Sunday, September 28, 2008

I am a dreamer.

So, on Friday, after school, Nitty, Hooly, Carolina, and I went to subway, om nom :) After that, Colin came over and we hung out for awhile, pretty much being lazy and stuff :p On Saturday, SheriClarity and I went homecoming dress shopping in Gainesville ;D Sheri got a supah pretty dress that looks amazing on her. After that, we went to Olive Garden and I laughed harder than I have in a really long time. "It's a chin kickstand!"

Then Colin came over. It was our 8 month anniversary :D so we were going to see a movie but didn't feel like it :p drove around for awhile with the butt heaters on in the seats and the AC down to 60, windows down, and gangsta hoods up! I love him a lot a lot a lot <33

Today, mom took me to Paddock Mall to look for a dress and I got a lovely one :D It's red. That's all I'll say for now :) Now I'm home and I need to do some homework. I don't feel like going to school this week, but at least Homecoming is Saturday :)

I love you all <3

Thursday, September 25, 2008


is something I really want to do. Information!

1. Skip lunch on Friday
2. Get with your friends
3. Pray to end abortion
4. End with the band prayer
5. Do it every Friday

The Band Prayer;

“Jesus, I plead your blood over my sins and the sins of my nation. God, end abortion and send revival to America.”
I think it would be a piece of cake to not eat lunch just once a week to pray for the end of abortion. I never knew what the red tape with LIFE written across it meant until Michael told me it meant that it was Pro-Life. Immediately, I wanted one, for I have always been against abortion. So now I have two red tape wristbands, one on each arm, with LIFE written on them in Sharpie. I wear these proudly and answer proudly when people ask me what they mean. I just got them today and even as I saw more and more new people wearing them, I felt stronger and happier.
This needs to stop.
I'm going to try to get a real band.
God Bless <3

Wednesday, September 24, 2008


are easily turned once you've had a taste of perfection." - Katy Perry.

Today was okay. My favorite part was THE Survey (created by Shurr-Boo and Allay-Chan) it's amazing and you're jealous. So far; 19 people! We rock, we rawkkk :D I've learned some pretty interesting things too :p

I prayed today too. Outside, with a few people. It was easy to hear people around us saying, "are they really PRAYING?" and laughing. I felt a surge of energy and faith flow through me and I just smiled because I felt God was there and it doesn't matter what they think. I love everyone <321

My mommy was in the hospital today getting tests done because she's really sick and somethings wrong with her intestines, so please pray for her †

I can't find my retainer, it's slightly annoying. La, I'm scared for doing the debate tomorrow in AP World History xD xD

Colin and I are together for 8 months this Saturday :D that's a long time, yeah. I love him <3


Ima go do something fun <3


comment, babies

Tuesday, September 23, 2008

I hope to God

Number 1 isn't me. If it is, we should talk, we really should. Even if it isn't, I'm going to say this:

I miss you. I miss you more than I ever thought possible. I'm sorry I wasn't always there for you, I didn't realize you were going through that much trouble? But you have to understand... I went through living HELL this summer, do you realize that? I lost so much, you can't possibly comprehend it. I needed you. Badly. As my best friend, my BEST friend, you were there for me and I can't thank you more. You helped me to realize I could stay strong through it and you were the FIRST PERSON i voiced the idea too. That's why it hurts so fucking bad that now I feel so thrown aside. I feel horrid that you say 'when i needed you, where were you?' You know how bad that makes me feel? I would drop anything in the world to help you! I didn't know you were having such a hard time! If you told me, I'm sorry, I'm SORRY if I didn't listen. I lost myself this summer, I lost half of my heart with it and I'm fucking sorry if I didn't understand. I didn't expect in a million years I would lose our friendship over that.

Summer seems so far past now, but I'm even crying now as I type this. I love you, I always will. I don't know what more you want me to say. You annoyed me to no end sometime and I know I did the same to you, but I hate how badly this is hurting me. I don't know who to go to anymore! I just don't understand how you ask where I was when I know you know where I was and what I was going through. That doesn't mean I wouldn't help you though! I would have tried my best! I'm SORRY.

I don't know what else to say.

Sunday, September 21, 2008

Here we go;

Weekend = interesting. Mostly good though. On Friday, I went to the fall fest and hung out with Nitty, Allie, Hannah, Colin, those people :) It was boring though. Taco Bell is nom nom worthy! On Saturday, Colin came over and we pretty much chilled. I went searching for spray wax and ended up with epic failure. Then today, I went to Sally's and got some 18" hair extensions in BLACK :D and got some spray wax from Wal(star)Mart. It was pretty lame today though, I was in a wicked weird mood and I'm having weird head/visual things. I got home and TRIED to nap but Colin was too awake :p

I'm still trying to deal with figuring my life out. I went to church Saturday night for the first time in over a year. I loved it. I missed it. It made me feel so fresh. It was Church @ The Springs, in Ocala. They're SO down to Earth and you can easily relate. They sing up-to-date songs and just make you feel like you're all a big family. I vowed to myself to go every Saturday.

I need to start taking pictures for Mr. Archer at school. He needs one for the cover of the Daily Sun and asked me to do it. I need to give it to him in time to edit it by October 4th xD I'm glad he asked me though, I think I'm going to join the Journalism Academy next year :D

I want to apologize ahead of time if I become mean to some of you, like I said, my emotions are on a roller coaster right now. I miss a certain part of me, a part I can't share with everyone. I miss it oh so much and it's hard right now for some reason. Since I've been off the Prozac, my emotions are easier to get out. I cry more easily and anger is let out quicker. So excuse me for that.

God bless <3

Thursday, September 18, 2008

You have no idea.

Today was slightly lame because I was sick and didn't wake up until around noon. I think I missed a science test too. Lame. Tomorrow is the fall fest, yay? I'm not sure, it was pretty boring last year if I remember correctly. So, since I was home alone all day, I had a lot of time to think and I realized that I'm trying really hard and I think I'm pushing myself too far, I'm expecting too much from myself. In reality, I need to slow down, calm down, and take time to think things out. It's not fair the way that I'm treating myself right now and how I'm constantly in stress, whether I show it or not. I have to remember what my therapist (yes, I saw a therapist, k) told me last year, "It's time for you to put aside making other people happy right now... YOU can't be any help to them if you don't have faith in the decisions your making. Put yourself first. Tell them you need time and if they care about you, they'll understand. You need help, and that comes first in these cases."

Right now, I need to go with that advice. I have too many conflicts going on in my mind right now and I'm not able to put all my heart into taking one step before another. So I guess I need to take things slow and make sure I'm doing the right things. I vow to stop sulking over the people who are tearing me apart right now.

I love you. I love you a lot. I want you to know that no matter what people tell you, it doesn't compare to how I see you and that should mean something to you. You're a wonderful person and an AMAZING best friend of mine. Try to think of good times and pray, like I told you to do last night. I swear it will help.

I miss you. I shouldn't, but I do. I don't know, should I? I'm praying about it. I'm not sure whether I should pursue you or just let for the cards to fall where they will. Either way, you're one of the things holding me back. I love you though.

I want us to become a lot closer again, like we did last year. You truly are an incredible, irreplacable person and you make me smile every single day. Plus, you and I come up with the best jokes and you're honestly someone that would kill me to lose.

Thanks to you, I'm continuing to put my faith into God more and more and I already am feeling better about myself how I live everyday. I noticed my attitude has been more positive and I've been smiling a lot more, on the inside too. I still can't thank you enough, although we both know it was no coincidence.

I think you're being overdramatic and I feel bad for you. I've already felt a wall break down. You were someone holding me back, but I've decided it's okay for me to just keep going how I am and I'll be okay. I've gone through too much pain for you to make me feel bad now. I love you, though.


Wednesday, September 17, 2008


Hey! :D Jesus le gusta :p Okay so I woke up feeling very sick and negative and immediately, I asked God to give me the strength to get through the day and I made it just fine :) People were annoying today, but I was able to just smile and move on and that felt great. After school, I went out and bought a bible so I'm proud of myself for that :D I also bought a brand spankin' new journal for English II, the extra credit thing. YAY! Journaling at home for extra credit? That's heaven. I'm pretty sure I'm getting my new phone soon, except I saw a new one I might want :P So now I'm comparing them; The Instinct and Blackberry Curve. Uh ohhhh. I missed Nitty today cause he's a retard and stayed home :( Business is no fun without him. Hmph. I'm still so sick, after I got home from Barnes and Noble, I fell asleep and slept for about 2 hours xD I'm still tired. On the bright side! I wrote a poem today in English that I really like :)

I think I'm going to stop missing you. I think you pushed me to the point where I'd rather not talk to you than feel the hurt. I tried talking to you and getting myself back into your life but I guess you can't push these things. I don't think I'm overreacting, I know I'm not. I love you and you decided to push me away for whatever reason. I guess all I can do is remain friendly, but I'm going to stop trying to getting to you because it's just hurting me too badly, it really is, more than you know.

let's comment x

Tuesday, September 16, 2008


God loves you :D Today was icky, cause I didn't feel good again. I kept feeling nauseous and my tummah was hurtin. After school, Colin came over, but I was asleeeeepin when he got here :) I got my rings back though, the ones I left at Bean's! We pretty much just hung out and stuffs, I missed him. GO PEPTO BISMOL! Mmm, yummy pink stuff. I am in love with this journal Nitty and I are sharing, it's gorgeous and I love what it says inside;

Within the furthest reaches of the heart
Lie those desires whos name on dares not speak. So seductive, so intoxicating, so indulgent,
our most private passions burn at the
molten core of our being, luring us to the
very heights of ecstasy and depths of despair.
Through the ages, the words of impassioned
lovers have transformed a virginal sheet of
paper into a sanctuary for a restless heart.
Each of the pages in this journal awaits
the expression of your own desires-
unedited, undiluted, unhibited.
Abandon yourself.
If you dare.

Amazing, right?! I can't wait to write in it :)

I love youuu <33

Monday, September 15, 2008

Today, I had

the curse of low self-esteem, so that was a tad lame. I had an orthodontist appointment in the morning and told him how badly my jaw has been bothering me so YIPEE I'm in one of those lame-o retainers that stick to the roof of your mouth like a suckerfish, yummmmmmeeee. It's really hurting my teeth :( YAY FOR ADVIL! I look like an absolute dork, now. I hate talking too xD I can feel my teachers looking at me like 'HAHAHAHAHA' and I'm all frowney face, meanies. I feel like I belong in that song, All I Want for Christmas is My Two Front Teeth.


My tummah has been hurting me badly lately and I'm angry at it because of that. So we're fighting. I ate a whole sleeve of Saltines, om nom nom. SEAAAAKING! So, I want to do some thanking!

Thank you, Nitty for being here for me no matter what, I love how we became really close and you cheer me up everyday. I feel comfortable telling you most everything and I've felt closer to you than anyone recently. I LOVE YOUU :D

Thank you, Hattie for talking to me recently :) I have a feeling God brought you into my life for a special reason and I appreciate you being there more than you could imagine, with how rough life has been for me :D So thank you, thank you <3>

Thank you, Sheri for forgiving me and letting what happened blow over. I'm so glad we're friends, even though we may not get along a lot of the time. I feel better knowing I'm not the only one who was having those thoughts, and I want to thank you for sticking with me even though I hurt you. I love you, Shurr <333>

Thank you, God for helping me to see the light when I was so lost. Thank you for putting amazing people in my life and for keeping me safe everyday. Thank you for each day you give me and thank you for keeping me sane these days. I thank you for everything <3

I love you all, God bless!

off x

Sunday, September 14, 2008

My weekend

was definitely busy. After school on Friday, Hooly's sister took him, Nitty, and me to Target and places such as that. Colin met us at Target and took Nitty and me to my house to get changed for the square. We got there and went to Barnes and Noble, taking pictures and probably being annoying. We saw two of our teachers there xD so that was interesting. Oh and there was an accident or something in the square, there was an ambulance and stuff. We couldn't really see much though, but I hope they're okay. Eventually (:P) Hooly and his sister showed up and we all walked around some more, mainly to Barnes and Noble again to find a journal for Nitty and I. We bought this amazing one that came with a lock and two keys (perfect). Then, Hooly and I got cupcakes and Nitty spilled water :D It was all pretty exciting. After that, Colin came to my house and we got to spend some time together, which was really nice. I'm pretty sure I was 95% asleep when he left though :p

On Saturday, Colin came over, we got Panda Express, which was kinda good but kinda not, then we went to Larry's. The three of us went to Publix cause Matty was working, but we couldn't find him. We left for Ramshackles and got a text from Matty saying he was on break. So after Ramshackles, we went back and saw he was a cashier :) With Larry, Colin, and me, it was asking for trouble. We each went around and grabbed a banana, extra large and extra lubricated condoms, and whipped cream. We told Matty we'd see him at his house when he got off work ;D

After that! We picked up Stephen and went to Larry's brother's house. There was definitely a lot of people there so it was akward, although the dogs were wonderful :) Next, we went back to Larry's for a little (I think, I don't really remeber what we did in this time). Eventually, we ended up at Kyle's and pretended to kidnap Dustin, although that didn't really work. This is where my night got weird. While standing there, I got overwhelmed with emotions that I hated. Severe sadness and others I couldn't identify. I could feel my throat constricting, but I couldn't understand why, I never was this emotional around people. Eventually it got to the point that I had to tell Colin that I needed out of there. Of course, that's the exact time that Kyle was taking his girlfriend out the door, so I had to hold it all in until we got to Larry's car. Once there, I just started crying, couldn't hold it in anymore. I was so confused though, it was just like the stress and confusion of the whole week came out in a sad, wet mess right then and there. Of course, I didn't want anyone to see me like that, so Colin tried opening Larry's car door for me and the alarm goes off.


We wait for Larry to turn the alarm off and unlock the door (thank God he stayed in the doorway and didn't come out to the car). We got in and that's where I unleashed more tears and sob stories. I didn't really want to stop the waterworks though, I could tell I needed to get everything out. I hated being there, I was uncomfortable. I don't like going places where I don't know people, I always feel akward just standing there by the wall, I HATE it. So I had Colin text Larry to see if we could go soon. Unfortunately, I couldn't dry my eyes by the time they got out there, so I had to curl up against Colin, keeping my back to the front seat. It was easy enough to pretend I was asleep though.

I listened as Larry drove us to the lot across from Matty's house and we parked there to wait for Matt to get there. Larry and Stephen jumped out when Matt drove up, but Colin stayed with me until I told him he could go. I took a moment to try to make myself decent before I went out to hug Matt. I still felt that shakey feeling in my lips and throat though, so I was thankful it was dark outside (this was around 10:30). I think Larry made a comment that I looked really tired, so at least I had that on my side, instead of them knowing it was really because I had cried my eyes out.

We went to Larry's while Matt changed at his house. Eventually we took some crazy pictures/videos and got in the pool/hot tub. THAT was definitely interesting, but I'm so used to it. By now, I was feeling better, thank the Lord. Honestly, I was quiet through most of this part though because I was talking to Him, I needed His help to keep me strong and on the right direction instead of heading down paths that I had easily taken before. After the pool, Bri and I baked a cake, a whole cake :) It was chocolate and we put chocolate chips, coconut, blue icing, and pink sprinkles on it. Oh and the icing was special ;D It was the normal chocolate icing, but we added peanut butter to it, so it was extra special.

Orange juice is good too, you know.

This was around 4:30 and I think around 5:30, Larry, Stephen, Colin, and I crashed in Larry's bed, but he left around 6 cause we pretty much pushed him off :)

All in all it was pretty fun except for the evening. But God helped me, I'm sure.

Today, I got homework done and now I'm relaxing. I'm exhausted and feel kind of sad. I'm thinking the reason I'm feeling so emotional is cause I stopped taking Prozac. Like, cold turkey. Dunno if you're supposed to do that or not, but I have been. Oh well.

This was long, so please comment x

Thursday, September 11, 2008

I think I'm

getting sick :( I got home today and immediately changed into shorts and a tank top and fell asleep. I didn't wake up until 7:30 xD It was nice though. Ah, I'm started to feel like I'm getting reconnected with God and I'm loving it, it makes me feel so much better. I know He's helping me right now. Homework is frustrating me, but only because I can't get the stupid gestures for Art II right >:/ Making me a tad upset. This weekend, I want to have plans! I never do anymore. So, seriously, let's talk about that, keep me busy ;D

I can't stop listening to Christian music now, and it's all making me cry. I'm really sensitive right now, have been for the past week. Things are getting to me easier, but this...this is in a good way.

Let's comment this, okay?

i love you all <3

Tuesday, September 9, 2008

I feel

replaced. I'm having a hard time grasping that you'd choose her over me in some cases, believe her before you'd believe me. I don't get why I'm immediately the first suspect, but you know she'd never do something like that. I don't think it's fair that you're suddenly doing this, and I hope you know it hurts. Yeah, it really does. I miss you and I miss the way you used to be in some ways. You've changed/are changing a lot and I can't help but think some of it is her. I don't like the feeling that I'm losing you and I hate feeling like I need to fight for you, I shouldn't have to. It makes me mad but also really sad to see how easily I'm set aside in your point of view.

Today sucked. I got really sick in second period, almost threw up before third, got sick again in third, had to call my dad to bring me medicine, then had a serious issue xD, had to go home after fourth, dad sent me back at the end of fifth, and I forgot to do all my spanish homework. Apparently all my teachers are telling my dad I'm either too chatty or I don't do my homework. Well fuck school, and fuck this year, it's God damn lame and I hate it, I hate school so much.

I'm getting my new phone TOMORROW, hopefully. It was supposed to be Monday, then today, but now I'm pretty sure tomorrow. BETTER BE TOMORROW. I'm getting impatient, and my phone sucks balls. Colin came over today though, so that made me feel better :) I love him <3>

Oh and I miss you. Not you from above, but a new you. I miss you more than you can imagine and I hate how you're never around. I know it's not your fault, it's your life, but I miss you, oh so much. And I love you <3

I hope tomorrow's better.

comment x

Monday, September 8, 2008


love me cause they know that i can rock. Today was lame, I'm sick of school, ARGH! I don't care how many times I've said it already, I'm so sick of it. I was supposed to have an orthodontist appointment this morning, which I was really looking forward to since my jaw is killing me, but it turns out Mom marked it on the wrong day and it's really NEXT Monday. Oh well.

The highlight of my day definitely had to be in Art II when we were doing gesture drawings and Timmy was on the table ;D "MOVE YOUR EIFFEL TOWER!" I LOL'd hard. We all did :)

So here's how it goes;

1st period: Business Management and Law - it's boring as hell, but I sit next to Nitty, so it can be fun. We draw with DOMO.

2nd period: AP World History - it's amazing, i would stay in there all day if I could. I know everyone in there and have been with the majority of them since elementary school so it's cool, plus my best friend is in that class, and Mr Harris is so funny. " 'Dude you're a homo!' yeah, well, we all are. "

3rd period: English II - i love english so it's okay, and we're working on poetry kinda sorta so i love that, but other than that, we don't really do anything. Nitty's in this class though, and Mr Kubik is pretty chill.

4th period: Geometry - definitely boring but not horribly. The teacher is young so she's not a drag or strict, so it's pretty easy, but I don't like math of any sorts.

5th period: Integrated Science - it sucks because I'm the only sophomore since last year sucked for me. Oh well, though, I guess I'm warming up to it, it's not as bad as it used to seem.

B LUNCH: awesome cause I have it with Nyx, Hooly, Max, Zack, Grae, Michael, San Juana, and Hosef.

6th period: Art II - it's okay, but I miss our teacher from last year and I don't think Miss Smrekar likes us cause we talk too much xD but once again i have my best friend in there, along with sheri and timmy and juana, and taylor.

7th period: Spanish II - i think it's really boring but Sra. Hubbard is really nice and Michael and Sheri are right next to me so that makes it better. Plus I just pass notes the whole class ;D

WELL i'm not sure what the point of all that was but oh well. I'm bored now and Hollywood Undead just came on REALLY LOUD.

How was YOUR day?

loves x

Sunday, September 7, 2008


I saw Cirque Du Soleil last night, La NOUBA! and it was phenomenal! Oh, it was so funny too, which I never expected. I went with my dad, brother, and Colin :D mom was supposed to go but she was really sick :( She needs to get better, seriously, I'm worried about her.

Speaking of worried, I'm also worried about my best friend, because I think she made a bad choice :(
It's not that I'm worried, really, it's just I'm concerned or something. I don't know, seeing as concerned and worried are cousins pretty much. I just kind of feel like *slaps forehead* I guess.

I seriously need to try to stick to a good eating plan. I tried this diet but it was way disgusting xD so I'm just trying to watch what I eat now. Like, no soda, more water and stuff like that. We bought a bowflex, we just need to set it up, so that will be really good, I'm excited for that.

I have to do homework and I don't want to, ugh. I'm honestly so sick of school, like I don't know, it's such a DRAG this year. I have no desire for it and it just feels like a big game, in my opinion. I'm getting that I Don't Care attitude that I acquired last year and I guess it should worry me, seeing as where that led me, but it doesn't. I guess I'm welcoming it.

That part worries me a wee little bit, somewhere deep inside my bones and muscles and guts.

I took a bunch of pictures the other day and went to upload them but realized Yoshi had chewed through the usb cord and it's now shot. So I guess I'll have to beg my dad to let me put the memory card in his camera and then upload. We'll see how that goes xD

How was everyone's weekend?

off x

Thursday, September 4, 2008


was an extreme drag. It took forever and I wasn't feeling good at all. I wanted to stay home but Mom's like no :(

So I went. But I started feeling really sick in like the beginning of third period so I called her to come get me but! she had to go to marion county. So that sucked and I ended up having to stay the whole day and I almost fell asleep in geometry and maybe almost in integrated science which sucks cause it's alllll freshman in there and I think I have a coldddd.

That was a large RUN! ON! SENTENCE! Okay so, I'm really glad tomorrow is FRIDAY. I think I'm going to try to get Colin to pick me and Nitty up so we can hang out :D i loves nittypants. Speaking of which, gee, I wonder if he can fit into Allie's pants :p Well! We had to read poems outloud in third period (english) and I read Dreams by Edgar Allan Poe. I really like that poem. So then I went to fourth period (geometry) and was feeling very poetic. I wrote this;

Silence is a disgrace
Against the rhythm of our
But not - in vain - a shadow on
our faces.
I can steal the sun to seal
this fate.
If not by choice, our lips are
Then rage, I assume, will soon
For the notes that run off our
Are tangled with emotion and
Filling our hips and pulsating our
Oh yes, I do think we walk with a
In what - almost always - we have to
And our thoughts provoke
life-changing lines.
We walk in the darkness, if we
But our lips breathe sunshine
through lusty words
And I believe it is then that we are
Yep :) I really like it. I'm really hungry right now and craving Subway, but both my parents are at work. Someone bring me subway?! :D
loves x

Wednesday, September 3, 2008

I've pretty much decided

that I pity people who live for perfection. What a life. Today was all right. I'm really tired of school though, like seriously sick of it. I get so stressed out just getting dressed in the morning, knowing that's where I have to go. Well, I'm currently listening to 3oh!3; great shit right there. I'm not sure what exactly is happening in my life right now, I just know it's taking some sort of turn. Whether it's a good or bad one, I haven't figured out yet. I've been wanting to do a blog forever but was always too afriad to share things with people. Oh well, I'm at the point where I just want to get things out, I don't care who reads them anymore. I'm procrastinating on homework and despising school :) How was everyone elses day? Hope it was good.

off x