Wednesday, February 4, 2009

All the violent, sweet, perfect words that you said

I've decided that I love the fact that more and more people are swarming into this little pond of Blogspot. I used to be terrified of people; I was scared that they would look at me and be able to figure me out. As of right now, I am bursting with excitement. I can barely contain it behind my ribs and I am almost aching, trying to type out these thoughts as fast as I can, before they leave me.

I'm excited to share my mind with people, to pour out my soul to anyone who gives a damn. I don't want to be shy and keep things to myself. I'm ready to write what I want, to no longer be held back with the fear that I will scare people with my thoughts, my wishes, my everyday hopes.

Although, since I'm probably going to have more people following my jumbled rants, I would like to say something: I have a past. I have done things I am not proud of and I have lived through situations that permanently haunt my thoughts. I am not an optimistic thinker, unless I am trying to help other people. I am not a fan of myself and I can be rather cruel. I do not like to openly bash people so I rarely will name the subjects of my rants. I have a rather dark mind, so be prepared for shocking things.


Now that that's over with... Writing is starting to come easier to me again. I was struggling for awhile and that always puts me in a funk. I hate feeling restricted from letting all of my words out. Sometimes, I think that I get so stressed out that I physically can't release it. I'm unable to unleash my pains. Since writing has been my comfort for years, I function better when I'm able to do it and become satisfied with the work. For example, last night's blog about the bruises. I loved that, I was happy with that. As for other recent works: eh, not so much. I'm just glad that it's getting better.

I feel like I'm repeating myself. I think I'm typing too fast. I got too excited by all the new people :P

Okay, so after I got out of the shower tonight, I had a thought. I'm craving misery, self-chaos, and maybe pain. I'm going to be honest, it crossed my mind to skip food altogether tomorrow. Then, I remembered how I always get sick if I don't eat breakfast. Seriously, I'm a breakfast nut; if I don't eat it, I get nauseaus and feel all lethargic. Next, I craved that. I wanted that discomfort. It's like ever since I discovered some bruises that I had yesterday, I've been wanting it. I think that's okay though. I've been doing really good for a long time, keeping my thoughts on happy things and I have actually been rather optimistic lately. I think we're allowed the occasional thought of a masochist here and there, right?

You spin my head right round, right round, when you go down, when you go down down.

Flo Rida makes me happy.

Just like last night, I would like to say that my homework is complete, but it is not. I haven't even started actually. I've been too busy trying to perfect my hair. That's another thing! I've been really wanting to branch out on my look lately. I want to put more color in my hair, I would kill for a monroe piercing, and I'm fascinated with the thought of stretching my ears. The second two, my mommy isn't too happy with xD oh well, I'm trying to convince her.

"I am locked deep within my mind in the way that I turn left and right, unsure of which way to go. So many branches, so many directions that I can start down, all different outcomes. I can choose to cling desperately to these old homemade films that replay behind my eyes over and over, over and over, over and over. I can continue to walk through every single day, step after laborous step, breath after laborous breath. I can twist my tongue in ways that form hate to fall from my breath, like tiny bombs ready for attack. But who would love me if I became blind and spineless? What human would reach out for something so unsteady when they themselves are on the tips of their toes and at the edge? I sure wouldn't trust me with myself."

Oh, and I kind of hate the fact that I am so certain about something that it makes me sick.

I miss you.

I love you all <3 leave comments



FaexLOVE said...

I agree, lately I've just wanted to totally change up my mood lately
I want to get a lip piercing, a tattoo and I want to dye my hair CRAZY colors. I don't know I just want to stand out. :P

I loves you<3

xBeautifulDreamerX said...

i think we're all on the same page lately about the whole "look" thing.
i want to change my look, but in what way im not sure.
my parents would kill me if i did some of the things i want to do.
i want to branch out.
but i cant.
and truthfully, it sucks