It was possibly

the worst day in awhile. I felt humiliated being at school with my super red eyes and worn out look. I couldn't even keep a straight face 2 minutes into being there, broke down to Kristina, which is something I haven't done in a long time. I don't know if I've ever cried at school? And if I have I was able to control it or something cause this scared me, letting people see me like that. I only wish I had gotten there earlier so I had more time to clean myself up before going to class, cause then of course I got a lot of questioning looks.

I'm incredibly exhausted, wasted a whole night last night just crying on and off. My eyes burn and my throat is sore. I've never cried a whole night in and out of sleep, and then woke up the next day and began crying again. Usually if you have a bad night, the following morning is a new day. Definitely wasn't my case. I'm sitting there trying to get my stuff together and have tears rolling down my face when my mom says, "You need to try harder. You can't fall apart at school..." and I toned her out for the rest.

I know what she was going to say. If they see you, they'll ask to talk to us, and it might lead you back into therapy and maybe you do need back on your medication after all.

School felt pointless to me today. I felt like I needed to leave and actually do something important instead of just sitting there class after class, just to tell them I didn't have the homework they were looking for. Maybe I need to go back to therapy. Maybe I need the medications again. I don't want the meds, honestly. I finally feel REAL again. My emotions are sensitive right now but I love it because when I was on the medication, I felt like a brick wall; I didn't really feel sadness. I felt happiness and anger and most other things, but sadness was rejected. I feel more complete now that I can freely feel that emotion. Watching TV with my mom last night, I cried because it was a sad episode. Months ago, on medication, I wouldn't have been able to cry no matter how hard I tried.

I could probably deal with therapy though. Maybe. As long as she wouldn't sit there and nod at me and just stare at me all the time like she used to do. On second thought, maybe that would be too much. I have this huge TO-DO list that needs a lot of crossing off. Mainly doctors appointments that I need to make... I want to be on my own right now. I want to be out of school and on toward more important things. I honestly can't shake the feeling that I'm not doing the right thing, I'm supposed to be doing SOMETHING, but I don't know what it is.

I'm driving myself crazy praying over it.

I miss you.
I miss you.
I miss you.
I miss you.
I miss you.
I miss you.
I miss you.
I miss you.
I miss you.
I miss you.
I miss you.
I miss you.
I miss you.
I miss you.
I miss you.
I miss you.
I miss you.
I miss you.
I miss you.
I miss you.
I miss you.
I miss you.
I miss you.
I miss you.
I miss you.
I miss you.
I miss you.
I miss you.
I miss you.
I miss you.
I miss you.
I miss you.
I miss you.
I miss you.
I miss you.
I miss you.
I miss you.
I miss you.
I miss you.
I miss you.
I miss you.
I miss you.
I miss you.
I miss you.

Why did you leave me here?