From your lips a precipice

Blah blah blah, nag nag nag. I'm really honestly so sick of putting my all out for people and getting nothing back. It's not even that I get nothing back, it's that I get taken advantage of as a reward. Uhm, thanks? You make me never want to do another thing for you ever again. Of course I will though, because I can't say no. I can never say no. I'm too freaking nice to everyone. Spend all of my energy on putting others before me. I used to do it because it felt nice, to make others happy. Then ohhhh, people get used to it, "Oh just ask Ally, she'll do it. She always does." Yeah, thank you for letting me be your doormat, it's what I've always wanted. You know you can keep coming back and taking what you want and I'll never say no.

I don't even remember the last time I heard a thank you from 90% of these people.

I'm stressing. I have to have my room completely packed up by this Saturday to move. My bed, my desk, my dressers, all of the furniture, my closet completely cleaned out. This sucks. Yeah, I'm excited to be moving, but the reason that we're moving makes me sad. To be honest, I'm happy that my parents are separating. Maybe 'happy' isn't the right word, but it's a big breath of relief. No more screaming and fighting constantly. I miss when home was a warm place to be, when it was a place I felt I could go to relax. Now I never want to be here. This isn't a home.

Hopefully things will change. I love them both to death. I think we'll all be better off with them splitting. I hope. I just fear for my dad's loneliness.

It's weird how on medication, it can feel impossible to cry from sadness. Happy tears come and go, but from emotions such as frustration or anger, it seems totally impossible. For months, I couldn't get it to happen. You know those times where you feel like you're on the verge of tears and you know that if you just have a good, big cry, you'll feel soooo much better? I had that for like a month, couldn't cry no matter how hard I tried. I read/looked at sad things, forced sad memories into my mind. NOTHING could get that cruel emotion out of me. Finally, this past weekend, it happened, in the quietest of ways. My biggest regret is that I wasn't alone, where I could totally let it out in that sobbing mess of a way I had hoped. Silent tears worked, I guess.

My mood has been crazy all day. It won't make up it's mind. I need to clean. I can't think. I don't want to be in this stupid town.

Goodnight.

Acceptance

It's been so long since I have shed any tears over you. I reached the point of acceptance and since then, it's just sort of been okay. Tonight, though, I can't get you off my mind. Most of the same thoughts I used to have, but new ones too. No matter how long it has been, or how accepting I am now, it's always going to be brought up, and it's never going to leave me. I still have the utmost faith in the fact that it was meant to happen, I just miss you so much tonight. I think of what I would be doing if you were here with me, then I have to stop myself because the pain is too much.

I'm sure I'll be okay in the morning, but for right now, I think I'll set myself into deep unconsciousness and pretend I've got you here. I'll always love you.

Goodnight, my dear <3

This is our true alarm.
This is reality.
We will do what we can.
We are just figurines
with a theology
that we don’t understand.

We can’t forget the beginning,
when He set our broken wings.

God, how much does it take
for us to be loved?
For us to be saved?
We all are birds
stuck inside our cage,
covered up with praise.
And behind our saints
we hide our face.
Oh, the numbers come.
Yeah, they’re dialing in.
We can’t help but to compare ourselves again.

I can’t believe in this—
this blue-lipped, lifeless kiss.
We can’t see past our thrones.
We fight for life within,
but our walls are wearing thin.
Oh God, where have we gone?

When I’m just one fighting indifference,
does it matter what I say?

God, how much does it take
for us to be loved?
For us to be saved?
We all are birds
stuck inside our cage,
covered up with praise.
And behind our saints
we hide our face.
Oh, the numbers come.
Yeah, they’re dialing in.
We can’t help but to compare ourselves again.

It’s not that there were ever bad intentions—
it’s more that we forgot where to call home.
From important things that we don’t know to mention,
it’s the uniform that we put on—the formula we have for love.

Beautiful intentions
Formula for love
Ooooooooh

Beautiful intentions
Formula for love
Ooooooooh

It’s not that there were ever bad intentions—
it’s more that we forgot where to call home.
From important things that we don’t know to mention,
it’s the uniform that we put on—the formula we have for love.

She isn't nervous

Ten. There were ten pretzel sticks lying on the desk in front of her. She counted them again to make sure. Ten and a half if you counted the poor excuse of a pretzel at the end of the row. She frowned and ate that one first. It was stale, lacking the salt that the others had been bathed in. She looked at the remaining ten and immediately felt bad, having ended the existence of the one that was apart from the rest. So quick to glance at it with disgust and rid of it. How poor of her. All of the others tasted the same. They were rich and crisp, one after another. Boring.

She would light candles in the night and sit cross-legged in front of a mirror, staring emotionless at her reflection. In one pale hand, she’d hold the silver tube of blood-red lipstick, some unknown brand’s name splashed across the face in font she didn’t care about. In one slow but fluid motion, she set the wax to her lips and covered every inch of her frown with this screaming color. She didn’t stop, though. For three minutes straight, she continued to circle her mouth with the lipstick, unsure of her reason for doing so. She took note that her lips weren’t full enough, and decided to push the makeup up further. After ten seconds of staring in the mirror, she robotically reached for a tissue, for the line between lip and skin was comedically obvious. She wiped off most everything but left the tint of what had been. She knew it would be gone in the morning, but knowing that it was there now was somehow comforting.

I'm not entirely sure of the meaning of these. I got to go to Barnes&Noble today (whoo!) and I was so exited to be surrounding by all of the words, the colors, the emotions. I haven't felt so at peace in a while. I got this book called The Bird Room and just finished it about forty minutes ago. It was really good and the author had one of those fantastic ways with writing that you'll never forget. Sort of like Ellen Hopkins. Plus, it took place in the UK, so they included the words such as rubbish, bloke, and lad. For some reason, post-read, I immediately sat down at my computer and spit that ^ out.

I'm very happy and unhappy at the same time in life right now. I have a very amazing person in my life but I feel that I lost people in the process. I'm not happy about that, nothing seems to make me feel better about it. It's one of those times where you realize that you really need to be able to live for yourself, when it comes down to it. Rely on whom you want to rely on but in the end, you don't know how long they'll be there, no matter what you tell each other or yourselves.

The important part is, I'm being treated wonderfully and I'm being taken care of. I'm discovering a respect for myself that I had long lost. Thanks to you:
Thanks for everything, dear. I love you.

You never do what you're told

I'm having another one of those self-hate days, which hasn't happened in awhile. I spent an hour cleaning and blasting music as loud as I could to try to drown out my thoughts. I feel like I screwed up something and I'm really hoping I didn't.

I don't have much to say today. My parents splitting is taking a huge toll on me. I love that they're both open with me but I sometimes wish they didn't tell me the things that were going on. I hate it when my mother calls me and tells me I need to do something a certain way or my dad will have more fuel against her, or when my dad sits there and goes on and on about how my mother is a horrible parent, yadda yadda. Then they wonder why I spend the day in my room.

i miss you <3

Eeeeeeh

I didn't think I could be this happy. Such a short amount of time and BAM ! I love you <3 I don't know what to say, I feel like jumping around and screaming and laughing and crying and you're amazing and you make me feel like the most beautiful and important person on this planet <3 I don't care that we're far, I believe everything you've said and it will work out. Thank you for absolutely everything you have done for me. It doesn't matter what anyone else says, not at all.




Oh, by the way I have a boyfriend :) <3

Ne me quitte pas, mon cher

I tried to focus on my heart. I tried to make sure that I wouldn't hurt anyone. I pulled myself away from the one person I was hurting the most and it became a mess. I didn't do it to make them mad... I didn't do it to be vicious. I did it because I wasn't in the right state of mind and I knew I was going to end up regretting something. I didn't do it for me, I did it for them. Now, we barely talk. When we do, it's one-sided. I try to make conversation, try to keep optimistic. I don't think they even know what to say to me anymore. It's all jokes.

I'm sorry if you're mad at me. I wish you could understand why I did what I did. I tried to warn you beforehand that my life was going to change. I feel like instead of standing ground and supporting me, you got angry and blamed the medication. I'm sorry if you feel like I became something horrible. The way we are now, is not what I wanted. If something happened to you and that was that, I would be devastated that our relationship was the way it was. I'm sorry that I hurt you, it was never my intention. We might have argued a lot and I might have been upset about things you did but, this isn't how I wanted it to turn out.

There was one thing in life that I thought I wanted more than anything. One thing that I constantly prayed for, tried to make happen every single day. And now that it's starting to, I'm not sure how I feel about it. It wasn't what I thought it would be. I think I got so used to wishing for it that once it finally came to me, I didn't know what to do. I love it but I don't. I want more of it, but I want to push away from it.

I miss the presence of my best friend, knowing he was there. I miss seeing him every day and I wish I saw him more. Any frustration, I could just talk to him about between classes as we walked together. I hope you know, I'm still here for you 110%. I'll still do anything for you and I love you. Please don't get discouraged by the fact that I'm not there right now. You still mean just as much to me and I can't wait to see you again.

I know that I'm capable of incredible things. I know that I have the intelligence and the heart to do anything that I want to do. I just don't know if what I want to do is considered acceptable. But I should say, to hell with what they think. Maybe my dreams don't have to be of education and work and money and material things. Maybe they used to be, but now maybe they're of finding beautiful things, living to the fullest I possibly can, and doing what people are scared to do. I think what scares me the most is knowing that I have the mind to be incredibly successful. It's like, I KNOW that, but my heart is saying, "Go have fun. See the world. You can do anything you want to do, it's your own version of successful." I think I would be happier in a small house in the mountains, waking up to the joy of what God has blessed me with, walking in the fresh air and enjoying nature all day than in a huge house with nice cars, big televisions, and expensive furniture.

What I think is successful? Ending each day knowing that I did what I wanted to do. I took risks, I dove straight for the happiness of my heart, followed what my soul was telling me. It's like waking up in the morning and thinking, "I'd really love to go to Europe." and then pulling on your work clothes and trudging off into morning traffic. I want to get up, pack a suitcase, and just go.

Maybe that's going to be my biggest challenge in life. Knowing that I should probably get an education, go to college, and get a big fancy job. Knowing that but instead doing something else. Take the time each day to watch sun come up, throw paint on the floor and jump around in it just for the pure childish joy of it. Or sleep all day, be up all night dancing around to music, cooking strange food, and laughing.

I feel like I'm wasting my time right now. Each day, I get up and do nothing. I'm going to fix this though. I only have to follow what I believe is right for me. It doesn't matter what other people think, if this is what I want, I'm going for it. And it is.