I started out perfectly fine last night. I was happy , I had music blasting , I was doing surveys on Myspace , watching great shows on TV. Heck , I was even playing WoW. I couldn't have been any better. Things led to me trying to make someone feel better and feeling bad for them and before I knew it I was in the midst of one of the biggest breakdowns of my life thus far. Talk about pulling out hair , rocking back and forth , sweating , shaking madness. For two hours I paced my room , curled up in a ball , rolled around my bed , cried my eyes out , screamed into pillows , and ripped apart magazines and papers that may or may not have been important.
I try so hard to push things into the back of my mind , to keep up with this 'happy' because it's just so easy to make people believe that you're okay. "How are you ?" they ask , and it doesn't matter if you don't answer with a "Great !" or "Good". You can make do with an "I'm all right." and they won't press. It's just so much cleaner to leave it at that , no emotional mess to clean up or worry that you'll scare them away or accidentally let them get too close.
I try , believe me , I even convince myself at times that I'm perfectly fine , I am as happy and carefree as I seem. Sometimes I manage to forget that it's mainly an act. Then nights like last night happen and I realize that I'm so far from okay. I can't say "I'm all right." I don't reach that standard , not yet. Sure meltdowns can happen sometimes and it doesn't mean anything's wrong , but the thoughts that ran through my head and the things I had to do to keep myself calm are ridiculous and not in any means above the line of "okay".
There I was , stuck in this ramble of spitting out quiet complaints just as quickly as they popped into my mind. I wanted to scream as loud as I could , break things , but no , I had to be so quiet because it was four in the morning and fits are unacceptable at such a time. All of the fragile things in my room seemed to be begging me to lift them and throw them , shatter them. I had to go sit out in the living room so I wouldn't destroy anything , save the papers and magazines that I managed to get my hands on.
This morning I woke up and realized that things MUST change , they absolutely have to. It's not fair that I have forgotten about myself completely. I barely even take care of myself anymore. I feel I have to tiptoe around everyone as to not upset them. It can't be that anymore , it HAS to be about myself , it isn't fair that I'm constantly pushed aside or not taken seriously or just ignored. I can't deal with it anymore. And people seem to think that because I'm "happy" I don't have anything bothering me. Why does everyone assume that I'm just FINE , I'm grand , I'm doing amazing ?
You know , I'm just a really good liar apparently. So I guess I shouldn't blame anyone. I don't care how long ago something happened , how miniscule it was , who it involved , it doesn't matter , if I feel like I still need to focus on it and grieve over it , then I will. It isn't anyone else's job to say how I react to things and how long I take to accept them. The next time you wonder why I'm acting like a bitch or I'm not talking or something , take a minute to remember just exactly what I've been through.
I'm going to stop here because I'm getting mad and I'll just regret writing further. Goodnight.
11 months ago