Thursday, August 20, 2009

Hold tight the night's air and breathe again

So school isn't that bad , so far. I just feel like I never see anyone ? Like at today's class meeting , it was the first time I saw about 80% of our class. Seriously , anyone else getting this ? I feel like I only ever see Nitty :P

I absolutely love my academy though , Health Sciences class is really interesting and probably my favorite class :D plus , the scrubs are so comfy.

So that anxiety thing... I finally went to the doctor for it and he recommended I get counseling. I have an appointment for that now , whoohoo. I got all my blood work done , too. Oh , I also had my first ever panic attack in school yesterday , that was fun.


I have to try so hard this year because I'm really close to being on the 'kick out' list of the school. I just want to erase the past two years so bad.

I still feel like people are weird right now. Oh well.

Nittywood and Grace's birthdays tomorrow ?! HOOOORAYYYY :D Lucky to have a birthday on FRIDAY. I think mine's on a Wednesday this year :P

<33333 I love you guys.

P.S. I miss you. Talk to me. Please.

Friday, August 7, 2009

Concepts of reality

I am so tired of people. I don't understand why everyone is changing. I miss hanging out with Arrie and Treva and Sheri and Nitty. I feel like they're the only people who know how it goes. Everyone else is like 'blah blah I was nice now I'm mean and I hate everyone'. Seriously ?

I don't know. I miss long , deep conversations with people. I miss feeling like people were normal and actually acted like they had hearts.

I try to care for every single human being. Whether they piss me off or I don't even know them. I try my hardest to care about them and love them. Why does it seem everyone is the opposite ? Hate everyone unless they like you or something. It's like everyone is just stuck in this little bubble of ignorance.

What's wrong with this place ? I swear. As soon as I can run...

Sunday, August 2, 2009

We walk along the crowded streets

You know those moments where things feel great and everyday feels exciting or fresh ? Then out of nowhere you feel like everything and everyone is a stranger and you don't understand what happened to you , why you feel the way you do. I can barely form the words in my own mind , my feelings are unreadable. I guess the easiest way to sum it up is to say that I simply don't understand. I'm tired of the constant ups and downs. I feel this constant weight of stress on me throughout the entire day.

Oh and my anxiety is ruining my life , completely. It started out with small things , not wanting to go into crowded places or be home alone. Now I'm terrified of my own home (with my entire family in it) , getting into cars , falling asleep , stupid things like that. I feel sick constantly. My heart beats so fast and I get so shaky that sometimes I swear I'll throw up on the spot. I'm trying so hard to get it under control but it's hard. One of my favorite things in the world used to be going on long car rides with friends and just talking and listening to music. I can barely leave my front porch now and the thought of getting in a car and going somewhere makes me feel ill. Even hearing people TALK about going somewhere makes my heart race.

Now more than ever , I really want to just run away. Though that contradicts horribly with my anxiety. I would never be able to leave. I'm not excited for anything anymore. School , people , my future. I feel so tired and weak , like I can barely take a step toward anything good anyway. I'm wasting every single day with mindless nothings. I don't even write anymore , my mind keeps locking up and straying into blank visions.

I want to take a stand and change myself , make things the way that I want them to be. I just don't know if I have the motivation yet.

Saturday, August 1, 2009

You never catch on

I need to change things. I keep telling myself that I will. I expect myself to wake up one day and just make it all better. I'm not getting anywhere , I'm stuck walking in complete circles. I'm slowly falling back into habits I had long forgotten. I already feel disgustingly overwhelmed at the thought of school starting in two weeks or so. I still need to read The Scarlet Letter and do whatever that stupid chart is. I still have to fix things and make it better for myself. Each day , my mind goes deeper into life contemplation and I'm never satisfied with the way that my thoughts turn. It's easy to act like everything's fine , but there's moments where I just want to scream and now is one.

I'm so sick of this , I want to throw up.