Sunday, June 14, 2009

I tried so hard and got so far

but in the end , it doesn't even matter. I had to fall , to lose it all , but in the end , it doesn't even matter.

( You should listen to this while reading because I listened to it while typing )

Why do I seem to have such a hard time accepting that things are just the way they are ? There can be absolutely no going back , no sense in wishing things had played out differently. People say that there is always time to fix things , it's never too late , but sometimes it just doesn't happen that way. You work and work and work and try as hard as you can to push things back into place and though the pieces may cooperate for a moment , you soon find it won't fit together the way it used to. It's not the same , everything has shifted and you will never again have this perfect little picture that you knew.

It's not fair that certain events just ripple through everything and create such unsettling results. Relationships that once meant the world to you and seemed so strong , crumble , just like that , with no warning. Sometimes I feel like I'm the only one who cares , like I'm the only one who isn't making excuses , like I'm the only one who really remembers.

I feel sick , watching everything around me. I will never understand how people seem to just forget things , or how they are able to at least put up that act. I remember everything , but people seem so confused when I bring things up from the past. It's like , how could you forget ? How can I say something in reference of it to you , and you just reply with "What?" How on Earth do you FORGET or even ACT like it ?

I hate feeling like everybody just moves and I'm standing here with my arms up , like what the heck is going on ? I HATE feeling like I'm fighting so hard for nothing. Why should I try then ? Because I believed the promises ? Because I don't want to forget ? Because I'm stupid ?

I don't even know anymore and I'm tired of that stupid feeling. I wish I could just understand what people wanted.

Tell me , what do you want from me ? Really.

This is about so many things. I feel so tense with emotions , I'm so about to just explode and I can't tell if it will be in anger or sadness. I think people expect too much from me.

I hate how you act so oblivious or like I'm stupid. How you tell me to quit being dumb because that's not how you taught me. You really don't realize how much that bothers me , do you ? You want to know what you've taught me ? Really ?

Can't anybody see how HARD I'm trying ?! It would be so easy to just lie in bed all day and do absolutely nothing. NOTHING. It would be easy to forget about everybody and everything and just sleep forever. But I don't because I want things to WORK , I want people to go back to how they were , I want everything to just be GOOD.

You tell me I need to forget , I need to get over it , I need to not think about it , I need to accept it , I need to use it for my advantage. I NEED YOU TO SHUT UP. Nobody knows , nobody understands , and I don't want anyone to. But the jokes , the talk , when I'm sitting RIGHT THERE. You could at least be careful with what you say.

Half of the people tell me I'm so strong for what I've been through , that they wouldn't have been able to do it if they had been in my shoes. Then when I have any sort of breakdown , I just get from people that it's in the past and I need to not think about it. Not think about it. Sure. I'll get right on that.

My past up to this point HAS made me incredibly strong and will continue to. When I'm ready. Not when you think I'm ready , not when you're sick of hearing it. When I'm ready.

I'd like to add that I'm sorry when I act immature , stubborn , or bitchy. I don't mean to bother you.



Laura <3 said...

I like the end, a lot. I hate so much when people expect you to move past things in the manner or as soon as they do. You are not them, your are you =]

Laura Rahel said...

Last comment, that was me =) I forgot to sign in o_O opps =]

NittyWood said...

I just want to be your best friend. <3
i love you!