Tonight I want to be taken away

I hate feeling so right one moment...putting so much faith into the next step, knowing it's the most perfect thing to do. Then the next, it's like you're worried, upset that you're going to do the wrong thing. And I hate that my mind is pulling me one way so far while my heart seems so unsure. I'm going day by day feeling more and more insecure but trying so hard to let go of it and just let things happen. I feel like I'm working incredibly hard to be better, make good choices, and just listen. Right now I feel like I'm being tested and I know it's a part of life but I wish it wasn't right NOW. I guess there's no choice on that though. I'm emotionally and physically exhausted and school is the last place I want to be. I can't concentrate on any of it except ART which is my favorite right now because painting seems most peaceful, even if it is ugly abstract stuff, I feel like I have control over it. I don't like that automatically, I'm feeling sorry for myself, but at the same time, I feel the need to just let myself be aware of it. So then, I suppose, it's not self pity.

Also, I'm not so sure letting go of the past is always a good thing? I don't know. I guess eventually I could start to think of it less and less...but I don't ever want to forget. I thought I found some hope for awhile and I held onto it for dear, dear life. Now I feel as maybe it's running from me..I hope not, I really do. Maybe I just need to keep my focus on it.

I miss Colin.
I miss you.
I miss you, too.
I need You.
I love you, you, you, and You.

I feel like crying, goodnight