Forgive me

I think I let myself down a little today. I'm sorry. To myself. It would be so, so easy to take this road again, spiral down, down, down into the darkness. There's no light, no worries, and no one to bother you because you lost your care on the second stumble.

I can't go back there. I've surrounded myself with loving people, God, and good things. I can't leave it all behind just so I can be selfish and turn around again.

I have to keep going, one step after another. I need to keep my focus and make short-term goals so they don't seem so unreachable.

I know I'm smart. I am so, so smart. I just can't seem to put that intelligence into education. School still has no affect on me. I will argue with you until the end of the world about school. I could be getting A's, I could have a perfect GPA, I could be in all honors and on my way to as much AP as possible. I could be a star student, one all the teachers like to go gaga over. I could be number one in all of my classes. I could be. Instead, I don't do the homework, I half-ass tests, I never study, I don't pay any attention whatsoever, and I shrug it all off.

I hate that people then mistake me for not being smart. I hate when people try to explain things to me because they think I don't know them. I didn't know what the US Patriot Act was until Kubik told me personally. I just don't recall learning it, I was probably asleep. This doesn't make me stupid though. I have the ability, I just don't use it. I don't put forth the effort to be book smart. I concentrate more on people, psychology, relationships, life. I can't focus on education. I'm like anti-education and work. Why? I couldn't answer this question for a million dollars.

It's something that really bothers me though because I look at my closest friends and they're complaining because they have a low A. I look down at my report card and I'm barely passing the class. This kills me because I KNOW I could have a high A. I could be the one that the teacher says, "Excellent job!" to. Nope. Instead I sit there and sigh over my 33F progress report.

But I'm not stupid. I'm an old soul, I have high intelligence, and I'm so much more mature than the majority of people surrounding me. Hopefully, I'll be able to use the smart ability for something great in the future because for now I'm hurting.

God Bless <3

I feel like a failure

I hate the feeling that I've let you down. Please forgive me. Maybe I'm not trying hard enough... I know I'm not. Why am I lying to myself so much? Why am I resorting back to old thoughts and ways. I feel like giving up, I really do. I tried really hard for awhile and it's getting me NOWHERE. I can't concetrate and I'm screwing myself up. Yes, this post will likely be full of self pity and I don't care. People are pissing me off so easily now and I don't want to be around them at all. Getting out of bed each morning is becoming more of a chore, like it used to be. I feel like my reasons for living have either left me, or are losing faith in me. I guess I really need God's help to heal past wounds and lead me down the right path because as of right now I kinda want to smoke my life up.

I'm beyond sorry. I never want to fight with you again. The feeling I was left with made me feel so sick, knowing you were upset. I love you.

Yeah, I'm kind of giving up on you. I gave you several chances to change your mind. I have more important people to care for now. Have fun with your 'friends'

I'm so incredibly happy that we are able to push our past aside and get along so well. It's great to know you're always there and you make my days burst with sunshine!

I still miss you. A lot. Where ARE you? Please try to contact me? I feel too pushy when it's me trying.

I love you and I miss you everyday, angel.


On the plus side, Obama won, yay yay yay! Goodnight, comment, whatever <3

I abuse

things way too much. I'm sick, really sick, and I hate it. I don't like not being able to talk without searing pain in my throat. I don't like seeing through foggy eyes and burning up with fever. I don't know if I'm so hungry that my stomach hurts, or if I will puke. So, being home all day was annoying enough feeling like that, let alone my brother was sick too so he was just playing on xbox live, holy crap does that get old.

Being home all day is great because of no school or drama or need to be social. The negative part is having way too much time on your own to think, think...think. That's all you can do. Sure, you can watch TV or read, but at one point or another, your mind is bound to wander into shady areas that you don't wish to think about. I could feel so many feelings resurface and...

I'm sorry. You know who you are, and I need to apologize. Half of me doesn't want to, but the other knows I have to. I love you and I'm sorry.

I made bad choices today and unfortunately it's probably written all over me if I can't hide the guilt.

I need to write, to vent, to get out everything I'm bottling up oh so tightly inside... goodnight <3

Oh and you have made me so miserable.

x