept secrets, no matter how much your blood boils or you lose sleep over it. I feel like I need to be cleansed, rid of the guilt. It's not like it was extreme, but still. I wish I could just be honest and say it. At the same time though, why do I want to? This is something that I've kept to myself for a long time, why now do I feel so guilty?

I don't feel guilty at the same time though. I'm not ashamed of what happened, nor do I feel sin for it. I just feel guilty for not being open with it. I can't be though.

I HATE FEELING SO TORN D:<

"So a pain grows inside and a fear comes alive like you'll never be free"

Safetysuit is one of the only things keeping me sane at the moment.

I hate not knowing what to do. I'm starting to feel like a bad person :/ I think I just need God right now.

I wish I felt that familiar safety and comfort that I used to feel. I'm starting to feel weak now, torn down from so many different things.

I don't know what I want.

You hold me down

I hate how you make me second guess every aspect of my life.
I hate missing you.
I hate feeling like you aren't here.
I hate that I make myself look back and it hurts me.
I hate how I can't get you out of my mind.
I hate how you make me feel like a horrible person.
I hate how I still feel like nothing without you.
I hate feeling like you have no idea how I'm holding up.
I hate the gut feeling that things will never be the same.
I hate how I can still be miserable over you.
I hate how you make me feel.
I hate that you aren't here.
I hate how you confuse me.
I hate how I can't talk to you about any of this.

I don't know what to do about any of it. If I had any doubts whatsoever before, they're gone now, and that makes me feel sick.

You made me cry today.

Actually, I don't know if it was really you. Maybe the memories, maybe it was my fault for looking back.

I miss you.

I see you smile in the stars

Oh, I'm quite the mess but I confess
This is ruining my day
I stop to think, over think
Analyze every single way
That you'd be here, here with me
And I'd be holding you so tight
And we'd sit, on the lawn
Watching stars as they fly by
Make a wish, kiss the sky
Your heartbeat, for mine
With our souls intertwined
I'd want to lather you in love
Smother you with light
But I look, simply watch
As my angel takes to flight

<3 :/ ?

If I'd only thought of something charming to say

Today, I'm taking a different approach. Instead of writing a ton of things, I'm going to use pictures/graphics to describe how I feel. We'll see how it goes :)





















Meh, went all right xD I love you guiz <3 God Bless