I don't know what to do with myself. I don't know what I want from myself or anyone else. I'm sick of my thoughts, feelings, emotions, everything. I'm tired of hearing people tell me that I'm not trying hard enough or I'm too lazy or I can't rely on other people my entire life. I hate that I listen to them. I hate how I'm at the point where giving up seems so easy. I hate how no matter what I say, someone finds a way to make it sound stupid.
I don't think I've ever been so unsure of myself. Usually I have that little voice in my head that says I'm doing okay, to just keep pushing on. I don' t have that anymore. I do things, say things, without realizing that I'm doing or saying them. I'm irritating my father and am constantly lectured by him.
I feel like a zombie at school. Like it's such a waste of time and I should be on doing more important things. I don't want to think about grades or college or what I'm going to do with my life. I can't concentrate on getting a job or money. I hate how those things are always the topics of conversations, every time I talk to someone. I'll share an idea of something I want to do in life and all I ever get back is, "Yeah, if you have the money to do that."
I don't think that way. I can't think that way. I just know I want to do something and I will do it. I confuse myself so horribly because I'm so against the way the world works.
And I hate when people tell me I need to just accept things that have happened and get back to work. That might be the way you work, but it's not the way that everyone works, especially me. I'll move on when I'm ready to move on. And people say that everyone goes through bad stuff and struggles with life but you can't use it as a crutch. I never ask for sympathy from people because of all the things that I've been through. All I'd like is a BREAK from everything. Yes, I'm able to function and no, I'm not dying, but that doesn't mean that each day I'm able to just forget things and live normally. I really, really just want a break from the world right now, but I'm afraid the only 'break' that I'll get is more meds and more therapy and I'd really rather not.
You know when you get this overwhelming feeling:
I have that constantly. I just don't know where the 'home' is that I'm looking for.
By the way, I still miss you.
11 months ago