You've never seen a face so unfamiliar

I don't really like thinking "What if..."

It seems like now with every situation that arises, I imagine it as if certain things never happened in my past. What if things went a different way? How would I react if I was in that place instead of my current one? It's a difficult thing to think about, really. I wish I could let go of the past. Sometimes I feel like I hold onto it so much that it's keeping future possibilities out. I'm still not sure about something and I wish that I could just have the answer handed to me. I'm having a hard time right now. I mean, really, life is doing good. I'm trying to try harder in school and I have great friends, but something isn't right mentally/emotionally. I'm not quite there yet, if that makes sense.

I'm seeing people differently. I have a hard time seeing them for their looks or personality. I've realized I'm really thinking hard about people, thinking of them as a soul instead of this body they're working in. I keep thinking of all of us as just souls that are learning. We've made so many mistakes, but that's our purpose.

I find it hard to grasp that part of our purpose is to make mistakes, to get hurt. It's hard to think that things that I have been through are all a destined part of my creation.

I'll have a gigantic blog tomorrow because it's a big day. For now, I'm annoyed with a cold sore, I feel like I can't get my thoughts out correctly, and it's too dark in the living room.

Goodnight.

I know something you don't know

I'm busy trying to compare to possibilities. There are valid points to each one, but neither are really screaming out at me yet. For now, I'm just going to stay calm and take care of myself. I'm really proud of myself for my midterm grades. No, they aren't perfect, but I tried really hard to earn them.

Business - 85
AP World History - 84 (Thank God for that curve)
English II - 82 (Without writing grade yet)
Geometry - 84
Science - Don't know yet
Art II - 89
Spanish II - 70

So really, since I missed 10 days of school, the rule is I had to get 75% on every exam. Now, I'm pretty sure I did great on science, but Spanish was a problem. Sra. Hubbard says she thinks what they'll do is just give me a 59 for the semester :( So that will suck but I'm determined to keep A's this semester. I feel motivated and full of confidence, so I can do it :D

Well, mom's here, off to get new school stuff (:

LEAVE SOME LOVIN' !

Hello, Dear

Friday's concert at HOB was pretty dang good :) We the Kings and The Academy Is... were all right, seeing as I don't like them too much. Fall Out Boy, however, was amazing. For my first concert ever, I was really satisfied :D Except until Colin and Julian decided to join a mosh pit xD

Afterward, we went to the Virgin store and Nitty bought a Fight Club poster :p I wanted to get something Hello Kitty but I was too tired xD I definitely fell asleep on the ride home, leaning on Colin. Pretty sure Hooly fell asleep leaning on me too, haha.

Saturday was a lame day, I slept most of it and ended up making my mom mad :/ but church made up for it. I really admire the pastor there. He has a brain tumor and as he's up there talking to us, he tells us he has double vision and how "currently there are about 3,000 of you out there." yet he still smiles and put all of his heart into his work. God definitely has him.

I'm really moody right now, more so than usual. Isn't PMS great? Ugh. My back hurts from putting up the Christmas tree and for some reason I feel like I ate way too much food today. Weird. I want to hurry on to Curves.

I'm both excited and sad about this being the last week of school before Christmas Break. I'm excited because, duh, no school and Christmas. I'm sad though because Colin will be gone the entire break, in North Dakota, and I don't know what I'm going to do. I hate, HATE being without him D: I can barely stand it when he goes home at night. Going from Sunday to Wednesday seems torturous enough.

I've been thinking about my future a lot lately and praying about it a lot. So here's to You, God. I need Your guidance. I want to understand these feelings and desires. Why have they not gone away and why is this something I want so bad? Why would I be willing to give up everything I had for it? It doesn't make any sense but it's consuming me and distracting me and causing problems for me. I'd really love Your help, please.

I hate homework. I hate school. I hate warm weather in winter. I hate food. I hate my messy room. I hate my remote. I hate my computer. I hate my procrastination. I hate the smell of my brother's room. I hate infections. I hate fat. I hate my hair. I hate PMS. I hate headaches. I hate frustration. I hate not understanding. I hate hating.

I have been awakened

Church this morning really opened my eyes to something. I am so incredibly stuck in the past, I am blinded to the possibilities of today. I care about yesterday but I cannot let it change my tomorrow. I need to make decisions today based on today and not on my past. I need to look forward to my future and my eternity with my Father :)

Saying this, I'm going to try with all my soul to accept my past. I've been through things that most people will never go through but I can't use that as a crutch or an excuse. I need to use it as strength, for it was all a part of God's plan for me and my soul's plan for myself. I want to start fresh in my confidence and thoughts with God helping me. I can't change the past, I have the ability to shape who I am NOW.

I looked back on my past today and I realized that it was heartbreaking. If I had been my parents or close friends, I would have truly been heartbroken watching what I was going through. I thought back today on how I used to feel about situations and how I used to act. I imagined myself through the eyes of an onlooker and felt overwhelmed with sadness. I'm not trying to make this sound like pity or sympathy if that's how it seems. I just simply am coming to realization that I was truly in a bad place and I had no room for God. Now that I have accepted Him into my life to help and guide me, I can see that although I am not completely happy yet, I am so much better off than I was back then.

I look at people differently. I no longer judge them as I pass by them or listen to them as they speak. I think of them all as my brothers or sisters and look for the positives. I really listen to what people have to say now and I really try to be the best friend that I can be. I help people without receiving help first, even without receiving help in return. I give advice, I offer myself to always be there, and I mean it. I'm here, for anyone who needs anything. Being down the road that I have, I understand feeling scared and most of all, alone. I don't want another person feeling that way if I can help it. God put me through whatever it was for a reason and I'm going to accept it.

Without even realizing it, I've been helping more around my house, getting along with both of my parents better, and doing things without being asked twice. I'm loving the person that I am becoming with God. There are days I don't want to get up and go to school; I want to stay in bed forever and talk to Him. I looked back on times that I prayed for things and when I thought hard enough, I realized that they were all answered in one way or another. Significant things in my life, came from my Father when they were asked for.

I'm going to go ahead and provide an example. Larry Trotta. When I was in sixth grade, I prayed hard for a year to God. I asked Him to bring somebody into my life to always be there for me. I asked God for a best friend that was preferably a boy (mainly because I wanted someone in the opposite sex to be able to confide in). I must have said this prayer every week for months on end. When Larry first entered my life, I had no idea this was my answer from God. Now, I firmly believe it is. He came into my life at the time that my Grandmother discovered she had cancer and he was there for me through all of the pain, the treatment, and her passing away. For three years now, he has truly been the best friend that I could ask for, which is exactly what I wished God would give me.

You could say it was just a coincidence, but I believe there are very few of those. Larry and I have a connection, a bond that we don't share with anybody else. I leaned heavily on him for so long that it's hard now with him being so busy with college and I miss him dearly.

Before I go off on this further, I hope this is a sufficient example :) God answers us and only asks for our belief and love in return. I believe that if I continue in the path that I am headed, I will be happier than ever before. Thank you, God, for absolutely everything.

God Bless and I love you all †

Hello; Good Evening,

I love You <3

My faith in God is growing stronger and stronger everyday. I read the bible every chance I get and absorb in all of the words. I'm reading books and doing research and I find my love for Him is unbreakable. I know He's listening to me and is always here for me when I need Him. He is my Savior and my light and I will continue to follow in His name :D

On another note:


I'm so excited :D TEAM EDWARD <3333

I get angry thinking of Jacob xD ugh. NO ME GUSTA JACOB, NO. ME. GUSTA. You know, I actually used to like Jacob until the end of New Moon. From then on, ESPECIALLY IN ECLIPSE, I hated him. Reading Breaking Dawn with him was unbearable. Lost my liking for him altogether.

<3

Let's talk okay?

It is so hard to let you go

and I regret every second of taking you for granted. I regret complaining and wishing things were different. I regret crying over you and being angry because of you. I regret telling people about you. I regret wishing bad things upon you. I even regret talking to you sometimes because I feel it would be easier if I never had. I haven't tried talking to you in awhile and I don't know how you're doing, but I hope well. I'm sure you're happy, I so dearly hope that's true. I hope that you think about me a lot and that you're wishing good things for me. I hope that you're being taken care of and you are loved. I hope that you know if I could go back and change what happened, I would do it in a heartbeat. I hope you understand that I was scared and unsure of where I was going in life.

I would do anything to become close to you, as close as I am to you in my dreams, which you are constantly in. I wake up each morning missing you more and more and wishing you were still by my side so to speak. I feel empty without you and so very alone. Sometimes I share these thoughts with people who knew about you. They typically tell me the same thing and that's to let go or move on or tell me that there will be others like you. But they're wrong, they are so incredibly wrong. I'll never let go. My pain will heal when it's ready to heal and neither they nor I have control over that. The other thing they're wrong about is that there will never be anyone like you again. Others will come around but nobody like you. I will forever have to keep you in my heart as I see you. I miss you, I miss you so much and nobody can understand quite honestly the extent of that. Please think of me. I'm striving so hard to make you proud but I'm getting nothing back. Are you proud of me? I'm working on it.. I really am. It's not so easy when I'm so caught up in the fact that you're not here. It seems to hit me as fresh news every single time I open my eyes.

People don't get the fact that things would have turned out fine, had I not messed up. Or did I mess up? What happened that you left me? Either way, I have faith in knowing that life would have been incredible with you still here. There would have been hard times, as always, but with the amount of passion I have for you, and the amount of care God has for the both of us, we would have been just fine.. life would have been just fine.

You changed my life forever and I won't ever, ever forget you. I know we can't ever go back.. but I wish we could. Please hope for happiness for me and I hope the same for you. I'm sorry if I let you down. I love you with every particle of my being, more than I could ever love anyone.. <3