I miss you so much. I hate how badly it hurts now. I don't have that reassurance that I used to, that no matter what happened, you were still there. I hate the emptiness. I hate feeling that if I happen to fall, you won't be there to catch me, as you once promised you always would be. I'm so scared that you're mad at me. I'm scared to talk to you. I don't want to be scared of you. I don't know what to do. I've tried to contact you and you just ignore me. I know from past experience that sometimes you get into these phases in life where you just kind of ignore people and we don't talk much but... it's been so damn long. I wish I knew what happened. I used to have no doubts that even if we weren't talking, you'd still read these. You told me so. You ask, "Do you think I wasn't watching? Making sure you were okay?" I felt so safe when I heard that. Now... I'm not even sure if you'll read this. I haven't posed in so long, so why would you even bother to check anymore ? Or maybe you still do... every day come here just to see if there's anything knew. I have no idea anymore. We used to know each other so well. At least, I thought we did. Maybe I never really knew you, but damn it I tried to. Our last day was ended with a promise to talk more. A promise that we'd be more like ourselves and that we probably had done things we shouldn't have done. Yet here we are... I have no idea how your life is going. I want to try to get a hold of you again but as I stated before... I'm scared. I wish you would give me just some stupid indirect sign that you still care, or at least think about me. Despite all, I still love you.
I'm trying so hard to not give up. To not say 'to hell with it' and spend my days in bed doing absolutely nothing. Just getting dressed is exhausting. This apartment is small and my brother has made it a complete mess despite my mother's begging and pleading. She wanted us to have family time here. She wanted us to feel comfortable all sitting out in the living room and watching a movie or just talking, but yet again, we've been forced to slip back into our own little corner of the wall because no effort goes into anything.
My constant headaches are seriously affecting my lifestyle. I can only take so much medication before I just make myself fall asleep to try to get rid of it. I've gone through countless bottles of Excedrin (extra strength, migraine, pm, all of it), we have to stop by the Urgent Care every few days to get more samples of a heavier pain med, and no place will see me because of lack of health insurance and my age. I hate seeing my parents get together and talk about it and then argue because they don't have enough money to do anything about it. I know they say it's not my fault, that they'd do anything for me, but it makes me feel terrible. The headaches make my mood go all over the place. As soon as they hit, I get irritated and restless, I have a hard time processing what people are saying, and I often find myself just staring into space. When they started ALMOST A YEAR AGO, they were visual only. Trailing vision, slightly blurry, but no pain. Now I have no visual effects and pure pain. Oh, also I hear noises that no one else hears. It's like someone's snapping a rubber band inside my brain. The vibrations aren't so great either. It's like when you rest your head against the window in a moving car. That then leads to nausea and therefore, I don't want to do anything but sleep.
I also hate that bad habit that sneaks back up on you. That one you finally got rid of, the one you beat. Though it never entirely goes away, you're able to control it and not succumb to its taunting. I guess months and years can go by and it still can be so easy to just... do it. The way you can block out your mind that way you used to, the way you can take care of it like you used to, and the way the lying comes back so naturally. I only pray it was a one-time thing. I can't deal with that again.
I don't know what to do about you anymore. I'm hurt to the core when I think of everything you said to me, what you did to me at the end. I'm trying to be strong. I really am. I'm at such a loss right now, though. I don't have that back up that I had for years when you were around. I don't feel like I can fall back onto anything. Like if I don't force myself to stand up and stay going, I won't make it at all. It's impossible to know if you're trying to do that to me... or if you just don't care anymore.
- Thank you for what you did on Sunday, it meant a lot to me.
- I wish I could push myself around that bend of being 'okay'. It's like I'm right on the edge and if I can just give it a littttle more effort, I'll be 'good'.
- The good thing is that it's almost June, and June means summer, and summer means <3
- I can't get rid of these headaches. They occur every single day, all throughout the day. All MRIs and CT scans were clear and my vision is fine, so... we're still trying to figure this one out. They get so bad though, that I just have to curl up in bed with absolutely no lights or sound and just try to sleep through them. In turn, I have no energy and am wasting almost the entire day. Great !
- I haven't thought about you in a long time, until last night. I wonder how you're doing. I think about the last time we saw each other. I can't help but feel angry at you... I don't think that's wrong though, because you weren't very... great the last time we were hanging out. I'm still sorry if I caused you problems though. I wish I could have believed you when you said we would be fixed now because...we obviously aren't. I don't think we've talked in two months. What did we do ?
- I spent all day yesterday cleaning the apartment for my mom, to surprise her. I know she's been stressed out and whenever my dad drops my brother off after school, he ends up lecturing her later about how the house isn't as clean as she promised it would be, or something like that. So I thought I'd take the liberty to clean it for her. After all, when my parents separated, I promised that I would help her here and I haven't been keeping that promise too well. I'll need to do more. It was hard work but definitely worth it to see the look on her face when she came home. I think I received about 20 hugs and 'thank yous' within an hour.
- I wish I had the energy to write and blog more, but the truth is being on the computer has been wearing me out and I don't have the desire to really talk to anyone... I miss you guys, though. I do.
I'm so glad we're so "fixed" now. Everything is so "back to normal". Isn't it great ? I don't know why we lied to ourselves. Why I lied to myself. I screwed up by asking for it, I guess. Still. I don't think you can blame me for being mad at you for the last time we saw each other. Since, you know, we talk sooo much now.
I'm failing so bad. I'm never going to get out of school. I keep getting withdrawn from my classes because I'm not doing enough. I wish I could just PAUSE everything until I was ready. I'm not okay yet. My parents divorcing, me moving, not seeing my dad much anymore, it's ridiculously hard on me. School isn't the first thing on my mind.
It makes me feel sick sometimes that you aren't here. I'd do anything. I see people together and I want to cry. You've done so much for me and I can't even give you a hug to thank you for it all. I hope soon we'll get what we want. I love you.
Blah blah blah, nag nag nag. I'm really honestly so sick of putting my all out for people and getting nothing back. It's not even that I get nothing back, it's that I get taken advantage of as a reward. Uhm, thanks? You make me never want to do another thing for you ever again. Of course I will though, because I can't say no. I can never say no. I'm too freaking nice to everyone. Spend all of my energy on putting others before me. I used to do it because it felt nice, to make others happy. Then ohhhh, people get used to it, "Oh just ask Ally, she'll do it. She always does." Yeah, thank you for letting me be your doormat, it's what I've always wanted. You know you can keep coming back and taking what you want and I'll never say no.
I don't even remember the last time I heard a thank you from 90% of these people.
I'm stressing. I have to have my room completely packed up by this Saturday to move. My bed, my desk, my dressers, all of the furniture, my closet completely cleaned out. This sucks. Yeah, I'm excited to be moving, but the reason that we're moving makes me sad. To be honest, I'm happy that my parents are separating. Maybe 'happy' isn't the right word, but it's a big breath of relief. No more screaming and fighting constantly. I miss when home was a warm place to be, when it was a place I felt I could go to relax. Now I never want to be here. This isn't a home.
Hopefully things will change. I love them both to death. I think we'll all be better off with them splitting. I hope. I just fear for my dad's loneliness.
It's weird how on medication, it can feel impossible to cry from sadness. Happy tears come and go, but from emotions such as frustration or anger, it seems totally impossible. For months, I couldn't get it to happen. You know those times where you feel like you're on the verge of tears and you know that if you just have a good, big cry, you'll feel soooo much better? I had that for like a month, couldn't cry no matter how hard I tried. I read/looked at sad things, forced sad memories into my mind. NOTHING could get that cruel emotion out of me. Finally, this past weekend, it happened, in the quietest of ways. My biggest regret is that I wasn't alone, where I could totally let it out in that sobbing mess of a way I had hoped. Silent tears worked, I guess.
My mood has been crazy all day. It won't make up it's mind. I need to clean. I can't think. I don't want to be in this stupid town.
It's been so long since I have shed any tears over you. I reached the point of acceptance and since then, it's just sort of been okay. Tonight, though, I can't get you off my mind. Most of the same thoughts I used to have, but new ones too. No matter how long it has been, or how accepting I am now, it's always going to be brought up, and it's never going to leave me. I still have the utmost faith in the fact that it was meant to happen, I just miss you so much tonight. I think of what I would be doing if you were here with me, then I have to stop myself because the pain is too much.
I'm sure I'll be okay in the morning, but for right now, I think I'll set myself into deep unconsciousness and pretend I've got you here. I'll always love you.