Thursday, September 18, 2008

You have no idea.

Today was slightly lame because I was sick and didn't wake up until around noon. I think I missed a science test too. Lame. Tomorrow is the fall fest, yay? I'm not sure, it was pretty boring last year if I remember correctly. So, since I was home alone all day, I had a lot of time to think and I realized that I'm trying really hard and I think I'm pushing myself too far, I'm expecting too much from myself. In reality, I need to slow down, calm down, and take time to think things out. It's not fair the way that I'm treating myself right now and how I'm constantly in stress, whether I show it or not. I have to remember what my therapist (yes, I saw a therapist, k) told me last year, "It's time for you to put aside making other people happy right now... YOU can't be any help to them if you don't have faith in the decisions your making. Put yourself first. Tell them you need time and if they care about you, they'll understand. You need help, and that comes first in these cases."

Right now, I need to go with that advice. I have too many conflicts going on in my mind right now and I'm not able to put all my heart into taking one step before another. So I guess I need to take things slow and make sure I'm doing the right things. I vow to stop sulking over the people who are tearing me apart right now.

I love you. I love you a lot. I want you to know that no matter what people tell you, it doesn't compare to how I see you and that should mean something to you. You're a wonderful person and an AMAZING best friend of mine. Try to think of good times and pray, like I told you to do last night. I swear it will help.

I miss you. I shouldn't, but I do. I don't know, should I? I'm praying about it. I'm not sure whether I should pursue you or just let for the cards to fall where they will. Either way, you're one of the things holding me back. I love you though.

I want us to become a lot closer again, like we did last year. You truly are an incredible, irreplacable person and you make me smile every single day. Plus, you and I come up with the best jokes and you're honestly someone that would kill me to lose.

Thanks to you, I'm continuing to put my faith into God more and more and I already am feeling better about myself how I live everyday. I noticed my attitude has been more positive and I've been smiling a lot more, on the inside too. I still can't thank you enough, although we both know it was no coincidence.

I think you're being overdramatic and I feel bad for you. I've already felt a wall break down. You were someone holding me back, but I've decided it's okay for me to just keep going how I am and I'll be okay. I've gone through too much pain for you to make me feel bad now. I love you, though.


No comments: