Thursday, April 30, 2009

We're moving forward, we're moving forward

This picture makes me smile a lot. That was such a fun day <3 I like thinking back to that time. I love James, Austin, And Kristina ;D

I had a really, really crappy day. I was dead throughout most of it, I didn't sleep well last night. At all. I got home today and I took too long of a nap. My eyes burn. My head kind of hurts. I want to curl up into a ball and hide under the covers until Summer comes. Maybe.

mg904mg0932mg302mg3gem3-t5n3205nj203b5@#U@#(%j1v24j12094j21j412j. I don't really want to talk.

A Day to Remember calms me down incredibly. They put me to sleep last night and got me through the day <33

Why's this make me so nervouuuuss?

Wednesday, April 29, 2009

Are you even listening when I talk to you?

"Do you even care what I'm going through

Your eyes stare and they're staring right through me
You're right there but it's like you never knew me
Do you even know how much it hurt
That you gave up on me...

I'm feeling anti-social and it's getting worse each day. I don't want to talk to anyone, it takes so much energy just to text people. So, I'm sorry if I seem empty toward you or like I'm mad at you or something. I'm really not. I just don't feel like being all up and talkative right now. I wish I felt okay with that though. I constantly feel like people expect me to talk so much and be the person to make them laugh and say the most random, stupid things. I feel like if I'm not hyper or laughing/talking all the time, I'm disappointing people or they constantly ask me if I'm okay.

I'm alive. Not necessarily okay, but alive, and right now I just need to keep to myself. It doesn't mean I absolutely won't talk to you. You can still text me, approach me, comment me, IM me, anything. Just don't expect a long conversation, or much participation on my end. Sorry.


So is your phone dead, are you sick, or are you just avoiding me?

Tuesday, April 28, 2009

So we'll pretend it's all right

I don't think you have any idea how badly it frustrates me that I don't know what to expect from you anymore, or what you expect from me.

i miss nittywood.

Sunday, April 26, 2009

It's almost May again

And each day gets closer and closer to a panic attack.

Saturday, April 25, 2009

If I may add my input here...

I kind of think the whole ordeal is sad. I'm thoroughly disappointed. I thought all of us blogspot people had this little weird connection because we shared our deepest thoughts, frustrations, and hopes with each other, without so much as speaking one word to each other in school. It upsets me to see how quickly we all claw at each other's throats :/

I think it all should just be forgotten. I agree with Kristina in the way that with your blog, you shouldn't have to be afraid of what you say. It's WHERE you vent. We vent about our families, teachers, friends, and then give each other support and say we love each other. Then someone says something that we feel is directed towards US and not other people, so we get defensive and immediately start arguing and say really rude things.

I don't like it and I don't think that's very fair.

I almost feel like maybe I should be more careful with what I post now, for I surely don't want to cause so many people to get angry.

I'm not, at all, trying to start another episode over on my blog now. Please, don't get that idea. My whole purpose of this post is to try to get everyone to calm down, think rationally, forgive, and forget.

We all can say things out of frustration. I think as 'friends' we should accept that about each other. Even if you don't agree with it. I know every single one of you has at one point said something I didn't agree with. I never bashed you out. I only think of positive things to tell everyone.

Can we get over this? Please? I don't like it and frankly, it does make me sad :(

Thursday, April 23, 2009

Tuesday, April 21, 2009

Let me hear you screaming just for me

I want answers, is that really so horrible? I'm tired of constantly questioning and begging to hear words instead of silent waves of emotion and urges that I can't control.

Whose dreams are these that flood my mind, because they surely don't belong to me. I've had a taste but my soul yearns for the entire meal, handed to me on a plate of certainty with a smile that says yes, everything will in f
act be just fine. I no longer belong to myself and all I hear are strange voices constantly caressing my thoughts, forcing my lips open in a dance of this language I have never once heard from a body so young. The amount of times you have seen the sun set should not amount to your ability to embrace love and feelings, to harness belief into your own hands and bring a garden through the cement.

I'm tired and my throat hurts :/

Monday, April 20, 2009

If it makes you feel any better


Purely Sims :D

Simmies Update :)

Last time, I told/showed you Lilly and her husband Tripp and their newborn baby Aiden.
Here's some pictures! (click to see them larger)

That's Aiden as a child.

Lilly became a witch :D It actually showed on the game, for her name, 'Lilly Robin the Atrociously Evil Witch' It was awesome.

She got pregnant again and had a baby girl named Emory. I was working at my church on Sunday, in the 5 year olds class, and there was this ADORABLE little girl with that name :)

Emory is my favorite of the two children. She was such a cute toddler, too, don't you think !

As a child :)

Aiden turned into a teenager like 3 days after Emory was born :)
He's all right, but I don't like him AS much xD

This is his girlfriend:

Her name is Raelyn Shea :D

Oh and they moved out of their way-too-expensive apartment and into this house right before Lilly had Emory:

I love it, it's amazing, even if I had to use a SMALL money cheat to get it ;D

Random Pictures:

Tripp in the new kitchen. It has the BEST lighting ever in there, like Carrabba's :)

I eventually got tired of Lilly being green (since she was evil) so I made her study the 'ways of light' and she went from Lilly Robin the Atrociously Evil Witch to Evil Witch to Mean Witch to just plain Lilly Robin the Witch now :)

Lilly and Tripp are going to be Elders in like 3 days :( I'm so sad.

Aiden swinging Emory around :)

That's it for nowwww :D Sorta long, sorry.
Oh and Tripp is almost to the top of his career and Lilly is not far behind <3

Comments GOGOGO!

Thursday, April 16, 2009

I hide my memories within my words

Oh whoa it was so weird the night I crawled around on my hobbled foot and ate too many Cheez-Its. But wait! They don't love you like I love you as I lift my head from this desk and laughter erupts from the entire room. Singing about umbrellas underneath my window has never been funner while it storms outside. A sibling by our side, we run outside, then hide in the bathroom, afraid of the wind's terror. The place is shaking like an earthquake and you make the weirdest noises while we inform the world of safe sex and chase little boy lovers. Interviews under a tree, yawning face pictures, the night is yet young, but I've found you, miss moo moo. If my life gets boring, I'll simply eat a poptart.

There's so much more that I wish I could remember.

Monday, April 13, 2009

For the times we both apologize for

Today was the first day that I was able to not take school seriously. I usually feel really guilty about it or get stressed out, but for today, it was just okay.

I love my church. It gives me a lot of hope and optimism. I love working with the little kids there and am amazed by how they can sit and chat with you seriously about the bible and how Jesus is their best friend.

However, I'm torn with the fact that it seems half of me is willing to put forth the effort into transforming myself and the other half is just so angry at the world. I have so much pent up frustration towards people, events, things. I want to be able to get over that.

I'd also like to be able to get rid of this mental block I have.

I want to be happy. I want more than anything to be able to accept MYSELF. I want to get to the point where I can ignore what other people say and just live the way I want to live.

I'm so consumed with frustration with everything and I really want to get rid of it.

And you know, I can't help but feel like we're getting nowhere. I feel like I tried to help you through something (though I don't know for certain if it was really as bad as it seemed or not) and even though I was ignored by you and pushed away by you, I continued to try my hardest to help you and get to you, even though it was physically exhausting to me, because of everything we ever promised each other. And after we talked and said we'd fix things, I'm probably having the hardest struggle in my life and I feel like you aren't there, or more so like I can't go to you. Even when I do and you give me advice, it's not the same, at all. I don't read your words the same way I used to. I feel like you're just automatically feeding me something to make me feel better without putting effort into it. I feel like all the "progress" I thought was happening was really nothing and it upsets me. I don't get how it seems to not affect you at all. I really don't. So really, feel free to explain to me, help me out here, I don't know what you want from me. I don't know if you are still playing this back away game. Our conversations go nowhere, they mean nothing. I need you right now. I don't know what you're going through, how your life is right now, or anything, because you don't share this with me anymore, but I still thought you could be there for me. I was for you. Am I being too dramatic here? Just let me know if I am.

thoughts x

Sunday, April 12, 2009

Got scars from dirty scratches, scabs and ashes

I could sit here and complain about how frustrated I am, but frankly, I'm sick of it.

I really, really want to give up.

I want to move somewhere completely different and start all over again.

I feel like I have a constant mental block that's keeping me from things. I can't think straight, I can't process things correctly, I'm forgetting simple things, like SPELLINGS of words. It's so aggravating that I can't even put it into words. I don't know what to do about it.

Please take me so far away from here.

I need. A break. Now.

On Wednesday night, I cried harder than I ever, EVER have in my entire life. I think now I'm ready to scream until my throat turns raw.

Thursday, April 9, 2009

Come on come on, tell me we'll be okay

I think I've finally accepted that I'm not like a lot of people. I have different dreams, thoughts, feelings towards things. As I shared to dearest Nitty the other day, I don't dream of getting a job, having good grades, getting into college, having expensive things, and getting money. I dream of being happy with simple things and exploring and creating. I want to draw all over the walls and not worry if it looks trashy. I want to pour paint all over the kitchen floor and slide through it for a day and not think about how messy it's going to be or how big the clean up will be, or even maybe how much it will cost to repair possible damages. I don't think about those things.

And I get criticized for that so much.

But you know, I'm told by some that I'll change my mind in a year or so. Maybe I will, but maybe I won't. Either way, I'm okay with it for now. People may not like it, but it's what God has in store for me at the moment and I think I can finally come to terms with that.


I took this on Sunday evening, on Sanibel Island:

Right now, I would do anything to be back there.


Wednesday, April 8, 2009

Moments with you are my life's best

I don't know what to do with myself. I don't know what I want from myself or anyone else. I'm sick of my thoughts, feelings, emotions, everything. I'm tired of hearing people tell me that I'm not trying hard enough or I'm too lazy or I can't rely on other people my entire life. I hate that I listen to them. I hate how I'm at the point where giving up seems so easy. I hate how no matter what I say, someone finds a way to make it sound stupid.

I don't think I've ever been so unsure of myself. Usually I have that little voice in my head that says I'm doing okay, to just keep pushing on. I don' t have that anymore. I do things, say things, without realizing that I'm doing or saying them. I'm irritating my father and am constantly lectured by him.

I feel like a zombie at school. Like it's such a waste of time and I should be on doing more important things. I don't want to think about grades or college or what I'm going to do with my life. I can't concentrate on getting a job or money. I hate how those things are always the topics of conversations, every time I talk to someone. I'll share an idea of something I want to do in life and all I ever get back is, "Yeah, if you have the money to do that."

I don't think that way. I can't think that way. I just know I want to do something and I will do it. I confuse myself so horribly because I'm so against the way the world works.

And I hate when people tell me I need to just accept things that have happened and get back to work. That might be the way you work, but it's not the way that everyone works, especially me. I'll move on when I'm ready to move on. And people say that everyone goes through bad stuff and struggles with life but you can't use it as a crutch. I never ask for sympathy from people because of all the things that I've been through. All I'd like is a BREAK from everything. Yes, I'm able to function and no, I'm not dying, but that doesn't mean that each day I'm able to just forget things and live normally. I really, really just want a break from the world right now, but I'm afraid the only 'break' that I'll get is more meds and more therapy and I'd really rather not.

You know when you get this overwhelming feeling:

I have that constantly. I just don't know where the 'home' is that I'm looking for.

By the way, I still miss you.

Monday, April 6, 2009

We're moving forward, we're doing fine.

I might as well do this now :)

Remember your choice of Sim?

Her name is Lilly Devreux and here is some information about her:
- She is a family Sim.
- Her lifetime goal is to become head of the SCIA.
- She is evenly sloppy/neat.
- She is outgoing.
- She is more active than lazy, but it's almost even.
- She has a more serious personality.
- She's a bit grouchy.
- Her horoscope is Aries.
- Her body type is average.
- Food, culture, and entertainment are among things she loves.
- She dislikes politics, health, and weather.
- Her hobby is music and dance.
- In the opposite sex, light eye makeup and custom colored hair turn her on while heaviness turns her off.

Since I've been playing, she has gotten married to this man:

His name is Tripp Robin.
- Family Sim.
- Lifetime goal is to marry off 6 kids.
- Unemployed.
- Neat.
- Shy.
- Evenly lazy/active.
- Serious personality.
- More grouchy than nice.
- Virgo.
- Average body.
- Loves food, culture, and entertainment.
- Hates politics, crime, and work.
- Turned on by makeup and black hair and turned off by heaviness.

They got married <3

The live in a little 2bed, 2bath apartment in Belladonna Cove. Now I was originally going to take it slow so that updates wouldn't be hard, but I've been playing ALL DAY. So, I know it might seem like her life is going really fast, but it's just because I've been playing since I got back from Sanibel at noon.

So Lilly got pregnant :)

The baby boy's name is Aiden :D

So as of this exact moment, 12:19am, Lilly is a private eye and Tripp is a desk sergeant, Aiden is still a baby, and the three of them still live in the apartment. Lilly and Tripp are currently trying to get enough money to buy a home :)

So those are the Robins :D <3

I don't know what to do

when you irritate me like this.

Friday, April 3, 2009

Practice makes perfect sense to me

Spring break at last :D I'm leaving tonight for the beach and I won't be back until Monday <33 I'm excited though.

Right now I'm trying to get a lot of music on my iPod for the 5 hour drive :D

I hope you all have a great weeeeekend !

Tuesday is going to rawk hard <33

I love you.