I don't breathe the way I used to

I had to get checked out in third period today because I was way too tired xD I didn't even ask my mom to pick me up though, I just texted her saying I was exhausted and the next thing I know, I'm getting called down to the office.

I had bad luck with food today xD I tried pre-heating the oven to make some fries and started smelling burnt plastic. So I open the oven and find that Mommy dearest was hiding the leftovers of Colin's birthday cake in the oven. So it's EVERYWHERE and there's a mini fire that keeps sparking around the melted icing and I'm freaking out and calling my mom and trying to pour water on it and xD it sucked. So then Mama comes home, cleans up and stuff, then puts the fries in the toaster oven for me. I forget about them. I walk into the kitchen about an hour later and it's FULL of smoke, fries are black as night and I'm just like xD man, wtf, I'm apparently destined to not eat these fries.

It was weird. I finally got some made safely, though :)

I've been listening to nevershoutnever and eatmewhileimhot the entire time that I've been home. They make me so happy <33

My mom said if I can show some real effort in school and pick grades up, I can get a job :) one of her friends at work has his own business with his wife and said he could get me hired there :D so I'm going to try really hard. It would only be a few hours because I'm only 15, but it's still something.

Today was relatively good though :)



<3

I need to finish a lot of homework, though. I love you guys. Oh, by the way, publishing comments still isn't working for me for some reason :( but I would be commenting everyone if I could. I'm still reading though :D so just know.

<33 !!

To Write Love on Her Arms

I feel disconnected today, as if I'm watching the world from the other side of a fuzzy TV screen. I discovered that I find much comfort in the TWLOHA blogs. I added them on myspace because I say I'm for the organization, but I never really did anything. I ignored all of the bulletins, like I do most companies or organizations that add me. However, last night I hit a low. I got stuck in a dark point that I haven't been in for a long time. It scared me to be so out of control again. Immediately, I was flooded with flashbacks of emotions and physical feelings. Once you remember these things, it's easy to want to go back. It seems so much easier to give in, like an iron hand is dragging you into the shadows. The day is hot but the shadow is a place for you to cool down and be comfortable. You find yourself in a struggle to embrace comfort or fight to be in warmth again, where you know you should be.

I saw that TWLOHA had posted a new blog asking people to answer two simple questions. The questions were:
1) What was your highlight of 2008?
2) What are your hopes for 2009?

I read through most of the responses already there and found that this place felt safe and it felt comfortable. I replied to a lot of the people who had posted and then put a post myself. I felt that by reading all of these people's thoughts, I felt less alone and less upset. I realized that TWLOHA truly wants the best for people. I'm not the only one who felt this either, several people said in their posts that they were thankful for TWLOHA. Some said that blog was the only place they felt safe. I realized it's the same for me. I was out of control and revisiting old habits. I immediately felt relief after I posted my reply to this blog and then continued to read through and comment on other answers.

I felt disconnected today, as if I was watching the world from the other side of a fuzzy TV screen. However, I feel connected at the same time, to the people who are in this great big hug of TWLOHA. I didn't feel alone today. I felt great comfort knowing that I wasn't the only one going through rough moments. It's no surprise after the past I've had either, I think I'm allowed to have a few slips. It's just so amazing to know that TWLOHA is there and the people involved are all willing to surrounding each other with love.

I'm sitting here, watching my brother, his friend, and my dad play a card game. They're extremely loud. My mother is behind me, on the couch, watching a soap opera. I can hear the mumbled voices of the people on the TV. However, I barely hear them, I'm barely here. I'm lost in thinking of the people out there who share my hopes, aspirations, fears, and problems. I feel a love for them and I feel a love from them, in the way that we are the same.

I suggest watching this. Jared Leto is my hero, his voice is beautiful and sends chills down my spine. His acoustic work is amazing.