Hold tight the night's air and breathe again

So school isn't that bad , so far. I just feel like I never see anyone ? Like at today's class meeting , it was the first time I saw about 80% of our class. Seriously , anyone else getting this ? I feel like I only ever see Nitty :P

I absolutely love my academy though , Health Sciences class is really interesting and probably my favorite class :D plus , the scrubs are so comfy.

So that anxiety thing... I finally went to the doctor for it and he recommended I get counseling. I have an appointment for that now , whoohoo. I got all my blood work done , too. Oh , I also had my first ever panic attack in school yesterday , that was fun.

>:(

I have to try so hard this year because I'm really close to being on the 'kick out' list of the school. I just want to erase the past two years so bad.

I still feel like people are weird right now. Oh well.

Nittywood and Grace's birthdays tomorrow ?! HOOOORAYYYY :D Lucky to have a birthday on FRIDAY. I think mine's on a Wednesday this year :P

<33333 I love you guys.

P.S. I miss you. Talk to me. Please.

Concepts of reality

I am so tired of people. I don't understand why everyone is changing. I miss hanging out with Arrie and Treva and Sheri and Nitty. I feel like they're the only people who know how it goes. Everyone else is like 'blah blah I was nice now I'm mean and I hate everyone'. Seriously ?

I don't know. I miss long , deep conversations with people. I miss feeling like people were normal and actually acted like they had hearts.

I try to care for every single human being. Whether they piss me off or I don't even know them. I try my hardest to care about them and love them. Why does it seem everyone is the opposite ? Hate everyone unless they like you or something. It's like everyone is just stuck in this little bubble of ignorance.

What's wrong with this place ? I swear. As soon as I can run...

We walk along the crowded streets

You know those moments where things feel great and everyday feels exciting or fresh ? Then out of nowhere you feel like everything and everyone is a stranger and you don't understand what happened to you , why you feel the way you do. I can barely form the words in my own mind , my feelings are unreadable. I guess the easiest way to sum it up is to say that I simply don't understand. I'm tired of the constant ups and downs. I feel this constant weight of stress on me throughout the entire day.

Oh and my anxiety is ruining my life , completely. It started out with small things , not wanting to go into crowded places or be home alone. Now I'm terrified of my own home (with my entire family in it) , getting into cars , falling asleep , stupid things like that. I feel sick constantly. My heart beats so fast and I get so shaky that sometimes I swear I'll throw up on the spot. I'm trying so hard to get it under control but it's hard. One of my favorite things in the world used to be going on long car rides with friends and just talking and listening to music. I can barely leave my front porch now and the thought of getting in a car and going somewhere makes me feel ill. Even hearing people TALK about going somewhere makes my heart race.

Now more than ever , I really want to just run away. Though that contradicts horribly with my anxiety. I would never be able to leave. I'm not excited for anything anymore. School , people , my future. I feel so tired and weak , like I can barely take a step toward anything good anyway. I'm wasting every single day with mindless nothings. I don't even write anymore , my mind keeps locking up and straying into blank visions.

I want to take a stand and change myself , make things the way that I want them to be. I just don't know if I have the motivation yet.

You never catch on

I need to change things. I keep telling myself that I will. I expect myself to wake up one day and just make it all better. I'm not getting anywhere , I'm stuck walking in complete circles. I'm slowly falling back into habits I had long forgotten. I already feel disgustingly overwhelmed at the thought of school starting in two weeks or so. I still need to read The Scarlet Letter and do whatever that stupid chart is. I still have to fix things and make it better for myself. Each day , my mind goes deeper into life contemplation and I'm never satisfied with the way that my thoughts turn. It's easy to act like everything's fine , but there's moments where I just want to scream and now is one.

I'm so sick of this , I want to throw up.

Hey hey hey

I'm feeling a bit better today. I went and worked out for a good forty minutes and then got Subway with my mom and brother and yeah , it's been good. My computer's in my dad's shop and has been since Friday because my video card went bad so he had to order a new one , I've been sneaking on the living room one when I get the chance :P

I really , really want to hang out with people ! I hope Arrie gets her license Thursday so we can haaaang and I want to hang out with Nitty as soon as possible.

I think I'm doing better , but I just don't know.

I feel like writing letters. I think you all should give me your address so I can write you a letter and we can go back and forth :D

YAY

<3 love you.

And I knew that you meant it

The past four days , I've felt so ugh. I have bad eye pain and headaches around my eyes and stuff. I'm dizzy , watching TV and being on the computer a lot makes me feel nauseous. My headaches last the entire day and are light sensitive. I'm barely hungry but stomach isn't holding anything down anyway :( and I'm all sweaty then cold and shakey and racing heart and I just don't feel good at all. I want to sleep until I feel better.

That is all.

For every 99 times you look me in the eye

I started out perfectly fine last night. I was happy , I had music blasting , I was doing surveys on Myspace , watching great shows on TV. Heck , I was even playing WoW. I couldn't have been any better. Things led to me trying to make someone feel better and feeling bad for them and before I knew it I was in the midst of one of the biggest breakdowns of my life thus far. Talk about pulling out hair , rocking back and forth , sweating , shaking madness. For two hours I paced my room , curled up in a ball , rolled around my bed , cried my eyes out , screamed into pillows , and ripped apart magazines and papers that may or may not have been important.

I try so hard to push things into the back of my mind , to keep up with this 'happy' because it's just so easy to make people believe that you're okay. "How are you ?" they ask , and it doesn't matter if you don't answer with a "Great !" or "Good". You can make do with an "I'm all right." and they won't press. It's just so much cleaner to leave it at that , no emotional mess to clean up or worry that you'll scare them away or accidentally let them get too close.

I try , believe me , I even convince myself at times that I'm perfectly fine , I am as happy and carefree as I seem. Sometimes I manage to forget that it's mainly an act. Then nights like last night happen and I realize that I'm so far from okay. I can't say "I'm all right." I don't reach that standard , not yet. Sure meltdowns can happen sometimes and it doesn't mean anything's wrong , but the thoughts that ran through my head and the things I had to do to keep myself calm are ridiculous and not in any means above the line of "okay".

There I was , stuck in this ramble of spitting out quiet complaints just as quickly as they popped into my mind. I wanted to scream as loud as I could , break things , but no , I had to be so quiet because it was four in the morning and fits are unacceptable at such a time. All of the fragile things in my room seemed to be begging me to lift them and throw them , shatter them. I had to go sit out in the living room so I wouldn't destroy anything , save the papers and magazines that I managed to get my hands on.

This morning I woke up and realized that things MUST change , they absolutely have to. It's not fair that I have forgotten about myself completely. I barely even take care of myself anymore. I feel I have to tiptoe around everyone as to not upset them. It can't be that anymore , it HAS to be about myself , it isn't fair that I'm constantly pushed aside or not taken seriously or just ignored. I can't deal with it anymore. And people seem to think that because I'm "happy" I don't have anything bothering me. Why does everyone assume that I'm just FINE , I'm grand , I'm doing amazing ?

You know , I'm just a really good liar apparently. So I guess I shouldn't blame anyone. I don't care how long ago something happened , how miniscule it was , who it involved , it doesn't matter , if I feel like I still need to focus on it and grieve over it , then I will. It isn't anyone else's job to say how I react to things and how long I take to accept them. The next time you wonder why I'm acting like a bitch or I'm not talking or something , take a minute to remember just exactly what I've been through.

I'm going to stop here because I'm getting mad and I'll just regret writing further. Goodnight.