To Write Love on Her Arms

I feel disconnected today, as if I'm watching the world from the other side of a fuzzy TV screen. I discovered that I find much comfort in the TWLOHA blogs. I added them on myspace because I say I'm for the organization, but I never really did anything. I ignored all of the bulletins, like I do most companies or organizations that add me. However, last night I hit a low. I got stuck in a dark point that I haven't been in for a long time. It scared me to be so out of control again. Immediately, I was flooded with flashbacks of emotions and physical feelings. Once you remember these things, it's easy to want to go back. It seems so much easier to give in, like an iron hand is dragging you into the shadows. The day is hot but the shadow is a place for you to cool down and be comfortable. You find yourself in a struggle to embrace comfort or fight to be in warmth again, where you know you should be.

I saw that TWLOHA had posted a new blog asking people to answer two simple questions. The questions were:
1) What was your highlight of 2008?
2) What are your hopes for 2009?

I read through most of the responses already there and found that this place felt safe and it felt comfortable. I replied to a lot of the people who had posted and then put a post myself. I felt that by reading all of these people's thoughts, I felt less alone and less upset. I realized that TWLOHA truly wants the best for people. I'm not the only one who felt this either, several people said in their posts that they were thankful for TWLOHA. Some said that blog was the only place they felt safe. I realized it's the same for me. I was out of control and revisiting old habits. I immediately felt relief after I posted my reply to this blog and then continued to read through and comment on other answers.

I felt disconnected today, as if I was watching the world from the other side of a fuzzy TV screen. However, I feel connected at the same time, to the people who are in this great big hug of TWLOHA. I didn't feel alone today. I felt great comfort knowing that I wasn't the only one going through rough moments. It's no surprise after the past I've had either, I think I'm allowed to have a few slips. It's just so amazing to know that TWLOHA is there and the people involved are all willing to surrounding each other with love.

I'm sitting here, watching my brother, his friend, and my dad play a card game. They're extremely loud. My mother is behind me, on the couch, watching a soap opera. I can hear the mumbled voices of the people on the TV. However, I barely hear them, I'm barely here. I'm lost in thinking of the people out there who share my hopes, aspirations, fears, and problems. I feel a love for them and I feel a love from them, in the way that we are the same.

I suggest watching this. Jared Leto is my hero, his voice is beautiful and sends chills down my spine. His acoustic work is amazing.

Day 5: Raspberry

Luscious, ripe Oregon raspberries add a deliciously tangy, fruity flavor to an already outstanding China Black tea blend. Rich and deep flavored brewed traditionally and outstanding as an iced tea.

Morning:: I woke up around 10-11. My bed was actually comfy last night since I got one of those tempurpedic mattress toppers. I woke up happier since I talked to Colin on the phone last night. Brandon was still asleep when I got up so I snuck out to the living room to play the PlayStation3 :D but I got stuck quick and had to wake him up to help me with a game :/ it's called Mirror's Edge. It's cool but makes me dizzy xD My Aunt and Grandpa are going to come over around 1 so we can say goodbye to my Aunt. She leaves for Michigan today :/

Afternoon: My Aunt was really sad to go. Complete opposite of me, she wishes she could stay in the heat. She doesn't want to go back home to Michigan where it's cold and snowing. What a weird person xD I would kill to be in the snow. I pretty much just played video games all day. My mom and Brandon went to Walmart and GameStop to try to exchange/get wii and PlayStation3 games. GameStop was RIDICULOUS. They had to be way over their limit of people xD it was gross and scary. We ended up getting Little Big Planet for ps3, a Pokemon game for Wii, some family game for Wii, Mario Kart for Wii, and 2 more controllers for the Wii. It was a decent afternoon.

Night: That family game we got for the Wii was great xD Watching my mother try to play the Wii is hilarious. Absolutely hilarious. My brother and I keep arguing on whether or not we should play Little Big Planet or what. I'm talking to Colin on the phone though, so I don't really care about anything else. I think I'll sleep in the living room tonight. I love you <3

Day 4: Ginger Peach

The light flavor of this famous oriental spice enhances the smooth, rich taste of fresh southern peaches and combines with a blend of China Black teas to create a most appealing tea.

Morning: My Aunt and grandpa left so late that I didn't actually lie down until around 2am. Then I didn't fall asleep until around 4:30, I think. Either way, Brandon woke me up with a "GET UP FOR PRESENTS, AH-LEEEEE!" xD I think it was 9:30. It was a great morning though. My Aunt and Grandpa came over, we all had a ton of gifts that we loved. Breakfast was yummy too <3 every major holiday, Mom makes Cinnamon Rolls ! They are the absolute shiz. Oh and we got a ps3 and a wii. I knew about the ps3, but no one knew about the wii, my Dad decided to surprise Mom with it ;D

Afternoon: Christmas is pretty much good, I just really miss Colin. We ate dinner here as a family, and then we're going over to the neighbor's house for a mini Christmas party. I'm kinda bleh about it because it's always all boring and adult-ish. However, our new neighbors are supposed to be going and they have two kids, 16 and 6 year old boys. So maybe that can keep Brandon and I busy.

Night: Stupid neighbor's kids never showed up. So it really was a boring, adult party. I love my Aunt xD she's never met anyone over there before. So she walks in with her Tequila Rose, pours everyone shots, sits down at a table full of people, and starts chatting away, aha. I played the Wii a little bit since the neighbor's own one. It was funny watching all of the adults attempting to play :P My mom and I got really bored though after about an hour and walked home. I was really happy that Colin called me for the first time since he's beeng gone. Although he said he would call EVERY night. Oh well. I'm going to sleep in my room tonight. I love you.

Day 3: Earl Grey

The finest China Black teas are blended and infused with the oil of Bergamot, a pear-shaped citrus from the Mediterranean. Named after Earl Charles Grey, who was presented with the tea while he was a diplomat in China in the early 1800's.

Morning: I slept on the couch again last night. Being in my room just feels too weird. I only step foot in there to get dressed, then I'm gone. I don't think I fell asleep until around 4am, either. I woke up in a pretty good mood, though, so that's a plus.

Afternoon: I've done absolutely nothing except sit around and watch TV or get on the computer. There's nothing to do. On a second note, I really despise Florida. It's Christmas Eve and it's warm. I hate that. I HATE it. I'm really moody now, my happy mood deteriorated. I fell asleep in my parents' bed because it has one of those tempurpedic mattress tops. Taking long naps in the afternoon screw me up. So now I'm even more moody. I took a shower, though. Now, I guess my aunt and grandpa are coming over. I feel like I'm on the verge of tears. I hate Christmas in Florida. It doesn't even feel like Christmas. I'm not excited. I'm not happy. I feel gross and blah. I hate PMS, too. I hate that Colin is in North Dakota and not here, with me. I hate North Dakota.

Night: I definitely felt better once my Aunt and grandpa got here. I forgot how fun my Aunt could be. She let me have shots of tequila rose :) And keeps showing me pictures of her new puppy and making fun of my dad, haha. We watched Jeff Dunham's Christmas Special again. It was about my family's 6th time seeing it xD but she had never seen it, so we watched it. It's still funny no matter how many times you've seen it. I'm kind of full from eating so much food xD All of those little food trays can really fill you up. Especially my Aunt's devilled eggs, YUM <33 I still wish Colin was here though, I miss him a lot. I can't believe tomorrow's Christmas. I wanted to get my permit over break but Dad said I can't get it until I finish virtual school :( So I guess I'll try to work hard on that tomorrow. I realllllly want to get my permit before school starts up again. My birthday is in October, I don't want to turn 16 and have to wait too long. Two months won't kill me but I don't want to go any longer than that. I'm going to sleep in the living room again tonight. My room feels empty and weird without you. I love you.

Day 2: Apricot

The essence of ripe and juicy apricots is blended with the highest quality China Black Keemun tea. Enjoy this tea brewed traditionally or pour over ice for a wonderfully refreshing treat.

Morning: Sleeping on the couch kinda of sucked but only because Brandon was so freaking loud on XBOX Live and kept waking me up. It's so much cooler out in the living room than in my room. I guess that's because of the two fans and all. Plus, my bedroom door is always shut. I'm better today. A lot better. I let Zena inside, which I'm not supposed to do, but Brandon's the only one home and he's 11 and sleeping. What can he do? :) Right now my lovely cat is lying on the dining room table, probably getting her calico fur alllll over it. I heart Zena :D

Afternoon: I was really happy when Nitty suggested I hang out with Sheri and him today. This was fun :) Nitty picked me up and we went to Applebee's. That was definitely interesting with Braelyn and Trace and Taylor there too xD I LOL'd so hard to Braelyn sometimes. "Those old people aren't Negroes. Why aren't they Negroes?" Ahaa. Quesadillas are good with A1 sauce too. After Applebee's, we went to Best Buy and saw Larry there. Then we went to see Austin's new house, yay! I like his old one better :P We made amazing miis though, lmao. I have the best video evar on my camera now. Then Sheri's mama picked Sheri and me up and took us to see Dustin. Greaaaaat 15 minutes of my life I'll never get back. Dustin wouldn't even get naked for us. Come onnnn. :P Then I went to Sheri's and got my Christmas gifts [eeeeeh :D] Then she went to Pauly's to meet her frand and my daddy took me home.

Night: I don't really feel like going to bed for awhile. I'm content fixing up my Myspace and searching for graphics. I got some new music today, it's keeping me happy. I'm glad I had a better day today. Although, I really do feel awkward and lonely without you. It's strange, I can't explain it. I can't wait for you to get back. I love you.



flickr photo for Tuesday, December 23, 2008

Day 1: Cinnamon Plum

The rich and aromatic flavor of China Black Teas harmonize with the equally rich flavor of plums that have just a hint of spice added to create a treat for your palate.

Morning: The house is freezing cold and empty. Half of my bed is lying on the floor from too much tossing and turning. My eyes burn and my throat is dry. I finally shut my bedroom windows and turned up the heat. I'm glad I have this hoodie. I think I have plans for later today. Probably going to work out with Mom then go shopping a bit. Who knows, though. I miss you already.

Afternoon: All I could do was lie around and watch movies. First it was The Cat in the Hat, with Michael Meyers. Brandon woke up and joined me to watch it so I cheered up a little, not being so alone. I forgot how funny that movie could be. Next it was The Happening. I had already seen it but Brandon hadn't. I decided at this point, I could go over and see my Aunt. So I got dressed and straightened my hair and everything and walked over and turns out that my grandpa and her went out for a little. It was cold today, too :( so walking back home was like ugh. Mom came home as we were watching Transformers and took us to Walgreens for some stuff, then Subway. Now I'm home and it's cold. The house feels empty and weird even though Mom, Dad, and Brandon are all in the kitchen. I think I'm going to fix my computer tomorrow. I miss you a lot.

Night: I hurt my arm really bad and got a throbbing headache. My pillow is now soaked from melting ice. I'm going to sleep out in the living room. It's cooler out there and my room feels empty and weird. I helped Mom finish decorating the Christmas tree. I think tomorrow my Aunt is coming over. I wish you were here. I love you.


flickr photo for Monday, December 22, 2008.

I see you smile in the stars

Oh, I'm quite the mess but I confess
This is ruining my day
I stop to think, over think
Analyze every single way
That you'd be here, here with me
And I'd be holding you so tight
And we'd sit, on the lawn
Watching stars as they fly by
Make a wish, kiss the sky
Your heartbeat, for mine
With our souls intertwined
I'd want to lather you in love
Smother you with light
But I look, simply watch
As my angel takes to flight

<3 :/ ?

Spinach Pizza

And with a kiss she breathes goodbye to the angel under her arm, "This heartbeat cease to keep me calm. With an embrace hold me still while prying away the joy contained beneath my skin." Her angel gives to the light and follows warmth, wishing faith to the virgin mother behind with the prayer of love and guidance.



I'm writing more and I realized how much I missed it. It's definitely where my heart belongs <3

Is this a test?

:(

Hello, Dear

Friday's concert at HOB was pretty dang good :) We the Kings and The Academy Is... were all right, seeing as I don't like them too much. Fall Out Boy, however, was amazing. For my first concert ever, I was really satisfied :D Except until Colin and Julian decided to join a mosh pit xD

Afterward, we went to the Virgin store and Nitty bought a Fight Club poster :p I wanted to get something Hello Kitty but I was too tired xD I definitely fell asleep on the ride home, leaning on Colin. Pretty sure Hooly fell asleep leaning on me too, haha.

Saturday was a lame day, I slept most of it and ended up making my mom mad :/ but church made up for it. I really admire the pastor there. He has a brain tumor and as he's up there talking to us, he tells us he has double vision and how "currently there are about 3,000 of you out there." yet he still smiles and put all of his heart into his work. God definitely has him.

I'm really moody right now, more so than usual. Isn't PMS great? Ugh. My back hurts from putting up the Christmas tree and for some reason I feel like I ate way too much food today. Weird. I want to hurry on to Curves.

I'm both excited and sad about this being the last week of school before Christmas Break. I'm excited because, duh, no school and Christmas. I'm sad though because Colin will be gone the entire break, in North Dakota, and I don't know what I'm going to do. I hate, HATE being without him D: I can barely stand it when he goes home at night. Going from Sunday to Wednesday seems torturous enough.

I've been thinking about my future a lot lately and praying about it a lot. So here's to You, God. I need Your guidance. I want to understand these feelings and desires. Why have they not gone away and why is this something I want so bad? Why would I be willing to give up everything I had for it? It doesn't make any sense but it's consuming me and distracting me and causing problems for me. I'd really love Your help, please.

I hate homework. I hate school. I hate warm weather in winter. I hate food. I hate my messy room. I hate my remote. I hate my computer. I hate my procrastination. I hate the smell of my brother's room. I hate infections. I hate fat. I hate my hair. I hate PMS. I hate headaches. I hate frustration. I hate not understanding. I hate hating.

Forgive me

I think I let myself down a little today. I'm sorry. To myself. It would be so, so easy to take this road again, spiral down, down, down into the darkness. There's no light, no worries, and no one to bother you because you lost your care on the second stumble.

I can't go back there. I've surrounded myself with loving people, God, and good things. I can't leave it all behind just so I can be selfish and turn around again.

I have to keep going, one step after another. I need to keep my focus and make short-term goals so they don't seem so unreachable.

I know I'm smart. I am so, so smart. I just can't seem to put that intelligence into education. School still has no affect on me. I will argue with you until the end of the world about school. I could be getting A's, I could have a perfect GPA, I could be in all honors and on my way to as much AP as possible. I could be a star student, one all the teachers like to go gaga over. I could be number one in all of my classes. I could be. Instead, I don't do the homework, I half-ass tests, I never study, I don't pay any attention whatsoever, and I shrug it all off.

I hate that people then mistake me for not being smart. I hate when people try to explain things to me because they think I don't know them. I didn't know what the US Patriot Act was until Kubik told me personally. I just don't recall learning it, I was probably asleep. This doesn't make me stupid though. I have the ability, I just don't use it. I don't put forth the effort to be book smart. I concentrate more on people, psychology, relationships, life. I can't focus on education. I'm like anti-education and work. Why? I couldn't answer this question for a million dollars.

It's something that really bothers me though because I look at my closest friends and they're complaining because they have a low A. I look down at my report card and I'm barely passing the class. This kills me because I KNOW I could have a high A. I could be the one that the teacher says, "Excellent job!" to. Nope. Instead I sit there and sigh over my 33F progress report.

But I'm not stupid. I'm an old soul, I have high intelligence, and I'm so much more mature than the majority of people surrounding me. Hopefully, I'll be able to use the smart ability for something great in the future because for now I'm hurting.

God Bless <3

I have been awakened

Church this morning really opened my eyes to something. I am so incredibly stuck in the past, I am blinded to the possibilities of today. I care about yesterday but I cannot let it change my tomorrow. I need to make decisions today based on today and not on my past. I need to look forward to my future and my eternity with my Father :)

Saying this, I'm going to try with all my soul to accept my past. I've been through things that most people will never go through but I can't use that as a crutch or an excuse. I need to use it as strength, for it was all a part of God's plan for me and my soul's plan for myself. I want to start fresh in my confidence and thoughts with God helping me. I can't change the past, I have the ability to shape who I am NOW.

I looked back on my past today and I realized that it was heartbreaking. If I had been my parents or close friends, I would have truly been heartbroken watching what I was going through. I thought back today on how I used to feel about situations and how I used to act. I imagined myself through the eyes of an onlooker and felt overwhelmed with sadness. I'm not trying to make this sound like pity or sympathy if that's how it seems. I just simply am coming to realization that I was truly in a bad place and I had no room for God. Now that I have accepted Him into my life to help and guide me, I can see that although I am not completely happy yet, I am so much better off than I was back then.

I look at people differently. I no longer judge them as I pass by them or listen to them as they speak. I think of them all as my brothers or sisters and look for the positives. I really listen to what people have to say now and I really try to be the best friend that I can be. I help people without receiving help first, even without receiving help in return. I give advice, I offer myself to always be there, and I mean it. I'm here, for anyone who needs anything. Being down the road that I have, I understand feeling scared and most of all, alone. I don't want another person feeling that way if I can help it. God put me through whatever it was for a reason and I'm going to accept it.

Without even realizing it, I've been helping more around my house, getting along with both of my parents better, and doing things without being asked twice. I'm loving the person that I am becoming with God. There are days I don't want to get up and go to school; I want to stay in bed forever and talk to Him. I looked back on times that I prayed for things and when I thought hard enough, I realized that they were all answered in one way or another. Significant things in my life, came from my Father when they were asked for.

I'm going to go ahead and provide an example. Larry Trotta. When I was in sixth grade, I prayed hard for a year to God. I asked Him to bring somebody into my life to always be there for me. I asked God for a best friend that was preferably a boy (mainly because I wanted someone in the opposite sex to be able to confide in). I must have said this prayer every week for months on end. When Larry first entered my life, I had no idea this was my answer from God. Now, I firmly believe it is. He came into my life at the time that my Grandmother discovered she had cancer and he was there for me through all of the pain, the treatment, and her passing away. For three years now, he has truly been the best friend that I could ask for, which is exactly what I wished God would give me.

You could say it was just a coincidence, but I believe there are very few of those. Larry and I have a connection, a bond that we don't share with anybody else. I leaned heavily on him for so long that it's hard now with him being so busy with college and I miss him dearly.

Before I go off on this further, I hope this is a sufficient example :) God answers us and only asks for our belief and love in return. I believe that if I continue in the path that I am headed, I will be happier than ever before. Thank you, God, for absolutely everything.

God Bless and I love you all †

You shouldn't play with fire, Allyson

Well, I'm finally losing weight. That really makes me happy. It's not like I was heavy or anything, but the stress of summer and the beginning of school made me eat. I hate that habit: eating when stressed or bored. Curves three times a week is really helping and I'm getting a bit more self confidence. I want to have a toned stomach and lose a bit of flab in my thighs/arms. Soon :)

I really miss church, I need to go back. Not just want to, but need to. I'm constantly talking to God, all throughout my day. It keeps me calm and collected.

Hopefully this weekend I'll have the time to get caught up on some school work. I still really don't care about school, but I suppose it's a must...

I really want to hang out with friends more. I always have Colin :) But I want to have fun with friends,like the time Shar, Nitty, Colin and I stayed at Hooly's :D Or the paint war, or just a bunch of us going to the movies or something. 8th and 9th grade was full of that, it seems we don't do anything anymore. Maybe that will change when we can all drive? I don't know, let's just make plans!

I kind of want to change up my image. I need new clothes, I want my hair dyed more, and I need to get new makeup. I wish I could decorate my room differently, but I don't know when we're moving so...

God Bless <3

If I'd only thought of something charming to say

Today, I'm taking a different approach. Instead of writing a ton of things, I'm going to use pictures/graphics to describe how I feel. We'll see how it goes :)





















Meh, went all right xD I love you guiz <3 God Bless

I'm fighting a headache

which is most likely from lack of sleep. I didn't go to school today. Why? Because I didn't fall asleep until 5:30am. Why? Because I was talking to you all night; literally all night. I took Melatonin, I went out on the couch, I played soothing music, I watched TV, I read, you followed me everywhere and I could not for the life of me fall asleep until early hours. My mother didn't even try to wake me up. The time went by so fast, I didn't even realize how late it was until I said goodnight to you. Then a wave of exhaustion hit me and I glanced at the clock to see 5:24am.

Mom came home at one point to try to wake me up and as she was talking to me, I could barely keep my eyes open. About 30 minutes after she left, I was starting to feel nauseous, like I usually do if I don't eat breakfast. So, I was heading into the kitchen when the nausea really kicked up. You know when that happens, your tongue feels heavy, you swallow hard, and your mouth just pools with saliva. Yeah, that feeling. I had to stand over the sink in fear that any movement towards the bathroom would result in a mess. I was finally able to slowly edge towards my bathroom and then I felt my throat tightening up and my gag reflex going into full throttle. Almost threw up everywhere! But did not. I was able to hold it in, thank God, I hate throwing up.

I guess this just means I need to really get all the sleep I can tonight. I would have gone to bed earlier but I'm texting Colin and all :) So tonight, I'll talk to you again, but only briefly. I'm sure you understand.

I'm still dreading school tomorrow. I got panicked about it last night and almost made a really bad decision. But I didn't. God's helping me, I can feel it. I think I came to find some acceptance within myself today, too. I'm proud of that.

I love you guiz <3