I think I let myself down a little today. I'm sorry. To myself. It would be so, so easy to take this road again, spiral down, down, down into the darkness. There's no light, no worries, and no one to bother you because you lost your care on the second stumble.
I can't go back there. I've surrounded myself with loving people, God, and good things. I can't leave it all behind just so I can be selfish and turn around again.
I have to keep going, one step after another. I need to keep my focus and make short-term goals so they don't seem so unreachable.
I know I'm smart. I am so, so smart. I just can't seem to put that intelligence into education. School still has no affect on me. I will argue with you until the end of the world about school. I could be getting A's, I could have a perfect GPA, I could be in all honors and on my way to as much AP as possible. I could be a star student, one all the teachers like to go gaga over. I could be number one in all of my classes. I could be. Instead, I don't do the homework, I half-ass tests, I never study, I don't pay any attention whatsoever, and I shrug it all off.
I hate that people then mistake me for not being smart. I hate when people try to explain things to me because they think I don't know them. I didn't know what the US Patriot Act was until Kubik told me personally. I just don't recall learning it, I was probably asleep. This doesn't make me stupid though. I have the ability, I just don't use it. I don't put forth the effort to be book smart. I concentrate more on people, psychology, relationships, life. I can't focus on education. I'm like anti-education and work. Why? I couldn't answer this question for a million dollars.
It's something that really bothers me though because I look at my closest friends and they're complaining because they have a low A. I look down at my report card and I'm barely passing the class. This kills me because I KNOW I could have a high A. I could be the one that the teacher says, "Excellent job!" to. Nope. Instead I sit there and sigh over my 33F progress report.
But I'm not stupid. I'm an old soul, I have high intelligence, and I'm so much more mature than the majority of people surrounding me. Hopefully, I'll be able to use the smart ability for something great in the future because for now I'm hurting.
God Bless <3
1 year ago