Wednesday, December 31, 2008

To Write Love on Her Arms

I feel disconnected today, as if I'm watching the world from the other side of a fuzzy TV screen. I discovered that I find much comfort in the TWLOHA blogs. I added them on myspace because I say I'm for the organization, but I never really did anything. I ignored all of the bulletins, like I do most companies or organizations that add me. However, last night I hit a low. I got stuck in a dark point that I haven't been in for a long time. It scared me to be so out of control again. Immediately, I was flooded with flashbacks of emotions and physical feelings. Once you remember these things, it's easy to want to go back. It seems so much easier to give in, like an iron hand is dragging you into the shadows. The day is hot but the shadow is a place for you to cool down and be comfortable. You find yourself in a struggle to embrace comfort or fight to be in warmth again, where you know you should be.

I saw that TWLOHA had posted a new blog asking people to answer two simple questions. The questions were:
1) What was your highlight of 2008?
2) What are your hopes for 2009?

I read through most of the responses already there and found that this place felt safe and it felt comfortable. I replied to a lot of the people who had posted and then put a post myself. I felt that by reading all of these people's thoughts, I felt less alone and less upset. I realized that TWLOHA truly wants the best for people. I'm not the only one who felt this either, several people said in their posts that they were thankful for TWLOHA. Some said that blog was the only place they felt safe. I realized it's the same for me. I was out of control and revisiting old habits. I immediately felt relief after I posted my reply to this blog and then continued to read through and comment on other answers.

I felt disconnected today, as if I was watching the world from the other side of a fuzzy TV screen. However, I feel connected at the same time, to the people who are in this great big hug of TWLOHA. I didn't feel alone today. I felt great comfort knowing that I wasn't the only one going through rough moments. It's no surprise after the past I've had either, I think I'm allowed to have a few slips. It's just so amazing to know that TWLOHA is there and the people involved are all willing to surrounding each other with love.

I'm sitting here, watching my brother, his friend, and my dad play a card game. They're extremely loud. My mother is behind me, on the couch, watching a soap opera. I can hear the mumbled voices of the people on the TV. However, I barely hear them, I'm barely here. I'm lost in thinking of the people out there who share my hopes, aspirations, fears, and problems. I feel a love for them and I feel a love from them, in the way that we are the same.

I suggest watching this. Jared Leto is my hero, his voice is beautiful and sends chills down my spine. His acoustic work is amazing.

Friday, December 26, 2008

Day 5: Raspberry

Luscious, ripe Oregon raspberries add a deliciously tangy, fruity flavor to an already outstanding China Black tea blend. Rich and deep flavored brewed traditionally and outstanding as an iced tea.

Morning:: I woke up around 10-11. My bed was actually comfy last night since I got one of those tempurpedic mattress toppers. I woke up happier since I talked to Colin on the phone last night. Brandon was still asleep when I got up so I snuck out to the living room to play the PlayStation3 :D but I got stuck quick and had to wake him up to help me with a game :/ it's called Mirror's Edge. It's cool but makes me dizzy xD My Aunt and Grandpa are going to come over around 1 so we can say goodbye to my Aunt. She leaves for Michigan today :/

Afternoon: My Aunt was really sad to go. Complete opposite of me, she wishes she could stay in the heat. She doesn't want to go back home to Michigan where it's cold and snowing. What a weird person xD I would kill to be in the snow. I pretty much just played video games all day. My mom and Brandon went to Walmart and GameStop to try to exchange/get wii and PlayStation3 games. GameStop was RIDICULOUS. They had to be way over their limit of people xD it was gross and scary. We ended up getting Little Big Planet for ps3, a Pokemon game for Wii, some family game for Wii, Mario Kart for Wii, and 2 more controllers for the Wii. It was a decent afternoon.

Night: That family game we got for the Wii was great xD Watching my mother try to play the Wii is hilarious. Absolutely hilarious. My brother and I keep arguing on whether or not we should play Little Big Planet or what. I'm talking to Colin on the phone though, so I don't really care about anything else. I think I'll sleep in the living room tonight. I love you <3

Day 4: Ginger Peach

The light flavor of this famous oriental spice enhances the smooth, rich taste of fresh southern peaches and combines with a blend of China Black teas to create a most appealing tea.

Morning: My Aunt and grandpa left so late that I didn't actually lie down until around 2am. Then I didn't fall asleep until around 4:30, I think. Either way, Brandon woke me up with a "GET UP FOR PRESENTS, AH-LEEEEE!" xD I think it was 9:30. It was a great morning though. My Aunt and Grandpa came over, we all had a ton of gifts that we loved. Breakfast was yummy too <3 every major holiday, Mom makes Cinnamon Rolls ! They are the absolute shiz. Oh and we got a ps3 and a wii. I knew about the ps3, but no one knew about the wii, my Dad decided to surprise Mom with it ;D

Afternoon: Christmas is pretty much good, I just really miss Colin. We ate dinner here as a family, and then we're going over to the neighbor's house for a mini Christmas party. I'm kinda bleh about it because it's always all boring and adult-ish. However, our new neighbors are supposed to be going and they have two kids, 16 and 6 year old boys. So maybe that can keep Brandon and I busy.

Night: Stupid neighbor's kids never showed up. So it really was a boring, adult party. I love my Aunt xD she's never met anyone over there before. So she walks in with her Tequila Rose, pours everyone shots, sits down at a table full of people, and starts chatting away, aha. I played the Wii a little bit since the neighbor's own one. It was funny watching all of the adults attempting to play :P My mom and I got really bored though after about an hour and walked home. I was really happy that Colin called me for the first time since he's beeng gone. Although he said he would call EVERY night. Oh well. I'm going to sleep in my room tonight. I love you.

Wednesday, December 24, 2008

Day 3: Earl Grey

The finest China Black teas are blended and infused with the oil of Bergamot, a pear-shaped citrus from the Mediterranean. Named after Earl Charles Grey, who was presented with the tea while he was a diplomat in China in the early 1800's.

Morning: I slept on the couch again last night. Being in my room just feels too weird. I only step foot in there to get dressed, then I'm gone. I don't think I fell asleep until around 4am, either. I woke up in a pretty good mood, though, so that's a plus.

Afternoon: I've done absolutely nothing except sit around and watch TV or get on the computer. There's nothing to do. On a second note, I really despise Florida. It's Christmas Eve and it's warm. I hate that. I HATE it. I'm really moody now, my happy mood deteriorated. I fell asleep in my parents' bed because it has one of those tempurpedic mattress tops. Taking long naps in the afternoon screw me up. So now I'm even more moody. I took a shower, though. Now, I guess my aunt and grandpa are coming over. I feel like I'm on the verge of tears. I hate Christmas in Florida. It doesn't even feel like Christmas. I'm not excited. I'm not happy. I feel gross and blah. I hate PMS, too. I hate that Colin is in North Dakota and not here, with me. I hate North Dakota.

Night: I definitely felt better once my Aunt and grandpa got here. I forgot how fun my Aunt could be. She let me have shots of tequila rose :) And keeps showing me pictures of her new puppy and making fun of my dad, haha. We watched Jeff Dunham's Christmas Special again. It was about my family's 6th time seeing it xD but she had never seen it, so we watched it. It's still funny no matter how many times you've seen it. I'm kind of full from eating so much food xD All of those little food trays can really fill you up. Especially my Aunt's devilled eggs, YUM <33 I still wish Colin was here though, I miss him a lot. I can't believe tomorrow's Christmas. I wanted to get my permit over break but Dad said I can't get it until I finish virtual school :( So I guess I'll try to work hard on that tomorrow. I realllllly want to get my permit before school starts up again. My birthday is in October, I don't want to turn 16 and have to wait too long. Two months won't kill me but I don't want to go any longer than that. I'm going to sleep in the living room again tonight. My room feels empty and weird without you. I love you.

Tuesday, December 23, 2008

Day 2: Apricot

The essence of ripe and juicy apricots is blended with the highest quality China Black Keemun tea. Enjoy this tea brewed traditionally or pour over ice for a wonderfully refreshing treat.

Morning: Sleeping on the couch kinda of sucked but only because Brandon was so freaking loud on XBOX Live and kept waking me up. It's so much cooler out in the living room than in my room. I guess that's because of the two fans and all. Plus, my bedroom door is always shut. I'm better today. A lot better. I let Zena inside, which I'm not supposed to do, but Brandon's the only one home and he's 11 and sleeping. What can he do? :) Right now my lovely cat is lying on the dining room table, probably getting her calico fur alllll over it. I heart Zena :D

Afternoon: I was really happy when Nitty suggested I hang out with Sheri and him today. This was fun :) Nitty picked me up and we went to Applebee's. That was definitely interesting with Braelyn and Trace and Taylor there too xD I LOL'd so hard to Braelyn sometimes. "Those old people aren't Negroes. Why aren't they Negroes?" Ahaa. Quesadillas are good with A1 sauce too. After Applebee's, we went to Best Buy and saw Larry there. Then we went to see Austin's new house, yay! I like his old one better :P We made amazing miis though, lmao. I have the best video evar on my camera now. Then Sheri's mama picked Sheri and me up and took us to see Dustin. Greaaaaat 15 minutes of my life I'll never get back. Dustin wouldn't even get naked for us. Come onnnn. :P Then I went to Sheri's and got my Christmas gifts [eeeeeh :D] Then she went to Pauly's to meet her frand and my daddy took me home.

Night: I don't really feel like going to bed for awhile. I'm content fixing up my Myspace and searching for graphics. I got some new music today, it's keeping me happy. I'm glad I had a better day today. Although, I really do feel awkward and lonely without you. It's strange, I can't explain it. I can't wait for you to get back. I love you.



flickr photo for Tuesday, December 23, 2008

Monday, December 22, 2008

Day 1: Cinnamon Plum

The rich and aromatic flavor of China Black Teas harmonize with the equally rich flavor of plums that have just a hint of spice added to create a treat for your palate.

Morning: The house is freezing cold and empty. Half of my bed is lying on the floor from too much tossing and turning. My eyes burn and my throat is dry. I finally shut my bedroom windows and turned up the heat. I'm glad I have this hoodie. I think I have plans for later today. Probably going to work out with Mom then go shopping a bit. Who knows, though. I miss you already.

Afternoon: All I could do was lie around and watch movies. First it was The Cat in the Hat, with Michael Meyers. Brandon woke up and joined me to watch it so I cheered up a little, not being so alone. I forgot how funny that movie could be. Next it was The Happening. I had already seen it but Brandon hadn't. I decided at this point, I could go over and see my Aunt. So I got dressed and straightened my hair and everything and walked over and turns out that my grandpa and her went out for a little. It was cold today, too :( so walking back home was like ugh. Mom came home as we were watching Transformers and took us to Walgreens for some stuff, then Subway. Now I'm home and it's cold. The house feels empty and weird even though Mom, Dad, and Brandon are all in the kitchen. I think I'm going to fix my computer tomorrow. I miss you a lot.

Night: I hurt my arm really bad and got a throbbing headache. My pillow is now soaked from melting ice. I'm going to sleep out in the living room. It's cooler out there and my room feels empty and weird. I helped Mom finish decorating the Christmas tree. I think tomorrow my Aunt is coming over. I wish you were here. I love you.


flickr photo for Monday, December 22, 2008.

Wednesday, December 17, 2008

I see you smile in the stars

Oh, I'm quite the mess but I confess
This is ruining my day
I stop to think, over think
Analyze every single way
That you'd be here, here with me
And I'd be holding you so tight
And we'd sit, on the lawn
Watching stars as they fly by
Make a wish, kiss the sky
Your heartbeat, for mine
With our souls intertwined
I'd want to lather you in love
Smother you with light
But I look, simply watch
As my angel takes to flight

<3 :/ ?

Tuesday, December 16, 2008

Spinach Pizza

And with a kiss she breathes goodbye to the angel under her arm, "This heartbeat cease to keep me calm. With an embrace hold me still while prying away the joy contained beneath my skin." Her angel gives to the light and follows warmth, wishing faith to the virgin mother behind with the prayer of love and guidance.



I'm writing more and I realized how much I missed it. It's definitely where my heart belongs <3

Monday, December 15, 2008

Sunday, December 14, 2008

Hello, Dear

Friday's concert at HOB was pretty dang good :) We the Kings and The Academy Is... were all right, seeing as I don't like them too much. Fall Out Boy, however, was amazing. For my first concert ever, I was really satisfied :D Except until Colin and Julian decided to join a mosh pit xD

Afterward, we went to the Virgin store and Nitty bought a Fight Club poster :p I wanted to get something Hello Kitty but I was too tired xD I definitely fell asleep on the ride home, leaning on Colin. Pretty sure Hooly fell asleep leaning on me too, haha.

Saturday was a lame day, I slept most of it and ended up making my mom mad :/ but church made up for it. I really admire the pastor there. He has a brain tumor and as he's up there talking to us, he tells us he has double vision and how "currently there are about 3,000 of you out there." yet he still smiles and put all of his heart into his work. God definitely has him.

I'm really moody right now, more so than usual. Isn't PMS great? Ugh. My back hurts from putting up the Christmas tree and for some reason I feel like I ate way too much food today. Weird. I want to hurry on to Curves.

I'm both excited and sad about this being the last week of school before Christmas Break. I'm excited because, duh, no school and Christmas. I'm sad though because Colin will be gone the entire break, in North Dakota, and I don't know what I'm going to do. I hate, HATE being without him D: I can barely stand it when he goes home at night. Going from Sunday to Wednesday seems torturous enough.

I've been thinking about my future a lot lately and praying about it a lot. So here's to You, God. I need Your guidance. I want to understand these feelings and desires. Why have they not gone away and why is this something I want so bad? Why would I be willing to give up everything I had for it? It doesn't make any sense but it's consuming me and distracting me and causing problems for me. I'd really love Your help, please.

I hate homework. I hate school. I hate warm weather in winter. I hate food. I hate my messy room. I hate my remote. I hate my computer. I hate my procrastination. I hate the smell of my brother's room. I hate infections. I hate fat. I hate my hair. I hate PMS. I hate headaches. I hate frustration. I hate not understanding. I hate hating.

Wednesday, December 10, 2008

Forgive me

I think I let myself down a little today. I'm sorry. To myself. It would be so, so easy to take this road again, spiral down, down, down into the darkness. There's no light, no worries, and no one to bother you because you lost your care on the second stumble.

I can't go back there. I've surrounded myself with loving people, God, and good things. I can't leave it all behind just so I can be selfish and turn around again.

I have to keep going, one step after another. I need to keep my focus and make short-term goals so they don't seem so unreachable.

I know I'm smart. I am so, so smart. I just can't seem to put that intelligence into education. School still has no affect on me. I will argue with you until the end of the world about school. I could be getting A's, I could have a perfect GPA, I could be in all honors and on my way to as much AP as possible. I could be a star student, one all the teachers like to go gaga over. I could be number one in all of my classes. I could be. Instead, I don't do the homework, I half-ass tests, I never study, I don't pay any attention whatsoever, and I shrug it all off.

I hate that people then mistake me for not being smart. I hate when people try to explain things to me because they think I don't know them. I didn't know what the US Patriot Act was until Kubik told me personally. I just don't recall learning it, I was probably asleep. This doesn't make me stupid though. I have the ability, I just don't use it. I don't put forth the effort to be book smart. I concentrate more on people, psychology, relationships, life. I can't focus on education. I'm like anti-education and work. Why? I couldn't answer this question for a million dollars.

It's something that really bothers me though because I look at my closest friends and they're complaining because they have a low A. I look down at my report card and I'm barely passing the class. This kills me because I KNOW I could have a high A. I could be the one that the teacher says, "Excellent job!" to. Nope. Instead I sit there and sigh over my 33F progress report.

But I'm not stupid. I'm an old soul, I have high intelligence, and I'm so much more mature than the majority of people surrounding me. Hopefully, I'll be able to use the smart ability for something great in the future because for now I'm hurting.

God Bless <3

Sunday, December 7, 2008

I have been awakened

Church this morning really opened my eyes to something. I am so incredibly stuck in the past, I am blinded to the possibilities of today. I care about yesterday but I cannot let it change my tomorrow. I need to make decisions today based on today and not on my past. I need to look forward to my future and my eternity with my Father :)

Saying this, I'm going to try with all my soul to accept my past. I've been through things that most people will never go through but I can't use that as a crutch or an excuse. I need to use it as strength, for it was all a part of God's plan for me and my soul's plan for myself. I want to start fresh in my confidence and thoughts with God helping me. I can't change the past, I have the ability to shape who I am NOW.

I looked back on my past today and I realized that it was heartbreaking. If I had been my parents or close friends, I would have truly been heartbroken watching what I was going through. I thought back today on how I used to feel about situations and how I used to act. I imagined myself through the eyes of an onlooker and felt overwhelmed with sadness. I'm not trying to make this sound like pity or sympathy if that's how it seems. I just simply am coming to realization that I was truly in a bad place and I had no room for God. Now that I have accepted Him into my life to help and guide me, I can see that although I am not completely happy yet, I am so much better off than I was back then.

I look at people differently. I no longer judge them as I pass by them or listen to them as they speak. I think of them all as my brothers or sisters and look for the positives. I really listen to what people have to say now and I really try to be the best friend that I can be. I help people without receiving help first, even without receiving help in return. I give advice, I offer myself to always be there, and I mean it. I'm here, for anyone who needs anything. Being down the road that I have, I understand feeling scared and most of all, alone. I don't want another person feeling that way if I can help it. God put me through whatever it was for a reason and I'm going to accept it.

Without even realizing it, I've been helping more around my house, getting along with both of my parents better, and doing things without being asked twice. I'm loving the person that I am becoming with God. There are days I don't want to get up and go to school; I want to stay in bed forever and talk to Him. I looked back on times that I prayed for things and when I thought hard enough, I realized that they were all answered in one way or another. Significant things in my life, came from my Father when they were asked for.

I'm going to go ahead and provide an example. Larry Trotta. When I was in sixth grade, I prayed hard for a year to God. I asked Him to bring somebody into my life to always be there for me. I asked God for a best friend that was preferably a boy (mainly because I wanted someone in the opposite sex to be able to confide in). I must have said this prayer every week for months on end. When Larry first entered my life, I had no idea this was my answer from God. Now, I firmly believe it is. He came into my life at the time that my Grandmother discovered she had cancer and he was there for me through all of the pain, the treatment, and her passing away. For three years now, he has truly been the best friend that I could ask for, which is exactly what I wished God would give me.

You could say it was just a coincidence, but I believe there are very few of those. Larry and I have a connection, a bond that we don't share with anybody else. I leaned heavily on him for so long that it's hard now with him being so busy with college and I miss him dearly.

Before I go off on this further, I hope this is a sufficient example :) God answers us and only asks for our belief and love in return. I believe that if I continue in the path that I am headed, I will be happier than ever before. Thank you, God, for absolutely everything.

God Bless and I love you all †

Thursday, December 4, 2008

You shouldn't play with fire, Allyson

Well, I'm finally losing weight. That really makes me happy. It's not like I was heavy or anything, but the stress of summer and the beginning of school made me eat. I hate that habit: eating when stressed or bored. Curves three times a week is really helping and I'm getting a bit more self confidence. I want to have a toned stomach and lose a bit of flab in my thighs/arms. Soon :)

I really miss church, I need to go back. Not just want to, but need to. I'm constantly talking to God, all throughout my day. It keeps me calm and collected.

Hopefully this weekend I'll have the time to get caught up on some school work. I still really don't care about school, but I suppose it's a must...

I really want to hang out with friends more. I always have Colin :) But I want to have fun with friends,like the time Shar, Nitty, Colin and I stayed at Hooly's :D Or the paint war, or just a bunch of us going to the movies or something. 8th and 9th grade was full of that, it seems we don't do anything anymore. Maybe that will change when we can all drive? I don't know, let's just make plans!

I kind of want to change up my image. I need new clothes, I want my hair dyed more, and I need to get new makeup. I wish I could decorate my room differently, but I don't know when we're moving so...

God Bless <3

Tuesday, December 2, 2008

If I'd only thought of something charming to say

Today, I'm taking a different approach. Instead of writing a ton of things, I'm going to use pictures/graphics to describe how I feel. We'll see how it goes :)





















Meh, went all right xD I love you guiz <3 God Bless

Monday, December 1, 2008

I'm fighting a headache

which is most likely from lack of sleep. I didn't go to school today. Why? Because I didn't fall asleep until 5:30am. Why? Because I was talking to you all night; literally all night. I took Melatonin, I went out on the couch, I played soothing music, I watched TV, I read, you followed me everywhere and I could not for the life of me fall asleep until early hours. My mother didn't even try to wake me up. The time went by so fast, I didn't even realize how late it was until I said goodnight to you. Then a wave of exhaustion hit me and I glanced at the clock to see 5:24am.

Mom came home at one point to try to wake me up and as she was talking to me, I could barely keep my eyes open. About 30 minutes after she left, I was starting to feel nauseous, like I usually do if I don't eat breakfast. So, I was heading into the kitchen when the nausea really kicked up. You know when that happens, your tongue feels heavy, you swallow hard, and your mouth just pools with saliva. Yeah, that feeling. I had to stand over the sink in fear that any movement towards the bathroom would result in a mess. I was finally able to slowly edge towards my bathroom and then I felt my throat tightening up and my gag reflex going into full throttle. Almost threw up everywhere! But did not. I was able to hold it in, thank God, I hate throwing up.

I guess this just means I need to really get all the sleep I can tonight. I would have gone to bed earlier but I'm texting Colin and all :) So tonight, I'll talk to you again, but only briefly. I'm sure you understand.

I'm still dreading school tomorrow. I got panicked about it last night and almost made a really bad decision. But I didn't. God's helping me, I can feel it. I think I came to find some acceptance within myself today, too. I'm proud of that.

I love you guiz <3

Sunday, November 30, 2008

I want an XBOX 360

I had a dream that I had to stand up for you.
I hope I did a good job.
Today, I want to talk to you.
So I think I will.

<3

Saturday, November 22, 2008

You can Google it

I saw Twilight tonight at 7:30, Regal 16 Theater, and I can say that I was thoroughly disappointed. Now, I understand that a movie is never as good as the book, but in my honest opinion, this movie didn't even come close. If I was Stephenie Meyer, I'd want to cry.

She makes all her work very in-depth and colorful and I found the film choppy, empty, and pale. The characters seemed like they were just THERE and very blank to me, the emotion they were meant to be portraying just wasn't there.

One thing I hated about this movie was that it was humorous. I didn't find the book funny? I was expecting a serious, heartfelt, and passionate film, not a laugh fest.

In the book, Edward is described as being this perfect, way-beyond-Earth kind of character and in the movie he was skittish, obviously nervous, and not the strong person I imagined.

I think Kristen Stewart was too hard and freaking BLAND to be Bella. Her voice was too deep and she was just awkward in a weird, tired kind of way, not a cute, loving way like the book describes.

I also found that I didn't like the way the movie was put into order. I wish they would have followed the book better. I thought all the 'animal killings' were from New Moon, I don't remember any from Twilight. Though I may be wrong in that... I felt the ending went too fast from the point of the baseball game. One second she's in the hotel, the next she's getting thrown around. I think they should have emphasized the stress of waiting for any idea of what was happening while Bella, Jasper, and Alice were in the hotel.

I don't think they properly showed the intensity of Edward and Bella's relationship. It was more like he was a stalker and she was just too annoying to let go of him, which is not how the book is, at ALL.

Oh and Edward's sparkling? wtf.

Positives: I did like Jasper's character a lot, Alice was portrayed wonderfully, the weather was good, Emmett, the makeup of the Cullens, Renee, and a few others things.

Other notes!:

Colin's coming over tomorrow <3

I'm excited for Monday :D

Thanksgiving Break should give me a chance to relax (:

This cold weather makes me want to dance around and smile all the time :P


Oh and I pretty much agree with this:
"The movie we have been anticipating all year has finally come out! Sadly... it felt rushed and left the viewer sort of unfulfilled. The actors were... Dull, boring, and monotonous. Stewert, while being in some good movies, just does not get the emotions out. Robert did an excellent job of Edward, but the movie, like the book, focused WAY too much on him. Most of the movie focuses on the two main characters, while this is expected, the others are sort of "not as involved". Some of the characters were very dull and you learn so little about anything. Had I not read the book first, I would have been VERY confused with this movie. In some areas, the characters have awkward moments(in fact too many) that left me seeing this movie as a corny and bad impression of some of Twilight's more dramatic moments. All in all, this movie was one of the biggest letdowns, that will only draw in profit from the inflated hype blimp created by the fans. If your a die hard fan, you will be disappointed, otherwise I recommend reading the book, before seeing the movie, otherwise you just won't get half of what is going on."
- IMDB review


Goodnight and God bless <3

Friday, November 21, 2008

Pretty Much Exhausted

Whoa. Today didn't turn out how I'd planned but that's okay. Hooly, Carolina, Colin, and I went to Subway after school and then sat in the parking lot, trying to find directions to the Regal 16 Theatre in Ocala or see if they were sold out. We ended up sitting there for about three hours before learning all shows were sold out except the 11pm one.

SO. Then we went to Hooly and Carolina's house and watched El Orfanato again. Dude, i love watching psychological horrors. It was so much more intense.

Then Colin took great delight in scaring the crap out of me every chance he got on the ride home. That! was a blast.

Then we took naps and stuff and he just left ten minutes ago.

I love you <3

I'm really glad it's Thanksgiving Break [finally]! Tomorrow, I have a hair appointment at three - I think I'm going to add black - and then Colin and I are going to see Twilight. I'm excited. I love him <3

By the way, I'm glad we're talking more.
Oh and you, too. Thanks for letting me know you care, even if it was brief.

Goodnight, loves, and God bless <3

Thursday, November 20, 2008

Hello; Good Evening,

I love You <3

My faith in God is growing stronger and stronger everyday. I read the bible every chance I get and absorb in all of the words. I'm reading books and doing research and I find my love for Him is unbreakable. I know He's listening to me and is always here for me when I need Him. He is my Savior and my light and I will continue to follow in His name :D

On another note:


I'm so excited :D TEAM EDWARD <3333

I get angry thinking of Jacob xD ugh. NO ME GUSTA JACOB, NO. ME. GUSTA. You know, I actually used to like Jacob until the end of New Moon. From then on, ESPECIALLY IN ECLIPSE, I hated him. Reading Breaking Dawn with him was unbearable. Lost my liking for him altogether.

<3

Let's talk okay?

Tuesday, November 18, 2008

It was possibly

the worst day in awhile. I felt humiliated being at school with my super red eyes and worn out look. I couldn't even keep a straight face 2 minutes into being there, broke down to Kristina, which is something I haven't done in a long time. I don't know if I've ever cried at school? And if I have I was able to control it or something cause this scared me, letting people see me like that. I only wish I had gotten there earlier so I had more time to clean myself up before going to class, cause then of course I got a lot of questioning looks.

I'm incredibly exhausted, wasted a whole night last night just crying on and off. My eyes burn and my throat is sore. I've never cried a whole night in and out of sleep, and then woke up the next day and began crying again. Usually if you have a bad night, the following morning is a new day. Definitely wasn't my case. I'm sitting there trying to get my stuff together and have tears rolling down my face when my mom says, "You need to try harder. You can't fall apart at school..." and I toned her out for the rest.

I know what she was going to say. If they see you, they'll ask to talk to us, and it might lead you back into therapy and maybe you do need back on your medication after all.

School felt pointless to me today. I felt like I needed to leave and actually do something important instead of just sitting there class after class, just to tell them I didn't have the homework they were looking for. Maybe I need to go back to therapy. Maybe I need the medications again. I don't want the meds, honestly. I finally feel REAL again. My emotions are sensitive right now but I love it because when I was on the medication, I felt like a brick wall; I didn't really feel sadness. I felt happiness and anger and most other things, but sadness was rejected. I feel more complete now that I can freely feel that emotion. Watching TV with my mom last night, I cried because it was a sad episode. Months ago, on medication, I wouldn't have been able to cry no matter how hard I tried.

I could probably deal with therapy though. Maybe. As long as she wouldn't sit there and nod at me and just stare at me all the time like she used to do. On second thought, maybe that would be too much. I have this huge TO-DO list that needs a lot of crossing off. Mainly doctors appointments that I need to make... I want to be on my own right now. I want to be out of school and on toward more important things. I honestly can't shake the feeling that I'm not doing the right thing, I'm supposed to be doing SOMETHING, but I don't know what it is.

I'm driving myself crazy praying over it.

I miss you.
I miss you.
I miss you.
I miss you.
I miss you.
I miss you.
I miss you.
I miss you.
I miss you.
I miss you.
I miss you.
I miss you.
I miss you.
I miss you.
I miss you.
I miss you.
I miss you.
I miss you.
I miss you.
I miss you.
I miss you.
I miss you.
I miss you.
I miss you.
I miss you.
I miss you.
I miss you.
I miss you.
I miss you.
I miss you.
I miss you.
I miss you.
I miss you.
I miss you.
I miss you.
I miss you.
I miss you.
I miss you.
I miss you.
I miss you.
I miss you.
I miss you.
I miss you.
I miss you.

Why did you leave me here?

Sunday, November 16, 2008

Best Weekend Ever :)

On Friday, Sheri, Colin, Nitty, Hooly, Carolina, and I went to Fresh Market and annoyed the customers whilst talking to Hosef. We bought garlic and herb bread and left for SUBWAY FRIDAY! We havent gathered there in about 3 weeks so our people were like "AHHHHH YOU'RE BACK!!!" It was great (: We def entertained the customers there, lawl lawl. Then Nitty and Holly were like "We were grounded!" and the manager said she'd write us a note xD so she put:

To the parents of Ally, Sheri, Austin, Julian, and Colin.

This is the manager of Subway and I would like to ask if any groundings occur in your children, please don't make them groundings from Subway! I very much enjoy these teenagers and seeing them every Friday is important to me. Any questions, call this number.

Mandi.

It was something along those lines but it was awesome and we were like HAI THANKS! After Subway, we called our parents and stuff and went to HOOLY and CAROLINA'S house to stay the night :D

Amazing. Things we did:
Ball Smacking
Wii Sports
Cookie Dough Eating
Too Much Laughing
Cockroach Hunting
Blockbuster at like 9 or 10
El Orfanato
A good bit of SCREAMING
Running from Hooly's farts
Scrabble
Walking
Sitting backwards in the car
Playing with Piralou
You Would
Huddling Together - basically cause of TOMAS
Looking at old yearbooks
Sheri, Nitty, and Hooly slept in Hooly's bed
Colin and I slept in the guest room

SATURDAY!
Baked the remaining dough
Ate the cookies
Made miis
Played wii
Lazed around
Nitty and Sheri left
Colin showered
Don't Mess with the Zohan - stupid
Colin and I left to get changed
Met Hooly and Carolina and their madre at Denny's
Went to Florida Mall
SEPHORA
Crepe Market, omyum
Met some of their family
Went back home


:D And I have to say that I love Colin Shaw very, very much <3333

I left my charger in his car, my extra battery in Hooly's madre's car, and my school stuff in Carolina's trunk.

xD

whoops.

Anywhore, best weekend ever, I love them all, definitely my best friends.

<3 COMMMMMMMENT

Tuesday, November 11, 2008

HEY

I really don't like art II at the moment; the project is kind of making me mad, especially since someone stole my board >:/ Oh well. Other than that, I've been getting happier lately and have been able to ignore stupid people. I'm getting more motivated to do stuff in school and treat myself better. So I'm happier and little things aren't getting to me as easily because I'm stronger.

I know I've changed a lot since the last school year but I changed in very mature ways. I do not regret a single choice that I've made nor am I ashamed of anything. I feel older and stronger than most people around me and I know I am. I've been through something the majority of people I know won't ever go through and that puts me in a rough place but I learned to acknowledge the fact that it happened. I haven't accepted it yet, though, and I don't expect to for quite awhile.

Because of my maturity level know, it makes me laugh seeing the arguments people get in. It's really sad how some people are living their lives :/

All I can say is I know I have the right people in my life who care about me and won't abandon me. It's not a big group of people, you know? Just a tiny few, but that is perfectly enough to keep me alive everyday. I know they'll ALWAYS be there for me and will come to me for help, just as I will for them. We'll stick together through anything and I'll be honest with them as they will with me. Kids say this all the time but with how much more intelligent and experienced I am, I know this is for real. These guys won't leave me for anyone. They have my back and I'll have theirs. I'll make sure I don't lose any of them to bad choices of subject. Or people.


Goodnight :)
<3c.s. s.h. j.d. n.a. a.w.<3

Sunday, November 9, 2008

I had a really good weekend.

On Friday, Sheri and I went to Hooly's after school to watch FORGETTING SARAH MARSHALL. Wonderful movie :p Then Colin picked Sheri and me up, dropped Sheri off at home, then took me home to change before we went to Bean's brother's house. Yeah, I sat there with Ariel while Matt, Colin, Bean, and Matty Warr played video games. Was really boring xD so Colin took me home and we chilled around for maybe an hour before he went back to Matt's house. I pretty much fell dead asleep 30 minutes after he left :)

On Saturday, I woke up to find that Colin was here and after some convincing, he got me to go to his house. I brought my school stuff and my laptop so I could get work done :) He finished TWILIGHT while I was there and I was excited cause I could then show him some trailers without having to skip parts :D We watched CLICK with his parents and ate some really yummy pie his momma made. I ended up staying the night, I watched him play BIOSHOCK which I found really cool and creepy, then we slept on an air mattress in the living room :p

I woke up at like REALLY EARLY HOURS cause his dad was in the kitchen xD it wasn't even slightly light outside yet. I pretty much tossed and turned from that point forward until we got up and ate CHEERIOS! Then we chilled around for a bit before he dropped me off here so he could go to his flight lesson. So, it was a really good weekend. Right now, I'm finishing homework so I can relax for the rest of the day. My mom bought me the TWILIGHT soundtrack so I'm currently listening to that and I love it, I'm so excited for the movie. Okay, I love you all!

<33

Thursday, November 6, 2008

Lubriderm: Avanced Therapy Lotion

I'm almost done with Breaking Dawn (finally) and it's great. I want the Twilight movie to come out so bad but I'm worried about it at the same time. I hope it can live up to the book enough... The thing is, Stephenie Meyer is such an amazing writer that everyone is able to really get the images branded deep into their minds; The characters, their movements, their expressions, the atomosphere, and pretty much everything else. She's really a huge inspiration for me as a writer. I can't imagine how she feels... just started out by writing out a dream she had. If that wasn't a sign from God, I don't know what is :P It's so easy to get lost in these books...

Ay yi yi, then there's real life. I guess I only have horrible grades in two classes; Spanish II and AP World History. That's dandy. All of the stuff that life's been dealing to me has been making me rougher on the edges, I'm starting to notice. I'm becoming more outspoken and even mean in some cases. I guess I'm tired of just keeping quiet and I realized I won't get anything unless I say something. So here, I'm going to let some things be known here and now:

You need to try talking to me. I've tried many times and the conversations have been lame as hell. I know you're busy, but I also know you're able to text other people. I miss you and I love you and you need to show me that you feel the same because I know you do. Text me or message me or comment me or ANYTHING to show me that you actually care. I know you do, but I need to see it. It's ridiculous that we're doing this again but I've tried changing it around; it's your turn. I think about you everyday and I don't know what's up with you or how your life is right now. Make some time for me. You already know I hate when we don't talk. We've been through this.

I honestly feel like you're keeping something from me and like you've changed in some way. If you're telling the truth and it's really nothing, then try thinking about how you're acting maybe? You've been different and it's putting me on edge because it's unfamiliar. I can't shake the feeling that something's wrong here.

I'm not sure what you'd like to talk to me about. Maybe the reason I joke with you and say things to interrupt you is because whenever you talk to me, I feel shy because it's like I'm meeting you for the first time, you've changed THAT much. I find it easier to talk to people I'm still comfortable with. I miss the old you, back when you had the right people in your life. I'm not trying to be mean but you're so different it's hard to converse with you. Plus sometimes it's easier just to walk away because I missed you for so long that you became sort of blurry to me.

"How can I decide what's right
When you're clouding up my mind?
I can't win your losing fight
All the time.

Nor can I ever own what's mine
When you're always taking sides?
But you won't take away my pride.
No, not this time.
Not this time.

How did we get here?
When I used to know you so well.
But how did we get here?
Well, I think I know.

The truth is hiding in your eyes
And it's hanging on your tongue.
Just boiling in my blood.
But you think that I can't see
What kind of man that you are,
If you're a man at all.
Well, I will figure this one out
On my own.
(I'm screaming, "I love you so.")
On my own.
(My thoughts you can't decode.)

How did we get here?
When I used to know you so well, yeah.
But how did we get here?
Well, I think I know.

Do you see what we've done?
We've gone and made such fools
Of ourselves.
Do you see what we've done?
We've gone and made such fools
Of ourselves.

How did we get here?
When I used to know you so well, yeah, yeah.
How did we get here?
Well, I used to know you so well.
I think I know.
I think I know.

There is something I see in you.
It might kill me.
I want it to be true."



SheriClarity is the sunshine of my days right now :D
I LOVE YOU, BERI <3

Tuesday, November 4, 2008

I feel like a failure

I hate the feeling that I've let you down. Please forgive me. Maybe I'm not trying hard enough... I know I'm not. Why am I lying to myself so much? Why am I resorting back to old thoughts and ways. I feel like giving up, I really do. I tried really hard for awhile and it's getting me NOWHERE. I can't concetrate and I'm screwing myself up. Yes, this post will likely be full of self pity and I don't care. People are pissing me off so easily now and I don't want to be around them at all. Getting out of bed each morning is becoming more of a chore, like it used to be. I feel like my reasons for living have either left me, or are losing faith in me. I guess I really need God's help to heal past wounds and lead me down the right path because as of right now I kinda want to smoke my life up.

I'm beyond sorry. I never want to fight with you again. The feeling I was left with made me feel so sick, knowing you were upset. I love you.

Yeah, I'm kind of giving up on you. I gave you several chances to change your mind. I have more important people to care for now. Have fun with your 'friends'

I'm so incredibly happy that we are able to push our past aside and get along so well. It's great to know you're always there and you make my days burst with sunshine!

I still miss you. A lot. Where ARE you? Please try to contact me? I feel too pushy when it's me trying.

I love you and I miss you everyday, angel.


On the plus side, Obama won, yay yay yay! Goodnight, comment, whatever <3

Sunday, November 2, 2008

It is so hard to let you go

and I regret every second of taking you for granted. I regret complaining and wishing things were different. I regret crying over you and being angry because of you. I regret telling people about you. I regret wishing bad things upon you. I even regret talking to you sometimes because I feel it would be easier if I never had. I haven't tried talking to you in awhile and I don't know how you're doing, but I hope well. I'm sure you're happy, I so dearly hope that's true. I hope that you think about me a lot and that you're wishing good things for me. I hope that you're being taken care of and you are loved. I hope that you know if I could go back and change what happened, I would do it in a heartbeat. I hope you understand that I was scared and unsure of where I was going in life.

I would do anything to become close to you, as close as I am to you in my dreams, which you are constantly in. I wake up each morning missing you more and more and wishing you were still by my side so to speak. I feel empty without you and so very alone. Sometimes I share these thoughts with people who knew about you. They typically tell me the same thing and that's to let go or move on or tell me that there will be others like you. But they're wrong, they are so incredibly wrong. I'll never let go. My pain will heal when it's ready to heal and neither they nor I have control over that. The other thing they're wrong about is that there will never be anyone like you again. Others will come around but nobody like you. I will forever have to keep you in my heart as I see you. I miss you, I miss you so much and nobody can understand quite honestly the extent of that. Please think of me. I'm striving so hard to make you proud but I'm getting nothing back. Are you proud of me? I'm working on it.. I really am. It's not so easy when I'm so caught up in the fact that you're not here. It seems to hit me as fresh news every single time I open my eyes.

People don't get the fact that things would have turned out fine, had I not messed up. Or did I mess up? What happened that you left me? Either way, I have faith in knowing that life would have been incredible with you still here. There would have been hard times, as always, but with the amount of passion I have for you, and the amount of care God has for the both of us, we would have been just fine.. life would have been just fine.

You changed my life forever and I won't ever, ever forget you. I know we can't ever go back.. but I wish we could. Please hope for happiness for me and I hope the same for you. I'm sorry if I let you down. I love you with every particle of my being, more than I could ever love anyone.. <3

Thursday, October 30, 2008

Up and down, spin me around

Today, I was tired. How's that for a surprise? Right now, I feel like my old self. Like as in, my 2007 self. I'm listening to stuff like Bullet for my Valentine (first cd) and it just makes me think of things. Like, Nitty. One of the first times I ever really had a conversation with him was on piczo, and Tears Don't Fall was on his page :) Right now I have his Domo and we're listening to music :D

Days aren't getting any easier yet. I have so many things I want to say to people... so many more 'anonymous comments'...but i'll just keep my mouth shut. I'm cold and sad right now.

Y'know, whatever. I'm doing the comments anyway.


I don't understand what you're doing or why. It confuses me, and not just me. Why are you all close to this person? Why them? What about us? It's annoying. Really, really annoying.

Oh I'm sorry, you still acknowledge my existance?

I hope to God you're not right. But part of me hopes that's why things went wrong.

I miss you so much, each and everyday of my life, every second of it. Stupid things get to me because of it. I do wish you'd come back to me <3



whatever.
goodnight.

Wednesday, October 29, 2008

I need to go the the dr

I feel sick, very sick. I'm worried and frustrated and I would like to know what's going on. I have so many questions. Were you right? Is that the reason everything went wrong? Why didn't I check first? Is this why nothing's working? Is this what You want me to be doing?

I think it is. I think I'm doing the right thing and that's why signs are showing up everywhere I go. I feel like everything fell right into place to say, "Hello! Do this, now." So I'm going to.

People have been easily pissing me off lately. My patience and temper is getting lower and lower. I keep taking it out on Colin and I feel really, really bad because of it D: School is the worst thing ever right now too. It's a brand new start, the beginning of the second nine weeks and I'm barely doing anything. Sleep is another thing to, I'm so not getting enough. I think falling asleep in 3 or 4 classes a day is getting old.

On the plus side, I'm so incredibly happy that it's getting cold...I love it so much :) Hoodies and skinny jeans ftw <3

I want to go on a serious shopping spree, I need new clothes so bad. I really like the Kohls they put in down in Lady Lake :) I saw Hooly and his madre there tonight when I was there with Colin. MOMORMORNING WOOD

Right now, I'd kill for a cup of hot chocolate from Ghirardelli, Colin, and a big, happy dog! All by a fire. Sigh, I hate Florida xD

I guess I just need to get through tomorrow and wait until it's Friday so that I can see Colin again <3 I love youuuu.

Goodnight.

Tuesday, October 28, 2008

Tuesdays

are always just as lame as Mondays. I got barely any sleep last night, didn't do any homework, and it took my mom everything she had just to get me out of bed. Yesterday was that bad. I went anyway, but it was awkward and I was in some weird mood. I finally called her to come and get me and she got there around one. From there, she took me to Steak n Shake and told me that she called the school this morning and yelled at them.

The thing is, I know it was required that I was questioned. But they kept me there for 2 and a half hours and pressed way too deep into my private life. They asked me questions they had no right to ask me, that had nothing to do with the issue, then criticized me on the choices I've made this past year. Not only did they attack me, but they constantly attacked my mother too, saying things like, "Well if I was your mother..." or "That wasn't smart of your mother..." and "I sure wouldn't allow that in MY house."

So I told my mom this, because God, that offended me. So she called today and talked to one of the ladies and complained for like a good 20 minutes. The lady she called though, I was okay with. It was the other one >:/ So my mom's going to call HER tomorrow. The one she talked to today apologized and said she knew the other lady was pushing where she wasn't welcome, but she didn't want to interrupt.

So basically, I should have only been in that office for at most 30 minutes, but no, 150 minutes sounded better. By the end, I'm pretty sure I cried enough to make up for the past month.

ANYWAYANYWAY; I don't want to go back tomorrow either. I feel like they know everything now and I hate that feeling. But at the same time I learned that I just can't trust anyone right now, I guess.

I'm sorry if you're mad at me.

Hopefully Wednesdays aren't as lame as Tuesdays and Mondays xD should be better since Colin is picking me up like always <3 Bah.

I wish it was Subway Friday or something, I want the weekend back.

comment

Monday, October 27, 2008

WORST DAY EVAR! >:O

Yeah, today sucked "donkey kong balls" in the words of Razzle. Waking up seemed like a mistake. Was late, got a detention since it was my 4th one. Fucking hell, if I'm going to get a detention, I'd at least want it to be for something hardcore.

"What are you in detention for?"
"I was late for school 4 times...how about you?"
"I KILLED SOMEONE RAWR!"

Yeah, see. Like, a really hardcore, messy paint fight, right, Shurr? ;D late for 4 days in all of the school year so far. No srsly, i hate that school so much D:

So in Business I realize I left my AP World History notes at home, which took me up until 2am to do! *insert rude word*

Then the rest of the day was shot to hell. Like, I can't even explain it. Got out of geometry and science though, ftw? I suppose.

Didn't really eat lunch, except for fries.

I don't think I did too great on my spanish II test either. Cultura always, always gets me. And the question words like cual and cuantos and crap.

Then Brandon decided to be sick so when Mom picked me up, I had to sit in the car while we drove to Leesburg for the doctor to tell him he has a pretty bad cold. Thanks, doc. I can't stand to listen to the kid talk, holy shit xD I hate that mucusy breathing, right MICHAEL?!

Anywhore; I learned today that I just can't trust people. I'll just keep things to myself now thanks.

I secretly hope Brandon like sneezes all over my pillow so I catch his grossness. School tomorrow? Not sounding so great.

Comment <3

Thursday, October 23, 2008

Happy16thLucy<3

I hope you had an amazing day, birthday girl <3 you had to of loved your card ;D i know that much. Lawd, that cookie cake was amazing, muchas gracias for sharing. Saturday should pretty much own (:

I have more anonymous comments. But only a few. Here we go!;



I wish you weren't so scared. I wish you would agree with me and do what I want. I know it would turn out just fine. I wouldn't ever let anything bad happen to you. I love you. I wish you weren't so scared.

I feel bad for you a lot of the time because it seems you let people do what they want to you. I love you a lot!

You annoy me more and more each day but I don't even know how to approach you so I just stay quiet about it.

I haven't been paying much attention to you lately and I'm sorry. I love you and we need to hang out soon.

You make lunchtime the best part of my day <3

I sometimes miss the friendship we used to have. But now that I take time to really look at you and analyze you, it makes me sad to know that you've hurt me so bad without knowing it, and I went through hell and back for you. You changed my life so completely. If it weren't for you, I wouldn't be who I am today. For the record, I hate who I am today.

I miss you more and more every single day and just looking at your picture makes my heart soar.

I hope you're doing all right.


Okay so this time it's only FOUR different people. Each person is in here twice. You can ask if you're in here but I can't promise I'll tell you which one you are.


<3 HAPPY BIRTHDAY, MY DEAREST ASIAN <3

Wednesday, October 22, 2008

I'm surprised

at how many people talked me about the previous blog entry, with the anonymous comments. I know I said I wouldn't say anything but it's kinda hard. So here's how it is. If you want to know if you're in it, just ask, and I'll answer with a simple yes or no and how many times you're in it. If you think you know which one you are, tell me or ask me. If you're right, I'll say yes, if you're wrong, I'll say no. It's that simple. I don't like hurting people.

Today was really boring until after school when I went to Target with Nitty and Colin. I loves them. We got stuff for Lucy, whose birthday is tomorrow! Then Nitty went home and Colin and I had lots of fun together. I truly, really, love him a lot :D <333333333333


"I'm missing you so much, I'll see you die tonight, just so I can get to you before the sun will rise."

Tuesday, October 21, 2008

Wanna know some secrets?

Every single time I see your face, even if only in pictures, I get a huge urge throughout my body to throw large objects at it. Your smile enrages me and sometimes I find myself wanting to throw you off a cliff. Oh yeah, and your lisp is annoying.

I never feel like leaving your side. You're one of my best friends, honestly. I feel closer to you than anyone at the moment. I love that we're hanging out more.

I've flipped through so many scenarios in my head and I just can't picture you coming to your senses anytime soon. I've talked to other people about this and I need to get over you. I'll carry the hurt for awhile, but I've finally realized that YOU are the unreasonable and ridiculous one. I'll give my time to someone who will appreciate it and not throw it away, thanks. You're irritating. If I was able to slump down to your level, I'd ignore you. Since I'm better than you, I can't do that.

I love you and I miss you. Still. I miss the old days, I guess, but I'm sure I just need to pull up my big girl panties and deal with it. Nawh. I'll stay how I am in this case because I know it has to be worth it. I know you're really busy, just try to remember things, okay? I may annoy you with constantly coming to you with this but, if you really think, I know you know why. I'm going to be stubborn.

I've lied to you so, so many times. I wanted to tell you. But now it's too late and I'm afraid you'd hate me. I can't ever tell you.

You confuse me. I don't understand the things you do, yet I find I'm jealous of you in a few ways. I think I should get over that.

I went behind your back.

Sometimes I have dreams that it's you and me. There's someone with us that we both love. But it's not who it should be.

I sometimes question your sanity. I know you're smart, please quit playing dumb. It isn't cute. It isn't funny. It's annoying and makes me want to shake you awake.

When the three of us are hanging out, I feel like we're better than anyone else. That I'm better than all the people bothering me. That they don't know what they're missing. That I want to be friends with you forever. You two make me so happy.

Sometimes, I feel like I have to choose between you two. Person A and Person B. Normally, I'm all for A. But when B comes around, I can only think of all the things A has done to hurt me. Then I focus all my attention on B. But B backs away and I'm stuck with A.

I hope you know you're incredibly mean. I hope somewhere, deep inside your soul, you'll find something that will make you realize that you're being pathetic. I know it won't happen, you're so deep into being a bitch. You've changed my friend so far beyond what they used to be.

You've changed my friend too.

I miss you and I wish you'd call me. Or email me. Or anything. I miss us being retarded together. It's been way, way too long.

I love you so much and I'm sorry I've been postponing things when it comes to you. I've already learned from a past experience that if I keep doing that, it will be too late once I get around to it. Don't worry. Soon, you'll get what you've been asking for. I miss you <3

When you talk, all I hear in my head is horrible, horrible names for you.

You seriously kill my self esteem and make me feel bad.

I laugh at your lack of intelligence, yet you flare my jealousy.

You make my day so easily and I'm glad we agree on so many things. It's really nice to have someone to talk to about situations that I'm dealing with, that we're BOTH dealing with.

You used to scare me in a way. Now, I think you're annoying and your breath smells bad. Sometimes, when you're with your bf/gf, I want to throw up.

You've changed so much from back when we first started talking. I never bring it up, but I really, really miss those times.

You always stole my spotlight. Now I'm glad you're taking a new road. Even though it's one that disgusts me and makes me dislike you. At least I finally feel like I can accept myself.

I love you with my entire heart, body, mind, and soul. And you know it.

Sometimes when I'm with you, I secretly pretend we're out of school and are wasting our time with a joke of an education.

I have no idea who you are. Yet I know you like the back of my hand. I love you and I hate you.



That's it for tonight. Some people are in here more than once. And for times I put ' my friend ' or ' bf/gf ' is because I don't want to possibly give away the gender or any hints. I probably shouldn't have said some of these things cause they're pretty mean, but I needed to get them out. And don't ask if you're in here or which number you think you might be. I don't care who you are, no one's going to get an answer from me. Unless I have a change of heart. Maybe.

comment.

Monday, October 20, 2008

Lame

I'm going to have a busy Saturday. I'm going to a wedding around 6 and Lucy's party is from 6 - 9 so I'll need to find a way to get there xD Plus, I need a gift so yippee. Don't worry, Luce, it'll be great :D

School is still blah. It's not BAD, it just seems to be dragging so much. And I feel like I did last year. I WANT to do the work, but I have zer0 motivation. Or, I do the work, and don't turn it in. I could be getting A's, but I'm stuck with F's, D's, or C's. It sucks and I'm unhappy with myself for that reason.

I'm going to work for my mom this week and my goal is to get $700. Shouldn't take too long. Well I'm happy too cause Nitty gave me the SAFETYSUIT CD to burn. Honestly, they're great, they make me happy, go look them up, listen, and fall in love.

I miss my old life in a lot of ways...before everyone got busy or filled with disgusting ego. It's like each day is just one tiny step and it's taking forever to get to the rainbow. Are lucky charms all that worth it?

Comment, I love you <3

Thursday, October 16, 2008

I simply

dislike you.
with a lot of my being.
honestly.
ugh.

Tuesday, October 14, 2008

Tonight I want to be taken away

I hate feeling so right one moment...putting so much faith into the next step, knowing it's the most perfect thing to do. Then the next, it's like you're worried, upset that you're going to do the wrong thing. And I hate that my mind is pulling me one way so far while my heart seems so unsure. I'm going day by day feeling more and more insecure but trying so hard to let go of it and just let things happen. I feel like I'm working incredibly hard to be better, make good choices, and just listen. Right now I feel like I'm being tested and I know it's a part of life but I wish it wasn't right NOW. I guess there's no choice on that though. I'm emotionally and physically exhausted and school is the last place I want to be. I can't concentrate on any of it except ART which is my favorite right now because painting seems most peaceful, even if it is ugly abstract stuff, I feel like I have control over it. I don't like that automatically, I'm feeling sorry for myself, but at the same time, I feel the need to just let myself be aware of it. So then, I suppose, it's not self pity.

Also, I'm not so sure letting go of the past is always a good thing? I don't know. I guess eventually I could start to think of it less and less...but I don't ever want to forget. I thought I found some hope for awhile and I held onto it for dear, dear life. Now I feel as maybe it's running from me..I hope not, I really do. Maybe I just need to keep my focus on it.

I miss Colin.
I miss you.
I miss you, too.
I need You.
I love you, you, you, and You.

I feel like crying, goodnight

Happy Birthday, Allyson <3

OM NOM! I turned 15 today, voila. It was pretty good but I was sad that Nitty wasn't at school :( AFTER SCHOOL THOUGH! Colin picked me up (<33333) and we hung out and were all romantic :p until we went out to Red Lobster with my parents, brother, and grandpa. YUM. They sang me happy birthday YAY and I got cake :)

I loooooove Colin Austin Shaw <3 and I miss him a lot right now even though I saw him like an hour ago xD He's amazing and definitely made my birthday great :D I can't wait to see him again.

ALSO THANKS FOR PEOPLE WHO GOT ME CARDZ! I LOVE YOU <3 and myspace comments, *gazm*, they make me SMILE SO BIG LIKE :D

<33 love love

Sunday, October 12, 2008

My Weekend

On Friday, Carolina, Hooly, Nitty, Allie, and I went to Subway for Subway Friday :) and our people were there as always. We learned that if Nitty had an identical twin that was sent to the future while Nitty was frozen, that twin would marry the one employee there, hence the reason her son looks like a Nitty spawn. Afterward, Colin joined us and we all went to Carolina and Hooly's house, game room FTW. Nitty broke his belt and Hooly farted. Then, Buffalo Beat Cafe, which was pretty good. THEN, Colin and I drove Nitty home while Nitty sat in the back telling scary stories about his neighborhood and making Colin drive past the haunted house, WHICH freaked me out, especially after Colin randomly slammed on his brakes, looked out my window, and screamed. Thanks babe, I think I peed a little.

On Saturday, I woke up at 1pm and lazed around until Colin came over, and we played video games until 6, when we made reservations at Carrabbas. Then we got all dressed up in our homecoming stuff - since we didn't get to go to it - and went out :) My dad paid for it all too, so that was really nice. We got home and we thought about going to see City of Ember at the Oldmill Playhouse, but we were too full and found better things to do ;) He spent the night that night and we slept on the couch's pull-out bed, yay!

Today, after yummy pancakes made from my mommy, Colin took me to his house and we chilled. His mommy makes amazing hot artichoke spinach dip i think it's called? either way, OM NOM. Then we went to my house and he ate dinner here :p while I drank MILK and then we cuddled and talked and had a moment. Then he went home and now I'm doing this.

FIN.

we missed you tonight <3

comment!

Wednesday, October 8, 2008

I'm still fly !


I guess my mood has been at least a little better. I started doing this little yoga routine every morning and night and I've noticed it definitely makes me more cheerful. School is still really lame though. I have a C in science, but that should be easy to bring up. The nine weeks ends like next Friday though so I suppose I should hurry and do that. I'm not sure what grades I have in my other classes though. I need to turn in somethings for English, I know that much. I'm miserable in spanish though xD ugh, I don't understand what we're doing right now and we have a test tomorrow that I'm SO not ready for, especially since I missed 4 days last week. Guess I'll be cramming all night. Also, AP World History is kicking my butt because I do the work, but I just don't understand it xD history has never been my thing and I really don't like it. I can sit and listen, but it really just goes in one ear and out the other unfortunately. I try though :/ AND, this morning, I had to get dental work done and it sucked, I hate having a numb mouth. Luckily, it was really superficial stuff so nothing to complain about other than then the novacaine.

On the plus side, I can't wait for Subway Friday. Definitely amazing. I've been trying to eat a lot better too, to get in better shape and have more energy. I'm going to get back into Curves, since I haven't been there since before my surgery on June 10 xD Whoop! i love you all <3

Monday, October 6, 2008

Here's to the past;

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give me more old photos if you have them <3

"que te gusta me, timothy?"

"no tarea?"
"no."
"...jesus NO LE GUSTA!"

spanish is amazing, no?

comment x

Thursday, October 2, 2008

I wish that I

was looking into your eyes. I can't get through a day without having some sort of breakdown anymore. You're infecting my thoughts and I can't differentiate them from good or bad. I want to hold you, kiss you, and hear you talk. Words can't express the amount of pain I feel, knowing I'm not feeling your presence right now. I find myself wanting to tiptoe into your room, just to check up on you, see if you're sleeping okay. If not, I'd hold you until you could keep your perfect eyes shut for the night. I want to clean up after any mess you make and sing your tears away. I want to see you smile, at me, and feel on top of the world, knowing I caused it. I'd give up absolutely anything to have just a day to not leave your side, do everything with you, and do anything you want to do...but even I know a day wouldn't be enough. I want months, years, a lifetime. I talk, even though you're so far away that my words won't reach you. I cry, even though you aren't there to make me feel better. Most of all, I hurt, knowing I won't get the chance to do any of these things. Even so, you make my heart beat and you keep my lungs breathing even when I don't want to. One day, I will hold you, and until then, you will always be in my mind.

I love you and I miss you.

Wednesday, October 1, 2008

I abuse

things way too much. I'm sick, really sick, and I hate it. I don't like not being able to talk without searing pain in my throat. I don't like seeing through foggy eyes and burning up with fever. I don't know if I'm so hungry that my stomach hurts, or if I will puke. So, being home all day was annoying enough feeling like that, let alone my brother was sick too so he was just playing on xbox live, holy crap does that get old.

Being home all day is great because of no school or drama or need to be social. The negative part is having way too much time on your own to think, think...think. That's all you can do. Sure, you can watch TV or read, but at one point or another, your mind is bound to wander into shady areas that you don't wish to think about. I could feel so many feelings resurface and...

I'm sorry. You know who you are, and I need to apologize. Half of me doesn't want to, but the other knows I have to. I love you and I'm sorry.

I made bad choices today and unfortunately it's probably written all over me if I can't hide the guilt.

I need to write, to vent, to get out everything I'm bottling up oh so tightly inside... goodnight <3

Oh and you have made me so miserable.

x

Sunday, September 28, 2008

I am a dreamer.

So, on Friday, after school, Nitty, Hooly, Carolina, and I went to subway, om nom :) After that, Colin came over and we hung out for awhile, pretty much being lazy and stuff :p On Saturday, SheriClarity and I went homecoming dress shopping in Gainesville ;D Sheri got a supah pretty dress that looks amazing on her. After that, we went to Olive Garden and I laughed harder than I have in a really long time. "It's a chin kickstand!"

Then Colin came over. It was our 8 month anniversary :D so we were going to see a movie but didn't feel like it :p drove around for awhile with the butt heaters on in the seats and the AC down to 60, windows down, and gangsta hoods up! I love him a lot a lot a lot <33

Today, mom took me to Paddock Mall to look for a dress and I got a lovely one :D It's red. That's all I'll say for now :) Now I'm home and I need to do some homework. I don't feel like going to school this week, but at least Homecoming is Saturday :)

I love you all <3

Thursday, September 25, 2008

THINK FAST

is something I really want to do. Information!

1. Skip lunch on Friday
2. Get with your friends
3. Pray to end abortion
4. End with the band prayer
5. Do it every Friday

The Band Prayer;

“Jesus, I plead your blood over my sins and the sins of my nation. God, end abortion and send revival to America.”
I think it would be a piece of cake to not eat lunch just once a week to pray for the end of abortion. I never knew what the red tape with LIFE written across it meant until Michael told me it meant that it was Pro-Life. Immediately, I wanted one, for I have always been against abortion. So now I have two red tape wristbands, one on each arm, with LIFE written on them in Sharpie. I wear these proudly and answer proudly when people ask me what they mean. I just got them today and even as I saw more and more new people wearing them, I felt stronger and happier.
This needs to stop.
I'm going to try to get a real band.
God Bless <3

Wednesday, September 24, 2008

"Comparisons

are easily turned once you've had a taste of perfection." - Katy Perry.

Today was okay. My favorite part was THE Survey (created by Shurr-Boo and Allay-Chan) it's amazing and you're jealous. So far; 19 people! We rock, we rawkkk :D I've learned some pretty interesting things too :p

I prayed today too. Outside, with a few people. It was easy to hear people around us saying, "are they really PRAYING?" and laughing. I felt a surge of energy and faith flow through me and I just smiled because I felt God was there and it doesn't matter what they think. I love everyone <321

My mommy was in the hospital today getting tests done because she's really sick and somethings wrong with her intestines, so please pray for her †

I can't find my retainer, it's slightly annoying. La, I'm scared for doing the debate tomorrow in AP World History xD xD

Colin and I are together for 8 months this Saturday :D that's a long time, yeah. I love him <3

SURVEYYY SURVEYYY

Ima go do something fun <3

I LOVE YOU ALL ALL ALL

comment, babies

Tuesday, September 23, 2008

I hope to God

Number 1 isn't me. If it is, we should talk, we really should. Even if it isn't, I'm going to say this:

I miss you. I miss you more than I ever thought possible. I'm sorry I wasn't always there for you, I didn't realize you were going through that much trouble? But you have to understand... I went through living HELL this summer, do you realize that? I lost so much, you can't possibly comprehend it. I needed you. Badly. As my best friend, my BEST friend, you were there for me and I can't thank you more. You helped me to realize I could stay strong through it and you were the FIRST PERSON i voiced the idea too. That's why it hurts so fucking bad that now I feel so thrown aside. I feel horrid that you say 'when i needed you, where were you?' You know how bad that makes me feel? I would drop anything in the world to help you! I didn't know you were having such a hard time! If you told me, I'm sorry, I'm SORRY if I didn't listen. I lost myself this summer, I lost half of my heart with it and I'm fucking sorry if I didn't understand. I didn't expect in a million years I would lose our friendship over that.

Summer seems so far past now, but I'm even crying now as I type this. I love you, I always will. I don't know what more you want me to say. You annoyed me to no end sometime and I know I did the same to you, but I hate how badly this is hurting me. I don't know who to go to anymore! I just don't understand how you ask where I was when I know you know where I was and what I was going through. That doesn't mean I wouldn't help you though! I would have tried my best! I'm SORRY.

I don't know what else to say.

Sunday, September 21, 2008

Here we go;

Weekend = interesting. Mostly good though. On Friday, I went to the fall fest and hung out with Nitty, Allie, Hannah, Colin, those people :) It was boring though. Taco Bell is nom nom worthy! On Saturday, Colin came over and we pretty much chilled. I went searching for spray wax and ended up with epic failure. Then today, I went to Sally's and got some 18" hair extensions in BLACK :D and got some spray wax from Wal(star)Mart. It was pretty lame today though, I was in a wicked weird mood and I'm having weird head/visual things. I got home and TRIED to nap but Colin was too awake :p

I'm still trying to deal with figuring my life out. I went to church Saturday night for the first time in over a year. I loved it. I missed it. It made me feel so fresh. It was Church @ The Springs, in Ocala. They're SO down to Earth and you can easily relate. They sing up-to-date songs and just make you feel like you're all a big family. I vowed to myself to go every Saturday.

I need to start taking pictures for Mr. Archer at school. He needs one for the cover of the Daily Sun and asked me to do it. I need to give it to him in time to edit it by October 4th xD I'm glad he asked me though, I think I'm going to join the Journalism Academy next year :D

I want to apologize ahead of time if I become mean to some of you, like I said, my emotions are on a roller coaster right now. I miss a certain part of me, a part I can't share with everyone. I miss it oh so much and it's hard right now for some reason. Since I've been off the Prozac, my emotions are easier to get out. I cry more easily and anger is let out quicker. So excuse me for that.

God bless <3