Thursday, October 30, 2008

Up and down, spin me around

Today, I was tired. How's that for a surprise? Right now, I feel like my old self. Like as in, my 2007 self. I'm listening to stuff like Bullet for my Valentine (first cd) and it just makes me think of things. Like, Nitty. One of the first times I ever really had a conversation with him was on piczo, and Tears Don't Fall was on his page :) Right now I have his Domo and we're listening to music :D

Days aren't getting any easier yet. I have so many things I want to say to people... so many more 'anonymous comments'...but i'll just keep my mouth shut. I'm cold and sad right now.

Y'know, whatever. I'm doing the comments anyway.

I don't understand what you're doing or why. It confuses me, and not just me. Why are you all close to this person? Why them? What about us? It's annoying. Really, really annoying.

Oh I'm sorry, you still acknowledge my existance?

I hope to God you're not right. But part of me hopes that's why things went wrong.

I miss you so much, each and everyday of my life, every second of it. Stupid things get to me because of it. I do wish you'd come back to me <3


Wednesday, October 29, 2008

I need to go the the dr

I feel sick, very sick. I'm worried and frustrated and I would like to know what's going on. I have so many questions. Were you right? Is that the reason everything went wrong? Why didn't I check first? Is this why nothing's working? Is this what You want me to be doing?

I think it is. I think I'm doing the right thing and that's why signs are showing up everywhere I go. I feel like everything fell right into place to say, "Hello! Do this, now." So I'm going to.

People have been easily pissing me off lately. My patience and temper is getting lower and lower. I keep taking it out on Colin and I feel really, really bad because of it D: School is the worst thing ever right now too. It's a brand new start, the beginning of the second nine weeks and I'm barely doing anything. Sleep is another thing to, I'm so not getting enough. I think falling asleep in 3 or 4 classes a day is getting old.

On the plus side, I'm so incredibly happy that it's getting cold...I love it so much :) Hoodies and skinny jeans ftw <3

I want to go on a serious shopping spree, I need new clothes so bad. I really like the Kohls they put in down in Lady Lake :) I saw Hooly and his madre there tonight when I was there with Colin. MOMORMORNING WOOD

Right now, I'd kill for a cup of hot chocolate from Ghirardelli, Colin, and a big, happy dog! All by a fire. Sigh, I hate Florida xD

I guess I just need to get through tomorrow and wait until it's Friday so that I can see Colin again <3 I love youuuu.


Tuesday, October 28, 2008


are always just as lame as Mondays. I got barely any sleep last night, didn't do any homework, and it took my mom everything she had just to get me out of bed. Yesterday was that bad. I went anyway, but it was awkward and I was in some weird mood. I finally called her to come and get me and she got there around one. From there, she took me to Steak n Shake and told me that she called the school this morning and yelled at them.

The thing is, I know it was required that I was questioned. But they kept me there for 2 and a half hours and pressed way too deep into my private life. They asked me questions they had no right to ask me, that had nothing to do with the issue, then criticized me on the choices I've made this past year. Not only did they attack me, but they constantly attacked my mother too, saying things like, "Well if I was your mother..." or "That wasn't smart of your mother..." and "I sure wouldn't allow that in MY house."

So I told my mom this, because God, that offended me. So she called today and talked to one of the ladies and complained for like a good 20 minutes. The lady she called though, I was okay with. It was the other one >:/ So my mom's going to call HER tomorrow. The one she talked to today apologized and said she knew the other lady was pushing where she wasn't welcome, but she didn't want to interrupt.

So basically, I should have only been in that office for at most 30 minutes, but no, 150 minutes sounded better. By the end, I'm pretty sure I cried enough to make up for the past month.

ANYWAYANYWAY; I don't want to go back tomorrow either. I feel like they know everything now and I hate that feeling. But at the same time I learned that I just can't trust anyone right now, I guess.

I'm sorry if you're mad at me.

Hopefully Wednesdays aren't as lame as Tuesdays and Mondays xD should be better since Colin is picking me up like always <3 Bah.

I wish it was Subway Friday or something, I want the weekend back.


Monday, October 27, 2008


Yeah, today sucked "donkey kong balls" in the words of Razzle. Waking up seemed like a mistake. Was late, got a detention since it was my 4th one. Fucking hell, if I'm going to get a detention, I'd at least want it to be for something hardcore.

"What are you in detention for?"
"I was late for school 4 about you?"

Yeah, see. Like, a really hardcore, messy paint fight, right, Shurr? ;D late for 4 days in all of the school year so far. No srsly, i hate that school so much D:

So in Business I realize I left my AP World History notes at home, which took me up until 2am to do! *insert rude word*

Then the rest of the day was shot to hell. Like, I can't even explain it. Got out of geometry and science though, ftw? I suppose.

Didn't really eat lunch, except for fries.

I don't think I did too great on my spanish II test either. Cultura always, always gets me. And the question words like cual and cuantos and crap.

Then Brandon decided to be sick so when Mom picked me up, I had to sit in the car while we drove to Leesburg for the doctor to tell him he has a pretty bad cold. Thanks, doc. I can't stand to listen to the kid talk, holy shit xD I hate that mucusy breathing, right MICHAEL?!

Anywhore; I learned today that I just can't trust people. I'll just keep things to myself now thanks.

I secretly hope Brandon like sneezes all over my pillow so I catch his grossness. School tomorrow? Not sounding so great.

Comment <3

Thursday, October 23, 2008


I hope you had an amazing day, birthday girl <3 you had to of loved your card ;D i know that much. Lawd, that cookie cake was amazing, muchas gracias for sharing. Saturday should pretty much own (:

I have more anonymous comments. But only a few. Here we go!;

I wish you weren't so scared. I wish you would agree with me and do what I want. I know it would turn out just fine. I wouldn't ever let anything bad happen to you. I love you. I wish you weren't so scared.

I feel bad for you a lot of the time because it seems you let people do what they want to you. I love you a lot!

You annoy me more and more each day but I don't even know how to approach you so I just stay quiet about it.

I haven't been paying much attention to you lately and I'm sorry. I love you and we need to hang out soon.

You make lunchtime the best part of my day <3

I sometimes miss the friendship we used to have. But now that I take time to really look at you and analyze you, it makes me sad to know that you've hurt me so bad without knowing it, and I went through hell and back for you. You changed my life so completely. If it weren't for you, I wouldn't be who I am today. For the record, I hate who I am today.

I miss you more and more every single day and just looking at your picture makes my heart soar.

I hope you're doing all right.

Okay so this time it's only FOUR different people. Each person is in here twice. You can ask if you're in here but I can't promise I'll tell you which one you are.


Wednesday, October 22, 2008

I'm surprised

at how many people talked me about the previous blog entry, with the anonymous comments. I know I said I wouldn't say anything but it's kinda hard. So here's how it is. If you want to know if you're in it, just ask, and I'll answer with a simple yes or no and how many times you're in it. If you think you know which one you are, tell me or ask me. If you're right, I'll say yes, if you're wrong, I'll say no. It's that simple. I don't like hurting people.

Today was really boring until after school when I went to Target with Nitty and Colin. I loves them. We got stuff for Lucy, whose birthday is tomorrow! Then Nitty went home and Colin and I had lots of fun together. I truly, really, love him a lot :D <333333333333

"I'm missing you so much, I'll see you die tonight, just so I can get to you before the sun will rise."

Tuesday, October 21, 2008

Wanna know some secrets?

Every single time I see your face, even if only in pictures, I get a huge urge throughout my body to throw large objects at it. Your smile enrages me and sometimes I find myself wanting to throw you off a cliff. Oh yeah, and your lisp is annoying.

I never feel like leaving your side. You're one of my best friends, honestly. I feel closer to you than anyone at the moment. I love that we're hanging out more.

I've flipped through so many scenarios in my head and I just can't picture you coming to your senses anytime soon. I've talked to other people about this and I need to get over you. I'll carry the hurt for awhile, but I've finally realized that YOU are the unreasonable and ridiculous one. I'll give my time to someone who will appreciate it and not throw it away, thanks. You're irritating. If I was able to slump down to your level, I'd ignore you. Since I'm better than you, I can't do that.

I love you and I miss you. Still. I miss the old days, I guess, but I'm sure I just need to pull up my big girl panties and deal with it. Nawh. I'll stay how I am in this case because I know it has to be worth it. I know you're really busy, just try to remember things, okay? I may annoy you with constantly coming to you with this but, if you really think, I know you know why. I'm going to be stubborn.

I've lied to you so, so many times. I wanted to tell you. But now it's too late and I'm afraid you'd hate me. I can't ever tell you.

You confuse me. I don't understand the things you do, yet I find I'm jealous of you in a few ways. I think I should get over that.

I went behind your back.

Sometimes I have dreams that it's you and me. There's someone with us that we both love. But it's not who it should be.

I sometimes question your sanity. I know you're smart, please quit playing dumb. It isn't cute. It isn't funny. It's annoying and makes me want to shake you awake.

When the three of us are hanging out, I feel like we're better than anyone else. That I'm better than all the people bothering me. That they don't know what they're missing. That I want to be friends with you forever. You two make me so happy.

Sometimes, I feel like I have to choose between you two. Person A and Person B. Normally, I'm all for A. But when B comes around, I can only think of all the things A has done to hurt me. Then I focus all my attention on B. But B backs away and I'm stuck with A.

I hope you know you're incredibly mean. I hope somewhere, deep inside your soul, you'll find something that will make you realize that you're being pathetic. I know it won't happen, you're so deep into being a bitch. You've changed my friend so far beyond what they used to be.

You've changed my friend too.

I miss you and I wish you'd call me. Or email me. Or anything. I miss us being retarded together. It's been way, way too long.

I love you so much and I'm sorry I've been postponing things when it comes to you. I've already learned from a past experience that if I keep doing that, it will be too late once I get around to it. Don't worry. Soon, you'll get what you've been asking for. I miss you <3

When you talk, all I hear in my head is horrible, horrible names for you.

You seriously kill my self esteem and make me feel bad.

I laugh at your lack of intelligence, yet you flare my jealousy.

You make my day so easily and I'm glad we agree on so many things. It's really nice to have someone to talk to about situations that I'm dealing with, that we're BOTH dealing with.

You used to scare me in a way. Now, I think you're annoying and your breath smells bad. Sometimes, when you're with your bf/gf, I want to throw up.

You've changed so much from back when we first started talking. I never bring it up, but I really, really miss those times.

You always stole my spotlight. Now I'm glad you're taking a new road. Even though it's one that disgusts me and makes me dislike you. At least I finally feel like I can accept myself.

I love you with my entire heart, body, mind, and soul. And you know it.

Sometimes when I'm with you, I secretly pretend we're out of school and are wasting our time with a joke of an education.

I have no idea who you are. Yet I know you like the back of my hand. I love you and I hate you.

That's it for tonight. Some people are in here more than once. And for times I put ' my friend ' or ' bf/gf ' is because I don't want to possibly give away the gender or any hints. I probably shouldn't have said some of these things cause they're pretty mean, but I needed to get them out. And don't ask if you're in here or which number you think you might be. I don't care who you are, no one's going to get an answer from me. Unless I have a change of heart. Maybe.


Monday, October 20, 2008


I'm going to have a busy Saturday. I'm going to a wedding around 6 and Lucy's party is from 6 - 9 so I'll need to find a way to get there xD Plus, I need a gift so yippee. Don't worry, Luce, it'll be great :D

School is still blah. It's not BAD, it just seems to be dragging so much. And I feel like I did last year. I WANT to do the work, but I have zer0 motivation. Or, I do the work, and don't turn it in. I could be getting A's, but I'm stuck with F's, D's, or C's. It sucks and I'm unhappy with myself for that reason.

I'm going to work for my mom this week and my goal is to get $700. Shouldn't take too long. Well I'm happy too cause Nitty gave me the SAFETYSUIT CD to burn. Honestly, they're great, they make me happy, go look them up, listen, and fall in love.

I miss my old life in a lot of ways...before everyone got busy or filled with disgusting ego. It's like each day is just one tiny step and it's taking forever to get to the rainbow. Are lucky charms all that worth it?

Comment, I love you <3

Thursday, October 16, 2008

I simply

dislike you.
with a lot of my being.

Tuesday, October 14, 2008

Tonight I want to be taken away

I hate feeling so right one moment...putting so much faith into the next step, knowing it's the most perfect thing to do. Then the next, it's like you're worried, upset that you're going to do the wrong thing. And I hate that my mind is pulling me one way so far while my heart seems so unsure. I'm going day by day feeling more and more insecure but trying so hard to let go of it and just let things happen. I feel like I'm working incredibly hard to be better, make good choices, and just listen. Right now I feel like I'm being tested and I know it's a part of life but I wish it wasn't right NOW. I guess there's no choice on that though. I'm emotionally and physically exhausted and school is the last place I want to be. I can't concentrate on any of it except ART which is my favorite right now because painting seems most peaceful, even if it is ugly abstract stuff, I feel like I have control over it. I don't like that automatically, I'm feeling sorry for myself, but at the same time, I feel the need to just let myself be aware of it. So then, I suppose, it's not self pity.

Also, I'm not so sure letting go of the past is always a good thing? I don't know. I guess eventually I could start to think of it less and less...but I don't ever want to forget. I thought I found some hope for awhile and I held onto it for dear, dear life. Now I feel as maybe it's running from me..I hope not, I really do. Maybe I just need to keep my focus on it.

I miss Colin.
I miss you.
I miss you, too.
I need You.
I love you, you, you, and You.

I feel like crying, goodnight

Happy Birthday, Allyson <3

OM NOM! I turned 15 today, voila. It was pretty good but I was sad that Nitty wasn't at school :( AFTER SCHOOL THOUGH! Colin picked me up (<33333) and we hung out and were all romantic :p until we went out to Red Lobster with my parents, brother, and grandpa. YUM. They sang me happy birthday YAY and I got cake :)

I loooooove Colin Austin Shaw <3 and I miss him a lot right now even though I saw him like an hour ago xD He's amazing and definitely made my birthday great :D I can't wait to see him again.

ALSO THANKS FOR PEOPLE WHO GOT ME CARDZ! I LOVE YOU <3 and myspace comments, *gazm*, they make me SMILE SO BIG LIKE :D

<33 love love

Sunday, October 12, 2008

My Weekend

On Friday, Carolina, Hooly, Nitty, Allie, and I went to Subway for Subway Friday :) and our people were there as always. We learned that if Nitty had an identical twin that was sent to the future while Nitty was frozen, that twin would marry the one employee there, hence the reason her son looks like a Nitty spawn. Afterward, Colin joined us and we all went to Carolina and Hooly's house, game room FTW. Nitty broke his belt and Hooly farted. Then, Buffalo Beat Cafe, which was pretty good. THEN, Colin and I drove Nitty home while Nitty sat in the back telling scary stories about his neighborhood and making Colin drive past the haunted house, WHICH freaked me out, especially after Colin randomly slammed on his brakes, looked out my window, and screamed. Thanks babe, I think I peed a little.

On Saturday, I woke up at 1pm and lazed around until Colin came over, and we played video games until 6, when we made reservations at Carrabbas. Then we got all dressed up in our homecoming stuff - since we didn't get to go to it - and went out :) My dad paid for it all too, so that was really nice. We got home and we thought about going to see City of Ember at the Oldmill Playhouse, but we were too full and found better things to do ;) He spent the night that night and we slept on the couch's pull-out bed, yay!

Today, after yummy pancakes made from my mommy, Colin took me to his house and we chilled. His mommy makes amazing hot artichoke spinach dip i think it's called? either way, OM NOM. Then we went to my house and he ate dinner here :p while I drank MILK and then we cuddled and talked and had a moment. Then he went home and now I'm doing this.


we missed you tonight <3


Wednesday, October 8, 2008

I'm still fly !

I guess my mood has been at least a little better. I started doing this little yoga routine every morning and night and I've noticed it definitely makes me more cheerful. School is still really lame though. I have a C in science, but that should be easy to bring up. The nine weeks ends like next Friday though so I suppose I should hurry and do that. I'm not sure what grades I have in my other classes though. I need to turn in somethings for English, I know that much. I'm miserable in spanish though xD ugh, I don't understand what we're doing right now and we have a test tomorrow that I'm SO not ready for, especially since I missed 4 days last week. Guess I'll be cramming all night. Also, AP World History is kicking my butt because I do the work, but I just don't understand it xD history has never been my thing and I really don't like it. I can sit and listen, but it really just goes in one ear and out the other unfortunately. I try though :/ AND, this morning, I had to get dental work done and it sucked, I hate having a numb mouth. Luckily, it was really superficial stuff so nothing to complain about other than then the novacaine.

On the plus side, I can't wait for Subway Friday. Definitely amazing. I've been trying to eat a lot better too, to get in better shape and have more energy. I'm going to get back into Curves, since I haven't been there since before my surgery on June 10 xD Whoop! i love you all <3

Monday, October 6, 2008

Here's to the past;

Image and video hosting by TinyPicImage and video hosting by TinyPicImage and video hosting by TinyPicImage and video hosting by TinyPicImage and video hosting by TinyPicImage and video hosting by TinyPicImage and video hosting by TinyPicImage and video hosting by TinyPic
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give me more old photos if you have them <3

"que te gusta me, timothy?"

"no tarea?"
"...jesus NO LE GUSTA!"

spanish is amazing, no?

comment x

Thursday, October 2, 2008

I wish that I

was looking into your eyes. I can't get through a day without having some sort of breakdown anymore. You're infecting my thoughts and I can't differentiate them from good or bad. I want to hold you, kiss you, and hear you talk. Words can't express the amount of pain I feel, knowing I'm not feeling your presence right now. I find myself wanting to tiptoe into your room, just to check up on you, see if you're sleeping okay. If not, I'd hold you until you could keep your perfect eyes shut for the night. I want to clean up after any mess you make and sing your tears away. I want to see you smile, at me, and feel on top of the world, knowing I caused it. I'd give up absolutely anything to have just a day to not leave your side, do everything with you, and do anything you want to do...but even I know a day wouldn't be enough. I want months, years, a lifetime. I talk, even though you're so far away that my words won't reach you. I cry, even though you aren't there to make me feel better. Most of all, I hurt, knowing I won't get the chance to do any of these things. Even so, you make my heart beat and you keep my lungs breathing even when I don't want to. One day, I will hold you, and until then, you will always be in my mind.

I love you and I miss you.

Wednesday, October 1, 2008

I abuse

things way too much. I'm sick, really sick, and I hate it. I don't like not being able to talk without searing pain in my throat. I don't like seeing through foggy eyes and burning up with fever. I don't know if I'm so hungry that my stomach hurts, or if I will puke. So, being home all day was annoying enough feeling like that, let alone my brother was sick too so he was just playing on xbox live, holy crap does that get old.

Being home all day is great because of no school or drama or need to be social. The negative part is having way too much time on your own to think, think...think. That's all you can do. Sure, you can watch TV or read, but at one point or another, your mind is bound to wander into shady areas that you don't wish to think about. I could feel so many feelings resurface and...

I'm sorry. You know who you are, and I need to apologize. Half of me doesn't want to, but the other knows I have to. I love you and I'm sorry.

I made bad choices today and unfortunately it's probably written all over me if I can't hide the guilt.

I need to write, to vent, to get out everything I'm bottling up oh so tightly inside... goodnight <3

Oh and you have made me so miserable.