Saturday, June 27, 2009

To put my arms in fragile hands

What's wrong with you ? Why can't you just go for it , take what you want , be strong ? Why are you playing these games , constantly pulling people one way , pushing others another way. You're completely out of your mind , you say you're a good person , but people don't know how you really are. You're never satisfied , you can't just let things lie , you have to push for more and more. You can't make up your mind , your thoughts are horrible , and you play sick games with people. You lie , you cheat , you put up so many masks it's unbelievable. You'll easily pick an argument with someone you supposedly love. You're obsessive , you don't think before you speak , and you're ridiculous. You want what you can't have and you won't let that go. You'll push for it until the end of the world and you have no right to. You won't leave people alone , you just have to keep going until you get to the edge , and then you pause before you push some more. You're sick.

Friday, June 26, 2009

I really wanted

to see you tonight :(

Thursday, June 25, 2009


You're irritating me so badly. I swear , we've been through this before , talked about it before. I want to just YELL at you until you get everything I'm saying through your head. Every time I confront you about it , you start doing something else or act like you aren't listening , or like you don't even care.

You're really , really dancing on my last nerve. Be careful or you WILL lose me.

Jeronimo !

I can't believe I actually started playing WoW :P nuts. So lately I've been outtawhackawhack ! Like , with sleep. I'm up until the sun comes up or a little later , I fall asleep , I either wake up at like 8 or 9 , or 4pm XP I don't mind it too much , but mama doesn't appreciate it , lawl.

My brother is like 10 times worse though ! He'll stay up until 7 , sleep until 5 , stay up until 6 , sleep until 4 , and believe me , he is IMPOSSIBLE to wake up.

:) so Nittywood was supposed to come over today but he didn't :( I reallllly want to hang out with people. I wish I had a car. Or a license. Or a permit xD

I'll work on that.

Charlie Sheen makes me lol.

You know what I love ? 7:20am voicemails <3 srsly , the mega shiz.

Ah man , I'm tired XP

Nothing else is really going on right now , just day after day of getting up late , being lazy , playing videogames , and that's about it :) but yes , let's make plans for something.



Saturday, June 20, 2009

Harper's Island

Raise your hand if you watch Harper's Island !

Oh my goodness , I love that show so much it's unbelievable. It's SO hard to figure out and all full of blood and murder and mystery and BAM !

Harper Spam:

So in case you don't watch it, it's about this girl named Abby Mills who used to live on Harper's Island. When she was like 18 or something, a man named John Wakefield murdered 7 people on the the island, one being her mother. He strung them up in a tree that the people now call the Tree of Woe. Abby's father was so upset that he sent her away. Seven years later, she comes back for her best friend Henry's wedding to the girl of his dreams, Trish Wellington. The wedding was supposed to be a big party that lasted a week and then the wedding was to be on the last day or so. However, guests start disappearing and they soon find out it's murders and there's this whooooole plot and one or two or three people die each episode and you have to find out who it is :D !

It's really an edge-of-your-seat kind of thing and it's SO hard to figure out what is happening.

Okay , let's chat <3

Tuesday, June 16, 2009

I've got to find my life

I feel like I should be so incredibly sorry. For everything , for nothing , I'm not even sure. And I find I'm repeating myself with that , so many I-don't-knows. I suppose I'm just in transition , I feel like I'm changing , I feel like everything is shifting. It just feels weird. I want to grab onto so many things and fix things and just make it all work.

I feel like I need to stretch , I'm so tense , I'm so frustrated , I almost feel like I just need that breakdown to start fresh again. Like I need to just explode , cry , scream , everything , and then relax and figure things out.

I feel like I'm doing a really bad job at being myself. Everything is strange and I hate it.

It's like halfway through June and I've done barely anything. I want(ed) an amazing summer , can we please make it happen ?

And I'm infinitely sorry. For everything.


I'm wrong , I have no idea what I'm talking about . I'm too young , I'm too old , I'm too dependent.

I'm sorry. I can't win , I'm trying. I can't make connections with anything , I don't know.

I'm rambling. I don't even know what I want to say anymore.

Sunday, June 14, 2009

I tried so hard and got so far

but in the end , it doesn't even matter. I had to fall , to lose it all , but in the end , it doesn't even matter.

( You should listen to this while reading because I listened to it while typing )

Why do I seem to have such a hard time accepting that things are just the way they are ? There can be absolutely no going back , no sense in wishing things had played out differently. People say that there is always time to fix things , it's never too late , but sometimes it just doesn't happen that way. You work and work and work and try as hard as you can to push things back into place and though the pieces may cooperate for a moment , you soon find it won't fit together the way it used to. It's not the same , everything has shifted and you will never again have this perfect little picture that you knew.

It's not fair that certain events just ripple through everything and create such unsettling results. Relationships that once meant the world to you and seemed so strong , crumble , just like that , with no warning. Sometimes I feel like I'm the only one who cares , like I'm the only one who isn't making excuses , like I'm the only one who really remembers.

I feel sick , watching everything around me. I will never understand how people seem to just forget things , or how they are able to at least put up that act. I remember everything , but people seem so confused when I bring things up from the past. It's like , how could you forget ? How can I say something in reference of it to you , and you just reply with "What?" How on Earth do you FORGET or even ACT like it ?

I hate feeling like everybody just moves and I'm standing here with my arms up , like what the heck is going on ? I HATE feeling like I'm fighting so hard for nothing. Why should I try then ? Because I believed the promises ? Because I don't want to forget ? Because I'm stupid ?

I don't even know anymore and I'm tired of that stupid feeling. I wish I could just understand what people wanted.

Tell me , what do you want from me ? Really.

This is about so many things. I feel so tense with emotions , I'm so about to just explode and I can't tell if it will be in anger or sadness. I think people expect too much from me.

I hate how you act so oblivious or like I'm stupid. How you tell me to quit being dumb because that's not how you taught me. You really don't realize how much that bothers me , do you ? You want to know what you've taught me ? Really ?

Can't anybody see how HARD I'm trying ?! It would be so easy to just lie in bed all day and do absolutely nothing. NOTHING. It would be easy to forget about everybody and everything and just sleep forever. But I don't because I want things to WORK , I want people to go back to how they were , I want everything to just be GOOD.

You tell me I need to forget , I need to get over it , I need to not think about it , I need to accept it , I need to use it for my advantage. I NEED YOU TO SHUT UP. Nobody knows , nobody understands , and I don't want anyone to. But the jokes , the talk , when I'm sitting RIGHT THERE. You could at least be careful with what you say.

Half of the people tell me I'm so strong for what I've been through , that they wouldn't have been able to do it if they had been in my shoes. Then when I have any sort of breakdown , I just get from people that it's in the past and I need to not think about it. Not think about it. Sure. I'll get right on that.

My past up to this point HAS made me incredibly strong and will continue to. When I'm ready. Not when you think I'm ready , not when you're sick of hearing it. When I'm ready.

I'd like to add that I'm sorry when I act immature , stubborn , or bitchy. I don't mean to bother you.


Sunday, June 7, 2009

Painted faces fill the places I can't reach

I'm tired of people and the way they act. I'm tired of feeling disgusted by human beings everywhere I look. I want conversations with people who care, who view the world through the same pair of eyes that I do. I want to hear from someone who wants to change things, who won't settle for the flow of what people have set up to be their lives. There's only a handful of people who aren't getting on my nerves right now.

I'm tired of feeling so helpless. I feel like I'm a little girl again, waiting for mommy to hold my hand so I can cross the street. I feel ashamed that I have to take a sleeping pill before I go out, to keep my anxiety down, and that I now take Valium. I hate that I have to beg people not to take me certain places or not to leave me because I am terrified. I'm tired of trying to explain to people that I don't know why I'm scared, I just am. I'm sick of walking by people and holding my breath. I'm tired of crying because there is no one around and I'm paralyzed with fear. I'm tired of having friends laugh at me because they don't understand why I'm too scared to go places with them or be without an adult.

I'm REALLY tired. <---- please go here for my tumblr <3 ?

Friday, June 5, 2009

Hold your breath and count to ten

I'm really glad I finally got to hang out with friends today :) even though it was a complete pain in the butt to get Austin -.- srsly man , why live in Tavares ?

Treva and Arrie and I went to Orlando just to go to Oakley and pick up Treva's like , $500 key or something :P As much as I hate the actual Orlando part , I loooove the car rides. The scenery there is really pretty once you're on that long stretch of road. It's my favorite place to take videos on my phone while blasting music on the radio. Ha , we especially had a fun time clapping like crazy and dancing like mad while people stared at us from their cars on every side XP

I want to go to Austin's house tomorrow , maybe the boyfriend will take me ? :P

My anxiety is out.of.control. I had to get something that holds the equivalent of Valium, which the hospital gave me before my MRIs and after my surgeries and stuff. At their doses , I'm sooooo calm. On Valium , it's like you still are aware of any possible fear , but it like doesn't allow you to feel it , if that makes any sense.

But I dunno , hard to explain.

I'm excited to go see The Dear Hunter next Wednesday :D yaaaaaaaa baby.

Let's talk <3

Wednesday, June 3, 2009

It's written all over the place

I want an amazing summer. I want to remember all of it. I want to shake off the pain of this past year, forget it all for two months. I want to have fun. I want to be with people, always.

Let's make like 8,000 plans, starting now !

I think I'm going to hang out with Austin and Arrie Friday, possibly Hooly too.


These past 2 days, I haven't even gotten dressed xD it's pathetic, I've simply lazed around, doing like nothing.

Across the Universe just came on. I don't like this movie :( That blonde chick has too deep of a voice. And the asian is funny looking.

Okay, text me, seriously ! Comment if you need my number :D

<3 Oh. And I love my mother to death, but sometimes I wish she wouldn't come talk to me about EVERYTHING. Like the fact that my dad argues with her over financial issues, or that my brother isn't being promoted to seventh grade. Why does she feel the need to call and check up on me throughout the day, only to then add before she hangs up, these little details of my family that I don't want to hear? Sometimes, I wish she left me out of that loop. It makes me hope she doesn't go telling my dad and brother everything that goes on with me.

This song gives me the biggest chills, it's amazing. If you've never heard it, go here:

Help, I have done it again

I have been here many times before

Hurt myself again today

And, the worst part is there's no-one else to blame

Be my friend

Hold me, wrap me up

Unfold me

I am small

and needy

Warm me up

And breathe me

Ouch I have lost myself again

Lost myself and I am nowhere to be found,

Yeah I think that I might break

Lost myself again and I feel unsafe

Be my friend

Hold me, wrap me up

Unfold me

I am small

and needy

Warm me up

And breathe me

Monday, June 1, 2009

And at last take a breath

I'm so excited for the SIMS 3 tomorrow. Mama says she's gon try real hard to get it for me asap :D YAYAYAYAYAYAY.

Today was chill. I didn't get out of my PJs, I played SIMS 2, watched movies, ate s0uP. All that fun stuff. I'm still sick, but I'm getting better.

By the way, if you don't already follow/watch my Tumblr, you should !


I hate the Clearasil commercials. "Warning, Clearasil may cause confidence." and then the person like walks up to the opposite sex and does something daring. Yeah, right. OH LOOK MY PIMPLE DISAPPEARED, NOW I CAN GO USE THAT GUY'S SUNGLASSES AS A MIRROR AS I APPLY MY LUSCIOUS RED LIPSTICK.

Go to Youtube, search 'Gummy Bear song' and click the Long English Version, if you've never seen these before. Srsly, I was like :Ding and dancing to it for ten minutes. It makes me so happy.

Love you <3

P.S. You know you're a BlogSpot kid whenever you're jamming to music and you listen for lyrics that would make good blog titles ;D

(am I the only one who does that?)