Thursday, February 26, 2009

You're not worth the shame

You're annoying me :O you're really, honest to God, annoying me, and I don't want to talk to you. When you try to hug me, I cringe away, and you always try to get to close when you talk to me. I need you to back up. Yes, we're friends, but you for some reason I just don't want anything to do with you right now. I want you to just go away right now. You're irritating me, augh.

My mom got under my skin all day today. She didn't even do anything wrong, really, she's just always on her freaking phone. Most people get off work and are done for the night. Not my mom, no, she's still getting calls at 10pm. We went to Fresh Market after school and I swear, every single time I would turn around to say, "Hey, Mom, look at this-" she would be holding up her hand, pulling out her phone, and hurrying out the door so she could talk outside. Every time we're in the car, we like to listen to music at an unreasonably loud level, that's how my mother and I are. We scream obnoxiously to the music. But we're ALWAYS interrupted by that stupid BEEP BEEP of that freaking Nextel phone. Immediately, her hand reaches out to turn off the radio and I'm stuck there listening to her ramble on and on and on with someone from work. She sits there and makes hand motions to say that the person won't shut up, but she doesn't even try to stop the conversation, she goes on and on and freaking on.

I hate it.

Even at home, she gets out of the shower at night and BEEP BEEP. Gotta talk more. You'd think she'd at least put the phone on private so we all didn't have to hear the BEEP BEEP or squeaky chatter of the people on the other line of the walkie talkie connection.


I guess I just got irritated from that.

I'm really glad that tomorrow is Friday, this week went by slow for me.

Oh my God. I can't even concentrate on creating this blog post because I'm so irritated by you (from beginning of post). I want to pull my hair out and throw things across the room. Yes, I am that annoyed. Please, go away.


Well, I love you guys. Let's talk, hm?

Wednesday, February 25, 2009

By the way,

You're a selfish, conceited, self-centered, egotistical asshole.
The whole world does not revolve around you.



I took a nap :D !

I haven't taken a nap after school in awhile. It always recharges me and helps me to concentrate on school better. I was reading this book today in Spanish and the chapter I was on was called 'Too Drunk to Fuck' and it was written all big-like at the top of the page and I was scared Sra. Hubbard was going to walk by xD

Haaa, I'm actually in a really good mood right now, for no reason, really. I NEED TO GET MY PERMIT, DAWOPGMROGMEWOG. I'm so behind on that :p

I asked my mom last night if I could get a monroe and she said, after thought, "I'll think about it." and for my mother, that's about a 75% yes, and she's an awesome mom :p so I'M REALLY HOPING, YEW GUIZ.


Lala. I don't have much to say today except that I currently miss two people.

I think some confessions are due:

- I'm actually starting to feel bad for disliking you so much.
- Strawberry Ice Cream.
- I get irritated easily when talking to you now for some reason
- I see you as abusive and it annoys me
- I love hanging out with you, even if it's only in school
- I never would have imagined we would have turned out so alike, but I love it because I feel we can relate in ways.
- For some reason, I trusted you immediately.
- You're neutral to me.
- I'm not going to comment on you this time because I don't know what to say anymore. I thought we were making progress but I feel like I just annoy you so I'm backing off. Talk to me when you're ready to.
- You're so pretty :D
- I wish I saw you more often.


Talk to me, guys.

Tuesday, February 24, 2009

I don't breathe the way I used to

I had to get checked out in third period today because I was way too tired xD I didn't even ask my mom to pick me up though, I just texted her saying I was exhausted and the next thing I know, I'm getting called down to the office.

I had bad luck with food today xD I tried pre-heating the oven to make some fries and started smelling burnt plastic. So I open the oven and find that Mommy dearest was hiding the leftovers of Colin's birthday cake in the oven. So it's EVERYWHERE and there's a mini fire that keeps sparking around the melted icing and I'm freaking out and calling my mom and trying to pour water on it and xD it sucked. So then Mama comes home, cleans up and stuff, then puts the fries in the toaster oven for me. I forget about them. I walk into the kitchen about an hour later and it's FULL of smoke, fries are black as night and I'm just like xD man, wtf, I'm apparently destined to not eat these fries.

It was weird. I finally got some made safely, though :)

I've been listening to nevershoutnever and eatmewhileimhot the entire time that I've been home. They make me so happy <33

My mom said if I can show some real effort in school and pick grades up, I can get a job :) one of her friends at work has his own business with his wife and said he could get me hired there :D so I'm going to try really hard. It would only be a few hours because I'm only 15, but it's still something.

Today was relatively good though :)


I need to finish a lot of homework, though. I love you guys. Oh, by the way, publishing comments still isn't working for me for some reason :( but I would be commenting everyone if I could. I'm still reading though :D so just know.

<33 !!

Monday, February 23, 2009

You're not trying, (I swear I'm trying)

I was on auto-pilot the entire day, I swear. Except for Art Club, I lost the whole morning and afternoon. I felt like a robot, it was horrible. I was falling asleep standing up, while walking. It sucked. I need to get more sleep, I guess.

Everyone else seemed to have shitty days today :( it's lame, I feel like Monday just really sucked. It was like BLAH to the max.

Hooly sent me a link to an UnderOATH acoustic cover and it's giving me chills <3

I feel like some people in my life are all wrong. Aside from a select few, I can't tell who I want to be closer to, who I need to give up on, and who I want to just stay neutral with.

You're uninviting, unrewarding.

I want a fire right now, like a big fireplace right next to my bed. With a giant, comfy rug, candles, pencils, and paper. I would love to just sit in front of a fire and write for hours.

There are so many things that I want to say but they keep slipping from my mind. I feel like my mind is all scrambled today.

I wish people were more loving. I wish we all hugged more, smiled at each other more, gave each other a nice text once a day. I feel like affection is missing, as if it has almost completely disappeared from the air that we're breathing. I don't like it. It makes me feel cold, and a bit lonely.

I feel like I'm slipping also. I'm not right in the head right now. I'm thinking things I shouldn't be thinking. Wanting things I shouldn't be wanting. Dreaming of things I shouldn't be dreaming. I'm just all wrong. Completely wrong.

Thought of the Day:
I think it's okay to cry now.

Sunday, February 22, 2009

And if I could be someone like you

Today was Colin's birthday and I'd say it went pretty well. I was feeling incredibly crappy this morning but I got better once he got here. My mom also made him this really delicious cake :D and steak for dinner was nommyyyy.

I was planning on posting my obsession story that I had to do for English, but I'm not done with it yet and I want to perfect it before I let everyone see it :)

I'm kind of ticked off. Yesterday, I guess I pulled the usb out of my iPod while it was syncing and didn't realize it. I noticed it was frozen, so I reset it, and EVERYTHING is now gone :( I really, really hate when that happens. I'm trying to save up for an iPod Touch, but it's going to take me until like July or August. Ah, man.

I also need to get my hair dyed again xD it's faded so badly. Mama thinks I should pay for it this time though, and seeing as I get twenty-five dollars every Friday, it might take me some time, since I have a hard time saving xD plus that will cut into iPod money.


Ever have it where like something happens and you convince yourself of an outcome or a reason for that happening? And like, you really tell yourself it's the one thing, but then you want to share that opinion with someone else. Only, you subconsciously know that they're going to make you feel stupid or second guess what you're thinking, so you don't want to share with them. You think you'll just get disappointed or annoyed once they share what they think. I get that with my mom a lot. I finally shared the HAPPENING with her today, though, to see what her thoughts were, and found out I was exactly right. She was so sure of her response too, that I wish I never would have asked her.

Although, I sometimes thinks my mom tells me one thing because she doesn't want to share her honest opinion. Then later down the road she says, "I thought that too, but I didn't want to scare you." or something along those lines. I really hate that.

I also hate not knowing things. I wish life wasn't so full of maybes sometimes. I wish we could just get a straight answer on certain things. Though, I guess that would defeat some of our purpose of waiting and learning.

Oh well.

Thought of the Day:
I think I want things a little too much.

Saturday, February 21, 2009

I'm a lion

My weekend has been incredible so far :)

After school on Friday, I went home with Sheri and we ate strawberry ice cream with salt and vinegar chips <3 while watching Maury and Viva La Bam. Then we straightened our hairs, put on makeups, and went to Burger King, where we waited for her boyfriend and his friends. I then spent the night with them at the square and got to hang out with Raz, too :D

I spent the night at Sheri's. Stickam, omg xD I have the best times ever with that girl, I swear.

Then we got up REAL early today (like 7-8) and she took me home and I slept until like 12 and then she picked me up and we went to the mall :D and her boyfriend and his friends were there, toooo.

"Oh! Heyyy..." LAWL.

Then I went home and Colin has been over since and he's currently watching some really boring movie and taking up the entire bed so I decided to get on the computer :D

He turns 18 tomorrow :P

Okay, anyway. Yeah. I'm very, very deep into thought about something. I hate it whenever there's an obstacle that isn't necessarily BAD, just won't get out of your way, or constantly confuses you; just sets you off a bit. Oh well.

I'm going to have to write my obsession essay for Kubik tomorrow, so I'll probably post that story on here :)

I love you guys <3

Thursday, February 19, 2009

Bend me, Break me, Any way you need me.

I'm doing better. Yes, it's taking time, but... I think I'm getting there. Things seem easier at the moment and work isn't nearly as bad as it used to be. I only pray that I can stay here.

So come on get higher, loosen my lips.

I'm looking for something to do tomorrow after school because Colin is working until late. So if anyone wants to haaaang, holla at me ;D

I really, really want to go to a college that has a great creative writing program. I still don't know what I want to do in life career-wise, but I know that I have to write, I must write. I love it so much, sometimes I don't even realize how much I do it :) it just makes me so happy.

Oh, I realized something today. I realized it when I saw Grace outside at car line :p but it seems (to me at least) that all of us little Blogspot kids are like, connected in a way. It's like, yeah we pass each other in the halls, and yeah some of us talk, but it isn't until we're safe in our little world of spreading words and feelings like viruses that we get to know each other. We can speak not one word to each other during the day, not even look at each other, but once we see that new blog post, it's exciting :) maybe that's just me. But I saw Grace outside after school and I just noticed it. It's not like either of us communicated but I just got this feeling. I like it though. We all get to know the deeper meaning to one another.

Like I said though, maybe that's just me :)

By the way, Daniel, if you read this, your hugs are the best parts of the day most of the times. You are seriously my favorite hugger :D I'm not kidding <3 your hugs make me feel loved, important, and you really hug me back. I'm such a hugger too, aha, so I love your hugs and I just want you to know that :) they make my day.

I think I'm going to go write now <3 I love you all so very much :)

Leave some love back? ;D

Oh and by the way,


Tuesday, February 17, 2009

I am a vampire, I am a vampire

Today was only slightly stressful. I actually woke up in a ridiculously good mood, which is incredibly rare. Nick and I got to sit outside at lunch together and have some good talk time, which is nice, we got to catch up on our lives a bit. Colin just had to drag me to Lenscrafters in Ocala after school, though xD I don't like crowds of people.

However, the big bomb of overwhelming feelings hit me once we got home and it was 'homework time'. I ended up pretty much just STARING at my homework and not getting anything done. I didn't actually START it until after Colin left, around 9:10. Yeah, but then I did get some done and my parents were really helpful.

I'm rather exhausted right now, so I don't have much to say. However! I was so stressed out last night that I cleaned my entire room and didn't finish until around 1:30 am :)



Monday, February 16, 2009

I must be losing it, this can't be right.

I was supposed to work hard all weekend on make up work (four days worth). Whoops, guess I forgot. Man, I really wish I just had a little bit of care in the world for school. Nope. I have an F in AP World History again and I was going to try to turn stuff in before progress reports come out, but did I do any of it? Nope. What grade is going to flash itself before the eyes of my parentals? F.


I used to get all A's. Ha.

I'm not feeling well today. My mind is in constant motion; I can't sit still on one thought at all. I'm frustrated with everything (gotta love PMS). I'm sick of people. I was out today from four until eight and I just want to curl up in a ball and shut out the world. House hunting is fun, but not when you can't keep your mind FOCUSED and all you can do is feel angry and resentful, not open-minded to the bedroom in front of you that can soon be your own.

I'm dreading school tomorrow. Seriously, when don't I anymore? I hate it. I despise it. If it wasn't for a handful of people there, I would have been long gone by now.

People are making me angry today. Actually no, just one or two of them are. I hate myself today.

I'm having a hateful day.

You know those days where you try to get all snazzy looking and feel good about yourself but moments later, you're sitting there, picking out all the negative aspects of yourself in your head?

Yeah, I had one of those days. They make you feel so alone. Especially spending the day with your family. Your friends aren't there to keep your mind of things. No, instead your following your parents from house to house and watching as they ooh and ahh over this fireplace and that laundry room. You get so used to picking out the flaws of the home that your mind strays to attacking your own being.

I want to sleep.
I don't want to wake up tomorrow.
I want to cry.
I want a hug.

I can't be myself without certain things in my life. I may have good friends, a loving family, a house, food, material items; but without this ONE thing...

I kind of want to get beaten up. Knock my head back into place, make me think straight. Lately, I've felt ashamed, like God is unhappy with me and I don't know what to do about it.

I'm so frustrated with myself. I want three things right this second and I can only get away with one, and that's even risky.

I want to vent, to rant, but my thoughts are currently so personal that I'm afraid of blogging right now. I think I should just hit publish now, before I go into detail.

Thought of the Day:
I hate how you two consistently break my heart.

Saturday, February 14, 2009

I found a PostSecret

And I'm so excited about it. Colin and I were at Barnes and Noble, reading one of the books and we flipped to a page and ! there it was. It's simple, just a piece of white printer paper, ripped off the rest of excess space. I wish I had a scanner so I could show you but it says:

i'm so confused. i need help. no one wants to help me. that probably means i'm alone.

And the weird part is, I had to fold it to put it into my pocket and when you look at it (because of the way it is ripped from the top) all you can see is 'help me'

But really, I'm ecstatic that I found a secret. I'm going to send it in. I've always wanted to find one, but never expected to in The Villages <3

Oh man. Oh man. Oh man.


We're moving forward

You know, I'm trying extremely hard. I'm doing things that I don't even want to do, just to try to get things back to normal, and I'm getting no feedback that is actually giving me a glimmer of hope. I don't know if I should keep trying, just keep going until maybe I can fracture this wall that's put up. You have no idea how hard I'm trying, you really don't. I don't care how much anyone says they know me, nobody has any idea how badly I want this. That should tell you something, for the amount of time that has gone by.

I'm PMSing today, I'm grumpy, I'm bloated, I'm sweating, my hair isn't cooperating, none of my shirts are comfortable, my mom won't stop talking, it's gloomy out, my room is a mess and I don't want to clean it.

I don't have anything else to say.

Thought of the Day:
Way to put in some effort.

Thursday, February 12, 2009

Blast-off in 3, 2...

So I've had a big case of yummy bronchitis and fever since Monday. I guess I'm finally going back to school tomorrow, yay. It's okay though, because I miss SharClar.

That stupid goal I've been working towards went down the drain since I've been sick, so I should probably focus more on that this weekend and stuff. I would really love to be able to just put all my strength and motivation into something and stick with it. Funny thing is, that works for almost anything besides school, which is where I need it most. Whoop de doo.

I'm confused about some people in my life and where I stand between all of them: how I see them and how they see me.

I'm at a point where I don't really recognize who I am, either. I'm in such a change.

I got news a few days ago that really crushed me, which makes me feel insane because it's what most people would jump for joy for. My life is about to take even more transformation and I'm not so sure I'm ready for it. I guess I don't have a choice though. I think I'm disappointed because it was all this build up for one thing, all of this self-preperation for a new lifestlye only to be told, "Just kidding."

Gee. Thanks.

I don't have much more to say except that I miss you and I'm glad I talked to you today. You make me smile. And yes, this is one of those times I told you about.

Goodnight <3

Monday, February 9, 2009

I belong in a horror movie

I am hallucinating.

I remember a story my dad told me once. He was my age and he was watching TV with his sister or something when he glanced out the window and saw, hanging down from the roof, a witch's hand. Just like one straight out of The Wizard of Oz. He looked away and looked back to see that it was still there. He didn't panic though, because he knew it wasn't real. He went and told his mom and she looked out the window and didn't see anything and they knew he was having a hallucination.

I am hallucinating.

I've been home since around 9:30ish and my mind has been playing tricks on me the entire time. It got so bad, I backed myself into a corner of a room and stared wide-eyed, observing every corner of the house that I could get my eyes on.

To me, that beats any other fear. You know, if you're sitting in your house and someone breaks in, that's scary. But if you're sitting in your house and every time you turn your head, you swear you see the outline of a figure, or you hear faint noises, and you KNOW they aren't there? That's scarier. The mind is terrifying, it's conniving. It's amazing.

I think I want to study psychology.

I have to pee.

I feel fat because I've been eating a lot since I got home :(


Every 'noise' makes me jump.

Thought of the Day:
You don't even care, do you?

Sunday, February 8, 2009

I'm made of wax, Larry, what are you made of?

I think I'm probably doing a little better at getting closer to my destination.

I'm sick, bleh sick. I have a cold or something because I'm all stuffy and my nose is currently running down my face and chin and neck and boobs and stomach. Ew, that's gross. It's really just running a little bit. My head feels heavy and full of snot and my throat is sore. Oh, add in a cough and some sneezing here and there. Nom Nomzzz. Today was okay. Colin came over but was mean to me all day which made me sad because I'm sick :(

I had a dream last night. It was so realistic, cramming every single corner of my mind. It was the kind of dream where I wake up and am overwhelmed with unbearable sadness because I realize it was only a dream; it didn't really happen. I literally just curled up in a ball and pouted for a good ten minutes. I hate dreams sometimes, I really do. They can be so intensely cruel. Although, I should blame myself since dreams are brought from deep within your own consciousness.

I miss so many things it's ridiculous. I think I'm going to let some thoughts out:

You scare me sometimes. I thought I wanted to get to know you, but I'm not so sure anymore.

I miss talking to you and I wish we did it more often. I miss you comforting me whenever I was unsure about life. It's not like we don't talk, we just don't as much.

I've lost all respect for you and I don't know who you are anymore. And frankly, I don't care to know.

You frustrate and confuse me sometimes, but I really love you.

I wish you would listen to me, trust me, and agree with me on things.

I miss you, but you already know that because I let you know personally.

You're not who I thought you were and in some ways, it let me down.

It seems like maybe you're trying to turn your life around but I'm having a hard time accepting it because I'm so used to hating you.

Even though we don't see each other as much anymore, and even though a certain someone doesn't think we should be friends, I really, really love hanging out with you. You're still my best friend and we still have amazing times.

Some days, I look at you and think about everything we've been through together, but I can't get it to click in my mind that you are the same person that you were years ago, when you hurt me so badly.

I wish I was as carefree and creative as you seem to be. You inspire me.

I think if things would have gone a different way, I would have turned out to be just like you. Who knows, maybe I still will.

Yeeahhhh, I still don't like you. I don't think I ever will.


I don't know what I'm thinking right now. I'm hurting emotionally and I'm struggling with my own thoughts and feelings. I'm in one of those moods where genuinely all I want is to cry. I can't though because I'm already all congested and that would just make it worse.

Tomorrow, I'm going to push up on my goal.

Thought of the Day:
I wonder if I cross your mind as often as you cross mine.

I love the emotion in the bottom guy's face.


Friday, February 6, 2009

Girl, you so fiiiine

Well I WAS proud of myself until like 5pm :/

I tried really hard and got through the toughest parts only to give in at the end. Just as yesterday, I am deeply disappointed in myself. I must, must keep the strength to do this. I just have to.

I'm not sure how my weekend is going to go. I got to spend the afternoon with Colin and he just left, but I don't know if I get to see him tomorrow, since he has to do this catering thing. So let's make some plans or something !

I'm not so sure what to write now because I'm freaking tired and my eyes are burning for some reason.

I love you guys, though.

OH ! I got my A Day to Remember CD today :D I love it <3


Thursday, February 5, 2009

I miss the rush of your skin

I think I just had a realization and it hit me hard, real hard. I've been feeling things (I don't know for how long) that have confused me and made me question my sanity. Now, I think I finally understand and I hate it. I hate this theory of mine, although I'm pretty sure it's correct.

I feel sick with myself tonight. Tomorrow, I need to work harder to do what I want and in the meantime, I have no idea. I have the ability to piss a lot of people off right now. Either piss them off or let them down. I don't know. I still haven't done any homework yet.


I want to watch Fight Club.

And I miss you :(

So wrong, so right

I'm disappointed in myself. I'm not strong, I only pretend to be, or try to be. When it comes to certain things, I just melt before them, I'm weak to them. I need to try better tomorrow because I ruined my chances today.

I have aches today and I feel like my reading Fight Club is influencing my life a bit right now. I worry that people won't really like me if I were to be 100% honest with who I am. One thing that I do know is I think people should let other people do what they want and not try to stop them unless it's SERIOUS. You're not always going to agree with or like what people do, but if that's the way they live, let them live it. Sure, you might be against it or not understand it but *shrug* sometimes there's nothing you can do about it.

"Somebody turn the lights on, somebody tell me what's wrong. I'd be lying if I told you losing you was something I could handle."

Short blog right now, most likely. I'm in an extremely good mood but I'm also not feeling very sane at the moment.

Did I mention I'm disappointed in myself?


Wednesday, February 4, 2009

All the violent, sweet, perfect words that you said

I've decided that I love the fact that more and more people are swarming into this little pond of Blogspot. I used to be terrified of people; I was scared that they would look at me and be able to figure me out. As of right now, I am bursting with excitement. I can barely contain it behind my ribs and I am almost aching, trying to type out these thoughts as fast as I can, before they leave me.

I'm excited to share my mind with people, to pour out my soul to anyone who gives a damn. I don't want to be shy and keep things to myself. I'm ready to write what I want, to no longer be held back with the fear that I will scare people with my thoughts, my wishes, my everyday hopes.

Although, since I'm probably going to have more people following my jumbled rants, I would like to say something: I have a past. I have done things I am not proud of and I have lived through situations that permanently haunt my thoughts. I am not an optimistic thinker, unless I am trying to help other people. I am not a fan of myself and I can be rather cruel. I do not like to openly bash people so I rarely will name the subjects of my rants. I have a rather dark mind, so be prepared for shocking things.


Now that that's over with... Writing is starting to come easier to me again. I was struggling for awhile and that always puts me in a funk. I hate feeling restricted from letting all of my words out. Sometimes, I think that I get so stressed out that I physically can't release it. I'm unable to unleash my pains. Since writing has been my comfort for years, I function better when I'm able to do it and become satisfied with the work. For example, last night's blog about the bruises. I loved that, I was happy with that. As for other recent works: eh, not so much. I'm just glad that it's getting better.

I feel like I'm repeating myself. I think I'm typing too fast. I got too excited by all the new people :P

Okay, so after I got out of the shower tonight, I had a thought. I'm craving misery, self-chaos, and maybe pain. I'm going to be honest, it crossed my mind to skip food altogether tomorrow. Then, I remembered how I always get sick if I don't eat breakfast. Seriously, I'm a breakfast nut; if I don't eat it, I get nauseaus and feel all lethargic. Next, I craved that. I wanted that discomfort. It's like ever since I discovered some bruises that I had yesterday, I've been wanting it. I think that's okay though. I've been doing really good for a long time, keeping my thoughts on happy things and I have actually been rather optimistic lately. I think we're allowed the occasional thought of a masochist here and there, right?

You spin my head right round, right round, when you go down, when you go down down.

Flo Rida makes me happy.

Just like last night, I would like to say that my homework is complete, but it is not. I haven't even started actually. I've been too busy trying to perfect my hair. That's another thing! I've been really wanting to branch out on my look lately. I want to put more color in my hair, I would kill for a monroe piercing, and I'm fascinated with the thought of stretching my ears. The second two, my mommy isn't too happy with xD oh well, I'm trying to convince her.

"I am locked deep within my mind in the way that I turn left and right, unsure of which way to go. So many branches, so many directions that I can start down, all different outcomes. I can choose to cling desperately to these old homemade films that replay behind my eyes over and over, over and over, over and over. I can continue to walk through every single day, step after laborous step, breath after laborous breath. I can twist my tongue in ways that form hate to fall from my breath, like tiny bombs ready for attack. But who would love me if I became blind and spineless? What human would reach out for something so unsteady when they themselves are on the tips of their toes and at the edge? I sure wouldn't trust me with myself."

Oh, and I kind of hate the fact that I am so certain about something that it makes me sick.

I miss you.

I love you all <3 leave comments


Tuesday, February 3, 2009

The first rule of Fight Club is

I love bruises. I love how they act like temporary battle scars. People may see them, ask why they are there, and sometimes you even have a magnificent little story to tell. At the same time, they're slowly creeping off your skin. One day, they're like those self breast checks where the doctor tells you to feel for anything that seems like a grape in yogurt, or something of the like. They stick out like that, wide awake and screaming 'Here I am!' for anyone who happens to wander by. The next day, they're smaller, fading in their rude color. Before you know it, they're gone completely and your flesh is back to that monotonous pale shade.

I love bruises because they aren't permanent. You secretly enjoy this little reminder that you aren't perfect, that you've been hurt, whether you want to admit it or not. "Oh hey, look at this monster bruise I just got!" It's not like admitting to your best friend that you're dyslexic or you still wet the bed from time to time. I don't find them as imperfections, more as little reminders that we're alive, without permanent consequence. They show how easily we change, we move from one color to the next within a matter of days. It shows how we're so easily hurt, but as long as we ignore direct pressure to the wound, it will heal in no time. I love how they show that as strong as we may think we are, we're faulted. Even if only a tiny thing, for a short little time, we are weak.

I love bruises. I love the stories that come with them. I wrestled a ninja. This old lady attacked me on the street. I tried to punch a werewolf (stupid Jacob).

I also love scars, but that's a whole other story...

I'd like to say that I'm bright and wide awake right now, all my homework is done, and my lip wasn't bleeding. I would be lying, though. I can barely keep my eyes open, they burn so badly. I went through the entire day feeling like a zombie on the inside: so, so tired. I didn't do any geometry or english. I guess it will have to be done in first period Business. My entire mouth is so dry and cracked, every single time that I smile, I feel a little bit of blood leak out from the right side of my bottom lip, ripping open yet another flimsy scab.

Oh and my ear is bleeding too. Stupid gauges.

I kind of feel like a character in Fight Club currently, with my big rant about my passion for bruises and scars. Add in the fact that I'm bleeding in a few spots and you get a big mess of Tyler Durden, maybe.

Maybe self-improvement isn't the answer...maybe self-destruction is the answer

I don't know, maybe I'm just feeling slightly dark tonight. I'd rather think of it as deep thinking, though, because I'm in a good mood :) although I am very worn out.


Goodnight, loves.