Monday, April 13, 2009

For the times we both apologize for

Today was the first day that I was able to not take school seriously. I usually feel really guilty about it or get stressed out, but for today, it was just okay.

I love my church. It gives me a lot of hope and optimism. I love working with the little kids there and am amazed by how they can sit and chat with you seriously about the bible and how Jesus is their best friend.

However, I'm torn with the fact that it seems half of me is willing to put forth the effort into transforming myself and the other half is just so angry at the world. I have so much pent up frustration towards people, events, things. I want to be able to get over that.

I'd also like to be able to get rid of this mental block I have.

I want to be happy. I want more than anything to be able to accept MYSELF. I want to get to the point where I can ignore what other people say and just live the way I want to live.

I'm so consumed with frustration with everything and I really want to get rid of it.

And you know, I can't help but feel like we're getting nowhere. I feel like I tried to help you through something (though I don't know for certain if it was really as bad as it seemed or not) and even though I was ignored by you and pushed away by you, I continued to try my hardest to help you and get to you, even though it was physically exhausting to me, because of everything we ever promised each other. And after we talked and said we'd fix things, I'm probably having the hardest struggle in my life and I feel like you aren't there, or more so like I can't go to you. Even when I do and you give me advice, it's not the same, at all. I don't read your words the same way I used to. I feel like you're just automatically feeding me something to make me feel better without putting effort into it. I feel like all the "progress" I thought was happening was really nothing and it upsets me. I don't get how it seems to not affect you at all. I really don't. So really, feel free to explain to me, help me out here, I don't know what you want from me. I don't know if you are still playing this back away game. Our conversations go nowhere, they mean nothing. I need you right now. I don't know what you're going through, how your life is right now, or anything, because you don't share this with me anymore, but I still thought you could be there for me. I was for you. Am I being too dramatic here? Just let me know if I am.

thoughts x

1 comment:

love, Grace. said...

I'm glad your faith supports you. Thats something we all need, but a lot of us don't have. :)

I want you to be happy too.