Friday, December 18, 2009

Ne me quitte pas, mon cher

I tried to focus on my heart. I tried to make sure that I wouldn't hurt anyone. I pulled myself away from the one person I was hurting the most and it became a mess. I didn't do it to make them mad... I didn't do it to be vicious. I did it because I wasn't in the right state of mind and I knew I was going to end up regretting something. I didn't do it for me, I did it for them. Now, we barely talk. When we do, it's one-sided. I try to make conversation, try to keep optimistic. I don't think they even know what to say to me anymore. It's all jokes.

I'm sorry if you're mad at me. I wish you could understand why I did what I did. I tried to warn you beforehand that my life was going to change. I feel like instead of standing ground and supporting me, you got angry and blamed the medication. I'm sorry if you feel like I became something horrible. The way we are now, is not what I wanted. If something happened to you and that was that, I would be devastated that our relationship was the way it was. I'm sorry that I hurt you, it was never my intention. We might have argued a lot and I might have been upset about things you did but, this isn't how I wanted it to turn out.

There was one thing in life that I thought I wanted more than anything. One thing that I constantly prayed for, tried to make happen every single day. And now that it's starting to, I'm not sure how I feel about it. It wasn't what I thought it would be. I think I got so used to wishing for it that once it finally came to me, I didn't know what to do. I love it but I don't. I want more of it, but I want to push away from it.

I miss the presence of my best friend, knowing he was there. I miss seeing him every day and I wish I saw him more. Any frustration, I could just talk to him about between classes as we walked together. I hope you know, I'm still here for you 110%. I'll still do anything for you and I love you. Please don't get discouraged by the fact that I'm not there right now. You still mean just as much to me and I can't wait to see you again.

I know that I'm capable of incredible things. I know that I have the intelligence and the heart to do anything that I want to do. I just don't know if what I want to do is considered acceptable. But I should say, to hell with what they think. Maybe my dreams don't have to be of education and work and money and material things. Maybe they used to be, but now maybe they're of finding beautiful things, living to the fullest I possibly can, and doing what people are scared to do. I think what scares me the most is knowing that I have the mind to be incredibly successful. It's like, I KNOW that, but my heart is saying, "Go have fun. See the world. You can do anything you want to do, it's your own version of successful." I think I would be happier in a small house in the mountains, waking up to the joy of what God has blessed me with, walking in the fresh air and enjoying nature all day than in a huge house with nice cars, big televisions, and expensive furniture.

What I think is successful? Ending each day knowing that I did what I wanted to do. I took risks, I dove straight for the happiness of my heart, followed what my soul was telling me. It's like waking up in the morning and thinking, "I'd really love to go to Europe." and then pulling on your work clothes and trudging off into morning traffic. I want to get up, pack a suitcase, and just go.

Maybe that's going to be my biggest challenge in life. Knowing that I should probably get an education, go to college, and get a big fancy job. Knowing that but instead doing something else. Take the time each day to watch sun come up, throw paint on the floor and jump around in it just for the pure childish joy of it. Or sleep all day, be up all night dancing around to music, cooking strange food, and laughing.

I feel like I'm wasting my time right now. Each day, I get up and do nothing. I'm going to fix this though. I only have to follow what I believe is right for me. It doesn't matter what other people think, if this is what I want, I'm going for it. And it is.

Monday, November 23, 2009

You are beautiful.

Tuesday, November 10, 2009

We're all okay

I miss Allie more than I imagined I would. And I feel really horrible right now. More alone than I've felt in a long time. Thank you, for doing that to me.

I will see clearly and breathe in warmth. I will relax in knowing that whatever has happened thus far is all a part of a plan. To help me learn and grown, to break me down and build me into something better. It hurts, a lot, but it will be worth it in the end, when I know what I know and feel what I feel.

There can be nothing better than that.

Monday, November 2, 2009

In all the right places

How many times do we hold our breath? We close our eyes, we sleep, we depart. Our souls are free of restriction. We sing, we dance, the universe available in our hands. We kiss the sky, breathe in the warmth of knowing all is well, we're going in the right direction, and we're constantly surrounded with love.

Our bodies are heavy with fear, pain, loss, anger, but our hearts stand through it all, constantly keeping us connected no matter how distant we are.

I love you <3

Monday, September 28, 2009

Just say what you want to say

I'm mad at life. School sucks, missing school sucks, medications suck, therapy sucks, doctors suck.

I'm not myself, haven't been in a few months. I don't write anymore, don't read anymore, don't do anything I enjoy. I've lost myself in a medicated abyss and I've become anti-social, irritated, pissed off at the world.

I wish I could for once get a doctor that at least pretended to actually care about me.

Thursday, August 20, 2009

Hold tight the night's air and breathe again

So school isn't that bad , so far. I just feel like I never see anyone ? Like at today's class meeting , it was the first time I saw about 80% of our class. Seriously , anyone else getting this ? I feel like I only ever see Nitty :P

I absolutely love my academy though , Health Sciences class is really interesting and probably my favorite class :D plus , the scrubs are so comfy.

So that anxiety thing... I finally went to the doctor for it and he recommended I get counseling. I have an appointment for that now , whoohoo. I got all my blood work done , too. Oh , I also had my first ever panic attack in school yesterday , that was fun.


I have to try so hard this year because I'm really close to being on the 'kick out' list of the school. I just want to erase the past two years so bad.

I still feel like people are weird right now. Oh well.

Nittywood and Grace's birthdays tomorrow ?! HOOOORAYYYY :D Lucky to have a birthday on FRIDAY. I think mine's on a Wednesday this year :P

<33333 I love you guys.

P.S. I miss you. Talk to me. Please.

Friday, August 7, 2009

Concepts of reality

I am so tired of people. I don't understand why everyone is changing. I miss hanging out with Arrie and Treva and Sheri and Nitty. I feel like they're the only people who know how it goes. Everyone else is like 'blah blah I was nice now I'm mean and I hate everyone'. Seriously ?

I don't know. I miss long , deep conversations with people. I miss feeling like people were normal and actually acted like they had hearts.

I try to care for every single human being. Whether they piss me off or I don't even know them. I try my hardest to care about them and love them. Why does it seem everyone is the opposite ? Hate everyone unless they like you or something. It's like everyone is just stuck in this little bubble of ignorance.

What's wrong with this place ? I swear. As soon as I can run...

Sunday, August 2, 2009

We walk along the crowded streets

You know those moments where things feel great and everyday feels exciting or fresh ? Then out of nowhere you feel like everything and everyone is a stranger and you don't understand what happened to you , why you feel the way you do. I can barely form the words in my own mind , my feelings are unreadable. I guess the easiest way to sum it up is to say that I simply don't understand. I'm tired of the constant ups and downs. I feel this constant weight of stress on me throughout the entire day.

Oh and my anxiety is ruining my life , completely. It started out with small things , not wanting to go into crowded places or be home alone. Now I'm terrified of my own home (with my entire family in it) , getting into cars , falling asleep , stupid things like that. I feel sick constantly. My heart beats so fast and I get so shaky that sometimes I swear I'll throw up on the spot. I'm trying so hard to get it under control but it's hard. One of my favorite things in the world used to be going on long car rides with friends and just talking and listening to music. I can barely leave my front porch now and the thought of getting in a car and going somewhere makes me feel ill. Even hearing people TALK about going somewhere makes my heart race.

Now more than ever , I really want to just run away. Though that contradicts horribly with my anxiety. I would never be able to leave. I'm not excited for anything anymore. School , people , my future. I feel so tired and weak , like I can barely take a step toward anything good anyway. I'm wasting every single day with mindless nothings. I don't even write anymore , my mind keeps locking up and straying into blank visions.

I want to take a stand and change myself , make things the way that I want them to be. I just don't know if I have the motivation yet.

Saturday, August 1, 2009

You never catch on

I need to change things. I keep telling myself that I will. I expect myself to wake up one day and just make it all better. I'm not getting anywhere , I'm stuck walking in complete circles. I'm slowly falling back into habits I had long forgotten. I already feel disgustingly overwhelmed at the thought of school starting in two weeks or so. I still need to read The Scarlet Letter and do whatever that stupid chart is. I still have to fix things and make it better for myself. Each day , my mind goes deeper into life contemplation and I'm never satisfied with the way that my thoughts turn. It's easy to act like everything's fine , but there's moments where I just want to scream and now is one.

I'm so sick of this , I want to throw up.

Tuesday, July 21, 2009

Hey hey hey

I'm feeling a bit better today. I went and worked out for a good forty minutes and then got Subway with my mom and brother and yeah , it's been good. My computer's in my dad's shop and has been since Friday because my video card went bad so he had to order a new one , I've been sneaking on the living room one when I get the chance :P

I really , really want to hang out with people ! I hope Arrie gets her license Thursday so we can haaaang and I want to hang out with Nitty as soon as possible.

I think I'm doing better , but I just don't know.

I feel like writing letters. I think you all should give me your address so I can write you a letter and we can go back and forth :D


<3 love you.

Monday, July 20, 2009

And I knew that you meant it

The past four days , I've felt so ugh. I have bad eye pain and headaches around my eyes and stuff. I'm dizzy , watching TV and being on the computer a lot makes me feel nauseous. My headaches last the entire day and are light sensitive. I'm barely hungry but stomach isn't holding anything down anyway :( and I'm all sweaty then cold and shakey and racing heart and I just don't feel good at all. I want to sleep until I feel better.

That is all.

Friday, July 17, 2009

For every 99 times you look me in the eye

I started out perfectly fine last night. I was happy , I had music blasting , I was doing surveys on Myspace , watching great shows on TV. Heck , I was even playing WoW. I couldn't have been any better. Things led to me trying to make someone feel better and feeling bad for them and before I knew it I was in the midst of one of the biggest breakdowns of my life thus far. Talk about pulling out hair , rocking back and forth , sweating , shaking madness. For two hours I paced my room , curled up in a ball , rolled around my bed , cried my eyes out , screamed into pillows , and ripped apart magazines and papers that may or may not have been important.

I try so hard to push things into the back of my mind , to keep up with this 'happy' because it's just so easy to make people believe that you're okay. "How are you ?" they ask , and it doesn't matter if you don't answer with a "Great !" or "Good". You can make do with an "I'm all right." and they won't press. It's just so much cleaner to leave it at that , no emotional mess to clean up or worry that you'll scare them away or accidentally let them get too close.

I try , believe me , I even convince myself at times that I'm perfectly fine , I am as happy and carefree as I seem. Sometimes I manage to forget that it's mainly an act. Then nights like last night happen and I realize that I'm so far from okay. I can't say "I'm all right." I don't reach that standard , not yet. Sure meltdowns can happen sometimes and it doesn't mean anything's wrong , but the thoughts that ran through my head and the things I had to do to keep myself calm are ridiculous and not in any means above the line of "okay".

There I was , stuck in this ramble of spitting out quiet complaints just as quickly as they popped into my mind. I wanted to scream as loud as I could , break things , but no , I had to be so quiet because it was four in the morning and fits are unacceptable at such a time. All of the fragile things in my room seemed to be begging me to lift them and throw them , shatter them. I had to go sit out in the living room so I wouldn't destroy anything , save the papers and magazines that I managed to get my hands on.

This morning I woke up and realized that things MUST change , they absolutely have to. It's not fair that I have forgotten about myself completely. I barely even take care of myself anymore. I feel I have to tiptoe around everyone as to not upset them. It can't be that anymore , it HAS to be about myself , it isn't fair that I'm constantly pushed aside or not taken seriously or just ignored. I can't deal with it anymore. And people seem to think that because I'm "happy" I don't have anything bothering me. Why does everyone assume that I'm just FINE , I'm grand , I'm doing amazing ?

You know , I'm just a really good liar apparently. So I guess I shouldn't blame anyone. I don't care how long ago something happened , how miniscule it was , who it involved , it doesn't matter , if I feel like I still need to focus on it and grieve over it , then I will. It isn't anyone else's job to say how I react to things and how long I take to accept them. The next time you wonder why I'm acting like a bitch or I'm not talking or something , take a minute to remember just exactly what I've been through.

I'm going to stop here because I'm getting mad and I'll just regret writing further. Goodnight.

Saturday, July 11, 2009

And all at once we say goodnight

I don't understand why people are so quick to attack their so called friends. It doesn't even anger me , it just makes me sad. I just don't get why people can't leave each other alone and let the other people do what they want. Who cares if someone wants to dance all day or read all day or play video games all day or sleep all day ? What is the purpose in being so inconsiderate and mean :(

We got another kitten today , she's a dark grey/brown/black tabby that is 10 weeks old and we named her Chleo. She's super cuddly but she's had diarrhea all day :(

I'm sososo excited for the 2 hour finale of Harper's Island tonight ! AHHHHH. Austin and I are going to text each other the whole time and I can't wait.

Thursday, July 9, 2009

From the depths of all belonging

I really need to start standing up to you. My goodness.

I feel like I'm wasting my entire summer by doing nothing. I want to be with people and do things and have FUN. I can't believe it's already July :(

I had a chain of really bad dreams this morning and it brought back memories and pain, made my day emotional , though I believe I hid it very well from people.

Random fact , thanks to Allie , I am way addicted to Caramel Steamers from Starbucks and if you ever happened to randomly buy me one because you love me so much , I would be so , so forever grateful <3

My thoughts are too scrambled today :O I love you.

Tuesday, July 7, 2009

You'll never see me again

I'm frustrated. I feel like so many of my friends are changing and acting weird in the most annoying ways possible. Everyone's changing everyone else and I feel like I'm sitting here , having no clue what has gotten into people.

There has never been a moment in my life where I wished for a rewind button so much. I know everything happens for a reason and people are in each others lives for reasons , but I hate it SO much. I just wish I could go back , take these people , and shake sense into them , not let them do this.

And they think their change is fine because they think they're fine but really , they're annoying and disgusting and just being stupid. They think they're the cream of the crop , but they don't understand how other people view them. But you know , they don't even care. They lost all care for how people view them.

Yeah that's fine. Go ahead.

What is wrong with everyone ?

I miss Arrie.

Friday, July 3, 2009

He said each day’s a gift and not a given right

I feel like I really need to break free and do my own thing for awhile. I'm being really hard on myself at the moment and I think I need to just stop everything and focus on really making myself happy. It's been months that I've constantly put myself down and blamed myself for things , let people control me and push my guard down. I've neglected myself for too long and it's not fair.

That's all I have to say today.


Saturday, June 27, 2009

To put my arms in fragile hands

What's wrong with you ? Why can't you just go for it , take what you want , be strong ? Why are you playing these games , constantly pulling people one way , pushing others another way. You're completely out of your mind , you say you're a good person , but people don't know how you really are. You're never satisfied , you can't just let things lie , you have to push for more and more. You can't make up your mind , your thoughts are horrible , and you play sick games with people. You lie , you cheat , you put up so many masks it's unbelievable. You'll easily pick an argument with someone you supposedly love. You're obsessive , you don't think before you speak , and you're ridiculous. You want what you can't have and you won't let that go. You'll push for it until the end of the world and you have no right to. You won't leave people alone , you just have to keep going until you get to the edge , and then you pause before you push some more. You're sick.

Friday, June 26, 2009

I really wanted

to see you tonight :(

Thursday, June 25, 2009


You're irritating me so badly. I swear , we've been through this before , talked about it before. I want to just YELL at you until you get everything I'm saying through your head. Every time I confront you about it , you start doing something else or act like you aren't listening , or like you don't even care.

You're really , really dancing on my last nerve. Be careful or you WILL lose me.

Jeronimo !

I can't believe I actually started playing WoW :P nuts. So lately I've been outtawhackawhack ! Like , with sleep. I'm up until the sun comes up or a little later , I fall asleep , I either wake up at like 8 or 9 , or 4pm XP I don't mind it too much , but mama doesn't appreciate it , lawl.

My brother is like 10 times worse though ! He'll stay up until 7 , sleep until 5 , stay up until 6 , sleep until 4 , and believe me , he is IMPOSSIBLE to wake up.

:) so Nittywood was supposed to come over today but he didn't :( I reallllly want to hang out with people. I wish I had a car. Or a license. Or a permit xD

I'll work on that.

Charlie Sheen makes me lol.

You know what I love ? 7:20am voicemails <3 srsly , the mega shiz.

Ah man , I'm tired XP

Nothing else is really going on right now , just day after day of getting up late , being lazy , playing videogames , and that's about it :) but yes , let's make plans for something.



Saturday, June 20, 2009

Harper's Island

Raise your hand if you watch Harper's Island !

Oh my goodness , I love that show so much it's unbelievable. It's SO hard to figure out and all full of blood and murder and mystery and BAM !

Harper Spam:

So in case you don't watch it, it's about this girl named Abby Mills who used to live on Harper's Island. When she was like 18 or something, a man named John Wakefield murdered 7 people on the the island, one being her mother. He strung them up in a tree that the people now call the Tree of Woe. Abby's father was so upset that he sent her away. Seven years later, she comes back for her best friend Henry's wedding to the girl of his dreams, Trish Wellington. The wedding was supposed to be a big party that lasted a week and then the wedding was to be on the last day or so. However, guests start disappearing and they soon find out it's murders and there's this whooooole plot and one or two or three people die each episode and you have to find out who it is :D !

It's really an edge-of-your-seat kind of thing and it's SO hard to figure out what is happening.

Okay , let's chat <3

Tuesday, June 16, 2009

I've got to find my life

I feel like I should be so incredibly sorry. For everything , for nothing , I'm not even sure. And I find I'm repeating myself with that , so many I-don't-knows. I suppose I'm just in transition , I feel like I'm changing , I feel like everything is shifting. It just feels weird. I want to grab onto so many things and fix things and just make it all work.

I feel like I need to stretch , I'm so tense , I'm so frustrated , I almost feel like I just need that breakdown to start fresh again. Like I need to just explode , cry , scream , everything , and then relax and figure things out.

I feel like I'm doing a really bad job at being myself. Everything is strange and I hate it.

It's like halfway through June and I've done barely anything. I want(ed) an amazing summer , can we please make it happen ?

And I'm infinitely sorry. For everything.


I'm wrong , I have no idea what I'm talking about . I'm too young , I'm too old , I'm too dependent.

I'm sorry. I can't win , I'm trying. I can't make connections with anything , I don't know.

I'm rambling. I don't even know what I want to say anymore.

Sunday, June 14, 2009

I tried so hard and got so far

but in the end , it doesn't even matter. I had to fall , to lose it all , but in the end , it doesn't even matter.

( You should listen to this while reading because I listened to it while typing )

Why do I seem to have such a hard time accepting that things are just the way they are ? There can be absolutely no going back , no sense in wishing things had played out differently. People say that there is always time to fix things , it's never too late , but sometimes it just doesn't happen that way. You work and work and work and try as hard as you can to push things back into place and though the pieces may cooperate for a moment , you soon find it won't fit together the way it used to. It's not the same , everything has shifted and you will never again have this perfect little picture that you knew.

It's not fair that certain events just ripple through everything and create such unsettling results. Relationships that once meant the world to you and seemed so strong , crumble , just like that , with no warning. Sometimes I feel like I'm the only one who cares , like I'm the only one who isn't making excuses , like I'm the only one who really remembers.

I feel sick , watching everything around me. I will never understand how people seem to just forget things , or how they are able to at least put up that act. I remember everything , but people seem so confused when I bring things up from the past. It's like , how could you forget ? How can I say something in reference of it to you , and you just reply with "What?" How on Earth do you FORGET or even ACT like it ?

I hate feeling like everybody just moves and I'm standing here with my arms up , like what the heck is going on ? I HATE feeling like I'm fighting so hard for nothing. Why should I try then ? Because I believed the promises ? Because I don't want to forget ? Because I'm stupid ?

I don't even know anymore and I'm tired of that stupid feeling. I wish I could just understand what people wanted.

Tell me , what do you want from me ? Really.

This is about so many things. I feel so tense with emotions , I'm so about to just explode and I can't tell if it will be in anger or sadness. I think people expect too much from me.

I hate how you act so oblivious or like I'm stupid. How you tell me to quit being dumb because that's not how you taught me. You really don't realize how much that bothers me , do you ? You want to know what you've taught me ? Really ?

Can't anybody see how HARD I'm trying ?! It would be so easy to just lie in bed all day and do absolutely nothing. NOTHING. It would be easy to forget about everybody and everything and just sleep forever. But I don't because I want things to WORK , I want people to go back to how they were , I want everything to just be GOOD.

You tell me I need to forget , I need to get over it , I need to not think about it , I need to accept it , I need to use it for my advantage. I NEED YOU TO SHUT UP. Nobody knows , nobody understands , and I don't want anyone to. But the jokes , the talk , when I'm sitting RIGHT THERE. You could at least be careful with what you say.

Half of the people tell me I'm so strong for what I've been through , that they wouldn't have been able to do it if they had been in my shoes. Then when I have any sort of breakdown , I just get from people that it's in the past and I need to not think about it. Not think about it. Sure. I'll get right on that.

My past up to this point HAS made me incredibly strong and will continue to. When I'm ready. Not when you think I'm ready , not when you're sick of hearing it. When I'm ready.

I'd like to add that I'm sorry when I act immature , stubborn , or bitchy. I don't mean to bother you.


Sunday, June 7, 2009

Painted faces fill the places I can't reach

I'm tired of people and the way they act. I'm tired of feeling disgusted by human beings everywhere I look. I want conversations with people who care, who view the world through the same pair of eyes that I do. I want to hear from someone who wants to change things, who won't settle for the flow of what people have set up to be their lives. There's only a handful of people who aren't getting on my nerves right now.

I'm tired of feeling so helpless. I feel like I'm a little girl again, waiting for mommy to hold my hand so I can cross the street. I feel ashamed that I have to take a sleeping pill before I go out, to keep my anxiety down, and that I now take Valium. I hate that I have to beg people not to take me certain places or not to leave me because I am terrified. I'm tired of trying to explain to people that I don't know why I'm scared, I just am. I'm sick of walking by people and holding my breath. I'm tired of crying because there is no one around and I'm paralyzed with fear. I'm tired of having friends laugh at me because they don't understand why I'm too scared to go places with them or be without an adult.

I'm REALLY tired. <---- please go here for my tumblr <3 ?

Friday, June 5, 2009

Hold your breath and count to ten

I'm really glad I finally got to hang out with friends today :) even though it was a complete pain in the butt to get Austin -.- srsly man , why live in Tavares ?

Treva and Arrie and I went to Orlando just to go to Oakley and pick up Treva's like , $500 key or something :P As much as I hate the actual Orlando part , I loooove the car rides. The scenery there is really pretty once you're on that long stretch of road. It's my favorite place to take videos on my phone while blasting music on the radio. Ha , we especially had a fun time clapping like crazy and dancing like mad while people stared at us from their cars on every side XP

I want to go to Austin's house tomorrow , maybe the boyfriend will take me ? :P

My anxiety is out.of.control. I had to get something that holds the equivalent of Valium, which the hospital gave me before my MRIs and after my surgeries and stuff. At their doses , I'm sooooo calm. On Valium , it's like you still are aware of any possible fear , but it like doesn't allow you to feel it , if that makes any sense.

But I dunno , hard to explain.

I'm excited to go see The Dear Hunter next Wednesday :D yaaaaaaaa baby.

Let's talk <3

Wednesday, June 3, 2009

It's written all over the place

I want an amazing summer. I want to remember all of it. I want to shake off the pain of this past year, forget it all for two months. I want to have fun. I want to be with people, always.

Let's make like 8,000 plans, starting now !

I think I'm going to hang out with Austin and Arrie Friday, possibly Hooly too.


These past 2 days, I haven't even gotten dressed xD it's pathetic, I've simply lazed around, doing like nothing.

Across the Universe just came on. I don't like this movie :( That blonde chick has too deep of a voice. And the asian is funny looking.

Okay, text me, seriously ! Comment if you need my number :D

<3 Oh. And I love my mother to death, but sometimes I wish she wouldn't come talk to me about EVERYTHING. Like the fact that my dad argues with her over financial issues, or that my brother isn't being promoted to seventh grade. Why does she feel the need to call and check up on me throughout the day, only to then add before she hangs up, these little details of my family that I don't want to hear? Sometimes, I wish she left me out of that loop. It makes me hope she doesn't go telling my dad and brother everything that goes on with me.

This song gives me the biggest chills, it's amazing. If you've never heard it, go here:

Help, I have done it again

I have been here many times before

Hurt myself again today

And, the worst part is there's no-one else to blame

Be my friend

Hold me, wrap me up

Unfold me

I am small

and needy

Warm me up

And breathe me

Ouch I have lost myself again

Lost myself and I am nowhere to be found,

Yeah I think that I might break

Lost myself again and I feel unsafe

Be my friend

Hold me, wrap me up

Unfold me

I am small

and needy

Warm me up

And breathe me

Monday, June 1, 2009

And at last take a breath

I'm so excited for the SIMS 3 tomorrow. Mama says she's gon try real hard to get it for me asap :D YAYAYAYAYAYAY.

Today was chill. I didn't get out of my PJs, I played SIMS 2, watched movies, ate s0uP. All that fun stuff. I'm still sick, but I'm getting better.

By the way, if you don't already follow/watch my Tumblr, you should !


I hate the Clearasil commercials. "Warning, Clearasil may cause confidence." and then the person like walks up to the opposite sex and does something daring. Yeah, right. OH LOOK MY PIMPLE DISAPPEARED, NOW I CAN GO USE THAT GUY'S SUNGLASSES AS A MIRROR AS I APPLY MY LUSCIOUS RED LIPSTICK.

Go to Youtube, search 'Gummy Bear song' and click the Long English Version, if you've never seen these before. Srsly, I was like :Ding and dancing to it for ten minutes. It makes me so happy.

Love you <3

P.S. You know you're a BlogSpot kid whenever you're jamming to music and you listen for lyrics that would make good blog titles ;D

(am I the only one who does that?)


Thursday, May 28, 2009


I know you'll see this and you'll probably roll your eyes or laugh at it. But I need you to actually listen to me. I refuse to believe that you really mean everything you say to me lately. You're not yourself, you're different, I don't care what you say. Maybe you haven't changed with everything, but you have certainly changed with me and I want to know WHY. I want to know why you randomly shut me out, gave me a bs reason for it, said you'd fix things, and still have yet to make me feel any better about any of it. Everytime we talk, all you do is laugh with those stupid 'lols' every five seconds, it's like our conversations simply amuse you. You have to know somewhere in that mind of yours that what you're doing isn't fair at all. You act so different towards me, I can't stand it. And no matter how much I tell myself that there's nothing I can do about it, I can't help but feel frustrated.

It's not fair that you leave me with no real answer and saying that I just needed to be independent is bull and you and I both know it. I want a real conversation with you. Do you have any idea how sad it makes me that when I feel like breaking down, my first thought to go to is you, and then I stop myself because you're so different, I don't even want to tell you my problems anymore? Your advice is different. Your thoughts are different. I don't understand who you're trying to act like this for or why you are doing it.

So, as much as you lol at me and ignore me, I believe that in some small, unaffected part of your brain, you realize that what you're doing to me is wrong and that you need to FIX it. I'm not sitting here complaining that you aren't here for me for every little reason. It just really SUCKS to me that I feel I can't even be myself around you anymore. I don't care what you're going through or what I am going through, you PROMISED me that we would always have each others backs and right now, you don't. When you avoided me, I continued to give you support that you didn't really need apparently. Even when I'm at my lowest and you haven't talked to me in weeks, I text you and give you encouragement or try to help you in someway.

You're not giving me anything back and I'm really, really sick of it. I'm tired of saying that I'm simply sad over it because it's at the point now where I feel you're being really selfish. You can obviously make room for some people in your life, damn it, make room for me. Me, of all the people that you choose to shut out. Knock some sense into yourself.

Wednesday, May 27, 2009

There's a moment in time and it's stuck in my mind

You know, one of the things that I hate most about myself is the fact that I am purely terrified of being independent. It's so hard for me to even try to do. I notice that when doing things, I always look at other people to see how they're doing it. I hate going places by myself. I hate solo activities. If I can choose to do something in a group, I will. I'm so scared of doing things by myself for some reason and that worries me for my future. I always seem to rely on the opinions of others, no matter what I'm thinking or how I feel about it. I never thought of myself as weak, really, just that I'm ridiculously dependent on people and I despise it.

I admire the people who are able to make decisions on their own and speak their thoughts so freely. I used to think I could do that but it's becoming more and more apparent to me that I'm really not independent at all. If I can ask for help, I will. If someone's willing to help me with work or something, I'll ask them to. If someone asks me to do them a personal favor, it scares me, I have to ask the opinion of someone else. There's so much that I want to do but I don't think I could possibly do it alone, even if I wanted to.

If I have to go somewhere, I feel anxiety at the thought of having to go alone. If I have to do a project by myself, I'll constantly ask people how they're doing it, watch them, and then twist my project to make mine fit theirs a little more because I feel I can't do it right and they can.

I can't seem to freely do anything on my own and that makes me frustrated and embarrassed.


Also, my anxiety has been in serious high-gear lately. It's making me feel sick. Everywhere I go now, I notice I'm ALWAYS scanning the area. Everyone looks suspicious to me. Everyplace seems terrifying. I avoid going places with people because I'm SCARED. I wish it would stop.

I kind of feel like a big mess right now.

I want to go there... but I could never go alone.

Monday, May 25, 2009

I want to feel it in my bones

Have you ever had an emotional pain that hit you hard and killed you for a few days? And then when it comes back, it hurts and hurts, but for some reason you welcome it? For reasons you don't know? But then it gets to the point where it comes back so often that you almost feel sick because of it and you're tired of it? But then you feel like you shouldn't be tired of it?

I don't know, I'm rambling.

I'm dreading school tomorrow. Why? It's like nothing.

How is it that I just had an amazing day with Hooly and Arrie, and I feel like I could curl up in a ball and cry my eyes out?

I feel like I have so much pent up frustration, numbness, anger, and like I want to fix everything, but I don't have the time to. Like, accepting what happened, forgiving people, all of it will take a lifetime.


I think I'm going to go to bed.

Wednesday, May 20, 2009

I'm so afraid, I can't hold on this time

Thats why I write, to let you know
Just what goes on

'Cause this is me, and everything I've dreamed
And you know that I can't just settle for anything

Just once more can we pretend that everything is okay
And that we are all happy

Breathe hope in me
I need you
I try so hard to make this work in my life
I still believe in you

Play that faster and maybe they will move to our sound
This is the way its supposed to be
Coming together, on the dance floor will
You light the scene

Sing along
This is your favorite song
And we'll play along
'Cause you're the reason I'm alive

Close your eyes
Sit back and relax, we'll be okay
Time and time again,
I'll pray you're looking back
By the wake

So here we, we are, again (x4)

Close your eyes
Sit back and relax, we'll be okay
Time and time again,
I do hope you come back
By the wake

Close your eyes
Sit back and relax, we'll be okay
Time and time again,
I'll pray you're looking back
By the wake
By the wake
By the wake


A lot of these lyrics sum up my current feelings. Goodness, I love A Day to Remember so much. I love this weather. I love that school is almost over.

I hate the fact that we have another week left. I hate that I'm positive I didn't get at least a 75 on my AP World History final. I hate that I missed so much school. I hate that I have to go every single day aching and feeling empty for something that no one else can understand, and barely anyone actually cares. I hate that that sounded selfish in my head, because that's not how I meant for it to come out.

Okay, I'm done.

By the way. If you see me in school, attack me, and ask for my yearbook, because otherwise, I'll forget, okay? I just went comma happy, YAY.


LeT's TaLk GuIz

Monday, May 18, 2009

All live off the lust and misfortune of others.

1. I miss the old you so much. Now it just makes me sad to look at or think about you.
2. I would do ANYTHING to change the way things went.
3. I want to help you in any way that I can. I'm not sure if you just don't want my help, or if you really just aren't sure about things. I love you a lot and I hope you honestly realize I would do anything for you.
4. I'm sorry. I try really hard to like you, but I can't.
5. What? What the heck? What are you doing?
6. I recently realized that I don't know if you're going away for college or not. If you are, it's going to break my heart because I never realized how much I rely on you every single day.
7. All I want more than anything is for us to be back to normal. Everything feels weird now and I don't know how to react to it. I feel like I can't be myself around you anymore and that hurts more than anything.
8. Whenever I'm having a crappy day and feel like sulking, I can never hide smiles from you, because you just make me so happy.
9. I know we disagree a lot and argue over petty things but I love you more than you could imagine.
10. I hope we finally learn to stop bouncing back and forth and we land on the side where we have amazingly fun times together because you mean a lot to me.
11. I trust you so much and look up to you a lot.
12. I'm still here for you.
13. I wish I had the strength to leave you behind.
14. I would drop everything in the world for you and I hate feeling like a fool for it.
15. I need you in every way. I won't hide my hunger for you because it's not something to be ashamed of. I need your guidance, your love, your everything. Please be there for me.


Sunday, May 17, 2009

To the delirious eye, more lovely things

Though I turn, I fly not -
I cannot depart;
I would try, but try not
To release my heart.
And my hopes are dying
While, on dreams relying,
I am spelled by art.

Thus, the bright snake coiling
'Neath the forest tree
Wins the bird, beguiling,
To come down and see:
Like that bird the lover
Round his fate will hover
Till the blow is over
And he sinks - like me.
I love poetry, I love stories, I love it all. I've missed writing so much. gM#$T#T)#MGM) I'm just like filled with joy over sitting here and reading my huge Edgar Allan Poe collection book. 1023 pages of pure Poe genius. I'm in love.

I really don't want to go to school tomorrow, I had such an amazing weekend. I can't wait for summer and all the super fun times. I took about 38 videos today of car rides and Olive Garden :D I'm excited to upload them.

I love, love all of you. And expect more writing in the near future from me ;D

Friday, May 15, 2009

That just goes to show that some words are useless

I want to study psychology for the reason that I crave the understanding of human beings. Why we act the way we act, do the things we do. When one man meets the eyes of another, why would his eyes stray from his? How does one know when a friend is lying? Through the twitch of their palm, hold of their gaze, shape of their mouth? I want to be able to look at a person and KNOW. I want to read them, feel their emotions radiate against my own flesh. I want to grasp the thought process. I love hands. I love watching them as a person talks, drives, walks, writes. I mainly adore eyes. I love eye contact and that moment where you and the other person are locked subconsciously in a soul search, through which the simple-minded cannot understand. It's amazing when two people lock eyes as they speak through only their irises alone. One does not need words in such situations. It is best to let the blink of your eyes tell the story for you. Lips ache to tell only lies with the occasional truth here and there, whether people are willing to accept such a thing or not. It is much more relevant to forget the use of our tongues at all, but to only communicate through our glances, emotions, and movement. Our minds are too small and weak to even form true words of love anyway. So it's best, I believe, to let your soul speak through other means. We are amongst creatures that we cannot understand. We all speak different languages. So why not ignore that, if not just for one day? Ignore the idea that you believe you have the right words to say. You don't, we don't. Why do you think we stutter, stumble over our language so much? Words mean close to nothing these days, so I say lift up your hands, clench your teeth, and walk with your thoughts. It's much more beautiful to watch a flower bloom than to hear a car come to life. We're so far onto the concrete, so far off the dirt of which we belong. The least we could do is rest our poorly educated mouths for a day and let your beings do the talking. Even in heat, our hearts are cold with misunderstanding. Only the power given to our souls can push natural warmth through our very heart and veins. Then we will again breathe clean, fresh air that is not tainted by the hollow breath from the throat of those full of angry speeches.

I don't know. I love you <3

Thursday, May 14, 2009

Well she's still around

I'm really just at the point where I just don't have any idea. I'm opening my eyes and realizing more and more about the world and people inhabiting it. Most people really want an education, a job, money, a big house, a nice car, tons of things. I'm not saying this is WRONG, so don't get ahead of me, here. I'm simply saying that I'm discovering that I'm pretty opposite of that. I no longer dream of getting into an excellent college, working a top-notch job, and getting tons of cash. I no longer yearn for lots of material things. I'm wanting people and love to surround me. I'd rather be in a tiny home surrounded by my favorite people than in a mansion with a flatscreen and convertible. I'm noticing so much more about my deepest wants. All I really want is happiness, but in the form of friendship and love and carefree fun. I don't want to feel like I have to spend my life in working hard when I don't want to. Sure, I'll get a job and I'll make money, but I don't want to make it my life. I want to focus on the people around me and having adventures with them and discovering new things.

Like, I said, please don't get the wrong idea. I'm not in any way bashing people who do want to go to a great college, get big jobs, make money, and all that stuff. That's TOTALLY FINE :) it's just not my dream and I'm noticing that now.

I had a bad night again, though :( I keep crying. This keeps happening and all I can do is pray about it continually. I really want to have a great summer. I feel like this year was a big ball of stress and I just want to stretch out, look to the sky, smile, and let go.

I miss so many people :(


Wednesday, May 13, 2009

Find your way into my heart

I'm getting sick of repeating that I want to skip through the entire month of May, but it is so so true. I was talking with Colin today and we made the realization that he's really simple minded and I'm a really deep-thinker and I over analyze, thus the reason we are often so baffled at each others' actions. I guess that's why I get so :O at other people, because I feel like they're so little-minded that they just... I don't even know ! I guess I get frustrated with people easily. It seems like so many people at school are this way. I'm not trying to say my boyfriend is like them ! That's not my point at all. I'm just making a statement that I think I realized that's why I have low tolerance for many people. They're just so bleh.

"What would it take
For things to be quiet
Quiet like the snow

I know, this isn't much
But I know I could, I could be better

I don't think I deserve it,

Find your way into my heart
All stars could be brighter
All hearts could be warmer

What would it take
For things to be quiet
Quiet like the snow

Are we meant to be empty handed
I know I could, I could be better

I don't think I deserve it,
Find your way into my heart
All stars could be brighter
All hearts could be warmer

What would it take (for things to be quiet, find your way into my heart)
What would it take (for things to be quiet, find your way)

What would it take, for things to be quiet"

I love that song so much <3 I wish I was as strong as I so apparently seem to be. I'm tired of being so scared of showing my true emotion, that I fake happy all the time. I still want a break. I want such a long break from everything. I hope summer does that for me. I'm so glad school's almost over.

AllieWag is amazing, by the way. She's been helping me so much lately and I'm so glad that God led me to her.

I hate that super lonely feeling you get when you realize that you have every reason to be upset. You kno
w, sometimes you feel sad and feel like you have no reason to be. But once you realize that there IS a reason? It's like this big rush of "Oh my God, I was right." and this huge, sinking, lonely feeling.

I just need a big hug <3

Tuesday, May 12, 2009

I just want to hold you

Dear Stupid May,

You are the cruelest month for going by so slow, when I want you to go by so fast. Speed up, please, or let me fall asleep until you are over.

Thank you.

Monday, May 11, 2009

God, I want to dream again.

Why am I so continuously stupid? You'd think I'd learn, really, you would.

Sunday, May 10, 2009

I have nothing to say

Other than the fact that I can't stand feeling like I'm doing good with my life, and then being shot down. I never land on my feet, I stumble and struggle and it takes me a long time to get back up again.

I hate this.

I love you.
I miss you.
I don't want to talk to you.
I feel hurt by you.
I want to know you.
I want to forget you.
I want to hold you.
I want to shake you out of who you've become.
I want to run away with you.
I want to scream at you.
I can't stand you.
I want to care for you.
I wish I could ignore you.
I know I shouldn't feel any of this.

Saturday, May 9, 2009

How is that a dog toy?

The weekend has been going wonderfully so far. After school yesterday, I went home with Austin and we complained about little kids xD cause his seven year old sister had a birthday party with like 5 other little girls over. Man. I forgot how loud 7 year old girls can scream :O

But it was a fun night :D I played Gears of War 2 with his brother, Trace, and we walked down to the dock and ran from blind mosquitoes, and computered, and FML'd, and broke a mirror, and painted, and took a walk, and ate pizza.

The best part though, was when we tried to go to sleep xD Colin, Austin, and me, all squished into Austin's bed. Colin kept farting. Austin and I were so loud, we annoyed Colin to the point where he went out and slept on the couch in the back room. That was at like 2:30, and Austin and I stayed up talking and laughing and being retarted for about 2 more hours. YEEEEH :D And today Colin said he was on the couch and was like WTF cause he could still hear us through the walls xD and we were apparently being louuud :P

It was a blasty blast.

Now, I'm at Colin's and he's naked :O jk he has a towel on. And we're going to go out on the boat and pick up Austin on it :D then ride around for awhile, then go to my house so I can shower and get cleeaaan and then dunno, until ELLEN BOO'S PARTY TONIGHT :D


Let's text, babes.


Thursday, May 7, 2009

Got five fingers on each hand for every mistake that I've made

ArrieWag, you make my mornings 8,000x better than they are supposed to be and I love you <3

NittyWood, you're my best friend and I love you lots and I gon go to your house tomorrow and we gon go see Arrie? <3

I'm really glad that it's almost the weekend. It seems like since this is the last month of school, it's going by super slow. Am I the only one who feels that way? Sigh. I want to write a lot, and I keep getting story ideas, but I never have the time to write them down. Bigger sigh.

I want to text moar people ! If you text... and you've never texted me... that's a problem, let's make it happen :D !
Gimme yo numba, baby ;D

<33 I'm in a good mood, but I can't stop talking in a British accent.

AND KUBIK AFTER SCHOOL, LAWL. Austin and I were staring at him through the window on his door and he hid under his desk and kept randomly popping up. So we started hiding under the window and popping up. So he got some random giant stick and taped a picture of a squirrel to it and kept making IT pop up. It was so funny :D

I hope you guys had good days. But srsly, the texting thing :D


Tuesday, May 5, 2009

All of my memories keep you near

You're breaking my heart.
I want to sleep.
I don't want to wake up.
I want to lie under the stars for an entire night, even seek them out in the daylight.
I'm cold internally.
The sky looks so easy to reach into.

I want someone to walk with me, so far away from here. I want all my teachers to stop yelling at me. I want people to stop telling me what to do. I wish I could tell people that I'm not okay, that I need to be left alone, and that their arguing and lecturing isn't going to help.

I want people to stop telling me it will be okay.

I want people to stop pretending they understand.

I want people to stop expecting so much from me.

I want to stop caring what everyone else wants.

Monday, May 4, 2009

Thursday, April 30, 2009

We're moving forward, we're moving forward

This picture makes me smile a lot. That was such a fun day <3 I like thinking back to that time. I love James, Austin, And Kristina ;D

I had a really, really crappy day. I was dead throughout most of it, I didn't sleep well last night. At all. I got home today and I took too long of a nap. My eyes burn. My head kind of hurts. I want to curl up into a ball and hide under the covers until Summer comes. Maybe.

mg904mg0932mg302mg3gem3-t5n3205nj203b5@#U@#(%j1v24j12094j21j412j. I don't really want to talk.

A Day to Remember calms me down incredibly. They put me to sleep last night and got me through the day <33

Why's this make me so nervouuuuss?

Wednesday, April 29, 2009

Are you even listening when I talk to you?

"Do you even care what I'm going through

Your eyes stare and they're staring right through me
You're right there but it's like you never knew me
Do you even know how much it hurt
That you gave up on me...

I'm feeling anti-social and it's getting worse each day. I don't want to talk to anyone, it takes so much energy just to text people. So, I'm sorry if I seem empty toward you or like I'm mad at you or something. I'm really not. I just don't feel like being all up and talkative right now. I wish I felt okay with that though. I constantly feel like people expect me to talk so much and be the person to make them laugh and say the most random, stupid things. I feel like if I'm not hyper or laughing/talking all the time, I'm disappointing people or they constantly ask me if I'm okay.

I'm alive. Not necessarily okay, but alive, and right now I just need to keep to myself. It doesn't mean I absolutely won't talk to you. You can still text me, approach me, comment me, IM me, anything. Just don't expect a long conversation, or much participation on my end. Sorry.


So is your phone dead, are you sick, or are you just avoiding me?

Tuesday, April 28, 2009

So we'll pretend it's all right

I don't think you have any idea how badly it frustrates me that I don't know what to expect from you anymore, or what you expect from me.

i miss nittywood.

Sunday, April 26, 2009

It's almost May again

And each day gets closer and closer to a panic attack.

Saturday, April 25, 2009

If I may add my input here...

I kind of think the whole ordeal is sad. I'm thoroughly disappointed. I thought all of us blogspot people had this little weird connection because we shared our deepest thoughts, frustrations, and hopes with each other, without so much as speaking one word to each other in school. It upsets me to see how quickly we all claw at each other's throats :/

I think it all should just be forgotten. I agree with Kristina in the way that with your blog, you shouldn't have to be afraid of what you say. It's WHERE you vent. We vent about our families, teachers, friends, and then give each other support and say we love each other. Then someone says something that we feel is directed towards US and not other people, so we get defensive and immediately start arguing and say really rude things.

I don't like it and I don't think that's very fair.

I almost feel like maybe I should be more careful with what I post now, for I surely don't want to cause so many people to get angry.

I'm not, at all, trying to start another episode over on my blog now. Please, don't get that idea. My whole purpose of this post is to try to get everyone to calm down, think rationally, forgive, and forget.

We all can say things out of frustration. I think as 'friends' we should accept that about each other. Even if you don't agree with it. I know every single one of you has at one point said something I didn't agree with. I never bashed you out. I only think of positive things to tell everyone.

Can we get over this? Please? I don't like it and frankly, it does make me sad :(

Thursday, April 23, 2009

Tuesday, April 21, 2009

Let me hear you screaming just for me

I want answers, is that really so horrible? I'm tired of constantly questioning and begging to hear words instead of silent waves of emotion and urges that I can't control.

Whose dreams are these that flood my mind, because they surely don't belong to me. I've had a taste but my soul yearns for the entire meal, handed to me on a plate of certainty with a smile that says yes, everything will in f
act be just fine. I no longer belong to myself and all I hear are strange voices constantly caressing my thoughts, forcing my lips open in a dance of this language I have never once heard from a body so young. The amount of times you have seen the sun set should not amount to your ability to embrace love and feelings, to harness belief into your own hands and bring a garden through the cement.

I'm tired and my throat hurts :/

Monday, April 20, 2009

If it makes you feel any better


Purely Sims :D

Simmies Update :)

Last time, I told/showed you Lilly and her husband Tripp and their newborn baby Aiden.
Here's some pictures! (click to see them larger)

That's Aiden as a child.

Lilly became a witch :D It actually showed on the game, for her name, 'Lilly Robin the Atrociously Evil Witch' It was awesome.

She got pregnant again and had a baby girl named Emory. I was working at my church on Sunday, in the 5 year olds class, and there was this ADORABLE little girl with that name :)

Emory is my favorite of the two children. She was such a cute toddler, too, don't you think !

As a child :)

Aiden turned into a teenager like 3 days after Emory was born :)
He's all right, but I don't like him AS much xD

This is his girlfriend:

Her name is Raelyn Shea :D

Oh and they moved out of their way-too-expensive apartment and into this house right before Lilly had Emory:

I love it, it's amazing, even if I had to use a SMALL money cheat to get it ;D

Random Pictures:

Tripp in the new kitchen. It has the BEST lighting ever in there, like Carrabba's :)

I eventually got tired of Lilly being green (since she was evil) so I made her study the 'ways of light' and she went from Lilly Robin the Atrociously Evil Witch to Evil Witch to Mean Witch to just plain Lilly Robin the Witch now :)

Lilly and Tripp are going to be Elders in like 3 days :( I'm so sad.

Aiden swinging Emory around :)

That's it for nowwww :D Sorta long, sorry.
Oh and Tripp is almost to the top of his career and Lilly is not far behind <3

Comments GOGOGO!