Oh I'm begging you, please

I don't enjoy being forced to question everything about myself. I swear, I keep thinking that I'm satisfied with who I am, or at least am getting there, and then something happens that makes me feel stupid or faulted. I don't like feeling that way. I'm not sure where to turn right now. I feel conflicted, confused, and hurt. The hardest thing is even though I feel like I'm being pushed and pulled emotionally, I feel an overwhelming desire to be honest. To come clean.

I don't think I ever can.

Maybe some things are better kept secrets, no matter how much your blood boils or you lose sleep over it. I feel like I need to be cleansed, rid of the guilt. It's not like it was extreme, but still. I wish I could just be honest and say it. At the same time though, why do I want to? This is something that I've kept to myself for a long time, why now do I feel so guilty?

I don't feel guilty at the same time though. I'm not ashamed of what happened, nor do I feel sin for it. I just feel guilty for not being open with it. I can't be though.

I HATE FEELING SO TORN D:<

"So a pain grows inside and a fear comes alive like you'll never be free"

Safetysuit is one of the only things keeping me sane at the moment.

I hate not knowing what to do. I'm starting to feel like a bad person :/ I think I just need God right now.

I wish I felt that familiar safety and comfort that I used to feel. I'm starting to feel weak now, torn down from so many different things.

I don't know what I want.