You know those moments where things feel great and everyday feels exciting or fresh ? Then out of nowhere you feel like everything and everyone is a stranger and you don't understand what happened to you , why you feel the way you do. I can barely form the words in my own mind , my feelings are unreadable. I guess the easiest way to sum it up is to say that I simply don't understand. I'm tired of the constant ups and downs. I feel this constant weight of stress on me throughout the entire day.
Oh and my anxiety is ruining my life , completely. It started out with small things , not wanting to go into crowded places or be home alone. Now I'm terrified of my own home (with my entire family in it) , getting into cars , falling asleep , stupid things like that. I feel sick constantly. My heart beats so fast and I get so shaky that sometimes I swear I'll throw up on the spot. I'm trying so hard to get it under control but it's hard. One of my favorite things in the world used to be going on long car rides with friends and just talking and listening to music. I can barely leave my front porch now and the thought of getting in a car and going somewhere makes me feel ill. Even hearing people TALK about going somewhere makes my heart race.
Now more than ever , I really want to just run away. Though that contradicts horribly with my anxiety. I would never be able to leave. I'm not excited for anything anymore. School , people , my future. I feel so tired and weak , like I can barely take a step toward anything good anyway. I'm wasting every single day with mindless nothings. I don't even write anymore , my mind keeps locking up and straying into blank visions.
I want to take a stand and change myself , make things the way that I want them to be. I just don't know if I have the motivation yet.
11 months ago