This town will be the downfall of us all.

I almost drove myself insane today. I was in Kubik's class and he was reading us a really good story, but my mind kept wandering onto deeper things. When I say deeper things, I mean things like existence, eternity, and my human mind not being able to fathom the thought of it all. Seriously, I got swept up in thinking these horribly frustrating questions.

"Why are we here?"
"How did God always exist?"
"Who ARE we?"
"What is existence?"
"Why isn't there just nothing?"
"What is any of it?"

Seriously, thinking about it drove me crazy. Kubik's voice was waving in and out of my ears and my heart kept giving out random hard beats. It took me around fifteen minutes to finally get my thoughts directed toward the story that he was reading. It's just so irritating that our minds weren't created to understand. AGH.

My grandpa's in the hospital still. He was scheduled to go in yesterday morning for some back surgery. I heard the surgery went well and they were getting ready to discharge him when I guess his heart rate slowed down drastically. Apparently he had a heart block of some sort? I don't understand it completely, but they needed to keep him and he needs more surgery now, to put a pacemaker in. I just hope it all goes well. My dad has him on speaker phone right now and he sounds horrible; he's all drugged up and his voice is scratchy. Pray for him, please.

I went up another size in my gauges today. I wish I could be more open about it, but I'm scared to put my hair up or anything because my parents won't let me have them xD as far as they know, I'm still a size 14, not an 8. Oh well. I still can't get it in my right ear, so I look kind of weird with only my left ear gauged :p I'll work on it, but my right ear is never cooperative with going up sizes.

I got the new AP Magazine today :) I'm excited that A Day to Remember has their new CD coming out February 3rd! That's Tuesday, whoo :D I'm happy for that. I haven't done any homework yet and I know I have quite a bit. I wish I cared more about school. I know that I should, but I have such a hard time with motivation. The only classes I can stand are English II, Business, and Art II. I completely fail at history, I absolutely despise it. I promised myself that I would work really hard this semester, yet here I am again.

Also, I'm really tired of people acting like they know things about me when they have no idea. Especially them suggesting who I can or cannot be friends with? Please. I think someone is pushing their way into places they don't belong. Honestly, who do they think they are? I guess it doesn't matter though, I'm ignoring it. I'm not going to take it seriously. I just wish they would stop acting like they have rule over everything.

Have you ever slightly scared yourself but felt completely fine and confident at the same time? That happened to me today. Ah, just when I think I'm starting to understand who I am... I guess I really have no idea. I'm changing in my thoughts and emotions every single day, it seems, and once I think I'm feeling comfortable, something new arises and I'm left speechless and unsure of what to do next. I'm kind of getting sick of it though. I want to learn who I am and stay that way, although I don't believe that's ever possible, for anyone. We're constantly going to change. I just wish I didn't change so sporadically.

Oh, I really hope there's something great for me down the line.

I had a dream a few nights ago that I can't get out of my head, but I'm not going to share it. I'm just going to say that instead of making me sad, like it should have, it filled me with happiness. I think my mind is unfair to me. I think it enjoys my confusion. I think I'm way too complicated for myself right now.

The only things I'm certain about:
- I am in love.
- I am missing people.
- I am stuck in the past.
- I am ridiculously stubborn.
- I am so unsure about everything.

"You won't find me in the same spot, believe me.
I could never stop.
My life's turned upside down.
Meet me out past the train tracks.
I'm leaving and not coming back.
You're right and I was wrong.
This town will be the downfall of us all."

I want to expand my creativity. I wish I was better at art. Or at least took really cool photos.



Goodbye for now
x

Taste the rainbow

I'm pretty tired of being sick. Sore throats get old fast fast fast. Today was another boring day, except Brandon just had to be home sick too. That's just annoying :/

Still, I miraculously had time to think between him begging me to make him food, and me swallowing to Chloroseptic (sp?). I feel refreshed after last night. Something just made me feel better and I was more optimistic and determined to fix things.

I'm not going to lose touch with you either :) so don't even try, k?

I'm pretty sure that I'm going back to school tomorrow and maybe hanging out with Colin? Cooool. I really want to do something fun this weekend though. I miss hanging out with people.

Tomorrow will be a good day, I say so.

By the way, in case anyone cares, I have faith in myself now.

I abuse

things way too much. I'm sick, really sick, and I hate it. I don't like not being able to talk without searing pain in my throat. I don't like seeing through foggy eyes and burning up with fever. I don't know if I'm so hungry that my stomach hurts, or if I will puke. So, being home all day was annoying enough feeling like that, let alone my brother was sick too so he was just playing on xbox live, holy crap does that get old.

Being home all day is great because of no school or drama or need to be social. The negative part is having way too much time on your own to think, think...think. That's all you can do. Sure, you can watch TV or read, but at one point or another, your mind is bound to wander into shady areas that you don't wish to think about. I could feel so many feelings resurface and...

I'm sorry. You know who you are, and I need to apologize. Half of me doesn't want to, but the other knows I have to. I love you and I'm sorry.

I made bad choices today and unfortunately it's probably written all over me if I can't hide the guilt.

I need to write, to vent, to get out everything I'm bottling up oh so tightly inside... goodnight <3

Oh and you have made me so miserable.

x

You have no idea.

Today was slightly lame because I was sick and didn't wake up until around noon. I think I missed a science test too. Lame. Tomorrow is the fall fest, yay? I'm not sure, it was pretty boring last year if I remember correctly. So, since I was home alone all day, I had a lot of time to think and I realized that I'm trying really hard and I think I'm pushing myself too far, I'm expecting too much from myself. In reality, I need to slow down, calm down, and take time to think things out. It's not fair the way that I'm treating myself right now and how I'm constantly in stress, whether I show it or not. I have to remember what my therapist (yes, I saw a therapist, k) told me last year, "It's time for you to put aside making other people happy right now... YOU can't be any help to them if you don't have faith in the decisions your making. Put yourself first. Tell them you need time and if they care about you, they'll understand. You need help, and that comes first in these cases."

Right now, I need to go with that advice. I have too many conflicts going on in my mind right now and I'm not able to put all my heart into taking one step before another. So I guess I need to take things slow and make sure I'm doing the right things. I vow to stop sulking over the people who are tearing me apart right now.

I love you. I love you a lot. I want you to know that no matter what people tell you, it doesn't compare to how I see you and that should mean something to you. You're a wonderful person and an AMAZING best friend of mine. Try to think of good times and pray, like I told you to do last night. I swear it will help.

I miss you. I shouldn't, but I do. I don't know, should I? I'm praying about it. I'm not sure whether I should pursue you or just let for the cards to fall where they will. Either way, you're one of the things holding me back. I love you though.

I want us to become a lot closer again, like we did last year. You truly are an incredible, irreplacable person and you make me smile every single day. Plus, you and I come up with the best jokes and you're honestly someone that would kill me to lose.

Thanks to you, I'm continuing to put my faith into God more and more and I already am feeling better about myself how I live everyday. I noticed my attitude has been more positive and I've been smiling a lot more, on the inside too. I still can't thank you enough, although we both know it was no coincidence.

I think you're being overdramatic and I feel bad for you. I've already felt a wall break down. You were someone holding me back, but I've decided it's okay for me to just keep going how I am and I'll be okay. I've gone through too much pain for you to make me feel bad now. I love you, though.

GOD BLESS x