Thursday, May 28, 2009


I know you'll see this and you'll probably roll your eyes or laugh at it. But I need you to actually listen to me. I refuse to believe that you really mean everything you say to me lately. You're not yourself, you're different, I don't care what you say. Maybe you haven't changed with everything, but you have certainly changed with me and I want to know WHY. I want to know why you randomly shut me out, gave me a bs reason for it, said you'd fix things, and still have yet to make me feel any better about any of it. Everytime we talk, all you do is laugh with those stupid 'lols' every five seconds, it's like our conversations simply amuse you. You have to know somewhere in that mind of yours that what you're doing isn't fair at all. You act so different towards me, I can't stand it. And no matter how much I tell myself that there's nothing I can do about it, I can't help but feel frustrated.

It's not fair that you leave me with no real answer and saying that I just needed to be independent is bull and you and I both know it. I want a real conversation with you. Do you have any idea how sad it makes me that when I feel like breaking down, my first thought to go to is you, and then I stop myself because you're so different, I don't even want to tell you my problems anymore? Your advice is different. Your thoughts are different. I don't understand who you're trying to act like this for or why you are doing it.

So, as much as you lol at me and ignore me, I believe that in some small, unaffected part of your brain, you realize that what you're doing to me is wrong and that you need to FIX it. I'm not sitting here complaining that you aren't here for me for every little reason. It just really SUCKS to me that I feel I can't even be myself around you anymore. I don't care what you're going through or what I am going through, you PROMISED me that we would always have each others backs and right now, you don't. When you avoided me, I continued to give you support that you didn't really need apparently. Even when I'm at my lowest and you haven't talked to me in weeks, I text you and give you encouragement or try to help you in someway.

You're not giving me anything back and I'm really, really sick of it. I'm tired of saying that I'm simply sad over it because it's at the point now where I feel you're being really selfish. You can obviously make room for some people in your life, damn it, make room for me. Me, of all the people that you choose to shut out. Knock some sense into yourself.

Wednesday, May 27, 2009

There's a moment in time and it's stuck in my mind

You know, one of the things that I hate most about myself is the fact that I am purely terrified of being independent. It's so hard for me to even try to do. I notice that when doing things, I always look at other people to see how they're doing it. I hate going places by myself. I hate solo activities. If I can choose to do something in a group, I will. I'm so scared of doing things by myself for some reason and that worries me for my future. I always seem to rely on the opinions of others, no matter what I'm thinking or how I feel about it. I never thought of myself as weak, really, just that I'm ridiculously dependent on people and I despise it.

I admire the people who are able to make decisions on their own and speak their thoughts so freely. I used to think I could do that but it's becoming more and more apparent to me that I'm really not independent at all. If I can ask for help, I will. If someone's willing to help me with work or something, I'll ask them to. If someone asks me to do them a personal favor, it scares me, I have to ask the opinion of someone else. There's so much that I want to do but I don't think I could possibly do it alone, even if I wanted to.

If I have to go somewhere, I feel anxiety at the thought of having to go alone. If I have to do a project by myself, I'll constantly ask people how they're doing it, watch them, and then twist my project to make mine fit theirs a little more because I feel I can't do it right and they can.

I can't seem to freely do anything on my own and that makes me frustrated and embarrassed.


Also, my anxiety has been in serious high-gear lately. It's making me feel sick. Everywhere I go now, I notice I'm ALWAYS scanning the area. Everyone looks suspicious to me. Everyplace seems terrifying. I avoid going places with people because I'm SCARED. I wish it would stop.

I kind of feel like a big mess right now.

I want to go there... but I could never go alone.

Monday, May 25, 2009

I want to feel it in my bones

Have you ever had an emotional pain that hit you hard and killed you for a few days? And then when it comes back, it hurts and hurts, but for some reason you welcome it? For reasons you don't know? But then it gets to the point where it comes back so often that you almost feel sick because of it and you're tired of it? But then you feel like you shouldn't be tired of it?

I don't know, I'm rambling.

I'm dreading school tomorrow. Why? It's like nothing.

How is it that I just had an amazing day with Hooly and Arrie, and I feel like I could curl up in a ball and cry my eyes out?

I feel like I have so much pent up frustration, numbness, anger, and like I want to fix everything, but I don't have the time to. Like, accepting what happened, forgiving people, all of it will take a lifetime.


I think I'm going to go to bed.

Wednesday, May 20, 2009

I'm so afraid, I can't hold on this time

Thats why I write, to let you know
Just what goes on

'Cause this is me, and everything I've dreamed
And you know that I can't just settle for anything

Just once more can we pretend that everything is okay
And that we are all happy

Breathe hope in me
I need you
I try so hard to make this work in my life
I still believe in you

Play that faster and maybe they will move to our sound
This is the way its supposed to be
Coming together, on the dance floor will
You light the scene

Sing along
This is your favorite song
And we'll play along
'Cause you're the reason I'm alive

Close your eyes
Sit back and relax, we'll be okay
Time and time again,
I'll pray you're looking back
By the wake

So here we, we are, again (x4)

Close your eyes
Sit back and relax, we'll be okay
Time and time again,
I do hope you come back
By the wake

Close your eyes
Sit back and relax, we'll be okay
Time and time again,
I'll pray you're looking back
By the wake
By the wake
By the wake


A lot of these lyrics sum up my current feelings. Goodness, I love A Day to Remember so much. I love this weather. I love that school is almost over.

I hate the fact that we have another week left. I hate that I'm positive I didn't get at least a 75 on my AP World History final. I hate that I missed so much school. I hate that I have to go every single day aching and feeling empty for something that no one else can understand, and barely anyone actually cares. I hate that that sounded selfish in my head, because that's not how I meant for it to come out.

Okay, I'm done.

By the way. If you see me in school, attack me, and ask for my yearbook, because otherwise, I'll forget, okay? I just went comma happy, YAY.


LeT's TaLk GuIz

Monday, May 18, 2009

All live off the lust and misfortune of others.

1. I miss the old you so much. Now it just makes me sad to look at or think about you.
2. I would do ANYTHING to change the way things went.
3. I want to help you in any way that I can. I'm not sure if you just don't want my help, or if you really just aren't sure about things. I love you a lot and I hope you honestly realize I would do anything for you.
4. I'm sorry. I try really hard to like you, but I can't.
5. What? What the heck? What are you doing?
6. I recently realized that I don't know if you're going away for college or not. If you are, it's going to break my heart because I never realized how much I rely on you every single day.
7. All I want more than anything is for us to be back to normal. Everything feels weird now and I don't know how to react to it. I feel like I can't be myself around you anymore and that hurts more than anything.
8. Whenever I'm having a crappy day and feel like sulking, I can never hide smiles from you, because you just make me so happy.
9. I know we disagree a lot and argue over petty things but I love you more than you could imagine.
10. I hope we finally learn to stop bouncing back and forth and we land on the side where we have amazingly fun times together because you mean a lot to me.
11. I trust you so much and look up to you a lot.
12. I'm still here for you.
13. I wish I had the strength to leave you behind.
14. I would drop everything in the world for you and I hate feeling like a fool for it.
15. I need you in every way. I won't hide my hunger for you because it's not something to be ashamed of. I need your guidance, your love, your everything. Please be there for me.


Sunday, May 17, 2009

To the delirious eye, more lovely things

Though I turn, I fly not -
I cannot depart;
I would try, but try not
To release my heart.
And my hopes are dying
While, on dreams relying,
I am spelled by art.

Thus, the bright snake coiling
'Neath the forest tree
Wins the bird, beguiling,
To come down and see:
Like that bird the lover
Round his fate will hover
Till the blow is over
And he sinks - like me.
I love poetry, I love stories, I love it all. I've missed writing so much. gM#$T#T)#MGM) I'm just like filled with joy over sitting here and reading my huge Edgar Allan Poe collection book. 1023 pages of pure Poe genius. I'm in love.

I really don't want to go to school tomorrow, I had such an amazing weekend. I can't wait for summer and all the super fun times. I took about 38 videos today of car rides and Olive Garden :D I'm excited to upload them.

I love, love all of you. And expect more writing in the near future from me ;D

Friday, May 15, 2009

That just goes to show that some words are useless

I want to study psychology for the reason that I crave the understanding of human beings. Why we act the way we act, do the things we do. When one man meets the eyes of another, why would his eyes stray from his? How does one know when a friend is lying? Through the twitch of their palm, hold of their gaze, shape of their mouth? I want to be able to look at a person and KNOW. I want to read them, feel their emotions radiate against my own flesh. I want to grasp the thought process. I love hands. I love watching them as a person talks, drives, walks, writes. I mainly adore eyes. I love eye contact and that moment where you and the other person are locked subconsciously in a soul search, through which the simple-minded cannot understand. It's amazing when two people lock eyes as they speak through only their irises alone. One does not need words in such situations. It is best to let the blink of your eyes tell the story for you. Lips ache to tell only lies with the occasional truth here and there, whether people are willing to accept such a thing or not. It is much more relevant to forget the use of our tongues at all, but to only communicate through our glances, emotions, and movement. Our minds are too small and weak to even form true words of love anyway. So it's best, I believe, to let your soul speak through other means. We are amongst creatures that we cannot understand. We all speak different languages. So why not ignore that, if not just for one day? Ignore the idea that you believe you have the right words to say. You don't, we don't. Why do you think we stutter, stumble over our language so much? Words mean close to nothing these days, so I say lift up your hands, clench your teeth, and walk with your thoughts. It's much more beautiful to watch a flower bloom than to hear a car come to life. We're so far onto the concrete, so far off the dirt of which we belong. The least we could do is rest our poorly educated mouths for a day and let your beings do the talking. Even in heat, our hearts are cold with misunderstanding. Only the power given to our souls can push natural warmth through our very heart and veins. Then we will again breathe clean, fresh air that is not tainted by the hollow breath from the throat of those full of angry speeches.

I don't know. I love you <3

Thursday, May 14, 2009

Well she's still around

I'm really just at the point where I just don't have any idea. I'm opening my eyes and realizing more and more about the world and people inhabiting it. Most people really want an education, a job, money, a big house, a nice car, tons of things. I'm not saying this is WRONG, so don't get ahead of me, here. I'm simply saying that I'm discovering that I'm pretty opposite of that. I no longer dream of getting into an excellent college, working a top-notch job, and getting tons of cash. I no longer yearn for lots of material things. I'm wanting people and love to surround me. I'd rather be in a tiny home surrounded by my favorite people than in a mansion with a flatscreen and convertible. I'm noticing so much more about my deepest wants. All I really want is happiness, but in the form of friendship and love and carefree fun. I don't want to feel like I have to spend my life in working hard when I don't want to. Sure, I'll get a job and I'll make money, but I don't want to make it my life. I want to focus on the people around me and having adventures with them and discovering new things.

Like, I said, please don't get the wrong idea. I'm not in any way bashing people who do want to go to a great college, get big jobs, make money, and all that stuff. That's TOTALLY FINE :) it's just not my dream and I'm noticing that now.

I had a bad night again, though :( I keep crying. This keeps happening and all I can do is pray about it continually. I really want to have a great summer. I feel like this year was a big ball of stress and I just want to stretch out, look to the sky, smile, and let go.

I miss so many people :(


Wednesday, May 13, 2009

Find your way into my heart

I'm getting sick of repeating that I want to skip through the entire month of May, but it is so so true. I was talking with Colin today and we made the realization that he's really simple minded and I'm a really deep-thinker and I over analyze, thus the reason we are often so baffled at each others' actions. I guess that's why I get so :O at other people, because I feel like they're so little-minded that they just... I don't even know ! I guess I get frustrated with people easily. It seems like so many people at school are this way. I'm not trying to say my boyfriend is like them ! That's not my point at all. I'm just making a statement that I think I realized that's why I have low tolerance for many people. They're just so bleh.

"What would it take
For things to be quiet
Quiet like the snow

I know, this isn't much
But I know I could, I could be better

I don't think I deserve it,

Find your way into my heart
All stars could be brighter
All hearts could be warmer

What would it take
For things to be quiet
Quiet like the snow

Are we meant to be empty handed
I know I could, I could be better

I don't think I deserve it,
Find your way into my heart
All stars could be brighter
All hearts could be warmer

What would it take (for things to be quiet, find your way into my heart)
What would it take (for things to be quiet, find your way)

What would it take, for things to be quiet"

I love that song so much <3 I wish I was as strong as I so apparently seem to be. I'm tired of being so scared of showing my true emotion, that I fake happy all the time. I still want a break. I want such a long break from everything. I hope summer does that for me. I'm so glad school's almost over.

AllieWag is amazing, by the way. She's been helping me so much lately and I'm so glad that God led me to her.

I hate that super lonely feeling you get when you realize that you have every reason to be upset. You kno
w, sometimes you feel sad and feel like you have no reason to be. But once you realize that there IS a reason? It's like this big rush of "Oh my God, I was right." and this huge, sinking, lonely feeling.

I just need a big hug <3

Tuesday, May 12, 2009

I just want to hold you

Dear Stupid May,

You are the cruelest month for going by so slow, when I want you to go by so fast. Speed up, please, or let me fall asleep until you are over.

Thank you.

Monday, May 11, 2009

God, I want to dream again.

Why am I so continuously stupid? You'd think I'd learn, really, you would.

Sunday, May 10, 2009

I have nothing to say

Other than the fact that I can't stand feeling like I'm doing good with my life, and then being shot down. I never land on my feet, I stumble and struggle and it takes me a long time to get back up again.

I hate this.

I love you.
I miss you.
I don't want to talk to you.
I feel hurt by you.
I want to know you.
I want to forget you.
I want to hold you.
I want to shake you out of who you've become.
I want to run away with you.
I want to scream at you.
I can't stand you.
I want to care for you.
I wish I could ignore you.
I know I shouldn't feel any of this.

Saturday, May 9, 2009

How is that a dog toy?

The weekend has been going wonderfully so far. After school yesterday, I went home with Austin and we complained about little kids xD cause his seven year old sister had a birthday party with like 5 other little girls over. Man. I forgot how loud 7 year old girls can scream :O

But it was a fun night :D I played Gears of War 2 with his brother, Trace, and we walked down to the dock and ran from blind mosquitoes, and computered, and FML'd, and broke a mirror, and painted, and took a walk, and ate pizza.

The best part though, was when we tried to go to sleep xD Colin, Austin, and me, all squished into Austin's bed. Colin kept farting. Austin and I were so loud, we annoyed Colin to the point where he went out and slept on the couch in the back room. That was at like 2:30, and Austin and I stayed up talking and laughing and being retarted for about 2 more hours. YEEEEH :D And today Colin said he was on the couch and was like WTF cause he could still hear us through the walls xD and we were apparently being louuud :P

It was a blasty blast.

Now, I'm at Colin's and he's naked :O jk he has a towel on. And we're going to go out on the boat and pick up Austin on it :D then ride around for awhile, then go to my house so I can shower and get cleeaaan and then dunno, until ELLEN BOO'S PARTY TONIGHT :D


Let's text, babes.


Thursday, May 7, 2009

Got five fingers on each hand for every mistake that I've made

ArrieWag, you make my mornings 8,000x better than they are supposed to be and I love you <3

NittyWood, you're my best friend and I love you lots and I gon go to your house tomorrow and we gon go see Arrie? <3

I'm really glad that it's almost the weekend. It seems like since this is the last month of school, it's going by super slow. Am I the only one who feels that way? Sigh. I want to write a lot, and I keep getting story ideas, but I never have the time to write them down. Bigger sigh.

I want to text moar people ! If you text... and you've never texted me... that's a problem, let's make it happen :D !
Gimme yo numba, baby ;D

<33 I'm in a good mood, but I can't stop talking in a British accent.

AND KUBIK AFTER SCHOOL, LAWL. Austin and I were staring at him through the window on his door and he hid under his desk and kept randomly popping up. So we started hiding under the window and popping up. So he got some random giant stick and taped a picture of a squirrel to it and kept making IT pop up. It was so funny :D

I hope you guys had good days. But srsly, the texting thing :D


Tuesday, May 5, 2009

All of my memories keep you near

You're breaking my heart.
I want to sleep.
I don't want to wake up.
I want to lie under the stars for an entire night, even seek them out in the daylight.
I'm cold internally.
The sky looks so easy to reach into.

I want someone to walk with me, so far away from here. I want all my teachers to stop yelling at me. I want people to stop telling me what to do. I wish I could tell people that I'm not okay, that I need to be left alone, and that their arguing and lecturing isn't going to help.

I want people to stop telling me it will be okay.

I want people to stop pretending they understand.

I want people to stop expecting so much from me.

I want to stop caring what everyone else wants.

Monday, May 4, 2009