Tuesday, July 21, 2009

Hey hey hey

I'm feeling a bit better today. I went and worked out for a good forty minutes and then got Subway with my mom and brother and yeah , it's been good. My computer's in my dad's shop and has been since Friday because my video card went bad so he had to order a new one , I've been sneaking on the living room one when I get the chance :P

I really , really want to hang out with people ! I hope Arrie gets her license Thursday so we can haaaang and I want to hang out with Nitty as soon as possible.

I think I'm doing better , but I just don't know.

I feel like writing letters. I think you all should give me your address so I can write you a letter and we can go back and forth :D


<3 love you.

Monday, July 20, 2009

And I knew that you meant it

The past four days , I've felt so ugh. I have bad eye pain and headaches around my eyes and stuff. I'm dizzy , watching TV and being on the computer a lot makes me feel nauseous. My headaches last the entire day and are light sensitive. I'm barely hungry but stomach isn't holding anything down anyway :( and I'm all sweaty then cold and shakey and racing heart and I just don't feel good at all. I want to sleep until I feel better.

That is all.

Friday, July 17, 2009

For every 99 times you look me in the eye

I started out perfectly fine last night. I was happy , I had music blasting , I was doing surveys on Myspace , watching great shows on TV. Heck , I was even playing WoW. I couldn't have been any better. Things led to me trying to make someone feel better and feeling bad for them and before I knew it I was in the midst of one of the biggest breakdowns of my life thus far. Talk about pulling out hair , rocking back and forth , sweating , shaking madness. For two hours I paced my room , curled up in a ball , rolled around my bed , cried my eyes out , screamed into pillows , and ripped apart magazines and papers that may or may not have been important.

I try so hard to push things into the back of my mind , to keep up with this 'happy' because it's just so easy to make people believe that you're okay. "How are you ?" they ask , and it doesn't matter if you don't answer with a "Great !" or "Good". You can make do with an "I'm all right." and they won't press. It's just so much cleaner to leave it at that , no emotional mess to clean up or worry that you'll scare them away or accidentally let them get too close.

I try , believe me , I even convince myself at times that I'm perfectly fine , I am as happy and carefree as I seem. Sometimes I manage to forget that it's mainly an act. Then nights like last night happen and I realize that I'm so far from okay. I can't say "I'm all right." I don't reach that standard , not yet. Sure meltdowns can happen sometimes and it doesn't mean anything's wrong , but the thoughts that ran through my head and the things I had to do to keep myself calm are ridiculous and not in any means above the line of "okay".

There I was , stuck in this ramble of spitting out quiet complaints just as quickly as they popped into my mind. I wanted to scream as loud as I could , break things , but no , I had to be so quiet because it was four in the morning and fits are unacceptable at such a time. All of the fragile things in my room seemed to be begging me to lift them and throw them , shatter them. I had to go sit out in the living room so I wouldn't destroy anything , save the papers and magazines that I managed to get my hands on.

This morning I woke up and realized that things MUST change , they absolutely have to. It's not fair that I have forgotten about myself completely. I barely even take care of myself anymore. I feel I have to tiptoe around everyone as to not upset them. It can't be that anymore , it HAS to be about myself , it isn't fair that I'm constantly pushed aside or not taken seriously or just ignored. I can't deal with it anymore. And people seem to think that because I'm "happy" I don't have anything bothering me. Why does everyone assume that I'm just FINE , I'm grand , I'm doing amazing ?

You know , I'm just a really good liar apparently. So I guess I shouldn't blame anyone. I don't care how long ago something happened , how miniscule it was , who it involved , it doesn't matter , if I feel like I still need to focus on it and grieve over it , then I will. It isn't anyone else's job to say how I react to things and how long I take to accept them. The next time you wonder why I'm acting like a bitch or I'm not talking or something , take a minute to remember just exactly what I've been through.

I'm going to stop here because I'm getting mad and I'll just regret writing further. Goodnight.

Saturday, July 11, 2009

And all at once we say goodnight

I don't understand why people are so quick to attack their so called friends. It doesn't even anger me , it just makes me sad. I just don't get why people can't leave each other alone and let the other people do what they want. Who cares if someone wants to dance all day or read all day or play video games all day or sleep all day ? What is the purpose in being so inconsiderate and mean :(

We got another kitten today , she's a dark grey/brown/black tabby that is 10 weeks old and we named her Chleo. She's super cuddly but she's had diarrhea all day :(

I'm sososo excited for the 2 hour finale of Harper's Island tonight ! AHHHHH. Austin and I are going to text each other the whole time and I can't wait.

Thursday, July 9, 2009

From the depths of all belonging

I really need to start standing up to you. My goodness.

I feel like I'm wasting my entire summer by doing nothing. I want to be with people and do things and have FUN. I can't believe it's already July :(

I had a chain of really bad dreams this morning and it brought back memories and pain, made my day emotional , though I believe I hid it very well from people.

Random fact , thanks to Allie , I am way addicted to Caramel Steamers from Starbucks and if you ever happened to randomly buy me one because you love me so much , I would be so , so forever grateful <3

My thoughts are too scrambled today :O I love you.

Tuesday, July 7, 2009

You'll never see me again

I'm frustrated. I feel like so many of my friends are changing and acting weird in the most annoying ways possible. Everyone's changing everyone else and I feel like I'm sitting here , having no clue what has gotten into people.

There has never been a moment in my life where I wished for a rewind button so much. I know everything happens for a reason and people are in each others lives for reasons , but I hate it SO much. I just wish I could go back , take these people , and shake sense into them , not let them do this.

And they think their change is fine because they think they're fine but really , they're annoying and disgusting and just being stupid. They think they're the cream of the crop , but they don't understand how other people view them. But you know , they don't even care. They lost all care for how people view them.

Yeah that's fine. Go ahead.

What is wrong with everyone ?

I miss Arrie.

Friday, July 3, 2009

He said each day’s a gift and not a given right

I feel like I really need to break free and do my own thing for awhile. I'm being really hard on myself at the moment and I think I need to just stop everything and focus on really making myself happy. It's been months that I've constantly put myself down and blamed myself for things , let people control me and push my guard down. I've neglected myself for too long and it's not fair.

That's all I have to say today.