I almost drove myself insane today. I was in Kubik's class and he was reading us a really good story, but my mind kept wandering onto deeper things. When I say deeper things, I mean things like existence, eternity, and my human mind not being able to fathom the thought of it all. Seriously, I got swept up in thinking these horribly frustrating questions.
"Why are we here?"
"How did God always exist?"
"Who ARE we?"
"What is existence?"
"Why isn't there just nothing?"
"What is any of it?"
Seriously, thinking about it drove me crazy. Kubik's voice was waving in and out of my ears and my heart kept giving out random hard beats. It took me around fifteen minutes to finally get my thoughts directed toward the story that he was reading. It's just so irritating that our minds weren't created to understand. AGH.
My grandpa's in the hospital still. He was scheduled to go in yesterday morning for some back surgery. I heard the surgery went well and they were getting ready to discharge him when I guess his heart rate slowed down drastically. Apparently he had a heart block of some sort? I don't understand it completely, but they needed to keep him and he needs more surgery now, to put a pacemaker in. I just hope it all goes well. My dad has him on speaker phone right now and he sounds horrible; he's all drugged up and his voice is scratchy. Pray for him, please.
I went up another size in my gauges today. I wish I could be more open about it, but I'm scared to put my hair up or anything because my parents won't let me have them xD as far as they know, I'm still a size 14, not an 8. Oh well. I still can't get it in my right ear, so I look kind of weird with only my left ear gauged :p I'll work on it, but my right ear is never cooperative with going up sizes.
I got the new AP Magazine today :) I'm excited that A Day to Remember has their new CD coming out February 3rd! That's Tuesday, whoo :D I'm happy for that. I haven't done any homework yet and I know I have quite a bit. I wish I cared more about school. I know that I should, but I have such a hard time with motivation. The only classes I can stand are English II, Business, and Art II. I completely fail at history, I absolutely despise it. I promised myself that I would work really hard this semester, yet here I am again.
Also, I'm really tired of people acting like they know things about me when they have no idea. Especially them suggesting who I can or cannot be friends with? Please. I think someone is pushing their way into places they don't belong. Honestly, who do they think they are? I guess it doesn't matter though, I'm ignoring it. I'm not going to take it seriously. I just wish they would stop acting like they have rule over everything.
Have you ever slightly scared yourself but felt completely fine and confident at the same time? That happened to me today. Ah, just when I think I'm starting to understand who I am... I guess I really have no idea. I'm changing in my thoughts and emotions every single day, it seems, and once I think I'm feeling comfortable, something new arises and I'm left speechless and unsure of what to do next. I'm kind of getting sick of it though. I want to learn who I am and stay that way, although I don't believe that's ever possible, for anyone. We're constantly going to change. I just wish I didn't change so sporadically.
Oh, I really hope there's something great for me down the line.
I had a dream a few nights ago that I can't get out of my head, but I'm not going to share it. I'm just going to say that instead of making me sad, like it should have, it filled me with happiness. I think my mind is unfair to me. I think it enjoys my confusion. I think I'm way too complicated for myself right now.
The only things I'm certain about:
- I am in love.
- I am missing people.
- I am stuck in the past.
- I am ridiculously stubborn.
- I am so unsure about everything.
"You won't find me in the same spot, believe me.
I could never stop.
My life's turned upside down.
Meet me out past the train tracks.
I'm leaving and not coming back.
You're right and I was wrong.
This town will be the downfall of us all."
I want to expand my creativity. I wish I was better at art. Or at least took really cool photos.
Goodbye for now
11 months ago