Monday, February 16, 2009

I must be losing it, this can't be right.

I was supposed to work hard all weekend on make up work (four days worth). Whoops, guess I forgot. Man, I really wish I just had a little bit of care in the world for school. Nope. I have an F in AP World History again and I was going to try to turn stuff in before progress reports come out, but did I do any of it? Nope. What grade is going to flash itself before the eyes of my parentals? F.

F
F
F
F
F
F
F

I used to get all A's. Ha.

I'm not feeling well today. My mind is in constant motion; I can't sit still on one thought at all. I'm frustrated with everything (gotta love PMS). I'm sick of people. I was out today from four until eight and I just want to curl up in a ball and shut out the world. House hunting is fun, but not when you can't keep your mind FOCUSED and all you can do is feel angry and resentful, not open-minded to the bedroom in front of you that can soon be your own.

I'm dreading school tomorrow. Seriously, when don't I anymore? I hate it. I despise it. If it wasn't for a handful of people there, I would have been long gone by now.

People are making me angry today. Actually no, just one or two of them are. I hate myself today.

I'm having a hateful day.

You know those days where you try to get all snazzy looking and feel good about yourself but moments later, you're sitting there, picking out all the negative aspects of yourself in your head?

Yeah, I had one of those days. They make you feel so alone. Especially spending the day with your family. Your friends aren't there to keep your mind of things. No, instead your following your parents from house to house and watching as they ooh and ahh over this fireplace and that laundry room. You get so used to picking out the flaws of the home that your mind strays to attacking your own being.

I want to sleep.
I don't want to wake up tomorrow.
I want to cry.
I want a hug.

I can't be myself without certain things in my life. I may have good friends, a loving family, a house, food, material items; but without this ONE thing...

I kind of want to get beaten up. Knock my head back into place, make me think straight. Lately, I've felt ashamed, like God is unhappy with me and I don't know what to do about it.

I'm so frustrated with myself. I want three things right this second and I can only get away with one, and that's even risky.

I want to vent, to rant, but my thoughts are currently so personal that I'm afraid of blogging right now. I think I should just hit publish now, before I go into detail.

Thought of the Day:
I hate how you two consistently break my heart.

6 comments:

NittyWood said...

I LOVE YOU
feel better love.

love, Grace. said...

Hi ally.
Do you remember waaaaaay back when we lived in Caleb's Place and were pretty good friends?
Sometimes I do, and sometimes I don't.

Anyway, I'm sorry you had a bad day, feel better. :)

Sherihay said...

I wish I could be there for you more often.
I hate it when you feel like this because I feel so helpless; all I want is for you to be happy.
I love you more than you realize.

love, Grace. said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
love, Grace. said...

mmkay, so I have this thing where it bugs me to leave stuff unanswered, so, sorry. lol.

It was really long ago.

And thanks. :)
I really like your blog too. I get what you mean, that we kinda have a similar style of writing and stuff.
I love how you're eloquent about it, but your feelings still feel real.
:)


and it also bugs me when I make typos, so i removed the first version of this. xD

xBeautifulDreamerX said...

wow, i love you.
mr. bowling is my teacher. aha
<333
and i would fail that class, if bowling were a class. because i am quite terrible at bowling.