Wednesday, May 27, 2009

There's a moment in time and it's stuck in my mind

You know, one of the things that I hate most about myself is the fact that I am purely terrified of being independent. It's so hard for me to even try to do. I notice that when doing things, I always look at other people to see how they're doing it. I hate going places by myself. I hate solo activities. If I can choose to do something in a group, I will. I'm so scared of doing things by myself for some reason and that worries me for my future. I always seem to rely on the opinions of others, no matter what I'm thinking or how I feel about it. I never thought of myself as weak, really, just that I'm ridiculously dependent on people and I despise it.

I admire the people who are able to make decisions on their own and speak their thoughts so freely. I used to think I could do that but it's becoming more and more apparent to me that I'm really not independent at all. If I can ask for help, I will. If someone's willing to help me with work or something, I'll ask them to. If someone asks me to do them a personal favor, it scares me, I have to ask the opinion of someone else. There's so much that I want to do but I don't think I could possibly do it alone, even if I wanted to.

If I have to go somewhere, I feel anxiety at the thought of having to go alone. If I have to do a project by myself, I'll constantly ask people how they're doing it, watch them, and then twist my project to make mine fit theirs a little more because I feel I can't do it right and they can.

I can't seem to freely do anything on my own and that makes me frustrated and embarrassed.


Also, my anxiety has been in serious high-gear lately. It's making me feel sick. Everywhere I go now, I notice I'm ALWAYS scanning the area. Everyone looks suspicious to me. Everyplace seems terrifying. I avoid going places with people because I'm SCARED. I wish it would stop.

I kind of feel like a big mess right now.

I want to go there... but I could never go alone.


NittyWood said...

im going with you <3

Manaray said...

at least you're not afraid of letting people in and/or at least you're not a hermit :) There is nothinggg wrong with being a follower, otherwise, who would the leaders lead? I think it's nice, at least.... refreshing, actually. :)