Wednesday, January 21, 2009

Oh I'm begging you, please

I don't enjoy being forced to question everything about myself. I swear, I keep thinking that I'm satisfied with who I am, or at least am getting there, and then something happens that makes me feel stupid or faulted. I don't like feeling that way. I'm not sure where to turn right now. I feel conflicted, confused, and hurt. The hardest thing is even though I feel like I'm being pushed and pulled emotionally, I feel an overwhelming desire to be honest. To come clean.

I don't think I ever can.

Maybe some things are better kept secrets, no matter how much your blood boils or you lose sleep over it. I feel like I need to be cleansed, rid of the guilt. It's not like it was extreme, but still. I wish I could just be honest and say it. At the same time though, why do I want to? This is something that I've kept to myself for a long time, why now do I feel so guilty?

I don't feel guilty at the same time though. I'm not ashamed of what happened, nor do I feel sin for it. I just feel guilty for not being open with it. I can't be though.


"So a pain grows inside and a fear comes alive like you'll never be free"

Safetysuit is one of the only things keeping me sane at the moment.

I hate not knowing what to do. I'm starting to feel like a bad person :/ I think I just need God right now.

I wish I felt that familiar safety and comfort that I used to feel. I'm starting to feel weak now, torn down from so many different things.

I don't know what I want.


Anonymous said...

This may not make much sense, but when you are in a place where everything seems to be going wrong you are most likely to live in God. Becuase human nature is we can do it ourselves, but when we realize we can't then we are more willing to be close to God and live through him...the way it was intended. Keep faith and pray! I'll be praying for you!

NittyWood said...

I Love you
you will make it through this