Friday, December 18, 2009

Ne me quitte pas, mon cher

I tried to focus on my heart. I tried to make sure that I wouldn't hurt anyone. I pulled myself away from the one person I was hurting the most and it became a mess. I didn't do it to make them mad... I didn't do it to be vicious. I did it because I wasn't in the right state of mind and I knew I was going to end up regretting something. I didn't do it for me, I did it for them. Now, we barely talk. When we do, it's one-sided. I try to make conversation, try to keep optimistic. I don't think they even know what to say to me anymore. It's all jokes.

I'm sorry if you're mad at me. I wish you could understand why I did what I did. I tried to warn you beforehand that my life was going to change. I feel like instead of standing ground and supporting me, you got angry and blamed the medication. I'm sorry if you feel like I became something horrible. The way we are now, is not what I wanted. If something happened to you and that was that, I would be devastated that our relationship was the way it was. I'm sorry that I hurt you, it was never my intention. We might have argued a lot and I might have been upset about things you did but, this isn't how I wanted it to turn out.

There was one thing in life that I thought I wanted more than anything. One thing that I constantly prayed for, tried to make happen every single day. And now that it's starting to, I'm not sure how I feel about it. It wasn't what I thought it would be. I think I got so used to wishing for it that once it finally came to me, I didn't know what to do. I love it but I don't. I want more of it, but I want to push away from it.

I miss the presence of my best friend, knowing he was there. I miss seeing him every day and I wish I saw him more. Any frustration, I could just talk to him about between classes as we walked together. I hope you know, I'm still here for you 110%. I'll still do anything for you and I love you. Please don't get discouraged by the fact that I'm not there right now. You still mean just as much to me and I can't wait to see you again.

I know that I'm capable of incredible things. I know that I have the intelligence and the heart to do anything that I want to do. I just don't know if what I want to do is considered acceptable. But I should say, to hell with what they think. Maybe my dreams don't have to be of education and work and money and material things. Maybe they used to be, but now maybe they're of finding beautiful things, living to the fullest I possibly can, and doing what people are scared to do. I think what scares me the most is knowing that I have the mind to be incredibly successful. It's like, I KNOW that, but my heart is saying, "Go have fun. See the world. You can do anything you want to do, it's your own version of successful." I think I would be happier in a small house in the mountains, waking up to the joy of what God has blessed me with, walking in the fresh air and enjoying nature all day than in a huge house with nice cars, big televisions, and expensive furniture.

What I think is successful? Ending each day knowing that I did what I wanted to do. I took risks, I dove straight for the happiness of my heart, followed what my soul was telling me. It's like waking up in the morning and thinking, "I'd really love to go to Europe." and then pulling on your work clothes and trudging off into morning traffic. I want to get up, pack a suitcase, and just go.

Maybe that's going to be my biggest challenge in life. Knowing that I should probably get an education, go to college, and get a big fancy job. Knowing that but instead doing something else. Take the time each day to watch sun come up, throw paint on the floor and jump around in it just for the pure childish joy of it. Or sleep all day, be up all night dancing around to music, cooking strange food, and laughing.

I feel like I'm wasting my time right now. Each day, I get up and do nothing. I'm going to fix this though. I only have to follow what I believe is right for me. It doesn't matter what other people think, if this is what I want, I'm going for it. And it is.