Friday, August 20, 2010


I'm trying so hard to not give up. To not say 'to hell with it' and spend my days in bed doing absolutely nothing. Just getting dressed is exhausting. This apartment is small and my brother has made it a complete mess despite my mother's begging and pleading. She wanted us to have family time here. She wanted us to feel comfortable all sitting out in the living room and watching a movie or just talking, but yet again, we've been forced to slip back into our own little corner of the wall because no effort goes into anything.

My constant headaches are seriously affecting my lifestyle. I can only take so much medication before I just make myself fall asleep to try to get rid of it. I've gone through countless bottles of Excedrin (extra strength, migraine, pm, all of it), we have to stop by the Urgent Care every few days to get more samples of a heavier pain med, and no place will see me because of lack of health insurance and my age. I hate seeing my parents get together and talk about it and then argue because they don't have enough money to do anything about it. I know they say it's not my fault, that they'd do anything for me, but it makes me feel terrible. The headaches make my mood go all over the place. As soon as they hit, I get irritated and restless, I have a hard time processing what people are saying, and I often find myself just staring into space. When they started ALMOST A YEAR AGO, they were visual only. Trailing vision, slightly blurry, but no pain. Now I have no visual effects and pure pain. Oh, also I hear noises that no one else hears. It's like someone's snapping a rubber band inside my brain. The vibrations aren't so great either. It's like when you rest your head against the window in a moving car. That then leads to nausea and therefore, I don't want to do anything but sleep.

I also hate that bad habit that sneaks back up on you. That one you finally got rid of, the one you beat. Though it never entirely goes away, you're able to control it and not succumb to its taunting. I guess months and years can go by and it still can be so easy to just... do it. The way you can block out your mind that way you used to, the way you can take care of it like you used to, and the way the lying comes back so naturally. I only pray it was a one-time thing. I can't deal with that again.

I don't know what to do about you anymore. I'm hurt to the core when I think of everything you said to me, what you did to me at the end. I'm trying to be strong. I really am. I'm at such a loss right now, though. I don't have that back up that I had for years when you were around. I don't feel like I can fall back onto anything. Like if I don't force myself to stand up and stay going, I won't make it at all. It's impossible to know if you're trying to do that to me... or if you just don't care anymore.