Thursday, January 29, 2009

We signed 3, 4, 5 on the dotted line

I really don't like feeling fine and happy one minute and then confused/torn the next. So, I'm going to give up. I'm not even going to try anymore. I'm simply going to just go with whatever. I feel like no matter what I do, I get criticized or I make someone angry. I'm sick of thinking I've got something good going, only to become annoyed or upset. I'm so tired of feeling conflicted, I'm just smiling now. I have no idea anymore. Really, I don't. I miss things in my past so much it's ridiculous. I don't have any idea who I am right now, where I'm going, or what I want.

Oh man.

And I'm worrying that I stretched my ears too fast. I hope not. I'd really like to clean them right now but I'm not sure what to use. I'd ask my mom but I'm not supposed to have these gauges in the first place xD

Laterrr <3

Wednesday, January 28, 2009

This town will be the downfall of us all.

I almost drove myself insane today. I was in Kubik's class and he was reading us a really good story, but my mind kept wandering onto deeper things. When I say deeper things, I mean things like existence, eternity, and my human mind not being able to fathom the thought of it all. Seriously, I got swept up in thinking these horribly frustrating questions.

"Why are we here?"
"How did God always exist?"
"Who ARE we?"
"What is existence?"
"Why isn't there just nothing?"
"What is any of it?"

Seriously, thinking about it drove me crazy. Kubik's voice was waving in and out of my ears and my heart kept giving out random hard beats. It took me around fifteen minutes to finally get my thoughts directed toward the story that he was reading. It's just so irritating that our minds weren't created to understand. AGH.

My grandpa's in the hospital still. He was scheduled to go in yesterday morning for some back surgery. I heard the surgery went well and they were getting ready to discharge him when I guess his heart rate slowed down drastically. Apparently he had a heart block of some sort? I don't understand it completely, but they needed to keep him and he needs more surgery now, to put a pacemaker in. I just hope it all goes well. My dad has him on speaker phone right now and he sounds horrible; he's all drugged up and his voice is scratchy. Pray for him, please.

I went up another size in my gauges today. I wish I could be more open about it, but I'm scared to put my hair up or anything because my parents won't let me have them xD as far as they know, I'm still a size 14, not an 8. Oh well. I still can't get it in my right ear, so I look kind of weird with only my left ear gauged :p I'll work on it, but my right ear is never cooperative with going up sizes.

I got the new AP Magazine today :) I'm excited that A Day to Remember has their new CD coming out February 3rd! That's Tuesday, whoo :D I'm happy for that. I haven't done any homework yet and I know I have quite a bit. I wish I cared more about school. I know that I should, but I have such a hard time with motivation. The only classes I can stand are English II, Business, and Art II. I completely fail at history, I absolutely despise it. I promised myself that I would work really hard this semester, yet here I am again.

Also, I'm really tired of people acting like they know things about me when they have no idea. Especially them suggesting who I can or cannot be friends with? Please. I think someone is pushing their way into places they don't belong. Honestly, who do they think they are? I guess it doesn't matter though, I'm ignoring it. I'm not going to take it seriously. I just wish they would stop acting like they have rule over everything.

Have you ever slightly scared yourself but felt completely fine and confident at the same time? That happened to me today. Ah, just when I think I'm starting to understand who I am... I guess I really have no idea. I'm changing in my thoughts and emotions every single day, it seems, and once I think I'm feeling comfortable, something new arises and I'm left speechless and unsure of what to do next. I'm kind of getting sick of it though. I want to learn who I am and stay that way, although I don't believe that's ever possible, for anyone. We're constantly going to change. I just wish I didn't change so sporadically.

Oh, I really hope there's something great for me down the line.

I had a dream a few nights ago that I can't get out of my head, but I'm not going to share it. I'm just going to say that instead of making me sad, like it should have, it filled me with happiness. I think my mind is unfair to me. I think it enjoys my confusion. I think I'm way too complicated for myself right now.

The only things I'm certain about:
- I am in love.
- I am missing people.
- I am stuck in the past.
- I am ridiculously stubborn.
- I am so unsure about everything.

"You won't find me in the same spot, believe me.
I could never stop.
My life's turned upside down.
Meet me out past the train tracks.
I'm leaving and not coming back.
You're right and I was wrong.
This town will be the downfall of us all."

I want to expand my creativity. I wish I was better at art. Or at least took really cool photos.

Goodbye for now

Tuesday, January 27, 2009

One year today (:

I'm happy. I am very happy. Today is January 27, 2009 and it has officially been one full year that Colin and I have been together :D <3

On another note, I have a cold sore that hurts bad right nao.


I keep getting the urge to write so I think I'm going to finish up Colin's letter and then I'm going to work on a closure thing. POSSIBLY. I don't know about it yet. I think in order to do such a thing, you need to accept the closure. Meh, I don't know. I need to think about it some more. Unfortunately, I keep getting on here late at night, so I don't have any time to do a big blog D: but I will by sometime this weekend! I really feel like I need to, and I want to.

For now though, I'm going to lather my cold sore with Abreva and text my love <3

Goodnight !

Monday, January 26, 2009

You've never seen a face so unfamiliar

I don't really like thinking "What if..."

It seems like now with every situation that arises, I imagine it as if certain things never happened in my past. What if things went a different way? How would I react if I was in that place instead of my current one? It's a difficult thing to think about, really. I wish I could let go of the past. Sometimes I feel like I hold onto it so much that it's keeping future possibilities out. I'm still not sure about something and I wish that I could just have the answer handed to me. I'm having a hard time right now. I mean, really, life is doing good. I'm trying to try harder in school and I have great friends, but something isn't right mentally/emotionally. I'm not quite there yet, if that makes sense.

I'm seeing people differently. I have a hard time seeing them for their looks or personality. I've realized I'm really thinking hard about people, thinking of them as a soul instead of this body they're working in. I keep thinking of all of us as just souls that are learning. We've made so many mistakes, but that's our purpose.

I find it hard to grasp that part of our purpose is to make mistakes, to get hurt. It's hard to think that things that I have been through are all a destined part of my creation.

I'll have a gigantic blog tomorrow because it's a big day. For now, I'm annoyed with a cold sore, I feel like I can't get my thoughts out correctly, and it's too dark in the living room.


I was just trying to make a sammich

I had a really good afternoon. I went to the Art Club meeting and it should be a lot of fun. Next, I had a blast with Shar, Hooly, and Kelsey making fun of things on Hooly's iPod Touch, lmao. Then, I went to Curves with Shar and her mommy. Then Subway! Now I'm home and full and I have a ton of homework. Blah. I'm excited about tomorrow though :) tomorrow should be good, realllll good.

I feel kind of sick though. It's really warm in this house.

So tonight, I'm going to finish my homework and then I have some writing to do ;D I wish I could move, I hate where I live right now. Oh well, all in due time, I suppose.

Goodbye for now <3

Wednesday, January 21, 2009

Oh I'm begging you, please

I don't enjoy being forced to question everything about myself. I swear, I keep thinking that I'm satisfied with who I am, or at least am getting there, and then something happens that makes me feel stupid or faulted. I don't like feeling that way. I'm not sure where to turn right now. I feel conflicted, confused, and hurt. The hardest thing is even though I feel like I'm being pushed and pulled emotionally, I feel an overwhelming desire to be honest. To come clean.

I don't think I ever can.

Maybe some things are better kept secrets, no matter how much your blood boils or you lose sleep over it. I feel like I need to be cleansed, rid of the guilt. It's not like it was extreme, but still. I wish I could just be honest and say it. At the same time though, why do I want to? This is something that I've kept to myself for a long time, why now do I feel so guilty?

I don't feel guilty at the same time though. I'm not ashamed of what happened, nor do I feel sin for it. I just feel guilty for not being open with it. I can't be though.


"So a pain grows inside and a fear comes alive like you'll never be free"

Safetysuit is one of the only things keeping me sane at the moment.

I hate not knowing what to do. I'm starting to feel like a bad person :/ I think I just need God right now.

I wish I felt that familiar safety and comfort that I used to feel. I'm starting to feel weak now, torn down from so many different things.

I don't know what I want.

Tuesday, January 20, 2009

Taste the rainbow

I'm pretty tired of being sick. Sore throats get old fast fast fast. Today was another boring day, except Brandon just had to be home sick too. That's just annoying :/

Still, I miraculously had time to think between him begging me to make him food, and me swallowing to Chloroseptic (sp?). I feel refreshed after last night. Something just made me feel better and I was more optimistic and determined to fix things.

I'm not going to lose touch with you either :) so don't even try, k?

I'm pretty sure that I'm going back to school tomorrow and maybe hanging out with Colin? Cooool. I really want to do something fun this weekend though. I miss hanging out with people.

Tomorrow will be a good day, I say so.

By the way, in case anyone cares, I have faith in myself now.

Monday, January 19, 2009

You hold me down

I hate how you make me second guess every aspect of my life.
I hate missing you.
I hate feeling like you aren't here.
I hate that I make myself look back and it hurts me.
I hate how I can't get you out of my mind.
I hate how you make me feel like a horrible person.
I hate how I still feel like nothing without you.
I hate feeling like you have no idea how I'm holding up.
I hate the gut feeling that things will never be the same.
I hate how I can still be miserable over you.
I hate how you make me feel.
I hate that you aren't here.
I hate how you confuse me.
I hate how I can't talk to you about any of this.

I don't know what to do about any of it. If I had any doubts whatsoever before, they're gone now, and that makes me feel sick.

You made me cry today.

Actually, I don't know if it was really you. Maybe the memories, maybe it was my fault for looking back.

I miss you.

Wednesday, January 14, 2009

I know something you don't know

I'm busy trying to compare to possibilities. There are valid points to each one, but neither are really screaming out at me yet. For now, I'm just going to stay calm and take care of myself. I'm really proud of myself for my midterm grades. No, they aren't perfect, but I tried really hard to earn them.

Business - 85
AP World History - 84 (Thank God for that curve)
English II - 82 (Without writing grade yet)
Geometry - 84
Science - Don't know yet
Art II - 89
Spanish II - 70

So really, since I missed 10 days of school, the rule is I had to get 75% on every exam. Now, I'm pretty sure I did great on science, but Spanish was a problem. Sra. Hubbard says she thinks what they'll do is just give me a 59 for the semester :( So that will suck but I'm determined to keep A's this semester. I feel motivated and full of confidence, so I can do it :D

Well, mom's here, off to get new school stuff (:


Monday, January 12, 2009

It's always back to you

I had a dream that caused hesitance. I only now remembered it, too. It didn't make any sense, as dreams rarely do. However, it was jusssst enough to make me stop and think. Could it really be happening again? I'm trying to compare dreams, but I've spent so much time blocking that area of my life out that I don't remember. I guess I just need to wait and see.

I think I'm second guessing things in my life right now. I'm not sure about who I am right now, I'm changing in a lot of ways. However, I have noticed that The Secret is working. I'm meeting new people and have more confidence in myself. I like that part ;D

Exams are pretty easy. The only results I'm worried for are Spanish II :/ I'm hoping for the best. Life's pretty chill right now, I guess (:



Sunday, January 11, 2009

Just dance, Kipper.

I had a pretty freaking good weekend, to be honest :) Subway Friday wasn't as good because Shinedown wouldn't go with us and neither Ambyr nor Mandi was working :( but that's okay. Sheri had to fight with the guy there to give her just bread, aha xD

Friday night was decent too at the square. I met some cool people :)

Saturday my mom and I spent 70 dollars at Bath and Body Works :p but they were having AMAZING sales, oh my lawd. I also went to church, which was really good, then saw The Curious Case of Benjamin Button with Colin :D Long ass movie, but pretty good. "Did I ever tell you I've been struck by lightning 7 times?"

Then today, Mommy and I spent almost $350 at Kohl's! But that was okay, because we both needed new stuff really bad. I got lots of good shtuff.

Also, I'm pretty sure I gained a best friend this weekend <3 and I love it.

TOMORROW is half day and I'm not too worried about midterms. I'm starting to like my life again.

God Bless <3

Tuesday, January 6, 2009

hush hush, girl you talk too much

Today was better. I've talked myself into certainty of everything being all right, no matter what. I'm actually studying for midterms too, which is so unlike me. I missed mored than 10 days of school, though, so I have to get at least 75% on each one.

Art has become like the best part of the day. Today, I drew an AMAZING picture of Julian and I'm working on a masterpiece that will soon be Dustin ;D

Do you like my ponytail?
It's okay if you don't, SharClar does.


Monday, January 5, 2009

And a cry of ecstasy tore from her ribs

I'm only a little, tiny, kind of, sort of, maybe scared to death.
Hm :/
But that's okay, because I have faith and I have strength.

Saturday, January 3, 2009

Am I alone in this?

I think it's sad what people have become. It really disappoints me to see how people treat each other nowadays. Is it so bad that when we are hurt or confused, we reach for comfort? I for one, know that when you go through a serious situation, you want help. Sure, you might not just slap it down there for everyone to understand, but is it so bad to say you're having problems? I think it's sad that so many people just sit there and are hypocritical, saying that no one cares about your issues, blah blah. I am sick and tired of hearing that. I know way too many people who have been distressed and posted something to the public. A blog does that, a status does that, a bulletin does that.

So why do I hear so many people saying 'nobody cares about your problems.'

How SAD is that? NOBODY CARES ABOUT YOUR PROBLEMS. Who wants to hear that? Society is pathetic. We're supposed to care for one another, love one another, be there for one another. If all you do is complain, and then get all snotty because someone else complains? Think twice, that's wrong. I'm disappointed in people.

It shouldn't matter if it's a stupid problem, a big problem, a silly break up, a death, a fight, an illness, ANYTHING. If someone has a problem, they should be able to share it without being criticized.

So, I don't care what anyone says. If you are dealing with something, anything at all. Whether you stubbed your toe or your best friend just died, I say you can share it. You might not be able to talk to people who are thickheaded and ignorant, but you sure can talk to me. I'm here for anyone, every single one of you.

What society is today is pathetic. We need help, serious help. Or we'll have to pay the consequence.

God Bless.