You hold me down

I hate how you make me second guess every aspect of my life.
I hate missing you.
I hate feeling like you aren't here.
I hate that I make myself look back and it hurts me.
I hate how I can't get you out of my mind.
I hate how you make me feel like a horrible person.
I hate how I still feel like nothing without you.
I hate feeling like you have no idea how I'm holding up.
I hate the gut feeling that things will never be the same.
I hate how I can still be miserable over you.
I hate how you make me feel.
I hate that you aren't here.
I hate how you confuse me.
I hate how I can't talk to you about any of this.

I don't know what to do about any of it. If I had any doubts whatsoever before, they're gone now, and that makes me feel sick.

You made me cry today.

Actually, I don't know if it was really you. Maybe the memories, maybe it was my fault for looking back.

I miss you.

It was possibly

the worst day in awhile. I felt humiliated being at school with my super red eyes and worn out look. I couldn't even keep a straight face 2 minutes into being there, broke down to Kristina, which is something I haven't done in a long time. I don't know if I've ever cried at school? And if I have I was able to control it or something cause this scared me, letting people see me like that. I only wish I had gotten there earlier so I had more time to clean myself up before going to class, cause then of course I got a lot of questioning looks.

I'm incredibly exhausted, wasted a whole night last night just crying on and off. My eyes burn and my throat is sore. I've never cried a whole night in and out of sleep, and then woke up the next day and began crying again. Usually if you have a bad night, the following morning is a new day. Definitely wasn't my case. I'm sitting there trying to get my stuff together and have tears rolling down my face when my mom says, "You need to try harder. You can't fall apart at school..." and I toned her out for the rest.

I know what she was going to say. If they see you, they'll ask to talk to us, and it might lead you back into therapy and maybe you do need back on your medication after all.

School felt pointless to me today. I felt like I needed to leave and actually do something important instead of just sitting there class after class, just to tell them I didn't have the homework they were looking for. Maybe I need to go back to therapy. Maybe I need the medications again. I don't want the meds, honestly. I finally feel REAL again. My emotions are sensitive right now but I love it because when I was on the medication, I felt like a brick wall; I didn't really feel sadness. I felt happiness and anger and most other things, but sadness was rejected. I feel more complete now that I can freely feel that emotion. Watching TV with my mom last night, I cried because it was a sad episode. Months ago, on medication, I wouldn't have been able to cry no matter how hard I tried.

I could probably deal with therapy though. Maybe. As long as she wouldn't sit there and nod at me and just stare at me all the time like she used to do. On second thought, maybe that would be too much. I have this huge TO-DO list that needs a lot of crossing off. Mainly doctors appointments that I need to make... I want to be on my own right now. I want to be out of school and on toward more important things. I honestly can't shake the feeling that I'm not doing the right thing, I'm supposed to be doing SOMETHING, but I don't know what it is.

I'm driving myself crazy praying over it.

I miss you.
I miss you.
I miss you.
I miss you.
I miss you.
I miss you.
I miss you.
I miss you.
I miss you.
I miss you.
I miss you.
I miss you.
I miss you.
I miss you.
I miss you.
I miss you.
I miss you.
I miss you.
I miss you.
I miss you.
I miss you.
I miss you.
I miss you.
I miss you.
I miss you.
I miss you.
I miss you.
I miss you.
I miss you.
I miss you.
I miss you.
I miss you.
I miss you.
I miss you.
I miss you.
I miss you.
I miss you.
I miss you.
I miss you.
I miss you.
I miss you.
I miss you.
I miss you.
I miss you.

Why did you leave me here?

It is so hard to let you go

and I regret every second of taking you for granted. I regret complaining and wishing things were different. I regret crying over you and being angry because of you. I regret telling people about you. I regret wishing bad things upon you. I even regret talking to you sometimes because I feel it would be easier if I never had. I haven't tried talking to you in awhile and I don't know how you're doing, but I hope well. I'm sure you're happy, I so dearly hope that's true. I hope that you think about me a lot and that you're wishing good things for me. I hope that you're being taken care of and you are loved. I hope that you know if I could go back and change what happened, I would do it in a heartbeat. I hope you understand that I was scared and unsure of where I was going in life.

I would do anything to become close to you, as close as I am to you in my dreams, which you are constantly in. I wake up each morning missing you more and more and wishing you were still by my side so to speak. I feel empty without you and so very alone. Sometimes I share these thoughts with people who knew about you. They typically tell me the same thing and that's to let go or move on or tell me that there will be others like you. But they're wrong, they are so incredibly wrong. I'll never let go. My pain will heal when it's ready to heal and neither they nor I have control over that. The other thing they're wrong about is that there will never be anyone like you again. Others will come around but nobody like you. I will forever have to keep you in my heart as I see you. I miss you, I miss you so much and nobody can understand quite honestly the extent of that. Please think of me. I'm striving so hard to make you proud but I'm getting nothing back. Are you proud of me? I'm working on it.. I really am. It's not so easy when I'm so caught up in the fact that you're not here. It seems to hit me as fresh news every single time I open my eyes.

People don't get the fact that things would have turned out fine, had I not messed up. Or did I mess up? What happened that you left me? Either way, I have faith in knowing that life would have been incredible with you still here. There would have been hard times, as always, but with the amount of passion I have for you, and the amount of care God has for the both of us, we would have been just fine.. life would have been just fine.

You changed my life forever and I won't ever, ever forget you. I know we can't ever go back.. but I wish we could. Please hope for happiness for me and I hope the same for you. I'm sorry if I let you down. I love you with every particle of my being, more than I could ever love anyone.. <3

My Weekend

On Friday, Carolina, Hooly, Nitty, Allie, and I went to Subway for Subway Friday :) and our people were there as always. We learned that if Nitty had an identical twin that was sent to the future while Nitty was frozen, that twin would marry the one employee there, hence the reason her son looks like a Nitty spawn. Afterward, Colin joined us and we all went to Carolina and Hooly's house, game room FTW. Nitty broke his belt and Hooly farted. Then, Buffalo Beat Cafe, which was pretty good. THEN, Colin and I drove Nitty home while Nitty sat in the back telling scary stories about his neighborhood and making Colin drive past the haunted house, WHICH freaked me out, especially after Colin randomly slammed on his brakes, looked out my window, and screamed. Thanks babe, I think I peed a little.

On Saturday, I woke up at 1pm and lazed around until Colin came over, and we played video games until 6, when we made reservations at Carrabbas. Then we got all dressed up in our homecoming stuff - since we didn't get to go to it - and went out :) My dad paid for it all too, so that was really nice. We got home and we thought about going to see City of Ember at the Oldmill Playhouse, but we were too full and found better things to do ;) He spent the night that night and we slept on the couch's pull-out bed, yay!

Today, after yummy pancakes made from my mommy, Colin took me to his house and we chilled. His mommy makes amazing hot artichoke spinach dip i think it's called? either way, OM NOM. Then we went to my house and he ate dinner here :p while I drank MILK and then we cuddled and talked and had a moment. Then he went home and now I'm doing this.

FIN.

we missed you tonight <3

comment!

I feel

replaced. I'm having a hard time grasping that you'd choose her over me in some cases, believe her before you'd believe me. I don't get why I'm immediately the first suspect, but you know she'd never do something like that. I don't think it's fair that you're suddenly doing this, and I hope you know it hurts. Yeah, it really does. I miss you and I miss the way you used to be in some ways. You've changed/are changing a lot and I can't help but think some of it is her. I don't like the feeling that I'm losing you and I hate feeling like I need to fight for you, I shouldn't have to. It makes me mad but also really sad to see how easily I'm set aside in your point of view.

Today sucked. I got really sick in second period, almost threw up before third, got sick again in third, had to call my dad to bring me medicine, then had a serious issue xD, had to go home after fourth, dad sent me back at the end of fifth, and I forgot to do all my spanish homework. Apparently all my teachers are telling my dad I'm either too chatty or I don't do my homework. Well fuck school, and fuck this year, it's God damn lame and I hate it, I hate school so much.

I'm getting my new phone TOMORROW, hopefully. It was supposed to be Monday, then today, but now I'm pretty sure tomorrow. BETTER BE TOMORROW. I'm getting impatient, and my phone sucks balls. Colin came over today though, so that made me feel better :) I love him <3>

Oh and I miss you. Not you from above, but a new you. I miss you more than you can imagine and I hate how you're never around. I know it's not your fault, it's your life, but I miss you, oh so much. And I love you <3

I hope tomorrow's better.

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